"I told the stars about you." -d.j,
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Kennedy's POV
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I've always found peace in the night. The calmness of the breeze, the silence of the city. It's always brought comfort to me. I'd catch myself staring at the stars for fun, lying in the grass.
I've had a fascination with planets, and stars. The different constellations in the sky. My favorite was always the Orion. It sits in the middle of the sky. You usually can't find it. That's why I love it so much. It's always in hiding. But when it shows itself, it's beautiful.
With my back against the grass, staring up at the night sky, I squinted, trying to find any constellations that wanted to make themselves known to me. I couldn't find much. The sky was empty tonight.
I pressed my hands against my stomach, holding back the nerves building up in my abdomen. The butterflies had turned into bees, buzzing angrily against their cage inside my stomach.
Today was a day I hope I never have to relive. I felt so dirty. The first thing Leonardo made me do was interrogate a child. A literal child. She was only ten. They found her stealing some shit and wanted me to get the truth out of her. A fucking ten year old.
I forced them out of the room then let her go. I wasn't hurting her. I will never put my hands on a child. They are innocent and don't know what's right from wrong. They don't deserve the trauma of this at such a young age. Trust me, I have first hand experience.
Eliza took the fall for me. She said I asked her to watch her while I got weapons and she escaped. I think without Eliza, I wouldn't be able to do this. She's the one who let me out here in the backyard. Leonardo's had me locked in my bedroom.
Having to put this persona on has been something I thought would come harder to me. I'm so easily able to slip in and out of it as if it is a part of me. Maybe that's because it is.
I stared at the stars above me, staggered a few feet away from each other. I smiled at them, knowing that there's a possibility Harry's looking at the same stars as me. Knowing that there's a chance we're still okay. That he will forgive me.
That's all I have to go on, chance. I knew coming into this that this was going to be hard. Harder than anything I've ever done. I'm doing the thing I told him I wouldn't, again. I keep breaking his trust like I'm taking candy from a baby.
But at the same time, it shouldn't be this easy
He's supposed to trust me. Know that I would never betray him. But in our life, he has to understand that that is nearly impossible. I grew up as the equivalent of a royal in this life. The life of deceit and duplicity is the only world I know.
Every time I look at my mother or Leonardo, I feel a gut wrenching pain. The pain of losing a loved one. The pain that comes with seeing the people who have ruined your lives. They have ruined my life.
My mother has happily opened her arms to me being here after our little chat earlier. Which, in all honesty, is how it needs to be. And Leonardo, he makes me want to off myself.
The way he looks at me, like I'm his fucking child. He has this paternal thing over me and it makes me shiver. I fantasize about hanging him by his feet and stabbing a new part of his body everyday so he could die slowly and painfully.
I can't wait to put a bullet through his fucking skull.
"Kennedy!" My name was whispered behind me, forcing me to sit up and look behind me. Eliza was hurrying over in her heels.
"It's getting late. Do you want to stay out here?" Eliza questioned while sitting down beside me on the grass.
"I don't want Leonardo getting suspicious." I sighed while looking over and grabbing my trench coat.
As soon as I got to Leonardo's house, the first thing he did was burn every ounce of my clothing. My leather jacket was the first to go. The one my dad had bought me. The one I had made all my Alea memories in. He wanted to eliminate all ties to Alea. I don't blame him, I would have done it too.
"Oh sweetie, he's asleep. He's old, he doesn't stay up past ten." Eliza chuckled while brushing a piece of hair behind my ear.
"Aren't you afraid he'll hurt you once he finds out you were helping me?" I kept my eyes glued to the sky.
"Don't worry about me honey. All you have to worry about is surviving. You have no Harry to protect you here." Eliza placed her hand on my shoulder and pushed my hair from over my shoulder.
"I'll come inside." I quickly pulled her arm off of me and stood up, putting my trench coat on my arms and pulling my hair out from under it.
Eliza nodded and walked us towards the back door. She allowed me in first and I made a b line to my room. I closed the door behind me and locked it so Eliza couldn't follow me in.
She was another one having a paternal hold on me. I don't mind it as much as Leonardo. I think she just wants her daughter back. She's treating me like the daughter she never really had. And sadly, I have to use that to my advantage.
I sat down on my bed and laid down, facing the ceiling. It was dark from the dark night sky supplying barely any natural light. I trilled my lips and closed my eyes. A smile appeared on my lips as the image of Harry flew across my view.
I seem to close my eyes a lot. It's the only time I get to see him. It's a snapshot of the one time I caught him smiling. His dimples indenting deep into his skin as his bunny teeth were on full display. He looked beautiful, and happy.
I don't even want to know what he looks like right now.
I hesitantly opened my eyes again to be greeted with the blank ceiling. I sat up and shimmed out of my trench coat. I stood up and placed the trench coat on the coat hanger beside the door.
I stepped out of my heels and turned towards the mirror hung up on the wall. I grabbed the zipper on the back of my dress and pulled it down my back, watching the dress fall down my arms and ball at my feet.
I stepped out of it and threw it in the laundry basket sitting in the darkest corner of the room. I removed the rest of my garments and put on a fresh pair of pantys and the shirt Harry had given me. I snuck it into a wash before Leonardo brought me to the little girl.
I walked across the room into the bathroom and flicked the lights on. I was brought face to face with a full face of makeup and hair done up Kennedy. A Kennedy that was the farthest thing from the real me.
I quickly washed off the makeup and put a brush through my hair, allowing my natural curls to breathe and take their usual shape. I stared back at myself, watching as my once bright blue eyes swirled a certain darkness only villains or killers had.
A darkness my father had
I ran my fingers through my hair, watching my movements as if I was watching myself vicariously. I didn't know what to do or how to act anymore. It all felt like a dream. A scary and dangerous dream that wouldn't allow me to wake up until I suffered as much as my body could take.
I leaned down and opened the cupboard under the sink. Scanning my hand around the top, my hand stumbled upon a phone. I grabbed it from its holding place and brought it in front of me. I smirked.
Good, no one found it.
I placed this phone here the minute I was alone. The bathroom is the only place that doesn't have cameras. I shot out the one in the bedroom but upon entering a few minutes ago, I knew it was back. I could feel eyes on me, making my skin crawl.
I opened the phone with a passcode and immediately tapped the call button. I pressed the only contact I had and set it down on the counter. I turned the water of the shower on and closed the bathroom door. I hopped on the counter and sat down on it while putting the phone to my ear. Almost instantly, Xavier answered.
"Are you okay?" Xavier asked quickly, which was my fault. I said I'd only use this phone for emergencies.
"I'm just bored." I sighed while moving my feet back and forth as they dangled off of the counter.
"You used the emergency phone because you were bored? Sounds like the mission is going great." Xavier said with sarcasm.
"Listen, it takes time to infiltrate. Give me a day and I can get you info." I said while beginning to examine my nails. I needed to cut my cuticles.
"If you say so." Xavier sighed.
"Have you spoken to the guys or Harry?" I questioned.
"Yea. They think you've been taken. I told them I knew nothing. Harry's a fucking wreck." Xavier began.
"He called me screaming late last night and then called me drunk off his ass this morning. I didn't know you had him wrapped this tightly around your finger Ken. Props to taming the great Harry Styles." Xavier clapped his hands into the speaker. I rolled my eyes.
"I wish you could tell him I'm sorry. But I'm sure I'll see him soon." I looked down at my lap and shook my head.
"What makes you say that?" Xavier questioned.
"I know Leonardo's gonna have me try and kill him. He knows I'm the only one capable. And given the right motivation from Harry, I probably could." I said hesitantly.
Although, Xavier and I both already knew this.
"But you won't, right?" Xavier asked.
"Of course not. I'm not a monster." I chuckled.
"Yeah. Of course not." Xavier said with slightly nervousness in his voice. I would have pointed it out if I could spend any more time on this call.
"Listen, I've got to go. I'll text you if I got any info." I said while hopping off of the counter.
"Good luck." Xavier said before hanging up.
Immediately I kneeled back down and placed the phone back where I found it and closed the door as if no one was ever in it. I shut the water off and unlocked the bathroom door. When I opened the door, the bedroom door was open.
I stepped back into the bathroom, reaching into the tissues on the top of the toilet and grabbing the knife I had planted.
I hesitantly walked towards the door, squeezing myself through the gap I had made between the door and the door frame. I turned my head around, seeing a random guy looking around the room. Without thinking, I threw the knife right at the guy, hitting him straight in the back of the head.
He collapsed right away onto the floor, face first. I cautiously moved around the room, turning the lights on and looking at the newly dead man. I didn't know who it was, but they were young.
"Huh." I sighed and turned out the door and walked down the hallway. The hallway was lit up by candles freshly lit on the walls.
I stopped at Leonardo's office and knocked on the door. I knew someone was in there because these walls are extremely thin and someone was fooling around in there. Instantly the door opened to reveal Leonardo fixing his suit and a giggle behind him.
I'm going to vomit
"I just killed someone in my room." I said numbly while stepping out of the way. Leonardo hurried down the hall to my bedroom.
He ran to the dead guy on the floor but quickly lost his nerves when realizing who it was. He turned towards me with a smirk then took the dead man's hands and dragged him out of the room, getting blood all along the carpet.
"That was a security guard coming to check on you. I'll make sure not to allow them anymore." Leonardo shrugged.
"Please." I nodded before slamming the door shut and locking it again. I shuttered before turning the bathroom lights off and stopping as soon as I reached the fresh blood.
A new copper smell hit my nostrils, forcing me to cringe and turn away from the murder scene before me. Before I could vomit, I ran over to the windows and opened one slightly, airing the room out of the blood smell.
Sitting down on my bed, I crawled to the top and sat against the pillows. I grabbed my pack of cigarettes on the bedside table and lighter, throwing it in my lap and grabbing a stick from the pack.
I placed the cigarette on my lips and lit the end, feeling the smoke enter my mouth but quickly leave it. As I blew it out, I turned to the side of the window so it would exit out that side, not that I really cared.
I leaned my back against the wall and closed my eyes again, allowing my thoughts to flood with pictures of Harry. I smiled again, imagining if I had met him in a different life.
A life where I was just a simple girl from Brooklyn and he was just a London boy. Maybe we'd be able to get married one day, have children and not have to worry about training our children to be killing machines.
Maybe we'd be able to be happy, maybe catch a break. He'd be happy with me and just me. We'd be safe from the dangers of the real world. Secluded with amazing jobs and normal, average lives. We'd be okay.
I imagine Harry wearing normal clothes like a normal person. His hands would be clean and his eyes would be the clearest green. Like fresh chopped grass of the summer.
He'd have a smile on his face every minute of every day. His mom would live next door and I would have been able to meet her. Hug her, get to know the amazing women Harry cherishes so much.
Ryleigh would still be alive. I would have gotten to know her, been there for her, become her sister. We could have been family. She could be next door to Harry's mom with Niall. Life would be simple and safe.
I opened my eyes at the sound of thunder coming from the night's rain storm, pulling me from my false reality. That was far from what was real. In reality, Harry and I could never get married or have children. We'd never be able to live happily.
Ryleighs dead, his mother is dead. Harry never smiles, he never laughs, he's never happy. We don't get breaks. We're not safe. We're in constant torture, paying our dues for playing god and choosing who lives and dies.
I brought the cigarette to my lips again, sucking on it and wiping a tear from my cheek as I pulled back. I stared out the window, watching as rain began to pitter against my windows, just like last night.
I wrapped my arm around my stomach and placed the cigarette between my lips, switching my position to sit under the blanket. I sucked on the cigarette, allowing the toxins in my lungs before unwillingly pushing it out.
Another tear escaped from my eyes while watching as the sky cried itself. I pressed my lips in a line while holding the cigarette down off the bed, flicking the ash off the end.
Times like this made me want to keep my eyes open forever. To shield myself from the pain of what a good life could be. Because this, this is not a life. This is a never ending loop of pain. It's the purgatory before going to hell, which is even worse than hell itself.
One where I'm playing with devils
Taking another suck, I squished the lit bud on my palm, feeling the burning sensation of the lit end but not feeling it enough to make me flinch. It was more of a wake up pinch than a painful feeling. My body was too numb to feel something as simple as that.
I threw the bud on my bedside table and looked down at my hand. There was a line of circles, all from me putting my cigarettes out on my skin. I've found myself doing it as a cry for any release from the psychological torture I've subjected myself to for accepting this one last plea.
I held my hand to my chest while pulling my knees to my chest and laying my chin on top of my hot skin. I watched the windows again, a new tear releasing as a new drop of rain slammed against the glass of the window.
I was well aware there were cameras on me, watching me. Seeing me cry and burn the palm of my hand with cigarette ends. But I didn't care. This was the only time I've ever known to be able to let my feelings lose. All other times were signs of weakness.
Blinking my eyes, a flash of green blurred my vision, but I was too fast to allow it to linger. Seeing him hasn't been this painful, or maybe I think it's pain. My emotions are a ball of yarn and I just keep adding new colors, trying to choose the perfect match.
I moved my body down to lie down on the bed, my head hitting the pillows. The foul smell of blood still remained in the room, the window having little to no effect. I didn't care much, I was used to the smell.
I kept my back to the door as I stared out the windows and out to the world. The free world. Sometimes, I want to leave the states and change my name. Maybe move to France and become the writer I've always wanted to be.
Or maybe Spain. Get to know the culture, learn the language. Become anything I wanted. I would get to start over, have a new life. I bet if I tried hard enough, I could finally be happy.
Because the longer it took for me to get the information I needed here, the farther and farther away I got from my one hope of happiness. My breath of fresh air was rarer than rainbow eucalyptus.
I sniffled and sighed before crunching my legs to my chest and cuddling into a ball. I pulled the blanket over my shoulder and kept my eyes peeled to the outside. There was no way I was sleeping tonight. I was too nervous to dream and have to wake up.
Harry's POV
I allowed my body to sink into the ground as rain hit against my skin. The bare skin of my uncovered abdomen, the cloth of my pants. The rain hit every inch of me.
I closed my eyes, allowing my brain to indulge in the feeling of the tiny hits hitting rapidly against me. It felt nice to feel something other than hurt and anger. At least I thought it was those emotions.
I can never really tell
Opening my eyes again, I looked up at the night sky. It was clouded by gray rain clouds, not nearly as pretty as a few minutes ago. I was searching for the Orion constellation. I never knew what it was, my mother just told me what it looked like and now I always try to find it.
I felt the saltiness of the rain hit against my tongue as I laid with my mouth slightly open. It was a similar taste to tears which I knew all too well of. I quickly closed my mouth at the thought.
"Harry!" A voice shouted over the rain, but was muffled. It sang out from my back door.
I turned to see Natalie rushing over with an umbrella. She stopped over my body and held the umbrella over us.
"Are you trying to get sick? Come inside." She held her hand out for me to take but I just stared up blankly.
"I'm finally feeling something." I sighed.
"What are you feeling that you can't feel inside?" Natalie questioned while holding her sweatshirt over her pajamas.
"Something. I don't know." I sighed.
"Please Harry, come inside. I'll make you some tea and maybe you can think of the emotion." Natalie crouched down and held her hand out closer to me. I turned my head to look at it and back up at her.
Hesitantly, I took it. We both got up and she immediately brought me into a hug and ran us up the stairs. We got into my house and an immediate chill took over my body.
Natalie closed the umbrella and grabbed a big towel, undoing it and putting it around my shoulders. She immediately threw a sweatshirt over my head and placed the towel over my shoulders again.
"I thought you had gone to the casino at first." Natalie chuckled while moving to behind the counter and putting on a tea kettle.
"I can't get behind the wheel. I'm afraid of what I'll do." I shivered while holding my arms close to my body.
"Your so stupid. You could have ended up right back into the hospital if you let those wounds get infected." Natalie shook her head while she removed her sweatshirt and shoes.
"Maybe I would have felt something." I shrugged.
Natalie stopped in her tracks when I said that. She relaxed her shoulders and turned to look at me. Running her fingers through her hair, she put the kettle on the stove and walked over to me at the table.
"She's fine Harry." Natalie placed her hands on the table and looked at me with pity. I didn't have the energy to react how I usually would to it.
"Why would she just up and leave? That's not her." I shook my head, refusing to agree with the conclusion they all had come up with.
"I don't know Harry. I didn't think it was her either." Natalie leaned back in the chair and sighed.
"No, it's not her. Don't use it in the past tense." I hissed.
"I'm sorry, you're right. She's not. But Harry, what other evidence do we have to prove otherwise?" Natalie tried to reason.
I shook my head, "I-I don't know. But all I know is she left for a reason." I defended quickly.
"Okay," Natalie nodded.
"What, no refute?" I questioned.
"What is there to say? You believe what you believe, I believe what I believe." Natalie shrugged.
I just shrugged. Natalie was right. I had zero evidence to back up the idea that she ran away for a reason. All I have is a feeling. A feeling that she wouldn't leave us for her own selfish needs. She's the farthest thing from selfish.
"Tomorrow, we're leaving the house, okay? Niall's doing a shit job as boss right now." Natalie tried to make light of the situation.
"Mind if I go to bed?" I stood up from my chair and shrugged the towel off my shoulders. Natalie stood up with me.
"Oh, okay. Goodnight." Natalie stood up in front of me.
"Night." I nodded.
I quickly walked upstairs and into my bedroom. Natalie had cleaned it so it was no longer filled with bottles and broken objects. I closed the door behind me and immediately climbed into bed.
I collapsed onto my back and closed my eyes, allowing my mind to wander to various mental pictures I had taken of Kennedy. All of them were in good health and not bad. All of her smiling that intoxicating smile.
No one has ever had this hold on me. The hold that drowns me of the thought of them not being around. The hold that makes me rather die than have to deal with the pain of losing them forever.
I didn't know what this all meant, why this was happening, how this was happening. I've never experienced this high of an infatuation with someone. And I've only known her for a month or two.
Who knew a few simple experiences with someone could make you question everything you ever thought you knew about yourself. It's a scary feeling. Not knowing if what you thought was true or it was all a lie you were just convincing yourself of.
I kept my eyes closed, trying to force my body to escape from reality. I hated reality. It was nothing but an endless torture of pain. The only time I've been able to breathe these past 48 hours has been when I closed my eyes and I could be with her.
But I can't keep my eyes closed forever.
I opened my eyes again and turned my body to look outside my windows to stare out the window into the skin. Maybe if I wished hard enough or prayed to a god that hated me, she'd be looking at the sky too and know I was looking with her.
This might be the only thing I have to hold onto. A nearly impossible hope that could break at the smallest movement.
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