Roman had agreed to tell me about Louis, but just as we were going to have that conversation, Roman's mum had come home after collecting Genie from nursery, so it didn't happen right away. Genie was excited to see me and as always came running over to hug my legs. I got up off the chair I was sat on and picked her up and gave her a little spin as I said hello. She was always such a sweet little thing, and her happiness was contagious at times. Though however happy I could be at this moment, it was still hard to stop thinking about what Roman had to tell me.
But I decided that Roman didn't look too enthused about having to talk about it – it was obviously a tough subject for him – so I decided to be nice and let him off without telling me for a little bit. It could wait until after teatime, as Sofia had offered me some food, and I was pretty hungry. College had ended early today for me, around lunchtime, but with having gotten so distracted I'd completely forgot to eat anything.
"I'm not making anything fancy. Genie wanted fish fingers," explained Sofia. "Hope that's okay."
"Yeah! Of course it is. Love fish fingers," I replied before turning to Genie still in my arms as I balanced her on my hip. "Fish fingers are so yummy, aren't they?"
"Yup!" she replied enthusiastically. "Especially with baked beans!"
"Oh definitely. That's the best way to have em," I replied happily.
"Can I have my boyfriend back now?" Roman moaned to his sister. "You're hogging him."
"He's my boyfwend!" Genie contested quite seriously.
"Well, that can't be true because he only likes boys."
"Aldey, how come you only like boys? Don't you like me and mummy? We're not boys," Genie asked me shocked at the idea that I might not like her.
"Course I like you guys!" I told her.
"Romey, you lied!"
"I didn't lie. He just can't be your boyfriend because he only likes boys to have as a special friend like that," Roman tried explaining to her.
"Ooooh. Aldey only likes boy kisses," Genie concluded. I was a little worried Sofia might be mad about us talking about this kind of stuff in front of Genie but when I looked, she was busying herself in the kitchen. She could definitely hear us though, so maybe she just didn't mind.
"Yeah, exactly," Roman replied to his sister and then to me, "You should put her down now."
"No! Whyyyy?" Genie replied in anguish.
"He's hurt little one, you gotta be gentle with him," Roman told her. Did he mean my head? I was fine. It hurt, but I was fine.
"I'm fine babe. It's not too bad," I told my boyfriend.
"What if you have a concussion or something. You really shouldn't be picking anything up," Roman argued.
"Concussion? What? What happened?" Sofie interjected having overhead something she probably wasn't expecting.
"I don't have a concussion," I told everyone. "I'm fine."
"Are you sure? You're sporting a nasty little bump there," Sofia said bringing a hand gently to the side of my head where my forehead met my hairline. Great, so there was a noticeable enough bump. "Roman, what happened? I know it can't have been you, right?"
"Mum, course not. Jesus. I would never do that. I sorted it out though," Roman said.
"What, with your fist?" Sofia asked taking her son's hand when she noticed its bruising form.
"No," Roman replied snatching his hand out of her grasp. I set Genie down on the floor because she was starting to get heavy, but she didn't seem to mind and clung onto my leg. "With my foot mostly."
"Roman!" Sofia said not angrily exactly but definitely chidingly.
"I was protecting him. I don't regret it," Roman said. He was so cute. I didn't want Roman to get in trouble or anything, but I found it sweet that he didn't regret it because he was protecting me, he always seemed to be, and maybe I didn't mind being protected so much.
His mum tutted and went back to making us tea. Genie decided she couldn't sit anywhere else but on my lap as we ate, and I let her, even though Sofia and Roman both told her to not do it. She was just so cute and precious though. How could I deny her anything if all she wanted was my company?
When we finished our food, Roman stole me away to his room. Genie tried to protest but Roman got their mum to try and entertain Genie while we talked.
"Sorry about my sister," Roman began once we were in his room. "She's crazy about you."
"It's not like I mind. It's nice having two Kingsleys falling for me," I teased.
"I better be the only one you're falling for though," Roman said coming over and wrapping me up in his arms. If only he knew I'd already fallen. "Okay. I'm ready to tell you about Louis now then."
I squeezed him tight to let him know things would be okay and then we went and sat on his bed. He didn't let go off my hand and I wouldn't have let him even if he tried. I wanted to be here grounding him from whatever upsetting feelings were whirling through his head. I knew it wasn't pleasant for him, whatever had happened.
"So, yeah. Louis. We were friends," Roman began explaining. "Met in college when me and Keaton were starting our first year again, same time we met Nate, and we all became like this friendship group or whatever, like me, Nate, Keaton, Louis, and like a few other people. And yeah, so summer after we finished first year of college, we all went on this like camping trip thing together. It was our first holiday all together this big group of friends with all the girls as well.
"Louis was dating one of our friends, still is. Her name's Nia, and yeah. She was my friend too, like we were all friends. Anyway, yeah so, we were on this trip and it's late one night. Most people had gone to sleep. We'd not been like drinking or anything, but Louis and I were still up. We were kind of just chilling in front of the campfire that we hadn't put out yet."
I could tell from Roman's faraway look in his eyes that he could remember that night very vividly.
"We were just kind of sitting there talking," Roman carried on explaining. "Something about me and him always clicked. I felt as close to him as I do to Keaton. He was one of my best friends. And so, we were talking and then suddenly we're kind of just looking at each other, not saying a word. And his eyes went to my lips first, I know it did, and then he's grabbing my face and kissing me."
I don't know why I felt a spark of jealousy shoot through me. I mean I know Roman's dated and done all kinds of stuff before but somehow knowing he's done them with girls didn't make me as jealous. I think it was probably because I had always felt a lot more comfortable around girls, more safe, because guys had always done me dirty. Something about that made me feel like other girls and Roman would respect me enough to not do anything behind my back. Hearing Roman talk about a guy though, it just felt different. I still trust Roman to be loyal, but I don't trust other men I don't know, not after what so many have put me through. Logically I could understand that this made no sense and was kind of a double standard, but emotionally this is just how I felt.
"And, so yeah, that was my first kiss with a guy," Roman said. "That was when I realised I liked kissing guys, and certain feelings I'd had before started to make sense. This led me to start consciously considering that I might be bi."
I nodded showing him I understand. "And let me guess, he kissed you and then the self-loathing came in and he told everyone you kissed him?" I concluded for him. It was a classic case and it made certain things about Roman make sense like why he'd been so reluctant to tell me before about his first kiss.
"Kind of," Roman said. "We... we kind of kissed a few times. The second time it was me that went in for it, and I won't lie about that. But the third time was all him as well, cos I got nervous. And anyway, he pulled back and he just, like his face completely changed like he only just realised what happened. And then he's getting up and walking away and I go after him because obviously like I think we should talk about what happened. And he basically just says that it never should have happened, and that we should just forget about it.
"But I'm like not willing to let it go because I'm fucking confused and I don't like feeling that way and I just wanna talk things through so we can understand what's going on. That's what I kept telling him as I walked after him. And then he just turns around looks at me and tells me he'll tell everyone he didn't want to do it. Said he would tell everyone I forced myself on him if I ever said a word and I was just... That's scary you know, because I knew there would be people that would believe him over me. He was dating someone in our group of friends and most of the girls were Nia's friends more than mine and like I don't want anyone thinking I would ever do that.
"And at that point, everyone already considered me like kind of a man whore or whatever, cos I was always dating someone. I'd only broken up with who I'd been dating at the time like two weeks before the trip. I was worried people would like, think I was desperate enough to do that or something. So, I just agreed and didn't say anything, and we never talked about it, and I just got more confused as the months passed.
"And then, obviously I came out that night that I first met you and I don't even know... Maybe he thought now that I was out, I would start telling everyone about what happened that summer, but I had absolutely no plans to. He still told everyone I forced myself on him though, and then I lost like half my friends. I did find you around the same time though so that made things a little easier," Roman finished.
So many things made sense now, how Roman always said those friends of his didn't abandon him for his sexuality, for one. I always thought they had just given some excuse and he'd believed them, and it hadactually been about sexuality. And also, there would be times when Roman would overly ask for consent, not that that's a bad thing but it just made sense now.
"Did you guys still hand out 'n stuff? If it was months before he spread those lies?" I asked.
Roman shrugged. "Not like we used to. We'd be there together when we all hung out as a group or when he was invited to boys' nights 'n stuff by one of the other guys, but we weren't really friends anymore. We kinda just acted civil or whatever but it hurt every time I looked at him. Keaton confronted me about it once, said he noticed Louis and I barely talked to each other anymore. I kinda just told him that we'd drifted apart a little. I don't think he believe me, but he left it alone thankfully."
"Baby, I'm so sorry that happened to you," I said. "I hope you know that I believe you completely."
"Yeah?" Roman asked unsure of himself.
"Of course," I replied leaning my forehead against his. And then probably for the first time I saw Roman start to cry.
"I don't want anyone to think that about me. I would never hurt anyone like that," he said pain evident in his voice and his eyes.
"I know baby. I know."
"I didn't... didn't want you to think that. After stuff that's happened to you, I was scared. I didn't want you to only ever see that when you look at me," Roman said. He wiped away those few lone tears with the back on his hand and turned his face away from me to hide. But I didn't let him. I pulled his face back to me and made us look straight in each other's eyes.
"Roman, what I see when I look at you, is the one thing in the world that has made me feel truly at home again," I told him. It made him give me a small sad smile.
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
~~~~~~~~~