I'm staring at the phone waiting for him to pick up. As each ring of the phone goes by I get more and more angry. Finally, on the fifth ring he picks up. "Ya Teja"
Here I am losing my mind and he's so nonchalant. "Karan that's all you have to say is 'Ya Teja'? Where are you? Mumma told me you're not here yet"
He sighs into the phone. "I promise I'm almost there."
I pull the phone away from my ear and double-check the time. "You should've been here an hour ago."
"I know but they sent me out to grab a few things"
What the hell? What am I going to do with this man? "On the day of the wedding, why did they send you to grab things? Anyone else could've gone"
"Everyone was busy and it was supposed to be a short drive but they didn't have what they needed at the store nearby so I ended up driving further away"
"Why did you even agree? Anyways leave it. How many minutes away are you?"
"Just ten minutes. Are you done getting ready?"
"I wish you were here to help but ya I'm almost done. I feel like I look a little chubby with this lengha on though. I should've watched what I ate-"
"Shut up. I know you look beautiful okay. Oh did your friends get to your suite yet?"
I look around and everyone's involved in their own conversions. "Ya they're here but it's not helping. It's so crowded and I'm starting to feel anxious."
"Shush. Take a breath and tell me what's wrong"
"I don't know. I just feel unsettled and it doesn't help knowing you're not even here yet"
He sighs into the phone again. "Teja. I told you I'm not far. I promise I'm almost there. Now for the first part, you're not going to run away from the mandap are you?"
I know he's trying to make me laugh but it doesn't help. "Ugh shut up. I just feel like nervous maybe?"
He softly explains, "That's fine then Teja. It's normal but what's to be nervous about? Everything will be alright. There are so many people here to take care of any issues. You just focus on yourself"
I let his words register and feel a little more relaxed. "Okay thank you. Come quickly"
"I promise I'm almost there. Couldn't miss my best friend's wedding."
"See you soon" and with that, I hang up. Yes, Karan Kundrra my best friend of the last five years. It's funny because the majority of those five years I imagined him to be the one I would be marrying. After years of pining over him though I realized he was never going to see me the same way. He loves me, I know that, but just not the way I need him to.
I try to not let myself get disappointed but it's hard. I built up this dream with him in my head and it's weird knowing that dream will never come true. Nothing hurts worse than unrequited love and I needed to move on from Karan. Last year I met Nikhil and he was completely different from Karan.
Nikhil was more serious and focused but I needed someone like that. He never backed away from his feelings for me and I know he loves me and I love him. Maybe not the degree to which I loved Karan but I think that was me loving enough for both of us. He ticks off all the boxes I had for my future husband: smart, grounded, dedicated, patient, calm. The perfect man. I'm happy with this, trust me.
I look over into the mirror in the vanity and feel so weird seeing this person. I'd always thought I'd be getting married someday but seeing myself ready is a different story. A tear slips out of the corner of my eye and I wipe it away promising myself that this is the last tear for today. I don't even know why I'm crying but maybe it's that I know so much is going to change. I'll be busy with my new life with my husband. Husband... that still sounds so weird to say. By the end of today, I'll be starting a new chapter.
I look over myself one more time making sure everything looks right. All this heavy jewelry isn't me but it's what everyone wanted. I lift my earrings up a little to take the pressure off for a few seconds. As I do that I focus on my lengha. It's funny because Karan and I always said I looked best in red but Nikhil's family wanted me in this light pink color. I was going to argue to change it but it doesn't really matter. If it makes them happy for me to wear this, I'm fine with it. I finally take my eyes away from myself and notice the reflection of the man leaning up against the door frame.
"Karan! You're here"
I turn around and there he is with his arms crossed over his chest. He's wearing a black tuxedo but has the blazer in his hand. Oh god, he looks so good in that white shirt. I hate him for looking so attractive. It's unfair and I shouldn't even be looking at him like that. He still hasn't said anything but won't take his eyes off of me. When I'm a foot away from him I stop.
"So how do I look" I gesture to myself and do a little spin.
His eyes look me up and down and I force the butterflies in my stomach to die down. Stop Teja. You really can't do this.
"Why are you staring at me?"
He seems to shake himself out of something and looks back at me. He smiles and laughs while saying, "Just thinking about how you do look a little chubby, just like a laddoo."
Of course, he'd try to annoy me like this on my wedding day too. I go up to him and hit his shoulder. "I hate you."
I turn around to walk away but he grabs my wrist. "No, you don't"
I pull my hand from his grip and walk backward towards the vanity. "You're right. I guess I love you" but I just wish I didn't. I take a seat by the vanity and finish putting on my bangles. In the mirror I see him sitting on the couch.
He leans back into the couch and lets out a breath. "So why were you losing your shit asking me to come"
"Well, firstly it's not like I'd get married without having you here. Second I needed your moral support. Third I wanted a guy's opinion on what to get him as a gift"
He rolls his eyes and walks over to the table with all the packed gifts. He looks over at me and asks "He gets to marry you. Isn't that enough of a gift?"
I don't let myself read into his words because I know I'm probably overthinking it. "Oye stop trying to flatter me out of having to choose"
Without even glancing at the boxes for ten seconds, he picks one up and holds it out to me. "This one"
I roll my eyes. "That's not fair you didn't even properly look"
He hands the box over to me and goes towards the couch. "Teja I cannot stress enough that he doesn't care. If that's what he cares about tonight, then you're really not going to have a fun-"
Before he can even finish that sentence I grab a pillow near me and throw it at him.
"Shut up."
He makes the motion of zipping his lips and sits back down. Not even a minute passes by before he asks "So how are you feeling now"
"Hmm better but still feels weird that everything's going to change."
"Ya you're going to be busy with... him. With your new life" He struggles to get that sentence out and I decide to let that topic go.
I make a show of looking around and ask "So you didn't bring a girl to the wedding?"
"First of all, there hasn't been a girl in like six months. Second, there's no one I would want to bring here."
"What does that mean?"
"Just that there's no one I'd be comfortable bringing here"
"But why? Our families are so welcoming."
"Teja I know that but it's just that this is different. I just don't feel like making sure someone else is fine the whole night when I have to handle mys-. Leave it. Where is everyone else?"
I decide to let the topic go but can't forget what he sounded like he was going to say. He'll have to handle his what? I need to stop trying to read into his every sentence. Anyways, I need to focus on what today is, mine and Nikhil's day. "They went to grab some food for themselves and me. They'll be back soon."
Just as I say that some of my other friends walk in and this is their first time seeing me fully ready. They come over and awe over my look. Talking about how beautiful I am and how Nikhil is going to want to faint when he sees me. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Karan's grip tighten on the pillow near him. He's not even looking at me yet I can see frown lines on his forehead. Before I even have a chance to ask if he's okay, one of my friends goes and sits next to him.
She is saying something to him but I can't hear what she's saying. All I can see is the fact that when she's talking to him she leans over and puts her hand on his knee. I think I'll have to remind myself I'm not allowed to feel anything but I don't even have to because Karan removes her hand himself. For the last six months, he's not been his usual self. The one that wouldn't leave a chance to flirt with a girl is the one pushing girls away. I mean I won't lie, the change in him is good but it's not him. Every time I've tried to talk to him, he's blown it off by saying he's just not interested in the girl or he's tired or he turns it around on me and asks why I'm so interested. Anyways I've learned to not bring up that topic.
As I'm distracted I don't notice my older relatives walk into the room until they're standing in front of me. They're all around me fixing my lengha and jewelry. One after another their comments come: "Your and Nikhil's children will be so beautiful," "What a gorgeous couple," "He's lucky to have you," "He's the right match for you," "You both are meant to be," "It's obvious how happy he makes you."
All the comments are a little overwhelming and for some reason it makes my earlier anxiety come back. Now I feel like I have to live up to all these expectations. I start to wonder why I can't bring myself to feel as confident. But I remind myself that everyone feels anxious before their wedding. This is normal. I'm fine.
One of my friends interrupts and asks, "Wait what are you going to say for your speech for Nikhil." We had both decided to do speeches before the wedding, just to have an opportunity to speak our hearts out to each other.
Karan pipes up from the couch, "Wait what speech?"
My friend sitting next to him tells him, "Basically they're just going to talk about how they fell in love, why they love each other, etc etc" Then she turns to me and asks, "So can we get a little preview?"
Everyone turns their eyes on me and I start to feel a little nervous. "Fine it's not great but I'll give you the gist. 'Nikhil you don't know what your presence has meant in my life. I love you but that doesn't define-"
I lose my train of thought as I see, from the corner of my eye, Karan leave the room. I call out to the girls sitting near him and ask them where he went. They said he didn't say but he got a call and went outside. Oh, he's probably calling work about something, I'll check in a few minutes.
I spend the next ten minutes saying a few more lines from my speech and making small talk with everyone here. They're talking to me about the wedding and yet all I can focus on is the fact that Karan is still gone. I get up and look out the doors to the room to see if he's in the hallway but he's not. Before I can leave the room my aunts pull me back. "Teja the baraat is coming soon. Stay here."
I listen and go back and sit in the room. A couple of minutes later, one of my younger cousins brings tea for me. As she's coming to me, I'm talking to my friend about the fact that Karan isn't here. My younger cousin raises her eyebrows hearing our conversation. "Teja di didn't he say something? I saw him saying bye to your parents as I was coming up."
What the hell? Why didn't he say something to me? Oh god is everything okay. I pick up my phone and call him. It rings five times before it goes to voicemail. I try again and this time on the second ring it goes to voicemail. He declined my call? Five years of friendship and he can't even bother to tell me why he has to leave. How could he even do this? I can't imagine anything that pressing that he had to leave and if there was something that important why didn't he say something. There's no point in sitting here wondering so I ask my cousin what door she saw him leaving out of and she tells me the back door.
I pick up my lengha slightly off the floor and start walking towards the door in the room. One of my aunts grabs my hand. "Teja where are you going?! They're almost here."
"I'll be right back. I need to go do something."
She doesn't let go of my hand and asks again "What is it? Tell me I'll do it."
"It's just something important I need to solve myself right now." With that I take my hand out of hers and leave the room. As I'm walking down the hallway I get questioning stares but I ignore everyone and go downstairs. The back door is right next to the stairs and I go outside to see him leaning against the wall smoking.
At the sound of the door opening he turns towards me and his eyes widen in surprise. "Teja? What are you doing here? Is everything okay?"
I roll my eyes and walk closer to where he is. "That's my question for you. Why are you leaving?"
The way his eyes move around I know he's lying when he says, "Uh Teja some work emergency came up but I'll rush back."
I tilt my head slightly and ask, "Oh really? What is this emergency?"
"It's something with a new client. You wouldn't understand?"
"You're right I don't understand so why don't you explain it. What is so urgent that you have to leave me on my wedding day?"
He drops his cigarette on the ground and puts it out. He crosses his arms over his chest and tells me, "It's hard to explain so leave it Teja. I said I'll be back soon"
At this point I start getting mad that he's avoiding the question. "Why can't you just tell me what this big issue is that you have to leave me?!"
He runs his hands through his hair out of frustration. "God Teja, you're acting like I'm leaving our wedding."
What the hell does that mean? "Huh? I'm just upset that my best friend who should be here for me today is leaving without saying a word"
"That's exactly it Teja. I'm your friend but today is all about you and Nikhil. Why don't you just focus on your soon-to-be husband?"
"What is that supposed to mean? What we don't matter to each other because I'm getting married?"
"You know that's not what I mean. You'll always matter to me"
"Same you'll always matter to me too which is why I'm concerned you're leaving. You're my best friend and I need you here"
He mumbles something under his breath but I can't hear it. "Say what you want Karan"
He closes his eyes and lets out a breath before he says, "Okay fine. Simply I can't be your friend right now. I need to leave before I say or do something that messes things up."
Hearing this I lose it and shove him back. "You fucking coward. Say what's on your mind. Stop running away from conversations."
He just turns around to leave and I grab his hand. "Just tell me what you want to say. Please just talk to me"
"Teja don't do this right now. Just go back inside and focus on your wedding."
If he's stubborn so am I. "I won't go anywhere until you tell me. Why don't you trust me enough to tell me?"
"You know what fine. If you're so desperate to hear what's on my mind, I'll tell you. I love you and not the friendship love you but the romantic one. It fucking hurts to be here and watch this. I thought I'd push it down for you but I can't. I sat there in the room barely controlling myself but when I had to hear your love letter for him I realized I couldn't stay. I can't stay here are force myself to suffer. I'm sorry I know you need me to be there as your friend right now but I need to take care of myself. That's it. Are you happy now?"
I stand there looking at him with my mouth slightly open in complete shock. Karan loves me? What is happening and why is it happening now? Of course, this happens when I was permanently going to close the chapter on me and Karan. He didn't express anything remotely similar before, hell he's never done anything to make me think that. I swallow past the lump in my throat and ask him, "When? When did this happen?"
He was looking down at the ground and hearing my question he looks up in shock. "Uh I guess a little bit after you started dating Nikhil. Even before that I'd known I liked you but I didn't want to mess up our friendship. It wasn't until you got with Nikhil that I realized how much I loved you. It hurt to see you guys together and I wanted to say something but more than that I wanted you happy. I never wanted to say anything and hurt you."
As he says that, he walks closer to me and holds my cheek in his palm but I push his hand away.
"Don't you understand I'm hurting now! Why didn't you just say something earlier?! I... I don't know." As I say this, my eyes get watery. I wanted to hear this for five years but why now? This isn't fair.
"I- Teja this was the reason I didn't want to say anything. You forced me to. I didn't say anything before because you'd seen my track record and I didn't want to completely lose you if things went wrong. Even if I did tell you what would have been the point? You were in a relationship! You were moved on from me and were happy. How could I mess that up?!"
I let out a dry laugh. "Oh wow so you knew all along that I had feelings for you. Nice Karan. Nice."
"Yes but like I said earlier I couldn't have things be messed up between us. I couldn't lose you. I was scared to take that chance. By the time I felt ready, you had moved on"
"I hate you." I turn around to leave as I know I'm about to start crying. This whole situation is so fucked up. As I take a step away, he pulls me back in and hugs me. I try to struggle out of his arms but he won't let go.
The frustration of this moment causes a few tears to leak out of my eyes. "Guess what Karan you're losing me now but forever. You were scared to take that chance earlier and now you lost yours. For four years I loved you but you never reciprocated. I finally moved on and am happy. I can't go back to someone who pines over you while you see everyone but me."
I finally push away from his arms and stand a couple of feet away from him.
He looks at me with tears in his eyes. "You can't blame me for this when you're the one who forced me to talk. I was going to let you happily move on but you forced this."
He closes the distance between us and comes close enough so he's only inches away from me. "Also don't fucking doubt my words. I didn't say anything earlier out of respect for you but if I'm saying this now I mean it. I love you Teja and I've always seen you."
I shake my head slightly and try to control my tears. "No, you don't see me because if you did you would have known how badly I needed you to say this before."
He holds my hands in his. "Teja the person I was then would've caused us to burn."
I take my hands out of his. "The person I am now doesn't have anything left to give you. It's too late."
He takes a step back and wipes a tear that fell out of his eye. He lets out a dry laugh. "We have shit timing don't we."
I take a step back too. "If only we found each other at the right time. I can't do this to him."
He smiles at me. "All I always wanted was you happy. I'd never ask you to choose. I'll still never regret loving you. Loving you has been the best thing I've done." With that, he turns around and walks away from me. Each step he takes away from me feels wrong but ultimately this is right. I can't ask him to stay and he can't ask me to leave.
I guess we were each other's right person, wrong time. Maybe if we'd both been ready at the same time things would be different. Now there's someone else in the picture. Someone who I also can't hurt. There are our families involved. Our story has the worst irony. When I was ready, he wasn't but when he is ready, I can't be.
I can't watch him walk away for a second longer and I turn to walk back to the door. My heart hurts like there is a piece missing. I don't know if what I'm doing is completely right but I just can't hurt all these people around me. They all have all these expectations and I can't let them down. Most of all I can't hurt Nikhil like this. He's shown me what it feels like to be loved and I have so much love and respect for him. Leaving him now wouldn't be fair.
So caught in between right, wrong, family, and love I make the decision to walk away from the one I dreamt of for years. I feel like from the outside looking in it's easy to judge me. 'Karan loves you and you love Karan' but it's not that easy. There are whole families, another person's future involved. Hearing Karan's 'I love you' didn't make my love for Nikhil diminish. Yes, I love Karan but I have other obligations too. If only the timing was a little earlier. I guess there's no bigger travesty in love than meeting the right person at the wrong time.
Maybe in another lifetime we'll find each other at the right time but in this one, we missed our chance. No matter how much I wish I could go back and change things, I can't. Karan and I ran the clock out on the possibility of us. Now it's time for both of us to move on to our new futures. He'll still always be such an important part of my life. He'll always be the one I turn to for advice, the one that can cheer me up, the one who knows exactly how to deal with me but that's all we can be. It's time for both of us to start our new chapters, leaving the memories of what we could have been behind.
—----end———-
or is it? pls don't kill me
love,
kriti