I haven't said goodbye to the ruins yet.
— Mahmoud Darwish
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Him
He grazes his knuckles down the length of her face tenderly as her peacefully sleeping form lies before him. The night in the desert is cold and she's curled up in their tent. He adjusts the blanket over her, taking his time gazing at her, intensely so that the flames ablaze within him consume him entirely.
"What have you done to me?" He sighs and gets up, finally managing to drag himself away from her.
Outside, he finds Daud still sitting by the fire and makes his way towards him. When he sees him approaching, he rushes to get to his feet but he gestures for him to keep sitting and joins him on the log.
"Soon we'll enter the borders of Isfahan, sayidi," Daud says to him. "What is the plan?"
"We leave the lady there and then set out for Qahira. I'll take over it," he informs briefly.
"And about Yusuf bin Khalid?"
"He'll take over Dimashq. Sulaiman has agreed to our conditions. If my Lord favors me, all will go as I've planned. It'll be only a matter of time before I reclaim the throne." He grins and leans forward, resting his elbows on his thighs. "Meanwhile appoint some of our most trusted men on duty to guard Noura and keep me updated regarding her. Until I return for her, I want her safe and away from any trouble and harm."
"As you please, sayidi." Daud tips his head, then smiles at him. He arches an inquisitive eyebrow at him and he shakes his head. "If a year before someone had told me you'd be so in love one day, I probably wouldn't have believed them. You've changed a lot, sayidi."
"There are many shades of love, Daud." He smiles and looks up at the half filled moon in the sky. "Noura is my favorite."
Her
"I don't know which one of us deceived the other, Noura. I don't know if we burn in love or betrayal. I wanted to light stars at your feet, but instead burnt a fire. And you wanted to send me to hell, so I've met your desire. Now I'm ashen, and you're ashen, yet what more is better than a heart for another?"
"Nothing is better than a heart for another, sayidi."
"Nothing is better than us for each other, sayidati."
She clasps tightly the reins of her horse and leads it forward. It trots after her. He walks besides her with his own horse. The world around them feels both like a dream and a nightmare. Noura looks up at the sky. In the distance, the sinking sun shines feeble and light. Doubt gnaws at her mind. She cannot believe they're here again-- the place where it all began.
"I've never understood you. I still don't. You've never allowed me. Yet you knew too much of me." They stop under the shade of a tree at the corner of a deserted street. She turns to him and he avoids to meet her eyes. "I don't know if my ignorance was a bliss or betrayal. I don't know what right we've over each other, my Khalifa."
He starts to pet his horse, running his hand down its mane, then patting its back. She watches the storm rage on his face despite him trying to call calm in his demeanor. She knows he does burn as he claims.
"Your ignorance was bliss, for you and me both. I was either in oblivion or denial. What I knew, I turned myself blind to. No reason could wipe you out of my memory and take you out of my heart. It would've killed me if I were to hold onto those reasons."
"Why?"
She doesn't know why she's asking him the question. It's absurd to logic. But she cannot see things from his perspective, for it is way too complicated for her to fully grasp.
"Wallahi if I knew, I'd have found a solution to it." He tilts his head towards her, their gazes colliding in a catastrophe. "I can find a solution to anything in this world, but not this love. You sear my heart. You balm it too. You don't let me live, you don't let me die. You ask me to float in the abyss, not coming up, not drowning down. What sane man would want to be in such anguish?"
"I cause you such pain?"
He only stares at her, not answering. She feels a bitter sting to her heart.
"Why keep me by your side if I hurt you so much, sayidi?"
He grins, too darkly for her taste, and licks the corner of his mouth, a habit she notices lately he does so often. He once more looks away from her to the horse.
"Baghdad doesn't want me. It never did. Why do you think I kept my identity hidden?" He clicks his tongue. "The war my father brought upon this land, the people of this land wouldn't forgive him for it. I'm his blood. They wouldn't want me to rule them either. But I did. God, I did fair enough." He chuckles, equally dark as his grin moments ago, almost alarming her. "You think I could rule a kingdom anonymously but not know what goes on in it? Especially with the woman I went out of my mind for and broke every rule to get her?"
She gently tugs her horse forward and then goes to tie it with the tree. She pets it lovingly, realizing there's little time left before she let go of it.
"Ana ohibbuk, Noura (I love you, Noura)," he whispers, and his presence close behind her, his words and confession, make her hold her breath. "Ohibbuki kathiran (I love you so much)."
She closes her eyes, a silent sigh escaping her lips. She wants to tell him she loves him too-- that she too is insane in his love. But there are things between them not yet mended, and she knows he won't back down on the choice he has already made.
"Sulaiman bin Khalid would roam in the bazar of Baghdad but I wouldn't know? The prince would waltz into my palace but I wouldn't know? How could you assume such a thing, habibti?"
"Then why didn't you do anything about it?"
"Because me knowing about it made no difference. Yusuf abdicated the throne, and Sulaiman was the last rightful heir to it. I was forbidden from causing him any harm, so I allowed him freedom. And he thought he was fooling me when in reality he was only leading me to every traitor he created against me." He exhales in exasperation, somewhat in dismay. "Dear Lord, forgive me for all the heads that came under my axe because of him. I could be slaughtering them all my life and the blood wouldn't stop spilling."
"And why did you stay silent about me?"
"Because you did not love him." He places his hands on her waist from behind and presses his cheek against her temple. "Because you love me."
"So you chose to let it be?" she huffs in disbelief.
"I didn't choose to. Understand that I'm no God. There were still things I didn't know about, and there were times things wouldn't go as I would plan. You think I would allow him around you?" He scoffs. "When your visits to the bazar became frequent, I started sending guards after you."
"You mean spies?" she hisses and turns to him. He ignores her remark and continues.
"For your safety," he adds. "But by then it was already late. And some of my men would be killed before they could report back to me."
"That's why you restricted my going out of the palace?"
"I wanted to accompany you myself. But Sulaiman was no less devious and started showing up at the palace instead. That's what made things dirty because every time he sneaked in, he would kill some of my men and created more traitors within the palace for me. But by God, if I knew of any of the encounters beforehand, I would've moved the world to stop them from happening. And if I had the slightest of doubt of your inclination towards him..."
He does finish his sentence, and she searches his orbs for the answer. He blinks away and Noura feels her throat constrict.
"You would've killed me?"
"I would've killed him," he corrects. "I wouldn't have cared about the peril it would've brought to my own life. But my quiet about the matter was meant only to not create a rift between us. I decided to handle it myself instead of confronting you, for it wouldn't have changed much. Instead, it would've exposed my knowledge of him and caused me more difficulty than any ease."
She shakes her head, still finding all the revelations difficult to swallow. "You're a devil, Adam."
"A devil you're in love with." He smiles knowingly. "If you hurt me, you heal me too. Every time I look at you, I forget about every reason how you went against me. Whether meeting Sulaiman in your ignorance, your concern for Eskander, or awareness of Fereydun's betrayal. Marrying me, agreeing to keep the sacredness of our bond, yet still keeping the truth from me. If my Lord hadn't softened my heart towards you, maybe I would've considered all this. But I couldn't even if I wanted to."
"You think you had the right after what you did to me?" She smirks ironically. "You, too, cheated me."
This gets a laughs from him and he holds her arms. Then he leans down to whisper into her ear, "You're the devil I'm in love with, Noura. You made sure we're even."
"Don't compare my sins with yours," she snaps.
"As I said, I'm no God. If what you knew you had told me beforehand instead of me wasting time finding it for myself, it might have saved us some trouble." He nudges his nose against her cheek before kissing it. "You would continue to be a queen, farasha."
He pulls away and before she could ask him what he means, he takes her wrist in his hand and gently tugs her after him.
"We're in Isfahan. We're at your home. This dusk looks the same. The sun seems to die like I am. But I'll return to you what I've taken from you. And I know nothing can be as before, I cannot change that, but if I live, I'll do everything in my power to fix it as much as I can." He looks at her, the black of his orbs intense like the hollow of a night. She can perish there and ceases to exist. She can live in his eyes forever. "But if I die," he continues, "you'll be free of me."
She glowers at him, his last statement feeling like a dagger to her heart. Noura tries to free her arm but he doesn't let go and ties his horse with his other hand before leading her down the street.
"Why would you say that?" she asks tersely.
"Because I'm a man-- a mortal. Death is a reality I cannot escape."
"Adam..."
She doesn't know what to say besides his name. She doesn't know what goes inside his head. He's still a riddle she cannot decipher.
"I never paid attention to anyone saying my name before you," he tells her with a fleeting smile. "It never had a ring to it as it has when coming from your mouth. You make it sound so sweet, azizi."
She wants to tell him to stop talking, for his words will become shackles at her feet and bound her to him. She wants to tell him he has enslaved her in a way that she can never be freed now. She wants time to still so she doesn't have to lose him.
But every step he takes towards her house takes him away from her. And though she has longed for this day, to return home and be reunited with her mother, she still feels like something is to go missing and home is to become a place full of voids that only he can fill.
"Is a war going to happen, sayidi?" she inquires with worry.
"No."
"Then why do you speak so?"
"I'm only listing a possibility."
"Don't list such possibilities unless there actually is something you're not telling me about."
"It's the fight for the throne which always comes with the possibility of someone dying at my hands or me dying at theirs," he says casually. "Eskander will be the first one with his sword out at me after learning about our marriage. And I always had my sword ready for him too."
They stop once again. Her house is visible in the distance. Her heart starts to race and her visions blurs as her tears push through. Noura tries to hold herself together and not fall apart. She cannot believe her eyes. She really has returned to her home. To her mother.
She wants to run to her house, leap into her mother's arms, and pour her soul out to her. She wants to lie in her lap and stay there always. But at the same time she doesn't want to let go of Adam's hand. The thought chokes her as she looks at him.
"If Eskander dies at your hands, then you die for me, Adam," she tells him quietly and he only stares at her with empty eyes. "And if you die at his hands, then he dies for me."
"I'd rather die at his hands than die for you," he replies firmly, honestly. She knows there's no lie in his promise.
"Don't," she utters in a soft plea, lowering her gaze and leaning towards him until her forehead comes to rest on his chest. "Don't die on me, janem."
He simply puts his arms around her. Noura clutches his shirt in a tight grip, as if never intending to let go, and he permits the moment to be.
There's no exchange of words between them. But she finds the silence comforting-- she finds his embrace comforting.
"Why did you suddenly decide to bring me back?" she questions curiously.
"Isn't this what you wanted?"
"I did. But you didn't want this."
"Your desire has excelled my own for me."
She pulls away slightly and looks up at him. "What is it that you're hiding from me?"
"Patience is a virtue, malikati." He caresses her cheek before his thumb comes to lie upon her lips. "The sun has set for the day. Spend your night in peace. You'll find your answer."
"Why won't you tell me?" she insists, only becoming more impatient. He chuckles lightly at her.
"Because I don't want us to depart on sad terms." He releases her and steps away from her. "Go now. Your mother has waited for you for long. Don't make her wait any longer. It'll only make me feel more guilty."
"But where are you leaving to?" she asks further, becoming anxious. "When do I see you again?"
"Faraway. But this time, I'll see you soon, God willing."
"Adam." She sends him a warning glare. "Don't be so vague or I won't be able to stop worrying about you. Tell me--"
"Nour?" someone calls her and it knocks the breath out of her. Time freezes at her voice.
She turns around and when her eyes fall upon the familiar face, the look on it both shocked yet sizzling in joy, as if awaiting a confirmation that it is not a dream, Noura feels as if she has found heaven again.
"Maman?"
"Nour, is this really you, dukhtar (daughter)?"
Her mother stays rooted to her spot and watches her in disbelief. Noura cannot keep herself together anymore. She sniffs and runs to her, and her mother opens her arms for her instantly. She buries herself into her embrace.
"Maman..." Her body shakes with her sobs as she cries. "I've back, maman."
"You've returned home," her mother sobs back, hugging her tightly to herself. "My daughter has returned home. I'm not dreaming. Nour, the light of my eyes, my Lord has brought you back to me. I begged him everyday to return you back to me."
She falls to her knees and Noura kneels down with her. She struggles with her tears as she wipes her mother's cheeks, but she wouldn't stop crying.
"Maman, I'm here, with you."
"Are you alright? Are you well? Did they bother you? Hurt you? I was so worried for you, azizem. I send many letters to Eskander. I tried to do what I could but they wouldn't return you. I could only pray to God for you."
"I am fine. All is well." She kisses her mother who kisses her back. "Don't cry anymore now."
"I'm not." She sniffs and hugs her back to herself once more. "You're with me. I've found the world. I won't cry anymore now."
Noura rubs her back and when she calms down a bit, she pulls away from her to ask her.
"Where is Eskander, Nour? I thought the man with you was him."
As if cold water is poured over her, she's suddenly reminded of Adam and jerks in his direction. Her heart shatters to bits upon finding him gone. Tears once more well up in her eyes, but this time she doesn't let them fall.
"Eskander will return back home too, maman." She squeezes her mother's hand in assurance. "Everything will be alright."
"My eyes sought you and your brother every minute. If God kept save my daughter, he'll keep my son save too. I left my children in His security." She smiles at Noura. "Come, let's go home."
She finds what she had lost. She finds home again. Yet pieces of it remains missing. She feels as if she hasn't returned back fully. She keeps seeking more. She remains restless. She longs for him. But he's not with her. And she has no idea where he has drifted apart to.
Days add to one another. Things seem to turn back to normal. Yet everything feels mundane. She cannot fall into the routine of her old life. Life isn't the same anymore, neither is she.
One regular morning Laleh insists they go out to the bazar together. And though she has no heart to, still busy mourning the parts of her that have died or buried alive, she cannot refuse her. She's not only her cousin, her uncle's daughter, but also her best friend. And ever since she was taken to Baghdad, there seemingly has been a lot between them to talk about.
Like her lover. Like her husband. Things that are still secrets in the coffin she cannot open. Things that have become ghosts haunting her. Things only her mother so far has learnt from her and which she is still processing.
"Would you like to buy something, Nour?" Laleh asks her.
"No, thank you."
"Not even jewelry?"
Noura smiles and shakes her head.
"Well, you certainly have changed a lot," Laleh remarks lightheartedly as they stop by a jewelry stall. "The palace must have finest of jewelries. Do you not fancy the regular ones now?"
"You would think."
Laleh sighs and starts searching something of interest for herself. "So, when does Eskander come back?"
"I don't know."
"He didn't mention it?"
"No."
"Ah, well, I wish it's soon. It's been quite long since he last visited."
"Looks like someone misses him," Noura bugs and she laughs softly.
"Maybe. Anyways, what do you think of these bangles?"
Before they could proceed the conversation, a caller begins to beat the drum to gather people for an announcement. Her heart leaping to her throat, Noura leaves the shop and makes his way towards him.
"What is it about?" Laleh asks as she follows after her.
"We're about to find out," she replies, though an uneasy feel in her gut tells her she's not going to like what is to come.
She places her hand over her breastbone, making a silent prayer as her ribs begin to close up, each passing second only a torture until the announcement is made and the universe around her collapses down.
"Hear me out, people! Hear me well! Adam ibn Marwan Al Kurdiya is no more our Khalifa. Al Shafay has abdicated the throne. Sulaiman bin Khalid is the new Khalifa of this kingdom."
The world around her moves on but she remains in that instant. She's dusted in the air. She's a flicker in time. Everything perishes. Nothing remains for her. Nothing makes sense to her anymore, except one thing:
Her Khalifa has lost his title and throne. She's no more a Malika.
to be continued...
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Thank you for reading and supporting Khalifa, and for all the love you've left me in comments and messages. I appreciate you joining me on this journey and I hope you'll continue it with me in the sequel, Malika.
With love,
published
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