CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
I slowly opened my brown eyes. I woke up because of the rays of the sun that I forgot to lower by tying the curtain. Nakalimutan ko dahil sa naramdaman kong sakit at hirap. Nakatulog pala ako sa study table ko habang hawak hawak ko pa rin ang lalarawan na 'min ni Mama. I didn't even feel the pain in my body because the pain was still overwhelming. Maybe, I'm so numb that even my own body doesn't feel the pain anymore.
I got up to walk to the bed and I was still holding the picture of me and Mama. When I lay down, the pain and suffering from yesterday came back again. And that's when my liquid dripped from my eyes.
"Shain. . . anak, lagi mong t-tatandaan na mahal na mahal na mahal ka ni M-mama, okay?" sambit ni Mama.
Nakahiga ako sa pagitnang hita niya. Maraan niyang hinahaplos ang aking buhok.
"Mama, love-love ko po kayo!" Nakangiting kong ani.
Little by little, I began to cry again because my past kept coming back to me. Every time we are together. He was seen for almost a minute but all of that suddenly disappeared because of the nightmare incident.
Si Mama ang nagturo kung paano ako maging masaya. Si Mama nagturo kung paano magmahal na walang hinihintay ng kapalit. Si Mama ang nagturo kung paano ako maglakad noong bata pa ako. si Mama nagturo kung paano magsalita, kumain at minahal ako ng lubos na lubos. Si Mama ang lahat-lahat, pero nang dahil isang problema, napilitan siya magpakalayo-layo.
Nagpakalayo nga siya. . . pero hindi na siya muling makakabalik pa. Kailaman man.
Ang daya mo Mama!
I took a pillow to my side to cover my face so I wouldn't make any noise and to lean on and hug someone whenever I felt weak, whenever I remembered someone. Especially, that's where I pour out my anger, annoyance, and frustration. This pillow is a witness to everything I went through when Mama disappeared. Saksi siya sa lahat ng sakit na nadama ko noong mga panahon na wala akong makapitan, malapitan, at lalong lalo na walang akong mapagsabihan.
I can't share anyone what I've experienced in my life that I live, because my life is just like a cupid, looking to be loved, that can be matched by the fun and excitement I've experienced, and when I shoot I'm definitely mixed with pain, hardship, and tire of the future and longing for the loved one.
Walang kasiguruhan kung hanggang kailan akong magiging ganito.
When will I find happiness without expecting anything in return?
"Natatandaan mo ba sinabi ni Mama?" Mama asked.
Marahan akong tumangon at napatayo sa pagkakahiga ko sa pagitnang hita niya. "Kapag po hirap ka na. . . h'wag po ako maawa."
Ngumiti naman siya sa akin at hinalikan niya ako sa noo. Tumango naman ito at dahan dahan niya pinunasan pasikreto ang luhang lumabas sa kaniya. "Bunso, ano pa sabi ni Mama?"
Pumikit muna ako saglit at inaalala ko ang bawat detalye sinabi niya noon.
Minulat ko ang aking mata at nagbigay ako na mabigat na paghinga. "Kapag po nawala kayo, dapat hindi kita hahanapin. . ."
And that's when my crying started. It's still here in my mind. I was just a baby when Mom bought me those. Wala akong kamalay-malay na malalim din ang ibig sabihin nu'n.
'Kapag nawala ako, bunso. H'wag mo akong hanapin, ah.'
Ang hirap. Ang hirap kalimutan lalo na't wala pa akong kaalam-alam. Ang sakit dahil wala akomg kaideya-ideya ganu'n pala ang mangyayari. Kung hawak ko lang ang mangyayari, sana pinigilan ko pa. pero hindi. . . Hindi ko kayang pigilan. Hindi ko kayang balikan ang nakaraan.
Wala akong kakayahan bawiin iyon.
Hagulgol pa rin ako ng hagulgol sa loon ng kwarto ko. Sobrang sakit dahil hanggang ngayon sariwa pa rin ang sugat galing kay Mama. Hanggang ngayon naalala ko pa rin siya bago siyang tuluyan umalis sa puder na 'min.
I'm hugging the pillow and punching it, I can't bear the pain I felt anymore and especially I can't hide or stop sobbing because every time I stop it hurts more and more and hurts me like it's tearing my body and millions of needles piercing my heart.
Gusto kong magwala ngunit hindi kaya ng katawan ko. Gusto ko sumigaw ngunit napapaos na ako sa kakaiyak. Gusto kong manisi ng ibang tao ngunit hindi kaya ng konsensiya ko. At lalong, gusto ko ng sumunod kay Mama ngunit ayaw ng katawan. . . puso at isip ko.
Mama, ganu'n kasakit. . . ganu'n pa rin kalalim! Sobrang hirap na ako Mama!
Hanggang alala na lang ang kaya kong balikan. Alala na lang ang lahat.
"Mama, sina Kuya Miguel, sobrang sakit ng loob ko sa kanila." pagsusumbong, hawak-hawak ang picture frame at hinahaplos.
May naramdaman akong malamig na hangin na bumalot sa aking buong katawan, at ramdam ko ang lamig na hangin na yumapos sa aking balat na tila bang pinapagaan niya ang loob ko. Nang dahil sa pagod ng iyak nang iyak ay unti unti ko pinikit ang aking mata.
"S-Salamat, Mama. . . I missed you. I love you, Ma. . ." huling sambit ko bago ako tuluyan pumikit.
Alas diez ng umaga pero nahuli akong nagising ngayon. No one bothered to knock or call me. Good thing, everyone here is already working. I didn't go in today because I wanted to be alone. Ayoko na may kausap. Alam kong mugtong-mugto ang aking mata ngayon dahil magdamag akong umiiyak. I don't even know if Lyzza and Erica are looking for me since the last time we met was when Joaquin was carrying me while we were in the hallway of the building.
I haven't opened my phone yet because the battery is low. I also don't want to charge it because I'm sure my phone is full of messages or missed calls. Kasalukuyan akong nagtitimpla ng kape nang may biglang kumatok sa pintuan. Buong loob akong nagtaka sapagkat wala naman akong inaasahan bibisita ngayon araw.
When I opened the door, I seemed to be frozen where I was standing now and it was as if something suddenly raced in my heart. He was still bowing in front of me and he was still wearing a black cap.
"Lance?" utal kong tawag.
Nagmadaling siyang lumapit sa gawi ko, dahan-dahan kong naramandaman ang dalawang braso na pumalupot niya sa 'kin at pilit niyang sinisiksik ang kaniyang ulo sa sarili ko.
"Shit! I'm so worried about you!" he said with a manly voice.
I feel like there's butterflies in my stomach but suddenly—I heard his sobbing.
I hugged him back and rubbed his head. He is still crying and I don't understand why he is like this. I just see myself smiling as I continue to stroke his hair. I can't figure out why I'm acting like that and I know very well that my face suddenly turned red from what he did.
"Shainny naman, why haven't you been answering my calls and messages?" He held me in a tighter embrace.
"I'm sorry nabusy lang. . ." pagsisinungaling ko.
Hindi pa ako handang sabihin sa kanila at lalong sa kaniya man. Hindi pa akong handang sabihin sa kanila kung ano ang naranasan ko kagabi, kung ano ang sakit dumaloy sa aking isipin, at loob-looban ng puso ko.
Naghalo-halo na. At lalong litong-lito ako.
Naramdaman ko na lang na may tumulong luha sa aking mata. Mabilis ko iyon pinunasan. Kumalas ito sa pagkakayakap na 'min pero hanggang ngayon, ang dalawa niyang kamay ay nasa balikat ko na. Tumingin ito sa 'kin ng seryoso at tinignan ko rin ito ng pabalik.
I still can't process in my mind that I'm talking to him in front of me now.
He stood right in front of me. Its body is elegant and very fragrant flowing to my nose. It's just a perfume, you know that it's a man who has retaliated. That's when I noticed that he was still wearing his uniform, wearing a white polo shirt, black slacks, white sacks, black shoes and that his hair was down. Kinakilangan ko rin tumingala para kitain ko ang kaniyang magagandang nitong mata, matangos na ilong at makapal na kilay.
Lumunok muna ako bago magsalita.
"P-Pasok ka muna, Joaquin."
Binitawan na niya ang pagkakahawak niya sa balikat ko. Pinauna ko muna siya pumasok. Alam na alam kung g'wapo ang isang tao kahit nakatalikod siya ay gwapo pa rin.
I cleared my throat. "Gusto mo bang ng kumain—"
Pumikit muna siya at alam na alam kpng kinakabahan siya.
"S-Shain. . ."
"Ano?" diretsong kong tanong. "Sabihin mo na kinaka—"
"I have feelings for you, Shainny," he confessed with a serious tone. "I don't just want to be friends. I want you, because it's you. I want you because I genuinely like you."
N A M E L E S S G U Y 2 5