A/N: Dang, I'm on a roll with these chapters. I forced myself to write through crippling writer's block, which, by the way, is an official diagnosis now, short-form CWB, because I say so. Every writer will agree with me.
School is back in full force. Dang it.
Guys, please read this. Before you read this chapter, make sure you are fully aware of the content warning I have included in this story's description. This chapter is a heavy one, heavier than usual, and it may be a trigger for some people. Don't read it if you aren't sure, I really don't want to cause anyone distress from my completely (fan)fiction story.
Now, onto the chapter! I hope it isn't bad, you know, because of my CWB.
"You ready, Cammi?"
I stare into my brother's eyes as he leans over me, the empty syringe in hand.
Absolutely not. "Yeah."
I lay there, waiting for the serum to take effect, my mind drifting to the past day.
I can see how the simulations have been taking a toll on my fellow initiates. Lavender jumps at sudden movements. Ethan flinches whenever the breeze of an AC unit hits him. Even Julia discretely glances around whenever she enters a new room, eyes wide and alert for danger. Last night, we were all awoken several times by someone's yelp or scream, unable to contain the noises of their nightmares.
If I were a normal initiate, maybe I would be the same. But nightmares aren't new to me. And my first simulation wasn't exactly a made-up scenario; it was my mind putting together figments of my memory to make a new one.
Suddenly, the darkness takes me.
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I'm standing in my room in Abnegation. Again. Great.
If my heart wasn't starting to pick up its pace, if my mouth wasn't starting to become dry, if fear wasn't already wrapping its tentacles around my brain and refusing to let go, I might have made a snarky comment directed at Tobias under my breath, something like, You probably won't get the same fear again, he said.
But the symptoms of terror are taking effect, so I don't. Instead, I stare at my bedroom door and wait for Marcus to call me again.
But he doesn't.
I frown. In the first simulation, he called me in the first five seconds. I've been waiting for over half a minute now, and he still hasn't called. What's going on?
I shift my gaze away from the door, and to my alarm clock. It reads 7:22 PM.
Of course, the door decides to open right at that moment.
I whip my head around, only to see Marcus, smirk and all, take a step into my room, the smell of alcohol surrounding him like a cloud.
He didn't come to me in the last simulation.
"Hello, Camilla." His voice sends prickles up my spine. I've heard Marcus sober, almost blackout drunk, and even tipsy, like he is now. But he's never sounded like this. Marcus always sounds menacing when he's talking to us, but now, he sounds different somehow.
The beatings Tobias and I endured while in Abnegation were bad, but we knew to expect them. They were predictable. It's when Marcus gets unpredictable that he's truly dangerous.
I probably sound like an Erudite right now.
"Are you missing Tobias," he spits out his son's name like it's a curse, "right now?"
Anger boils in my stomach, but I stay still, completely still. My mind spins with confusion. Why is he mentioning my brother now? Marcus usually stays far away from the topic of him or his transfer.
I feel him grip my chin and force it upwards, so my face is an inch away from his. Everything in me screams for me to run, or punch him, but I can't. I'd either fail, and make the sim more painful for me, or manipulate the simulation, exposing both Tobias and I in the process.
"Answer me when I ask you something, Camilla."
His eyes are more black than dark blue right now. Then again, that could also be a figment of my imagination. "Yes, sir."
Apparently that was the wrong answer, because a second later, I feel the sting of a slap on my face. "That's not what you're supposed to say."
I take a step back, hoping that I spare myself some of Marcus' obvious wrath. But he steps forward. "He forsook his family for those hooligans, so we forsake him. That is why you can't go see him today."
And I swear the world falls away around me.
That is why you can't go see him today.
Visiting Day.
This simulation is set on last year's Visiting Day.
That means...
Oh no. no. No, no, no, no no no no no nononononono!
It can't be. It can't be.
I swore that I wouldn't tell anybody about this. Not even Tobias. Because, god forbid, if he ever found out, it would either break him into pieces, or send him on a murderous rampage to Abnegation. Neither of which I can deal with.
If I don't get out of this soon, not only will Tobias see it, all the leaders will as well. Complete strangers. Jeanine Matthews' puppets, looking for people like me. Possibly even Jeanine Matthews herself.
I take a step back, and another, and another, my heart beating so loudly that I don't know how Marcus doesn't hear it. I keep stepping away from him until my back is against the wall.
My throat is tight, making my breaths into short gasps.
Marcus steps forward.
My stomach threatens to empty itself on the carpet.
He takes another step.
I start trembling.
"We're going to try something new today, Camilla."
Those words.
Those eight damned words.
They're what make me lose it.
Memories start pounding at my carefully-built walls, threatening to tear them down with their force.
I can't let this happen. Not again. I have to get out, now, for my own sake, at least.
I bolt for the door, hitting Marcus with my shoulder, surprising him.
But just as I reach the doorframe of my room, something catches my arm hard, and I stumble, crashing into the floor.
No. Not again.
"Well, Camilla, you've never tried that before." Marcus huffs, towering over me. His face has lost his arrogant smirk and replaced it with an expression of pure anger. "Have you really not learned anything all these years?"
I can't answer him; I'm too consumed with terror at the sight of him standing over me. Right now, with me on the ground, he might as well be as tall as the Hancock Building.
It's only when he moves his left hand, which has been behind his back the entire conversation, out to reveal a rope, that I gain the ability to speak again.
"Stop! Stop, Mar-Dad, please!" I cry out, trying to scooch away from him. Tears start building in my eyes. My mouth burns with the last word, hating that I'm calling him that, but right now, I'd grovel at his feet and call him a god if it means that he won't do what he did on last year's Visiting Day.
But he doesn't stop. He kneels down beside me and grabs both of my wrists, winding rope around them, trapping them behind my back.
I keep thrashing, trying desperately to get away from him. In my panic, I don't register the flash of silver in Marcus' hand until the cold metal touches my throat, stilling me immediately.
A glint of metal, at my neck.
"Stop moving so damn much." He growls, his breath tickling my ear. I shiver, and turn my head.
When it's clear that I won't move again, Marcus sets the knife down beside him and continues tying the rope around my hands. The tears previously trapped in my eyes now begin falling, splattering on my face and clothes.
No. No. No.
I take a risk, and start talking, begging, pleading again. "Don't do this! Stop, don't do this, please!"
I know I'm babbling, I know that my heart rate and breathing are probably out the roof right now, and I can't find it in myself to care.
And, suddenly, my other cheek starts stinging. Another hit, harder than the last one.
"Begging won't get you anywhere, daughter."
He finishes the knot, pulling it tight, and I wince, but don't move otherwise. I can't lift myself with my arms tied behind my back.
Then, he moves so he's standing right in front of me, picking up the knife on the way.
I start shaking even more. If I thought his eyes were black before, they're even more so now.
I'm petrified, partly because of the position I'm in, tied up on the floor, but also because of his eyes. What I see in them terrifies me more than anything else.
His hands move towards me, and I shrink back as far as I can, hoping that the carpet will swallow me whole.
Of course, that doesn't happen, and his hands touch the hem of my plain, baggy gray shirt.
"Please," I whisper, tasting the saltiness of the tears on my lips as I speak. "I'm begging you."
He pays me no mind. In one quick motion, my shirt is off. If I were naive enough, I would believe that this was a normal beating, but I'm not.
Now, I'm left in a full-length skirt, something I don't usually wear, but wore just in case I could go see my brother, and my bra.
His hands go for my bra next.
No, no, no, he can't do this, he can't-
And suddenly, the upper half of my body is completely exposed to the air.
Marcus stares at me, and I want more than anything to pull my arms in front of me, to cover myself up, but I can't.
Because Marcus, my father, has tied my arms behind my back, and is currently staring at my... state.
It's when he finally moves again, going for the skirt, that I try one last time.
Pulling my leg back, I kick him as hard as I can in the stomach. It's stupid, and will probably get me punished, but a beating is a thousand times better than this.
"You-" He snarls, hunching over. But he recovers all too fast, and, before I know it, the cold feeling of having a knife at my neck is back. "Camilla, you need to stop being such a bad girl."
I squeeze my eyes shut. Stop, stop, stop, make it stop, please, Tobias, anyone!
But nobody comes to my aid. Nobody makes it stop.
I know because I can hear the rustle of fabric, I can hear the suggestive tone in Marcus' voice, and-
I can feel cold air on my legs.
There's only one piece of fabric left on my whole body.
My breathing is getting even heavier than it was before. I'm shaking and trembling all over, and I'm completely powerless.
And suddenly, my own voice sounds in my head. This isn't real.
I have to calm my heart rate and control my breathing, and then I can make this stop. I can make this stop.
I force images into my head. Tobias, the way I saw him my first night in Dauntless, leaning on the Chasm railing, waiting for me. His smile, which probably lit up the whole compound, and our first hug in a year.
Lavender, and her ferociousness when it comes to defending the people she loves, hidden behind her cheerful nature.
Ethan, and his defense of us against Zayden and Dante, when we first met him, on the train, his snarky, light-hearted comments about being stuck with a bunch of girls at our mealtimes.
Julia, her stubborn, guilt-ridden words after I woke up in the infirmary from fighting her, her shouting at Lavender and Ethan, her friends too, when they began questioning me about the rumors.
Juniper and Kian and Chloe, the Dauntless-born who have accepted me, an Abnegation transfer, wholeheartedly, who have joked with me and laughed with me and teased me.
Rowan, our laughs as we raced with Denzel and Aziel on our shoulders, the awkward moments after I put my finger to his lips to silence him, his kiss on my cheek.
Right as Marcus' hand touches my last undergarment, the world fades around me.
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I bolt upright in the chair, breathing hard, still shaking.
Tobias' face is the first thing I see, staring at the computer screen. He's pale, skin whiter than I've ever seen it.
And then, it hits me like a train.
I was in a sim. A sim about Marcus. A sim where Marcus slowly removed my clothes as I thrashed and struggled-
"Cam?" Tobias' voice is a strangled whisper, but, to me, it sounds like a cannon.
He's turned his face towards me, and his face makes me want to hit myself.
There's so many emotions on his face - anger, sadness, confusion, disbelief - but the most prominent is guilt. It covers his face like a piece of the sheer fabric that some of the Dauntless clothes are designed with. It swims in his eyes, drowning out anything else that might be there.
He wasn't supposed to find out. Especially not like this.
I should have got out of the simulation faster, I should have tried harder, I should have-
I can't think like that. What's done is done. Maybe I could have done better, but I didn't, and Tobias saw it, and he's not naive. People with a past like ours can't afford to be.
"I-I've got to go." With that, I leap out of my chair, and dash for the back door. Throwing it open, I sprint down the hall, risking only one glance back over my shoulder. If Tobias decides to chase me, he'll definitely catch me.
But he doesn't. He just stands in the doorframe, gripping it with both hands like it's his lifeline, and watches me run away.
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I spend the rest of the afternoon wandering the compound.
The Dauntless compound is huge. I mean, I've been to the Pit and the dining room and the training room and the dormitories and even Tobias' apartment, but there are so many more places that I haven't seen, that wandering through all of them keeps me occupied for hours.
There are far more apartments than I thought there would be - either Dauntless has a lot of empty apartments, or there are more people than the few hundred Dauntless I thought there were. But the layout of Dauntless is surprisingly practical, so I suspect the latter.
I'm also surprised by the number of odd, different jobs I found the Dauntless had. Of course, there was the expected stuff, like Faction leader and Faction ambassador offices. I stay a good distance away from those, because I'm not sure if I'm allowed there. But there's also rooms that are marked "WEAPONS DEVELOPMENT","PATROL LOCKER ROOM", and "CHASM MAINTENANCE". With all the different roles I'm seeing, I think what Tobias said, about us most likely ending up at the fence if we didn't rank in the top five, is not too true. I mean, the bottom five probably won't get good jobs, but they'll certainly have more options than just the fence.
Tobias. As much as I love him, right now, he's the main problem. My friends will probably worry about why I never came back to the dorm, or to dinner, but I can hopefully just give them the excuse of today's sim was bad, I had to walk around for a while. A long while.
Just the thought of the sim makes me shiver. Even in my full length pants, I swear I feel a cold breeze on my legs.
But Tobias saw the sim. He saw what simulation-Marcus was about to do. And he'll probably be able to deduce, from the unnatural detail in the sim and my reaction, that it wasn't just a made-up scenario.
I lift my wrist up to my face and check my watch. 11:40 PM.
I have five minutes to figure out what to say to Tobias.
I know that I have to go to our meeting at the Chasm tonight. If I don't go, Tobias will probably find me and drag me there. And if he doesn't, this tension between us will hang around until one of us addresses it.
I push myself off the wall and start walking towards our spot.
When I walk down the path to the rocks, I pray that I'm the first one there, just so I have a little more time to prepare myself mentally for this conversation. But, to my dismay, Tobias is already sitting there, throwing small, loose stones into the water.
I guess I won't get that preparation time. But what would I have done with it, anyways? How does someone prepare for a conversation like this? What am I supposed to say to him? Oh, Tobias, about a week or two after you transferred, our father raped me.
"Hey." My voice is quiet, lacking any of my usual cheer. I'm always excited to see him and talk to him freely, but not today.
"Hi, Cam." He lifts his head to look at me. I meet his gaze. Two swirling vortexes of emotion collide, for just a second.
I reach his side and sit down, curling up against him like we used to do on particularly distressing days in Abnegation. He clearly recognizes the gesture, because he settles his arm around me a second later.
We sit in silence for what feels like hours, but I know is only a few minutes.
Tobias is the first to speak.
"Cam." He hesitates, and I already know what is coming. But I let him finish. "Was the sim- did he actually-?"
His voice is a little stronger now than it was in the sim room, but I can still hear the raspy undertone in his voice, caused by the distress I gave him.
I take a deep breath, trying to get a handle on my emotions and voice before I tell him. "Yeah." That one word feels like a key, locking the door behind me, reminding me that now, there's no turning back. "He did."
Out of all the reactions I feared coming from him, this wasn't one.
Tobias immediately engulfs me in a tight hug.
I'm frozen for a second, before I melt into him, returning the embrace.
I'm struck by his selflessness; I mean, I always knew my brother was selfless, and his aptitude test only confirmed that, but right now, I'm the one who dropped a bombshell on him. I learned to live with the fact of Marcus'... actions a while ago. Tobias learned about it hours ago, and in the worst possible way, by watching me almost experience it. Hours after he did it, I was huddled on my bed, still staring at the bloodstained carpet, which I would definitely be in charge of cleaning the next day, my clothes back on, trying to process the implications.
After several seconds of embracing, Tobias whispers into my ear, like Marcus did in the sim. But I don't mind. Tobias is nothing like Marcus. "Why didn't you tell me?" His voice is carefully controlled, I can tell.
"I didn't want to make you feel guilty." I answer truthfully, pushing the memories away forcefully. "Don't deny it Tobias, I could see it all over your face after the sim - there is nothing for you to feel guilty about."
"But, I could have stayed, maybe he wouldn't have done it." Now that I've admitted that I know it's there, Tobias' guilt is coming out in full force. "Maybe-"
"Tobias, listen to me." He goes quiet. "I told you on the day of your Choosing Ceremony, no buts. I said it again on my first day in Dauntless. Now, I'm going to say it another time, and I'll keep saying it, as many times as I need to to get it into that thick noggin of yours." He smiles slightly at my attempt to lighten the conversation. "No buts, Tobias. None. Nada. Zero. Get any 'buts' out of your head." I take his hands in mine, and start drawing circles on the back of them with my thumbs, a gesture he's often done for me whenever I was distressed or in pain. "What's done is done. Marcus did it- Marcus raped me-" I flinch at the acknowledgement, and Tobias frowns, clearly noticing it. "but that was a long time ago. I may not be over it, but I've learned to live with it."
"How?" Tobias' voice has lost every bit of control. "He did something unspeakable to you. How did- how are you still so strong?" I blush at the high praise.
"This is going to sound harsh, but I've had to. Like it or not, the world keeps moving along, and it's our choice of whether we want to move along with it. Yeah, I hate Marcus for what he did to you, for how he violated me. But, at the end of the day, I was still alive, and I still had someone that loved me - you. So I kept going. I refuse to be a prisoner to the things I can't change."
Tobias' tense expression softens at my words. "God, Cam, when did you become so wise?"
I snicker, the words bringing me back to knife-throwing day. "In the last week, apparently, since you questioned my wisdom the day you threw a knife at me."
Tobias laughs at that. "Well, I won't ever make that mistake again."
"Yeah, sure. We'll see if you remember that tomorrow."
"I definitely will." But then, Tobias' expression turns serious again. Seeing this, my own smile flattens. "One more question, Cam, that's it, I promise. I just need to know... did he ever do it again?"
I stiffen instantly, giving him his answer. Based on the way Tobias' eyes spark with anger, he sees it too.
He stares at me, waiting for a response, and I sigh, trying to contain the tears welling behind my eyes, knowing that this conversation isn't over until I tell him outright. Tobias hates not knowing things. "He did it once on Visiting Day, two more times in the week after that." Tobias tenses, and I hurry to finish my words. "But that was it. Just three times."
"Three times?" Tobias exclaims. "Cam, he r-raped you three times and you're not reacting?"
"It's a fact, Tobias. I've learned to live with it."
"I don't know if I can, Cam." He runs a hand through his hair, looking away from me. His other hand is clenched into a fist. "I'm going to kill him. I'm going to kill him for this-"
This is exactly what I feared. Apparently, in situations like these, anger is his second reaction. "Tobias, don't." I plead with him. "If you do, the Candor and probably also the Erudite, will launch an investigation, and they'll find out it's you, and they'll take you away." I know I'm ranting now, but I seem to have lost my control over my own emotions, at the thought of the consequences. The tears have burst from their dam and are now streaming down my cheeks. "They'll put you on trial, and take you to jail. I don't know if I can watch that."
"But he deserves it!" Tobias fumes. "He hurt you in monstrous ways, and he deserves-"
"I know what he deserves, Tobias. It happened to me." This statement makes his enraged expression fall into one of guilt. He looks at me for the first time since his first angry outburst, and his face crumples even more when he sees the tears on my face.
Instantly, I feel guilty myself, for using those harsh words, but I had to get him to stop and listen. "No, don't do that to yourself. I understand, Tobias. If he had done anything at that level to you, Marcus would have had to pray for his life. But you have to understand. The Candor know what they're doing. If you take any sort of revenge on Marcus, then they'll trace it back to you. I'm finally with you in Dauntless. I want it to stay that way. I just don't want to be separated from you again."
My pained, heartfelt words seem to put out the last of his anger, at least externally. "Sorry, Cam."
"You've got nothing to be sorry for."
"Thank you." Now that the anger is stripped away, I can hear the vulnerability in his voice, and it breaks my heart a little. "You're really good at comforting people."
His words mimic Julia's from yesterday, and I laugh. "You know, Julia said the exact same thing. I told her that I'm not, that I just try to say what feels right."
"That's what comforting people is." He returns. "Trying your best to make them feel better and hoping you don't mess up. And you're really good at it; you not only know what to say, but how to recognize when someone needs comforting. For example," he shifts a little. "I should have spent this time comforting you over your sim. Instead, you spent most of the time comforting me."
"It's nothing." I wave my brother off. "I told you already, I've had a year to accept the fact. The sim-" I cringe. "Well, I won't deny that it was scary, but still. You learned about something traumatic that happened to someone you love hours ago, Tobias. You needed the comforting more than I do."
"We'll agree to disagree." He replies. "As you pointed out earlier, it happened to you. And the fact that you're comforting me - well, I can't not see the Abnegation in you."
"Sure, agree to disagree." I want to argue with him on who needs more comforting, but Tobias is stubborn, and I'm tired. I'm not setting myself up for failure.
"Cam? I know that you don't want to worry me, but just- if you need me for anything, concerning Marcus or not, just tell me okay? I'll always be there for you."
His smile is soft, concerned, but it doesn't make me feel weak. Instead, it makes me feel loved. "Okay. And, I know. But, the same goes for you, too."
"Deal. Love you, sis."
"Love you too, bro, even if you do get annoying sometimes."
"Hey!"
A/N: Hey, I warned you guys to prepare for emotional carnage.
I hope that I'm not writing too many Chasm scenes, it's just that Tobias and Cammi go through a lot in this story, and they're each other's support system, so these scenes usually happen quite a bit. If you, like, absolutely hate them, then rest assured, I only have a few more Chasm scenes planned, and none quite as heavy as this one. If you love them, well, go reread the ones I've written. I think this is my fifth one?
Oh, and consider the warning I gave at the beginning to apply to the next few chapters, at least, if not the rest of this story. Despite how well Cammi is handling it, the simulation was traumatic for her, and trauma doesn't go away that easily. So the topic will be revisited at some point.
By the way, Cammi's words, "I refuse to be a prisoner to the things I can't change.", that's inspired by Tony Gaskins, who said, "If you can't do anything about it, then let it go. Don't be a prisoner to things you can't change." The rest of her 'inspirational speech' is mine.
What time is it? IT'S TIME FOR BOOKS! Today I bring you...
Cornelia and the Audacious Escapades of the Somerset Sisters! (By Lesley M.M. Blume)
This book didn't seem like much at first, but it didn't take long for me to get completely caught up in it. You go around the world and back again while reading this story, with prominent themes of friendship and adventure. It's considered a children's book, but I thoroughly enjoy it every time I read it, to this day!
Link to author's page: https://www.lesleymmblume.com/childrens-books
This book has no sequels.
Okay, so, there is a possibility that another chapter may be done by tomorrow. Especially because the next one is a bit happier than this one. Just a bit.
Gracias por leer, estrellas! Hasta manana (posiblemente)!