by missinsertname
I remember tears streaming down your face
When I said, I'll never let you go
"Lily?"
She swallowed and turned her face away from him, blinking rapidly, defiant against weak emotion; her fiery waves whipped across her shoulders to mask the half of her face that he could see. She must be strong, for Harry's sake, and her husbands, who looked down at her sitting on their bed with a terrible mixture of sympathy and sadness on his handsome face. Lily could see him through the gaps in her hair, and longed to have him hold her and rock her while she cried; but she couldn't, she was strong, and he was hurting too, she must think of her family first.
"Lily."
This time her name was not a question with answers she did not know; it was a statement, a strong dependable statement, and she felt some of the feeling deep within her which him saying her name could still bring.
He sat down gently next to her but she kept her eyes forward to the large window which overlooked the quiet cobbles of the street. She craned her head slightly to see their elderly muggle neighbour putting out her bin. She could see the small smile which Mary always wore, even from this distance, and it cheered her ever so slightly; she knew Mary had not had an easy life, who had, but she was so content, maybe there was hope.
But she had no children.
"Listen."
She turned her head toward him, capturing his dark eyes with her startling green ones. She saw him take a sharp breath when he looked at her, and flushed involuntarily and went to turn away, but he reached over and caught the side of her face with his hand and softly brushed away the moisture there, looking at her with deep tenderness and love that caught the tears itself.
When all those shadows almost killed your light
I remember you said, Don't leave me here alone
"Do you remember the night you heard about the lives of the muggle family who lived near you being taken by the Death Eaters?"
She sighed with the memory. That marked the beginning for her, the real beginning of the war; it made her appreciate it was real, it was happening. That the girl she had gone to primary school with had lost her life at that of her entire close family, simply due to her not being magical. That day was etched on her memory, because that was when she had decided she had to stop it. She had to fight.
"How could I forget," she whispered softly. She went to turn her head away to hide her face, but James caught the other side of her face with his other hand and knelt on the floor in front of her, his fingers interlaced through her soft hair, holding her gently so her face was inches from his.
"I remember because that was the first time I truly saw you in all that you were. That was when I saw everything beautiful and terrible about being you."
She frowned, drawing back slightly.
"Terrible?" she questioned, feeling slightly hurt and confused.
"Yes. Terrible because of your incomprehensible ability to turn anger and fear into bravery. Terrible because of your self imposed chivalry. Terrible because your capacity to love is such you never think of yourself. So terrible it is stunning."
James had spoken words which had reached inside her. She felt her floodgates failing as he broke them down.
"But I can't, she wouldn't have wanted, I need to-"
"Do you remember what you said to me, when I found you in the Owlery that night?"
She swallowed, taking deep breaths, trying her utmost to look away but not being able to.
"I said 'don't leave me here alone'."
She recalled the connection which had formed that night between them as he had held her for hours as she sobbed, doing and saying nothing until she did. Lily had been embarrassed, she didn't know the extent of grief and felt like she had cheated the ones closer to her friend, but James had taken that away.
"I said that I wouldn't, didn't I?"
She lent forward again and nodded.
"Yes."
"I meant it more than anything I had said before then, and I mean it still. It kills me to see someone as pure as you has had their bright light dimmed. But I would curse myself rather than not see it, if it is you and Harry."
"Quite the poet."
They both half smiled, too experienced with grief for their years.
"I mean it. You don't have to hold back. I am here and will not, cannot, leave you, ever. Please, let me in."
But all that's dead and gone and passed tonight
He let his hands fall from her face and sat beside her, catching her fingers and lacing them between his own like he would never let them go.
"I know how much Marlene meant to you."
Lily looked at him, conveying through her tired eyes the despair at his words.
"Dumbledore said they were all outnumbered, and there are rumours You-Know-Who was there himself. No survivors to confirm it though..." Her whisper trailed off as her eyes glazed over again.
"She would have fought so hard, our Marl, all of them would." His words had the air of desperation in them.
Lily looked up at James and appreciated for the first time the hurt in his own eyes.
"I feel so awful about-"
"Why Lily it's not-?"
"The first thing I thought when I heard is it could have been you! Or Harry! And it could have been James don't you dare deny it!"
Her voice neared a pitiful shout and ended with a fresh flow of guilty tears. James had dropped his hands from her face and had been ready to fight back, but upon her flow of emotion he stopped himself. Lily felt like everything was suffocating, pressing down on her until she burst. She had been selfish beyond anything she had ever experienced and it scared her, but she couldn't deny it to herself; every second of every day she was on edge, ready for the moment to come, as it had done for her brave and skilled friend.
Her husband came closer to her as she had shifted away, and she could feel him stroking her back. Somewhere, very deep inside her, she felt the tingle she had as a teenager when he touched her.
It was gone as soon as it had come. Her head was in her hands, her hair over her face, but she heard and felt him leave the room. Maybe he thought she needed to be alone, or maybe he did. She would never admit it, but all she wanted was his arms around her again, rocking her as she cried.
Quiet noises of a small child pulled her from her reverie and she lifted her head, briefly registering the first drops of rain descending onto the windowpane.
"I thought you may need somebody a little cuter to cheer you up, I know it might be unlikely but I may have found the man."
She turned and saw her perfect son in her smiling husbands arms, the resemblance uncanny. She had often thought Harry would always be told he looked like him, not that that was a bad thing, but James was constantly showing him off as it was. She smiled as she imagined how he would look in his first year at Hogwarts, perhaps the mirror of his father as she had first met him.
"See, you already managed it son she is smiling! Remember these times, she will be on your back about homework in a few years, she was for me!"
Just close your eyes
The sun is going down
You'll be alright
No one can hurt you now
Come morning light
You and I'll be safe and sound
James was still smiling, but Lily could see that it didn't reach his eyes; she still continued to imitate him as he placed her son on her lap. She held him close, his untameable black hair waving in tufts as she rocked him slowly. His small fists reached to hold on to her red curls, and she motioned to take them off, until she realised he was not pulling on them as he had done before, he was simply holding on to her, as she to him.
James sat again beside her, but much closer, and placed one arm comfortingly around her waist, gently pulling her toward him and she obeyed the gentle instruction and leaned on him, resting her head on his shoulder, still observing her beautiful boy who had slowly fallen asleep again in her arms, his fingers still clutching a lock of her long hair.
The feeling of both of them with her, holding her, filled her heart with uncontrollable emotion which flowed gently from her emerald eyes again, facing no resistance. Harry was so innocent, James was so brave, why, why did this have to be, to haunt her every waking moment? Marlene had been the best at spells, had had the highest protection possible and had been one of the kindest people she had ever known; this was her fate.
Lily turned her head slightly to gaze at her husband; it could be theirs.
She didn't know how long they stayed there, not needing to say anything, just needing each other, but just as the rain was beating on the windows the loudest it had been all evening, Harry began to stir, and made small whimpering noises as he realised he was not in his crib. His movement pulled his parents from their blank stupor, and James moved his arm from around her so she could lift Harry up to more comfortable place, holding him to her chest, blinking rapidly to attempt to free her eyelashes of water.
"It's getting dark, why don't you put Harry back to bed and we can get some sleep?"
His voice was slightly hoarse from not talking and, she suspected, holding in his emotion, but he smiled as he kissed them both on the forehead when she had nodded.
Lily turned back as she reach the doorway, unbeknownst to James, and saw him stand at the window, his shoulders beginning to shake. Feeling intrusive, she left him to mourn, in his own way, as she knew he never wanted her to see.
"There you go my darling," she whispered, placing her baby in his cot. She supposed she should stop thinking of him as a baby, he would be one year old next week, but she still felt he was her little baby, and he could be for a while yet. Would be.
Definitely would be.
She often wondered if he sensed what was going on, how much danger his mother put him in for simply existing, let alone fighting. But she had to, they all did, so the fear that coursed through her at every raindrop that beat upon the glass would be gone for the future families, for Harry's family, for little Neville's, for everyone's.
Lily closed the curtains against the glow of the setting sun fighting through the clouds and turned back, to find him sleeping soundly already, letting out the occasional snuffle.
"I won't let anything happen to you, okay? Nothing will ever even come near you because me and Daddy will keep you safe and sound, forever, whether we are there with with you or... we will always be there."
The words had escaped her without conscience thought and they scared her as she heard them issuing from her own lips.
She was reminded of something Dumbledore had said to her what felt like a million years ago as she looked at him, which she had not understood at the time and had not thought about until now.
"Fear is not a bad thing in essentials, it is what defines us, it stands us at the crossroads between cowardice and bravery, intelligence and selfishness, and shows us more than anything other our true selves, our true qualities shining in the brightest wand-light for everyone and ourselves to see. You, Miss Evans, have reminded me of this; your fear is what defines your selfless and brave character, but do not let it do anything more than that."
She could go some way to understanding that now, although her former headmaster spoke in riddles, as she gazed lovingly at the tiny close eyelids which contained perfect copies of her own. Being scared, upset or angry isn't a bad thing, it is what she chooses to make of it, the choice between what is right and what is easy. Perhaps he meant that when news arrives to reaffirm negative feeling, they could deny it and let it turn on them, or embrace it and use it as a strength. That is what she must do.
Don't you dare look out your window
Darling, everything's on fire
The war outside our door keeps raging on
"James?" She saw him attempt to surreptitiously wipe his eyes before turning to face her, standing at the doorway. He forced yet another smile, but upon seeing her raised eyebrow he let the corners of his mouth fall, resigned to the fact she knew him too well.
"I'm sorry," she whispered softly, once again drawn to his eyes, drinking them in from across the room. She wasn't sure he was able to hear her over the water fighting against the glass next to him, but his reaction showed he had. His face of aching sadness had changed somewhat to one of confusion and disbelief.
"What for?" he spoke incredulously, but somehow just as quietly as she had.
"Not being strong. You don't need me becoming a wreck on top of the fact you are shut up in here with a baby, I shouldn't have broken down like that. I know I can't just ignore it, but what it made me think... well it doesn't help anyone."
In one swift but gentle movement, James crossed the room and caught her in his arms, holding him to her, one hand around her waist and one on the back of her head, pressing her body against him, her head on his shoulder again. She made a feeble attempt to push him away, but had to accept in turn he knew her too well, and leaned on him, hugging him back.
She felt his breath on her cheek and his hand moving her hair from her face as he softly spoke into her now exposed ear.
"Don't you dare say that ever again Lily, my Evans, Mrs Potter. I love you and I have for years, you were always the only one, it never wavered. Everything about you I love, and your emotion is part of that, don't ever apologise for it. You are my wife, and will be always, so never think you are of some inconvenience to me. You are strong, so strong, crying does not change that."
He had been slowly rocking her as he talked, and she shivered pleasantly as he said this, reminding her for the second time tonight of their teenage romance. They didn't need to kiss all the time anymore to show each other their connection, in some ways simply holding each other as they were now was more than that, so much deeper.
Reluctantly they broke apart from their comforting embrace, their fingers becoming intertwined, but Lily felt, however guiltily, slightly better.
James led her to the window and they sat facing each other on the wide ledge to watch the street. This was not a rare occurrence, she knew that when he was worried or upset he liked to watch over their magical and muggle neighbours, to feel like he was helping, like he was doing something to help like all his friends were, because no matter how often he told her he was fine, she knew his instinct was to fight, and he felt the guilt, as she did, at not being able to accompany those who he wanted to protect.
"It's weird isn't it?" James suddenly said, startling Lily somewhat after a spell of silence.
"What?"
He was still looking out onto the waterlogged streets.
"Everything is so normal. So quiet. They have no idea what's happening. I can never really decide if that is a good or bad thing."
She followed his gaze and saw it was following the efforts of two young girls to jump in every puddle on their way home, pursued by their mother who was shaking her head in mock annoyance, brightly coloured umbrellas waving above their heads in unison as they lept and shrieked in joy when they splashed each other.
"I know what you mean. Would you want to know about the war, given the choice, if you were them?"
"I don't know. But I suppose 'what if' never moves you forward."
He turned to look at her again as the two girls and their mother entered their house just down the road, and she at him.
"Listen Lily, no matter what we say to each other to make us feel better, neither of us can deny there is a war, and there have been casualties. Nothing and nobody can change that now. But there is one thing we can do for them, and that is what we are."
"Fighting," she said, a hint of her strength shining through her voice again.
"Winning."
Hold onto this lullaby
Even when the music's gone
Gone
They had been sitting there for a few minutes, but the sun setting completely sent them into darkness and made them both stir.
"I know we said we would sleep, but do you mind me putting on the radio, they are broadcasting tonight aren't they?"
Lily wanted to hear some other voices too, the silence was disconcerting as she fell asleep, so nodded. Upon her approval, James reached for the small wireless and began tapping it with his wand, attempting to find the right password.
"I think it might be something about Marlene, you know, because only the Order know what actually happened."
Marlene's death and that of her family, Lily had registered when Peter was telling her the news, had been covered up in the corrupted Ministry, something about a backfiring charm; there had been a lot of backfiring charms recently, but nobody dared to question it.
"McKinnon. Marlene. Tarnya. Emma. Backfiring charm..."
James began to list everything related to what Lily had suggested, as was the norm. She took the opportunity to go to the bathroom across the hallway and freshen up before bed. As she brushed her hair her eyes wondered to the cabinet James had joked had never been opened, which contained gifts from Lily's female friends which Lily had been to polite to tell them she didn't like, hair care potions, face creams, books of make-up charms and the like. She knelt down and opened it, noticing the creak of non-use as she did so. Inside, the most recent she could recall of the presents met her eye immediately: a bright pink potion bottle she vaguely recalled as being a very strong flowery perfume.
She lifted it out of the cupboard and closed the door, remembering who had given it to her, her best friend, last birthday. "She would have fought so hard, our Marl..."
"...and the...Moony...shortly be with..."
"It's coming on Lily!" she heard James call softly, and she quickly sprayed some of the fragrance on her neck before coming back to the bedroom, surprised at the pleasant smell.
"Always the first to judge, our Lils!" Marlene shouted over the wind and the sound of the snow, laughing as she dodged the retaliating hex, "We should go to Zonko's next.."
"...prediction for this month?" The sound of familiar voices shook her from reminiscence as she climbed underneath the covers, James joining her, his arm around her shoulders as they sat up, resting their shoulders on the headboard.
"Cloudy with a chance of Death Eaters." The statement was not said as a joke by the gruff voice, but rather seriously, darkly even, but was followed by a short bark of laughter they recognised well, and the owner began to speak slightly more cheerfully.
"Always first with the jokes our Eye." There was a short pause in which Lily guessed he had been fixed with a glare from both of his eyes that would quieten even her James.
"Ahem, well yes. We are aware we have not been able to broadcast in a while but well we are glad to inform of a notable decrease in Muggle attacks around wizard dwellings since we began patrols, and some of our more secret missions I cannot discuss have also been going well. I know that means something to some of you, but those who it does not, it is good news."
James looked down and squeezed her hand at the shake of her head at this; the werewolf conversion mission she had been against. That was the most recent argument they had had, which he had won, over whether they should encourage it or not, whether it was safe for their new recruits.
"Just a note to any Death Eaters listening, I would recommend switching off now, because it is likely we have already found you."
A quiet muffled noise of protest was quickly followed by another voice evidently trying to keep the peace.
"Erm, we are having some technical difficulties with our two guests at the moment, as Eye evidently does not appreciate jokes when it comes to CONSTANT VIGILANCE!"
The last two words were said by what sounded like several people, probably everyone there, and James shifted slightly so he could point his wand at the volume.
"I am Romulus, and that was Eye and Snuffles, for those confused. Anyone new may want to remember these names, as they are code, and even if you know us outside of PhoenixFire you must use these names when referring to this radio."
Remus went through all of the main rules about PhoenixFire like he did every time, but Lily could not fail to notice that however seemingly positive what he was saying was, his voice had an undertone of weariness and fragility. She looked up at James and saw him looking at the radio, concern lining his features for his best friend. Glancing out of the window she could just about make out the waning moon through the thick sheets of driving rain. Full moon was only two days ago.
"Now although we do aim to bring positive news about our efforts, this is war, and casualties are a devastating consequence of that-"
"Before you continue, can I just say something? Sorry Romulus."
"Go ahead Snuffles."
"I just want to say that although it is a devastating consequence, it is not a necessary one. This what we are about to tell you, and that which we have had before, and will in the future, is not right. Not worth it. Not needed. These people are fighting, but out of need. They were not soldiers, they were good people who were doing what they thought was right. These are not fatalities of war in the context most people think. They were murdered."
Sirius spoke with such conviction and seriousness Lily was dazed, and she could see James was too. She slid down the head board and lay properly in bed turned on her side. Wordlessly James hinted for her to lay her head on his lap and she did. She thought she had been prepared for this, she knew they would talk about it, they always did, but perhaps she had not, because as her husbands fingers laced their way through her hair tears threatened the corners of her eyes again.
"Early this morning, the McKinnon family lost their lives to an attack by a large group of You-Know-Who's followers." Remus continued gravely.
Lily shifted upwards so she was laying on his chest, his arms wrapped tightly around her with his chin resting comfortingly on her head.
"They were outnumbered, and fought valiantly, as those who knew them would know they would. The McKinnons were a long line of good witches and wizards, and their pure blood was never even thought of when their daughter joined our fight, followed by them. They were wonderful people, I knew Marlene, the youngest, when we went to school, and was still a close friends with her up until..." he coughed a few times before continuing, "until her last fight. So I would ask, if you can, whether you knew these people or not, to raise your wand to the skies and close your eyes while I read their names, along with several other no less important Muggle's who are no longer with us as of this month."
Without hesitation both of them raised their wands, hands shaking slightly, Lily's eyes as tightly shut as she could make them.
"Edward, Mary, Emma, Tarnya and Marlene McKinnon. Lucy, John, and their daughter Eleanor Jones. Billy, Rose, and Bethany Smith..."
His voice was rhythmic, like a awful lullaby, calm but saddened.
Suddenly it stopped and both of their drifting eyelids snapped open.
"What? Who? NO! Everyone out now. JUST GO SIRIUS! Quickly, come o-"
The connection went dead and the radio became instantly eerily quiet. After a single echoing second of silence, both of them lept out of bed and James immediately began to pace.
"What the hell was that! Do you think they are alright?"
He seemed to be speaking more to himself than her.
"It sounded like they were raided."
He was breathing heavily, and Lily knew how much self restraint it was taking him to remain standing there, not Apparating right there and then. She could see the battle behind his eyes and wished she could help, but her own burning worry for her friends clouded her already weakened sensible vision.
"Please okay, they will be in contact, it's going to be okay!"
"How the hell do you know that?" His voice was low and harsh and scared her with its disdain. She swallowed and remained quiet, fighting her eyes brimming up again.
"I'm so sorry Lily ignore me I'm just-"
"I know it's fine I-"
They were both silenced from their desperate apologies by a glistening dog which had run through the air into the room: Sirius' Patronus.
"We were warned, everyone got out, all safe. Sounds like a tip off. Don't contact yet, I will soon."
With the echoing sound of the end of the message lingering in the air, the dog faded, leaving the room to appear darker than before, but with considerably relieved spirits.
"They are all right."
He collapsed back into bed, taking off his glasses to rub his eyes. Lily stood for a moment and sat tentatively on the bed beside him, relief washing over her in waves, the terror of the last few moments still evident in her rapid heartbeat.
Just close your eyes
The sun is going down
You'll be alright
No one can hurt you now
Come morning light
You and I'll be safe and sound
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have spoken to you like that, it's just-"
"It's fine, I understand, I-"
"No it wasn't-"
"It's fine!" Her voice was kind but stern, and she knew he had to obey when she spoke like that.
"I just couldn't stand there while...no I'm sorry it doesn't matter."
He put his hands to his face again, and Lily looked down at him, his untameable hair all she could see.
"I wanted to as well, you know?"
He tensed, and Lily waited as his fingers slowly ran down his face as he rose his head to look at her. It that moment she remembered all of the reasons she had agreed to go on a date with him, all of the reasons she had wanted to marry him, all the reasons she loved him. She could see him formulating something but waited for him to express it, taking the short silence as an opportunity to study the face she loved.
"I don't mean to act like that, I want to be here, I made that choice and would do again in a heartbeat, I just... I get afraid that if you see that I miss it you will think I don't want to be here and I promise I-"
"A person can love more than one person at a time, it is possible." She could feel her signature strength returning as the rain got louder, not forced, not avoiding anything, just being his Lily.
He looked confused so she elaborated, reaching out and touching his arm as she did so.
"You want to fight James, because that is who you are, and you love your friends. I do to!" She smiled as she spoke and he looked back into her eyes.
"When this is over, when we win, your role will not be any less. You fought and beat Wolfgang Lestrange. You defended Bathilda when Bellatrix Black paid a visit! You have and are doing everything you can to bring him down."
She had come very close to him, and saw her compliments were working. There was still a slight echo of the arrogant Quidditch Captain somewhere inside who loved being told his achievements, and no matter how she occasionally chastised him for it, she often found it rather endearing.
He put his glasses back on and grasped both of her hands again tightly. They were both smiling now, and a slightly guilty calm had descended. She knew how far they had travelled tonight, and non of their tears had been a waste. Marlene would live on, and no matter how it sometimes didn't feel like it, they were both fighting, in some ways a much harder battle than a duel.
Just close your eyes
James released her hands to go to the window and pulled closed the curtains; he could have done it by magic but she saw him pause to run his eyes over the waterlogged cobbles. He returned and lay down on top of the covers, motioning her to do the same. They instinctively became close, James' arm enveloping her, facing each other.
"You always know what to say." It was a statement from him and Lily let out a minute laugh in response, still marvelling at the power he had over her.
"You always know what to do." She whispered, and he responded in the same way, proving her words by looking deeply into her eyes.
You'll be alright
They lay there for hours, a few more tears and memories were shared, bitter-sweet ones of Marlene and the time before the war, broom cupboards and pranks, teachers and the Giant Squid, everything.
Lily knew that time had ended, but they were going to create a new one for Harry, and other new happy times for themselves. She could imagine the Marauders visiting them into their 140's, all wrinkly and wise like the brilliant batty Bathilda, sharing stories and not even remembering this time, laying there with worry and sadness.
She thought they would all be alright, one day.
Come morning light,
The last thing Lily Potter recalled before her mind succumbed to sleep was the dramatic decrease in the intensity of the rain. It plodded softly now, not fighting as if to gain entry, just sliding down the window softly. It would be a bright morning, maybe for everyone.
You and I'll be safe and sound...
Three months after this night, James was wandless.
Three months after this night, Lily refused to stand aside.
Three months after this night, they won, but at a terrible price.
Three months after this night, a little boy with a lightening scar was put onto a doorstep.
They made sure he and everyone else were safe and sound.