Jiang Yanli barely kept herself together long enough to see Jiang Wanyin and her parents off. They stayed only a few hours after Sect Leader Jiang agreed to the proposal. Originally it would have been expected for them to stay awhile before departing, but neither of her parents seemed to want to stay in Cloud Recesses. Yu Ziyuan had wanted to bring Jiang Yanli back home as well. In the past Jiang Yanli might have agreed. Rather, she probably would have agreed. She had foolishly thought Wei Wuxian didn't need her as much as Jiang Wanyin did. A very foolish thought when she gave it proper thought.
Jiang Wanyin was going to have a hard time back at Lotus Pier. Jiang Yanli knew with absolute certainty that their mother would berate him. Yu Ziyuan did that a lot. She'd scold him endlessly about not being strong enough, not training hard enough, not being good enough. Jiang Yanli used to receive such scoldings too, although Jiang Wanyin's came with the addition of always being compared to Wei Wuxian.
Jiang Yanli was the oldest, but she was beyond weak in cultivation. She could not even wield a normal sword with any meaningful effect, let alone a spiritual sword. Yu Ziyuan's scoldings of Jiang Yanli used to be frequent. Fiery and loud, occurring multiple times a day. Jiang Yanli wasn't certain how long it lasted. Years she supposed. Then one day her mother had stopped yelling. She had looked at Jiang Yanli with deep disappointment, and then it was like she didn't even have the energy to yell at Jiang Yanli anymore. Her mother began yelling at Jiang Wanyin instead.
Jiang Yanli's heart ached whenever Yu Ziyuan berated Jiang Wanyin for not being good enough. Part of her always blamed herself. After all it used to be her who received the lectures and scoldings for not being strong enough. Jiang Yanli remembered how it felt to be on the receiving end of those rants. She knew it hurt her, but she expected it probably hurt Jiang Wanyin even more. He wanted Yu Ziyuan to be proud of him. Jiang Yanli had given up such desires a long time ago.
Torn as Jiang Yanli was about what to do now, deep down Jiang Yanli knew what her decision was going to be. She thought she had done a good job of taking care of both Wei Wuxian and Jiang Wanyin, but the reality was something else. Wei Wuxian was the one who figured out how to make Jiang Wanyin feel better after one of their mother's scoldings. Jiang Yanli's attempts had never been received well. Not only that, but Jiang Yanli was wondering how many times had she thought she was being fair, but was actually neglecting Wei Wuxian. She wasn't sure if there was a way for her to know, but all she could was try to do better now. She knew she didn't help him as much as Lan Wangji, or even Wen Qing, but Wen Qing said what she was doing was helpful. If she could at least help him a little, it would be worth whatever she had to do.
Ultimately Jiang Yanli convinced her mother to let her stay by assuring her that she would use this time to try and ingratiate herself with Jin Zixuan. Jiang Yanli knew her mother would like that. The entire reason her mother sent her to Cloud Recesses was because Jin Zixuan would be here. It wasn't like her mother expected Jiang Yanli to learn anything from the lectures. Her mother had more or less accepted that she was useless. Yu Ziyuan expected very little from her now. Jiang Yanli supposed after all those years of scoldings that yielded no improvement her mother had just written her off as a failure and resigned herself to only insist Jiang Yanli prepare herself to be a good wife to Jin Zixuan.
Jiang Yanli felt herself wilt at the reminder. She said she would try and ingratiate herself to Jin Zixuan, but she had no intention of doing so. Jiang Yanli had been engaged to him for most of her life. Before she had even understood what it was to have feelings for someone she had already known Jin Zixuan would one day be her husband. As she got older she began to understand what that meant. When her friends would talk about what they hoped their partner would be like, Jiang Yanli would imagine what her life with Jin Zixuan might be like. She didn't know him very well. They had met a few times at various events, but rarely interacted. He was handsome and charismatic. He always seemed to be surrounded by people.
In her many imaginings when she was young Jiang Yanli liked to imagine he was someone kind. Someone kind who wouldn't be disappointed in her. Someone who could make her laugh and would want to look out for her. Jiang Yanli could feel tears gathering in her eyes. It seems that was wishful thinking on her part. Jin Zixuan had made it quite clear what he thought of her. She wasn't pretty. She wasn't strong.
'Of course he isn't satisfied with me. The heir of the LanlingJin Sect could have any girl in the cultivation world. So why would he settle?' Jiang Yanli tried to keep her tears back.
"Yanli?" Jiang Yanli's head snapped up at the sound of her name. Luo Qingyang sheathed her sword and took a few running steps over to Jiang Yanli.
"Mianmian," Jiang Yanli said with a small smile as she tried to hastily clear away any tears that might have escaped. Luo Qingyang scowled at the sight.
"Yanli, who was bullying you?" Luo Qingyang demanded, stomping her foot as she said it. Jiang Yanli hastily shook her head.
"No. Mianmian, it's nothing." Jiang Yanli insisted hastily. Luo Qingyang looked at her suspiciously, still frowning. Then Luo Qingyang's eyes widened briefly, like something had just occurred to her.
"Yanli, your parents were visiting weren't they? Did something happen?" Luo Qingyang asked, voice full of concern.
At the mention of her parents Jiang Yanli was pulled back into everything that had happened during the visit. Her mother had been screaming at Wei Wuxian, and had left him in such a broken state. Jiang Yanli felt her heart breaking quietly. Her lip trembled and the tears began spilling from her eyes against her will.
"Yanli?!" Luo Qingyang yelped in surprise and concern.
The next thing Jiang Yanli knew she was sobbing into the younger girl's shoulder. Once the tears started Jiang Yanli couldn't stop them anymore. She gasped for air between her sobs.
"I-I'm sorry..." Jiang Yanli gasped out. She needed to get a hold of herself.
"Tsk... Yanli, what are you apologizing to me for?" Luo Qingyang scolded gently. "If you're sad, you cry as much as you want." Luo Qingyang's tone was still feisty as always, but the concern in her voice was strong. Even if Luo Qingyang wasn't speaking in soft tones, it was still strangely soothing.
"You cry as much as you need. When you're done, you tell me who made you cry." Luo Qingyang continued, her voice a little quieter than before. "I'll give them a piece of my mind."
'You can't.' Jiang Yanli began to cry harder. She shook her head repeatedly. Luo Qingyang pushed Jiang Yanli away enough to see her face.
"Why the head shaking?" Luo Qingyang asked, a light scowl on her face. Jiang Yanli attempted to calm herself enough to speak.
"It's nothing... nothing to worry about. You don't need to talk to anyone." Jiang Yanli managed to get out between a few gasps. Luo Qingyang's scowl deepened.
"Yanli," Luo Qingyang was scowling again, her eyes full of concern. "You're too nice. You tell me who was mean to you." Luo Qingyang demanded. "You're too nice to put them in their place for making you cry like this. I'm not. You tell me who made you cry like this. I'll put them in their place for you." Luo Qingyang insisted firmly. Jiang Yanli shook her head.
"It isn't like that Mianmian. It's not the sort of thing where scolding someone will make it better." Jiang Yanli insisted, still crying fiercely, not able to hold herself back. Luo Qingyang pulled her back into a hug and began gently rubbing her back.
"Are you sure?" Luo Qingyang asked softly, sounding disappointed. "I'm really good at scolding jerks. I get lots of practice at home." Jiang Yanli nodded, sniffling quietly.
"I'm s-sure." Jiang Yanli said, gasping softly through her tears. Luo Qingyang let out a deep disappointed sigh.
"Alright, alright, I won't scold anyone." Luo Qingyang whined softly. "You tell me if you change your mind." Luo Qingyang insisted gently. Jiang Yanli nodded silently.
When Jiang Yanli finally calmed down she felt horribly embarrassed. She had sobbed in Luo Qingyang's arms like a toddler. She wasn't sure she had ever done anything more embarrassing in her life. Luo Qingyang was a sweet girl, but they'd only gotten to know each other during the lectures. Even if Luo Qingyang was quick to call them friends and insist on addressing each other as such, it wasn't appropriate for Jiang Yanli to break down like this.
"I'm sorry Mianmian." Jiang Yanli apologized as she wiped the tears from her face. The younger girl frowned lightly.
"Yanli. You're apologizing again." Luo Qingyang scolded gently. Jiang Yanli sighed. They sat there in a somewhat awkward silence. Luo Qingyang fidgeted slightly. Jiang Yanli noticed her restlessness and she almost smiled. Luo Qingyang was not as energetic and restless as Wei Wuxian, but she was definitely not someone who liked to sit quietly and do nothing.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Luo Qingyang asked hesitantly. "I promise I probably won't immediately go yell at whoever upset you." She offered, her hands fidgeting anxiously. It made Jiang Yanli smile faintly.
"Thank you Mianmian. I am not sure if I want to talk about it. It's very personal, and if I think about it too much I might start crying again. I don't really want to do that at the moment." Jiang Yanli replied with a few pauses as she tried to gather her thoughts. Luo Qingyang hummed in acknowledgement, looking thoughtful. She glanced at Jiang Yanli a few times, like she was checking to see if she was actually okay.
"What are you doing for the rest of the day?" Luo Qingyang asked. Jiang Yanli thought about that.
"I'm not sure." Jiang Yanli said at last. Luo Qingyang chewed on her lip in thought.
"How about we go to Caiyi town for a bit?" Luo Qingyang offered. Jiang Yanli hesitated.
"I don't know that I would make for good company today Mianmian," Jiang Yanli said apologetically. Luo Qingyang brushed the statement aside with a wave of her hand.
"Nonsense, let me worry about that." With a lot more prodding Luo Qingyang eventually managed to convince her. Jiang Yanli really couldn't take her mind off of Wei Wuxian and the rest of her family. She frequently found herself zoning out, becoming lost in her own melancholic thoughts. Of course the reason she noticed was because every time it happened Luo Qingyang would grab her attention and excitedly drag her over to look at something. It didn't take long for Jiang Yanli to figure out that this was exactly why Luo Qingyang had invited her to come with her to Caiyi town.
With Luo Qingyang dutifully distracting her, Jiang Yanli managed to relax a bit. For a few hours she forgot about everything. For the first time in well over a week, she actually had fun. They didn't get to spend very long in Caiyi town, but it was a much needed break.
'Mianmian is the only one who hasn't tried to make me explain why I am missing class and where Wei Wuxian is.' Jiang Yanli was feeling tremendously grateful for Luo Qingyang's straightforward and earnest nature. Luo Qingyang had basically decided on day one of lessons that they were going to be friends. She took the initiative to introduce herself. Would deliberately involve Jiang Yanli in discussions, and more than once invited Jiang Yanli along when Luo Qingyang was going to be going into Caiyi town with her other friends. Jiang Yanli was used to being quiet and staying out of the way. She wasn't one to boldly introduce herself or force her presence upon others. The credit for their friendship and familiarity lied solely with Luo Qingyang.
Jiang Yanli wasn't certain where the girl's confidence came from. Right away she introduced herself to Jiang Yanli and declared them friends. Within a week she had gotten Jiang Yanli to start calling her by her nickname. Luo Qingyang was a disciple from a minor sect. She carried herself with pride and worked hard on her cultivation. She was not one to hold her tongue about anything. If someone was rude, mean, or disrespectful, Luo Qingyang was the first person ready to call them out on it.
"Of course Jin-gongzi wouldn't be happy with her. She has practically no cultivation. She's the daughter of a sect leader, but she doesn't even carry herself like a woman of station. Always meek and quiet, going back into the kitchens like a servant. How could it be an appropriate match?" Jiang Yanli heard a woman's voice gossiping happily. She glanced over to see two young women in LanlingJin sect uniforms.
"Do they have nothing better to do?" Luo Qingyang muttered angrily and began stomping towards them. Jiang Yanli grabbed her arm to hold her back.
"It's fine Mianmian. It's not like it isn't true." Jiang Yanli said quietly. Luo Qingyang scowled as she looked closely at Jiang Yanli.
"Yanli, who you want to be and what you want to do are your decisions. However, you shouldn't let people talk about you in such derogatory ways. Be proud of who you are. Let them see that you are proud, and don't accept being talked down to." Luo Qingyang said firmly. Jiang Yanli tried to imagine doing that, but the thought made her shudder.
"Mianmian... I don't want to be the kind of person who gets angry all the time. I don't want to be the kind of person who yells and screams at other people for not respecting me... I... I can't be that." Jiang Yanli said quietly, but her voice trembled slightly. Luo Qingyang was staring at Jiang Yanli, her expression quizzical.
"Yanli... Standing up for yourself and being a bully are not the same things. You can do one without doing the other." Luo Qingyang said slowly. Jiang Yanli bit her lip and shook her head. "Do you think if you stand up for yourself, you are going to become a cruel and angry person?" Luo Qingyang asked. She was confused, but she felt like she was uncovering something important about Jiang Yanli. Luo Qingyang had gone out of her way early on to befriend Jiang Yanli. Mostly because Jiang Yanli was quite possibly the sweetest person she had ever met, but also because the girl seemed unbearably timid. Luo Qingyang knew right away she wanted to be her friend, and if Jiang Yanli was too shy to invite herself to things then Luo Qingyang would drag her along.
"I..." Jiang Yanli began, but paused, wondering what to say and how to say it. "A-Niang is a very strong woman. She doesn't let anyone talk down to her, or look down to her. She is a powerful cultivator, but I don't want to be like her. The things she says to me, to A-Cheng, to A-Xian... they're horrible. I don't... I don't ever want to become someone like her. I don't want to hurt and scare people the way she does." Jiang Yanli's voice was barely a whisper. Tears began to gather in her eyes. Luo Qingyang took Jiang Yanli's hand. She led Jiang Yanli out of the market area only stopping when she found a quiet place where they could sit.
"Yanli... are you afraid if you stand up for yourself, that you will immediately become just like your niang?" Luo Qingyang asked gently. Jiang Yanli stared down at her lap and gave a small nod.
"A-Xian wants me to learn how to use talismans to protect myself, but... I've always avoided everything to do with cultivation. A-Niang used to scold me and push me. She wanted me to be an accomplished cultivator like her. I.. I don't want to be anything like her, so I did the opposite until she gave up." Jiang Yanli said quietly. Luo Qingyang sighed deeply and pulled Jiang Yanli into a hug.
"Yanli... do you want to know why I kept bugging you to be my friend?" Luo Qingyang asked. Jiang Yanli was slightly surprised by the shift in conversation. She nodded her head slowly, although her emotions were still filled with the sadness and terror that came from thinking about her mother.
"You are quite possibly the sweetest and gentlest person I have ever met. You care a lot about those around you, but you also hold yourself back a lot. Of course I wanted to be friends with you, but you never approached anyone to try and make friends." Luo Qingyang said with a small smile. "Even if you learned to be more confident and stand up for yourself, you'd still never be as outspoken as me. It isn't in your nature to be someone like your niang. If you decided to become a powerful cultivator... you would still be you. You would still be sweet and kind, even if you also wanted to be powerful and confident." Luo Qingyang said sincerely.
Jiang Yanli felt tears begin to escape her eyes once more. Wei Wuxian had desperately wanted her to be able to defend herself. He had seemed both adamant and terrified. They hadn't said anything about it since, but Jiang Yanli doubted it was because Wei Wuxian didn't still think about it. Could she learn enough to be able to protect herself like he wanted? Could she be a bit like Luo Qingyang? Strong enough to protect herself, or fight if she had to, without being cruel and forceful like her mother?