You have no idea. No idea what I've been dealing with. And then to see you all acting so fucking normal. It's sickening. Doesn't seem like any of you are having a hard time at all. Or did I miss the part where you've all been miserable?
*
Bakugo dropped his bag on top of one of the boxes that he'd moved from his second year dorm to his new room the weekend before. He glanced around the space. Everything was the same, the layout, the furniture, the colour of the walls, except the room was slightly larger, the bed a double and he had his own bathroom, something he'd been looking forward to since they first moved into the dorms.
Some of his class had already unpacked over the weekend, and some, like him, were leaving it to the evening of their first day. Bakugo looked over each of his boxes, trying to decided what he wanted to unpack first but nothing interested him. He thought he should at least drop his toothbrush in his bathroom and throw his bedding on before he went to sleep that night.
He slipped his toiletries bag from his duffle, unzipping the pouch as he entered his new bathroom for the first time. It was very simple and a little squished, but it was his. There was a sink immediately to the right of the door with a mirror that opened up to be a medicine cabinet, and a toilet and shower on the wall opposite the door. A towel rack hung on the wall adjacent to the shower.
He opened the medicine cabinet, filling it with the few things he used. His toothbrush and toothpaste, floss, a small bottle of mouthwash, his deodorant, cologne and a half empty tub of hair gel. Plus the mountain of supplements he took daily.
His fingers lingered on the last bottle in his toiletries pouch before he pulled it out too. A small orange bottle filled with thirty white prescription sleeping pills. He jiggled the bottle in his hand a few times, reading the instructions and warnings printed on the label. Kazuko had prescribed them to him after his first session but he hadn't used them. Yet. As shit as he was sleeping, he didn't like the idea of relying on medication. He tucked the bottle behind his cologne to keep it out of site.
After he'd stocked his bathroom with towels, he pulled new, clean bedding that he brought from home, shaking it out violently before he made his bed. The fitted sheet untucked itself every time he tried to adjust it at the corners, and he was getting dangerously close to incinerating it. Eventually, it tucked into place before he threw the rest of the bedding together.
Bakugo flopped onto his mattress, puffed and annoyed from the whole ordeal. He slid his phone out from his pocket, scrolling through notifications he didn't care to answer before he opened, closed and re-opened the same apps over and over again. He sighed as his thumb hovered over the photos icon on his home screen.
Don't do it.
He swiped to the next screen of apps, looking for anything else to occupy his attention before he swiped back. He opened photos, immediately closing it again.
You're just torturing yourself.
Bakugo locked his phone, dropping it to the side before he sighed again.
Five minutes.
...
No, dumbass.
...
One video?
...
Bad idea.
...
One photo?
...
Just-
Just that one.
"I fucking hate myself." He muttered as he eagerly grabbed his phone and unlocked it. He opened photos, scrolling to the album he labeled '☠️DON'T OPEN THIS DICKHEAD!☠️'
He'd even set himself a complex password he thought he'd forget but he'd already opened the album so many times since creating it his fingers flew across the screen as he unlocked it.
That photo was the first photo in the album. And the first photo they had together. Their first date, in front of the whale shark tank, Ren's cute flush visible in the soft blue light. And he thought there was a chance she didn't like him. Bakugo didn't mean to swipe to the next photo but of course he did, and the next, and the next until he hit a video. Once that was finished he replayed it a few times before he swiped to the next photo, and the next. As was his routine for the last three weeks since he'd seen Ren.
"Where are you, Freckles...?"
He curled up onto his side as he played through his happy memories. Videos of him annoying Ren and making her laugh, photos of them cuddled together in bed or unflattering ones that made him chuckle. The only ones he couldn't look at were from that day. Bakugo ignored every message that popped up as he looped through the album, losing track of time quickly in his little bubble of happiness.
A knock at his door finally brought him back to reality. He glanced up from his phone, realising his room had grown completely dark and a chilly breeze was coming through the window.
"Bakugoooo~" It was Ashido on the other side of the door. "It's the last ever dorm competition~!" She sang through the wood and he immediately began grinding his teeth.
"C'mon! It's our last year, show us!"
"Yeah, Bakugo!"
"Let's see it!"
Bakugo rolled off of his bed, stomping to his door irritably before he wrenched it open. His classmates stood on the other side, eyes wide and unexpected to actually see him. He didn't say anything as he flicked his bedroom light on, still staring at his classmates with a foul scowl.
"Go wild." He muttered through clenched teeth as he stepped to the side, his door wide open for them to enter.
"A-are you sure?" Ashido asked and he rolled his eyes before he went to shut the door. "Okay, okay! We're comin' in!" She halted his door as it came swinging towards her. "T-thank you."
His class filtered in, entering and exiting so there were around five people in his room at a time. Bakugo leant back against his desk, scowling at anyone who gave him a quizzical look.
"No offence Bakugo, but is this it?" Tsu croaked as she placed a finger against her chin.
"Yeeeeaaaah, Ei said your room was way cooler than this." Ashido mumbled in agreement, placing her hands on her hips and staring Bakugo down.
Ei, aye?
Bakugo rolled his eyes, vision landing on Kirishima poking through the small crowd, grimacing uncomfortably.
"This is the third year you guys have harassed me to see my room, and now it's not good enough?"
"We just thought you would've unpacked by now." Ashido mumbled. "Kinda a let down."
"Then get the fuck out of my room." He tilted his head to the door. "I don't owe any of you shit."
Ashido opened her mouth to retaliate but she paused, turning to Kirishima for reassurance but he shook his head. She clicked her tongue.
"Whatever, man." Ashido muttered as she led the small group that occupied his space out of his room.
Bakugo slammed the door behind them, flicking his light off before he dropped onto his bed in a huff. He heard their voices echoing through the hall, some mentioning he overreacted and others brushing it off saying 'looks like he's back to his old self'.
He threw a pillow over his head when he heard the class cheering and laughing in Kirishima's room. Their dumb comments about his relationship with Ashido grating at his already fried nerves and making the little green jealously monster leap in his brain.
The first few weeks passed as if the days were drifting in front of his eyes. His brain switched off entirely during classes, and he could never remember how his books were filled with notes or how he could get through his homework when he remembered nothing from the day. His work stayed consistent and he kicked ass during training more than before now that he'd entirely lost the need for a filter or reason to hold back.
He took to grabbing lunch before everyone else could line up, and eating somewhere alone on the school grounds. He ensured he was the first one out of the door in the mornings but the last one into the classroom, and in the afternoons he made sure he rocketed to the dorms to get peace and quiet alone. Bakugo would sleep after classes finished until 9 or 10 at night when he'd wake up in a cold sweat from the dreaded and all too familiar nightly nightmare.
After that he couldn't get back to sleep so he would do everything else while the others slept. It was easy for him to get to the gym when no one else was around, and his breakfasts and dinners usually occurred at some weird hour.
Bakugo had become such a sleepless night-owl that he'd occasionally catch Aizawa getting home from late-night hero runs. Their teacher only spotted him once, giving him a tired eyebrow raise before he stepped through the dark to their dimly lit dorm kitchen.
"Why are you up?" He asked plainly, eyeing the concoction Bakugo had made for a really late dinner, or maybe a really early breakfast.
"I don't sleep anymore." Bakugo mumbled back plainly as he took a spoonful of whatever it was he was eating.
"Yeah." Aizawa nodded as he slipped his scarf off of his shoulders. As little as he cared for their personal lives, he wasn't dense, and he didn't need to ask what was on Bakugo's mind. "Me neither, kid."
He rolled out his neck as he left Bakugo standing in the kitchen. He knew nothing he could say would make him feel better, so why try force a false comfort?
"Does it get easier?" Bakugo called out. "Losing people?"
Aizawa froze.
"No." He glanced back at Bakugo over his shoulder. "But you learn to expect it."
*
The night before one of his sessions with Doctor Kazuko, Bakugo happened to make an appearance downstairs while everyone was still up. He'd woken up a lot earlier and a lot hungrier than the nights before, and he decided to grace everyone with his brief presence before he ignored them to get a meal.
He rubbed his eyes as he dropped down the steps, groaning when he heard his classmates conversing nearby.
"I don't understand why he's in such a bad mood." He heard Iida speaking and it made him pause before he appeared in their line of sight.
"You don't understand, really?" Jiro mumbled back.
"You mean THAT?"
"Of course it's because of that!" Uraraka piped in.
"Surely he'd be over it by now? They'd only been dating for a couple of months and it's high school. They probably would've broken up by now anyway."
"Iida!"
Bakugo didn't stay long enough to hear the rest of the conversation. His appetite had been replaced by nausea and silent rage. He bolted back up the stairs before he could catch sight of anyone, because he knew he'd deck someone if he did.
He slept less than usual that night. The hunger pangs and irritation in his stomach constantly swirling and keeping his body from resting. He contemplated popping one of Kazuko's sleeping pills, coming as close as pulling the bottle from the cabinet and jiggling a single pill out before his stubbornness took back over and made him stop.
When morning came, his already sour mood from having his regular session rescheduled to a different day was worsened by his less than usual sleep. Bakugo didn't care that he was leaving far too early for his appointment when he opened his door, he just wanted to get out.
"H-hey man." Kirishima mumbled out as he let his hand drop from about to knock on his door.
"Oh. Hey." Bakugo mumbled back plainly. His eyes darted past Kirishima. "I'm on my way out so-"
"Are you avoiding me?"
"What? No." Bakugo answered quickly. Too quickly.
"Really?" Kirishima shifted his weight between his left and right. "Cause this is like, the first time we've spoken since- Since I talked to you through a door."
"Maybe it's cause you're too busy with your new girlfriend." The words fell from his mouth before his brain could stop them.
"Kats..." His friend sighed.
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"Well, you didn't tell me..." Kirishima shrugged.
"So, it was like, payback? Because I didn't tell you I was sleeping with Ren?"
"No, I-" Kirishima let out an exasperated sigh as he ran his hands over his face. "Look, it had been kinda in the works since the school dance." He explained as his hands travelled into running through his hair. "And with everything that went on before the break, and in the break, it kinda just- Happened."
"And-" Kirishima stretched his neck awkwardly, contemplating whether or not to say what he wanted to say. "You... Hadn't exactly... Been around... To tell..."
"Oh yeah. I wonder why that was." Bakugo said plainly, his jaw tightening.
Kirishima took a deep breath, calming his nerves and thinking through every word. "Look, I know it's been hard-"
"Hard?" Bakugo snorted. "You have no idea. No idea what I've been dealing with. And then to see you all acting so fucking normal. It's sickening. Doesn't seem like any of you are having a hard time at all. Or did I miss the part where you've all been miserable?"
"What do you want me to say, man?" The redhead sighed. "If I say we're all struggling, you'll say it's a lie. If I say we're just trying to move on, you'll bitch. What do you want from me, man?"
"I want you to get out of my way." Bakugo muttered acidly as his eyes darkened but Kirishima stayed firm.
"Why? Where are you going?"
"That's none of your damn business."
"Bakugo, don't you think we should talk about this? Don't you want to talk about this?" Kirishima took a step forward.
"No. I want you to get out of my way." Bakugo shoved past him, pushing Kirishima's chest so he stumbled back and into the corridor.
Kirishima quickly steadied himself, trying to grab at the back of Bakugo's shirt as he darted past him. His fist clenched over nothingness and he felt a punch of failure hit him straight in the gut. Bakugo didn't look back at him as he slouched down the hallway, cursing under his breath.
"How the hell am I meant to know what you've been dealing with if you won't tell me?"
Bakugo froze. He could feel his friends pained expression staring at the back of his head. He glanced behind him, voice cracking as he spoke.
"I'm going to therapy, Ei."
*
"Hi Katsuki-"
"Hey." Bakugo muttered to the receptionist at Kazuko's office as he entered through the sleek glass door. "Sorry I'm so early."
"I'm sorry too!" The receptionist said with a head tilt. "Unfortunately, the Doctor is running behind this morning."
"How behind?" Bakugo groaned as leant against the counter.
"An hour." She grimaced and Bakugo groaned again. "You're welcome to wait here or if you want to go, I can give you a call 10 minutes before you go in."
"Aaaah!" He rubbed the back of his neck. "It's cool, I'll wait here. Just wake me up if I pass out."
The receptionist chuckled. "Will do."
Bakugo plopped onto one of the waiting chairs, tapping his legs a few times as he looked around the room, ignoring the other person who was waiting to go in before him. After 30 seconds or so, he leant forward to flick through the magazines that hadn't been replaced since he first started coming to sessions several weeks back. He sighed as he picked a random magazine. He was already half an hour early, now his session was delayed an hour, and within the first 5 minutes of waiting he was already bored.
Kazuko's door opened once he'd finished the magazine, and the patient before the patient before him exited quietly. He flipped through the magazines again when he heard Kazuko welcome the person before him in, but didn't choose another to read and instead opted to find something to occupy him on his phone. Bakugo always hated waiting rooms and was beginning to regret not opting to leave when he had the chance.
At some point during his never ending boredom, the glass door into the practice swung open, and the person after him entered. He paid little to no attention to their arrival, not sparing the entrance a glance as he half listened to the receptionist explain the same thing she'd done for him earlier. Only this time he hoped the person decided to leave on the off chance they tried to talk to him. But they didn't, and Bakugo glanced up as he heard the shuffling of their feet come to a halt at the waiting area.
"Oh you've got to be shitting me." Bakugo grumbled as his head dropped back against the wall. "First you gotta be into the same girl as me, now you use the same therapist?!"
Todoroki rolled his eyes before he took the seat furthest from Bakugo.
"I've been coming here since I was nine and I'm pretty sure I liked Ren first."
"I very much doubt that." Bakugo muttered before he returned his gaze to intently stare at his phone.
Todoroki went through the same magazine rifling routine as Bakugo did earlier as he tried to find something to occupy his time.
"I haven't seen you here before." Todoroki said to him after the magazines failed to capture his attention.
"Don't usually come on a Saturday." Bakugo mumbled back without looking up from his phone. "Rescheduled appointment."
"Oh." Todoroki nodded. "When do you usually-"
"We don't have to talk." Bakugo cut him off, glancing up from his phone and snarling slightly. "Like every interaction I have with you, we can just pretend this isn't happening. I'm gonna go back to ignoring you now."
Todoroki rolled his eyes again before he too pulled his phone out. Bakugo glanced over at him when his attention was on his phone, failing to not be interested in what he'd said earlier.
"Since you were nine, really?"
"Yeah."
"Hm."
They both returned to their phones.
"K-Kazuko must be tired of hearing about Ren, huh?"
Bakugo glanced at him again, deadpan stare scarier than his snarl.
"Sorry."
Todoroki looked at his phone again, staring at nothing in particular as long as it wasn't Bakugo's blank expression.
"Why did you like her?" Bakugo asked, his voice trailing quieter with every word, like he regretted saying it as soon as the words came out.
Todoroki leant back in his chair, pushing his two-toned hair back as he let out a sigh that sounded like he'd been holding it in for months.
"Probably the same reason you did at first." His mismatched eyes flicked to Bakugo. "She's hot."
Bakugo surprised himself when he chuckled instead of throwing something at Todoroki.
"You of all people know, she's smart and funny, caring. We had a lot in common." He smirked to himself when Ren's voice echoed in his head.
Mutual daddy issues.
"And I guess I admired her." He glanced at Bakugo. "To have been through what she did and still turn out... Good."
Bakugo pursed his lips. "Did she though?"
Their conversation was cut short when Kazuko's door swung open and the patient before Bakugo stepped out. He closed the door behind him gently, giving the boys in the waiting room a quick nod before he headed for the exit.
"This stays between us." Bakugo muttered to Todoroki as he shoved his phone into his pocket.
"Like every interaction you have with me, right?" Todoroki asked as Kazuko's door opened again. "Pretend it never happened."
"Right."
"I'm sorry about the wait, Katsuki." Doctor Kazuko said to Bakugo as she shut the door behind him.
"It's okay. These things happen, right?" He mumbled as he flopped into the same spot he occupied weekly on the leather sofa.
"Hm." She nodded as she settled into her seat across from his.
"I didn't know you saw Shoto Todoroki."
"I can't divulge that kind of information. Even if you are friends." She said calmly as she nodded at the door.
"I wouldn't say we're friends." He rolled his eyes. "But I guess that means you'd heard about Ren before you met me?"
"Again, I can't divulge that kind of information." Kazuko reached for her notebook on the coffee table and flicked through a few pages. "But let's talk about you, Katsuki. How has your week been?"
"Same as they have been every week, I guess."
"Should we start with a win?"
He groaned.
"I- I dunno." He could never think of anything. He won everything but those weren't the "wins" Kazuko was after. "The Sports Festival is next week."
"Something to look forward to?"
"Sure." He shrugged.
"How was sleep this week?"
He shrugged again and she furrowed her brows a little.
"Have you tried any of the meditation techniques we talked about in our last session?"
He nodded, his head dropping in defeat.
"I tried, two or three times actually, but I couldn't get my brain to shut down. And when it did and I did go to sleep the nightmares were worse. Its like my mind was taking advantage of itself."
"Have you talked to your friend?" She flipped back a page or two. "Eijiro, I think you said his name was."
Bakugo's mouth fell flat in a line.
"I'll take that as a no?"
"No we," He swallowed uncomfortably. "Briefly chatted this morning. It didn't go very well. He has a girlfriend." Bakugo's eyes dropped to his lap. "They got together in the summer break I- I haven't really spoken to him at all because of it."
"Do you have an issue with their relationship?"
"No, it's just-" Bakugo ran his hands through his messy mop of hair as he sighed.
"Is the girlfriend someone you don't like?"
"No, I like her. She's my friend."
"Is that the problem? A change in group dynamic?"
"I wouldn't know, I haven't really hung out with my group."
"Will your friend no longer make time for you?"
"It's not the relationship that's the problem." He flopped his hands into his lap, exasperated. "I'm happy for them. He's been into her forever and she's cool, like I said, she's a friend, but it's the timing."
"The timing?"
"It's so normal." Bakugo spat out. "Like, their lives just went on like nothing ever happened."
"Sometimes a traumatic event can bring people together." Kazuko explained casually. "They're reminded of how little time we actually have and decide to go for the things they've always wanted."
"It just feels unfair." He plopped his head back into the couch. "Like, they say they're hurting too but they're acting like it never happened. God, the only person who's been acting what I would consider to be a reasonable reaction is that tool out there." He nodded at the door. "But he's naturally angsty so it's his normal. And the only reason he's feeling this way is cause he wanted to fuck my girlfriend."
Bakugo let out a groan as he pinched the bridge of his nose.
"Sorry." He took a deep, ragged breath as he tried to calm his nerves. "I heard them taking last night. My classmates. They think I'm overreacting and that I should be over it. Do you think I'm overreacting? Do you think I should be over it by now?"
"It doesn't matter what I think, Katsuki."
"But you're the professional, please, just- tell me what you think."
Kazuko grimaced.
"I think you're very hurt, and that's okay. Maybe it will take some time for you to heal, and that's okay too. You're going to feel judged for feeling the way you do and you're going to judge others for the way they feel, it's okay. There's nothing abnormal about the way you're feeling. I think you're frustrated because you want to know your friends are as hurt as you are because it'll make you feel less alone in your hurt."
Kazuko paused for a moment, taking a second to stare at Bakugo's tired and blank expression.
"And I think you're scared."
"Scared?" The word hitched in his throat. "You know I'm terrified."
"Not because of your feelings for Ren. Well, yes because of that but, I think you're scared you'll lose him too. Your friend."
Bakugo gulped.
"You talk about Ren like she's the most important person in the world to you, and I'm sure that right now she is, but the only other person you've spoken as highly about is Eijiro. I think while you're as hurt as you are, you want and need the person who means that much to you. But it appears as though he has moved on and he's enjoying his time with a new partner.
I think you're scared that the way you've been acting due to your hurt will drive a wedge between you, and I think you feel it's something that can't be helped. On top of that I think you're scared that the time you would have had to confide in your friend has been minimised, and so you're choosing to push him away to protect yourself. I think now that you feel you've lost the most important person to you, you're afraid of watching the same thing happen to you and your best friend. And I think you think it's entirely out of your control. That's what I think."
His lips parted as he went to say something but no words came out.
"Do you think I'm wrong?"
*