Beechworth was where we all lived.
An island that was easily an abode for the cremé de la cremé in the country.
At the heart of the country's income generating state, it had the best tourist center in the continent, an even greater advantage when it came to safety.
The island was an impregnable fortress.
Magnificent mansions that gave castles a run for their money were erected on this very island, eco friendly environment, one of the best education facility in the country... Just you name it, and Beechworth whips it out in a flash, like a magician does out of his hat.
All these came second to what made Beechworth an abode worth everything.
It was the humming sounds that came from sea waves, the twitting birds that sang sweet melodies from dusk till dawn and the therapeutic sea breeze that cleansed one's soul, with just an inhale.
However, with the state I was in, not even first hand experience with this beautiful Island could rid me of the disturbing thoughts.
After the encounter with the gallery director, sleep had eluded me last night.
I'd stayed awake, trying to make a decision I wasn't sure would be of any benefit to me and relieving so many memories that still gnawed at my heart.
Growing up, I'd always swam in a sea of uncertainty.
I was that kid who still was trying to figure out what she wanted in life.
And with him around, things had been a little better.
At the age of five, I'd proudly declared I wanted to be a footballer, because he always looked so happy irrespective of the sweaty and messy state he was in, after each game.
At ten, I'd come home one time, screaming that I'd be a musician, because I'd heard him sing on our school stage... Seen him get all the attention and felt my heart swell with pride as everyone showered him with praises.
At thirteen, I wanted to be a doctor because that's what he wanted to be. I would listen to him talk about the beauty of biology, the wonders of chemistry and the magic of physics. And I would go on and on, telling him to say them again... Even though I understood nothing.
And then at Fourteen he was gone. Leaving me with just a Polaroid camera and wilted dreams.
Amongst all my friends, I was the only one without a dream. The only one who hasn't still figured her shit out.
Karen was set for life with her rapidly growing fashion blog, Closet Chic. She was doing so well that she'd even began hosting and judging amateur fashion shows. That alone was progress.
Wande was on the right path to being the next generation's music producer, she'd harnessed the advantage of music flowing through her veins, and right after highschool, her Father had gotten her, her own record studio and now, she is on the hunt for talents.
Azra was all Medical school or nothing. The blazing fire and zeal in her to see through medical school had mine feeling like a dying candle light next to hers.
At thirteen, while I was still jumping from one pipedream to another, Kam started his first philanthropic project and ever since, he was on a roll, coming up with beautiful ideas to solve every societal problem that he could.
Then there was Brian. We were barely 18 and he already had millions to his name, from Bitcoin trading and investments and was few zeros away from being a billionaire.
And he wasn't even an adult yet.
When I thought of all these, of all the progresses my friends were making and how stagnant mine was, I felt my anxiety tripling in folds.
I didn't even know how I was going to face adulthood.
Scary and inevitable adulthood without him.
When I couldn't even control teenagehood.
But then, she'd come and offered me a business card, claiming that the random shots I took of my friends, of streets and the beach... were worth hanging up at Olive Branch gallery? When all I knew best was Instagram algorithms and the best places to party high and hard?
Me? Exhibit my amateur works at Olive branch gallery?
I was still reeling from the shock.
So bad that come the next morning, I found myself driving around the beautiful place that is Beechworth.
It's been long since I went for a drive and whenever I went, it was to have fun.
But at that moment, there was nothing enjoyable about the cool and refreshing breeze that brushed my face or the twitting birds that sang their hearts out.
Rather, all I felt was this uneasy feeling that wrapped around me like an itchy blanket.
I was stuck between wanting to cry my heart out and scream my lungs out. However, I couldn't do none of that. I was just stuck and psyched out and it sucked to be me at that moment.
And when I had enough of my pity party, I found myself reversing and taking the route back home.
However, instead of going straight home. I took a detour.
The warm scent of spice and dough teased my nose as I stood in front of Azra's house, my fidgeting hand, tugging at the strap of my messenger bag.
At least, if I couldn't talk about my problems, I thought, I would feel warmth here.
I rang the doorbell, hoping that someone else would see to the door instead of Az. Knowing her, she could sniff out that I wasn't in the best state with just a look at me.
"Oh, look who we have here!" Azra's Mum exclaimed as she set her eyes on me, leaving the door for me to step in.
"Mami!" I grinned, going in to give her a hug like I hadn't just seen her two days ago. "Assalamualaikum Mami!"
"Wa alaikum Salaam, Habibti!" She chuckled, hugging me back.
She smelt of warm and comforting natural spice, the same ones she grew around the house.
"You came early, are you here to abduct Az again?" She whispered conspiratorially, causing me to giggle.
"No, I'm here to eat your food Mami. Dreamt of them last night." I cheesed. "Had to make my way here ASAP."
She grinned, dusting her flour covered hand on her apron.
"Fine, fine. You're more than welcome anytime and you know it." She began, walking further to the hallway that led to the kitchen. "Breakfast will be ready soon. Az is-"
A loud scream slid through her speech, and in seconds, footsteps were heard running down the stairs.
"Azra! Aman! The day just broke. Behave will you!" Mami shouted, sounding exhausted.
"Mummy she started it first!" The twelve year old boy cried, entering our line of vision.
Aman was the spitting image of Azra with the exemption of her physique. He had delicate facial features and a body too big for a twelve year old.
"Shut up!" Azra shouted from her room. "Talk back at me again Aman and I'll blow your head off while you sleep and sell your body to the government!"
Mami and Aman gasped out in shock.
"See mummy-"
"Azra Alina!"
Az laughed. "Sorry Mum, but Aman been getting on my nerves since morning."
"That's a lie!" Aman protested. "She's just too wicked that's why she's still short!"
"You're lucky you're with mummy. Nitwit!" Azra screamed again from her room.
Aman stuck out his tongue, although his sister wasn't there. "Yen yen yen. You won't do anything-"
Mami heaved out a stressed sigh. Seemed like she'd had enough. "Both of you stop! One more sound and you won't be having breakfast this morning. Try me and see!"
And with that, the house was quiet once more. Aman huffed and padded back upstairs, while Az shut her room door.
Mami rolled her eyes. "They're way too dramatic. Go on up and join Az, Didi. I'll let you know when breakfast is ready.
Grinning, I nodded before going up to Az's room.
"Aman, you want to try your luck this morning, abi?" Azra growled when I entered her room.
"Leave the poor boy Az." I laughed, shutting the door close as I made my way in.
"Didi!" She groaned. "When did you get here?" She turned to face me, a small smile on her face while the slow song playing on the stereo surrounded us.
I rolled my eyes. "Right on time to see you threaten to sell your only brother's body to the government."
She shook her head, before rolling her eyes.
Outside, Az might be calm and collected. But inside her house and in the presence of Aman, she was a whole different being.
He brought out the hoodlum in her and honestly, it was always a sight to see Az lose her shit and flip out.
I guess the only thing he'd never made her do was use swear words. And I'd be damned the day she uses them.
"Leave the bloated toad. All he does is eat and mess the whole place up."
We laughed at that, while I made myself comfortable on her pastel coloured bed.
Everything about Azra's room screamed subtle maturity.
There were clustered wallpapers of Oprah Winfrey, Einstein, random chemistry theories and blown out posters of age old musicians my parents probably knew.
A full and neatly arranged bookshelf that put one in my room to shame. I bet she placed them alphabetically.
A reading table was at a corner, facing one of the windows in her room, which let in crisp morning air.
I took in a long breath. Azra's room always smelt like roses and berries. They were so soothing that you'd probably fall asleep inhaling them.
"That bloated toad will be out there breaking hearts someday Az. Don't be talking down on him."
Az tsked. "Who will be retarded enough to look at his ugly face, talk more of handing him her heart."
Laughing, I laid on my back, staring up at her cobweb free cream ceiling. "Girl, your mean ass isn't big sister material."
She grinned after rolling her eyes. "I know right. Was meant to be last born. Aman's big head popped out of nowhere and stole my right.
And to that, I laughed again. Slightly feeling distracted. My bra made breathing a little hard and the denim short hugging my waist was a little too tight to get comfortable in.
I sat up.
"Hey, you okay?" Az asked, sitting up too from where she laid on the floor.
Stilling for a second, I shrugged, before flashing her my usual cheerful smiles.
Who was I kidding. It was so Azra to gauge a person's mood without so much of a hassle.
"Why? Do I not look okay?"
"Yes. You have one of your fake smiles on Didi. What's up?"
She stared me straight in the eyes, like she was reading my mind or something. And immediately, I looked away. I didn't need no shrink. Didn't need someone to pick my brains.
I just wanted to forget I had a pathetic life and possibly, a pathetic future ahead of me.
Funny how I came to Azra's place of all places. Knowing how annoyingly observant she was.
Amongst all my friends, Azra was the only one I could freely confide in without getting judgemental responses and callous advises.
I'd say that's why she's my best friend.
While all I could talk about with Wande was boys and how hot they looked or share shopping tips with Karen and come up with a dope ass theme for one of Karen's string of parties.
Azra was my go-to girl.
I loved how she analysed situations and problems and how she gave out advise like a grown adult. She was like 17 going on 70.
If I were to tell her my problems, she wouldn't hesitate to call me to order with her signature 'it's okay, you'll get there' speech. However, that wasn't what I was aiming for at the moment.
I wanted to forget that my life sucked. And I wanted to feed till I probably dropped and Mami was the perfect person to come to.
But with the way her gaze was hot on me, I hope I'd come to the right place.
I turned to face her, avoiding her piercing gaze while I faked a yawn and a stretch.
"I don't know what you're talking about Az." I stood up and made my way to her walk-in closet.
Few seconds passed, while I stood inside the neon lit closet. Doing nothing.
"Didi..."
Her voice sounded sure and assuring.
I let out a nervous breath.
"Yes?"
"You know I'm always here in case you need someone to talk to right?"
I took in another nervous breath, before letting out a shaky chuckle. A weak attempt to brush her comment off.
"Alright Dr Phil, slow down. I know you've got me."
She kissed her teeth. "I'm not joking Didi. Although I'll prefer Oprah to Phil anytime and day."
I rolled my eyes playfully. "Whatever Oprah."
I heard her let out a breath. One of relief might I add.
A smile curved my lips. I loved it when my friends paid attention to my problems and cared for me. Although most times I didn't want to share my problems, the gesture was still heart warming.
While this battle was mine alone to fight. The gesture came a long way in helping me sort things out.
I came out seconds later, wearing a large shirt that I was sure looked better on me than on Az.
Although we were almost same height. Emphasis on the almost. Az's clothes always end up looking better on me.
I had some pretty nice curves to my small body.
I was just a few inches taller than Az and it was more like an achievement on my end.
And trust me, I always teased her.
Talk about abuse of little power.
"Well, that looks annoyingly good on you..." Azra eyed me before returning her attention to what she was more interested in.
My bag.
I raised a brow.
"You didn't come with a textbook Didi."
I rolled my eyes, coming to join her on the floor. "Who said I came to read."
That moment, a new song came on and to my better judgement, it didn't sound like one of those old ass songs she listened to.
"Nice song. Who's this?" I asked, letting the sweet Melody tease my ears before going ahead to make out the lyrics.
"Twenty one pilots." She answered non-committal, still sifting through my bad. "It's called Chlorine."
The artist was talking about drinking some purifying chemical to cleanse himself from the dark thoughts inside him. And at that moment it hit straight home, leaving goose bumps on my body at it's wake.
I loved the lyrics. I made a mental note to download it when I got home.
"Olive Branch gallery?" Azra asked. In her hand was the business card the lady left me yesterday.
And for a split second, I froze.
The universe was such a bitch. Here I was trying not to talk about yesterday, when it was in Azra's hand, staring me straight in the face.
"Isn't that Lade's father's company? How did you get it?"
I shrugged, trying my best to look and sound as nonchalant as possible. "Yes. Was asked to exhibit some of my works there. It's nothing."
Azra gaped at me like I had just told her I did drugs. "It's nothing?" She almost shouted. "You got asked to exhibit your work at Olive Branch and you're saying it's nothing? Didi, are you high on cheap drugs?"
I rolled my eyes at her theatrics, before taking the card off her hands.
I felt the cold surface of the sleek, matte card, the morning sun, casting it's rays on it.
Even the card looked like it belonged in the hands of someone of high importance.
"It's probably not a real exhibition. Just one of their pet projects that they host on a regular."
Azra glared at me. "So? Pet project or not. That shouldn't dissuade you from participating Didi. Focus on the fact that you were chosen."
"I..." I exhaled. I really didn't want to talk about it. "I just don't feel ecstatic about the whole thing Az."
Her facial features softened. "Why?"
"Because it's me Az. Things don't always work in my favour. When it looks like it does and I get too ahead of myself," I was beginning to blink back tears. God, I felt so humiliated. "It all disappears and I'm left with nothing. And I get reminded that I'm not all that. That I'm not-" worthy of anything good in his absence.
Azra's small hands wrapped around me, cutting me short.
"Shhh." She whispered, making a weak attempt to rock me, which if I was in the right mood, would look hilarious. "You're not a failure Didi. If anything, you have access to a lot of possibilities. The way you do a lot of things at the same time is envy worthy babe. You're one girl who would party all time and still maintain a solid GPA." She laughed. "Even I, can't wing that. You could be every where and nobody would fault you for being a busy-body."
This time, it was my time to laugh.
"Remember that time in SS2, when you'd promised Press, debate and drama clubs that you'd join them and when you'd showed conflict of interest, they didn't fault you. Instead they began wedging wars against each other. God, that was the most annoying and useless competition I've seen till date." Az let out a fake shudder.
I grinned, thoughts about how pathetic my life was, had already flown out the window. "Can't help it, it's the Didi effect."
Az rolled her eyes. "Was waiting for them to blacklist you from social events."
I faked a horrified gasp as I let go of her. "How could you wish such a vile thing at your best friend Az!"
That had us cracking up in fit of laughter.
"You're okay." Azra beamed with pride as she watched me.
I offered her a smile. Everyone needed an Az in their lives every once in a while.
"Thank you."
She shook her head. "Nah. That was nothing and you did good. It takes a lot for people to talk about their dark feelings and bounce back in minutes Didi. You're awesome."
"So..." I began smiling as she narrowed her eyes at me. "You think I'm awesome?"
She sighed before rolling her eyes hard. "You're not serious right now are you?"
I ignored her as I continued my teasing. " And I'm pretty sure I heard you say you envy me Az. Really, you should have just come to me to take lessons. Although it'll cost you." I was preening with my whole chest and I knew it. "It cost quite a lot to be all this." I made a motion from my head to toe.
Azra palmed her face as she slumped back on her bedstand. "Oh God. Someone gag me please!"
•••
Hi, sorry for the late update, school work and stuff kept me away.
I know that some of you might not understand what Didi is going through. And honestly, it's understandable.
Most people find it hard to totally believe in themselves, it's like a whole different version of low self-esteem. Where they have to lean on somebody in order to navigate through life and when that person is gone, it's back to square one.
These people are referred to as DIFFIDENT. Most times it, this act can be attributed to shy qualities in a person, being humble or meek... On another hand, it can be spurred by some psychological trauma or effect...
I'm going to talk about this more as this book progresses, I hope you sit tight through it all.
And with that said, I have a question for y'all.
Who do you think this 'him' Didi keeps talking about is?