Shae hurried down the winding corridors of the Castle of Messina. The building was nearly as old as the island, having been built at the start of the First Age, shortly after the Battle of the Gods. For some unimaginable reason, architects of the time had been fond of long hallways that never seemed to end. Wanting to see Mio after so long away from him, they appeared longer than ever as she turned down another set of corridors.
After the occupation of Messina by the Dark Disciple Deva, the castle had been raided of most valuable items, and even now, four years later, the walls were mostly bare. They were slowly gathering new art and items sent by the kingdoms of Erya as signs of their support, but it was an enormous castle and it would take time before it felt remotely like a home. The first year of her living there, it had felt more like a prison. That had changed with the arrival of Mio when she had resolved to make a home for her son.
Taking another turn, she nodded to the two King's Guards standing sentinel by the entrance to the private quarters of the royal family.
"Dorn. Roran." She had learned the names of all the King's Guards early. The men responsible for the safety of her family—and, most importantly—of Mio, deserved the simple courtesy. "Is my son in his chambers?"
The guards bowed as low as their silver-coloured armours allowed.
"Your Majesty," dark-haired Dorn said. "We are happy to see you have returned safely. Prince Mio is indeed in his chambers."
"Thank you." With a brief smile, she continued down the hallway towards Mio's chambers.
The royal quarters had been one of the areas first rebuilt and refurbished, second only to the Great Hall. Rich tapestries with the High King's silver and green colours adorned the walls, which had been scrubbed to remove any signs of smoke or soot from when the Dark God's zealots had burned the previous ones.
Passing the door leading to the drawing room she shared with Felix, she continued to the end of the hall where an oak door stood open. Peeking inside, she caught sight of the auburn mop of hair belonging to her son. He might have her hair colour, but he had Felix's unruly hair that a comb could never quite tame.
As if he sensed her presence, the two-year-old looked up from the piece of parchment his nanny was letting him mark with watercolours. His green eyes—so like his fathers—widened as he caught sight of her.
"Mummy!" Standing up, he bounded over to her and threw himself in her arms as she crouched down to catch him. "You home!"
"I am." She hugged his little body close and had to fight back a few tears. She had not expected to feel so emotional seeing him again.
"Your Majesty!" Mio's nanny, Marya, rushed over. "Please take care. The prince is getting watercolours all over you."
"That is all right." Shae smiled, and holding Mio out in front of her, she inspected his beloved features. They were the same, and yet it felt like he had grown in the short weeks she'd been away from him. "How did you get so big?"
"I grow!" He beamed.
"You certainly do." She gave him a kiss and reluctantly let him back down to watch him toddle back to his parchment and colours. Without leaving him with her eyes, she asked, "How has he been, Marya?"
"Good, Your Majesty. He has missed you, of course. But he's been ever so good."
Unwilling to leave, Shae found a chair and sat down. "I hope you won't mind if I stay here?"
"Not at all, Your Majesty." Marya curtsied before returning to help Mio with his watercolours.
Shae watched for a moment before walking over to sit down on the floor to join in. The nannies always gave her the side-eye as she did, and she supposed it wasn't the most regal thing to do, but she enjoyed spending time with her son. And after having been away for so long, there was no way she was leaving him for quite some time.
Which was where Felix found her several hours later, sitting by Mio's bedside, watching him sleep. If her presence surprised him, his face didn't betray it.
"I really had hoped to make it up here before he fell asleep." He sighed. Leaning down, he placed a kiss on their son's head. "Everyone wanted to speak to me about the attack. About the Championship Games. About everything."
He let out a frustrated huff. "You'd think a group of twelve men could manage a few weeks without me, but somehow they always end up bickering when I am not here."
"Perhaps you're a calming presence," she suggested with a smile.
"Me?" He raised an eyebrow. "It beggars belief."
"Well, your presence obviously does something."
He chuckled quietly. "I give them a common enemy."
"You're serving your purpose."
Giving her a quick glance, his lips twitched. "I am here to serve. Are you tired?"
She was exhausted to the point she wasn't sure she could move. Their last week of travel had been tiring in a way she was no longer used to. She nodded, and he held a hand out. After a moment's hesitation, she placed her hand in his. His grip was strong and warm, just like he always was. Helping her up from the stool next to Mio's bed, he put her hand on his arm and escorted her back to their quarters.
They shared a drawing room with their bedchambers on opposite sides behind solid oak doors. Their shared space had a table and comfortable chairs, a wall of bookcases and a fireplace, but they rarely spent time there. At least not together. Shae often spent her evenings reading in one of the comfortable chairs if she didn't feel like retiring to her bedchamber. As Felix often stayed late with his council members, he rarely bothered her. He hesitated as they reached the drawing room.
"Would you like to share a drink before bed?" he asked.
Stepping away, she played with the end of her braid—a remnant of their days on the road as she had not yet changed out of the commoner's clothing either. She needed a bath as well, but it would have to wait until the next day. Watching Felix—who also still wore his common clothes—she hesitated. They had just spent over a week alone on the road together, and had become quite friendly... but somehow, being back in the castle, things felt different. This was their old haunting ground, and there were specific ways they behaved here. She wasn't sure she was ready to change it.
Finally, she nodded. "One drink," she said. "Then I must sleep."
Felix flashed her a quick smile, and she got the distinct impression that he had expected her to decline. He walked over to a cupboard and found a bottle of wine and two glasses. Pouring two drinks, he brought them back and gave her one. Holding his glass out, he winked. "To being home."
Nudging her glass to his, she smiled faintly. "To being home."
After taking a sip of his wine, Felix motioned to the comfortable chairs by the fireplace and they sat down in them, staring into the burning fire. The wine was good quality, and she found herself feeling rather drowsy as she watched the flames of the fire licking the grate.
"Any news of Castel and the others?" she asked.
"The council have received a message by owl," Felix said, making her sit up straighter in her chair. "It didn't say much, as I imagine they didn't want to give too much away if it was intercepted by whoever attacked us, but it was signed by Cas."
She breathed out a sigh of relief. Her friend was alive.
"Thank the Gods," she mumbled before taking another sip of her wine.
When she had first come to the castle as Felix's bride, she had kept to herself, only engaging with her absurd number of ladies-in-waiting when she absolutely had to, and Cas had been a silent constant in her dreary life. As the Commander of the King's Guard, he was in charge of their safety, and he took his duty seriously. He might be one of the most dutiful people she had ever met, always careful not to overstep his bounds. But eventually, they had begun talking. Like her, he was originally from Adreas.
They had shared stories of the kingdom they grew up in. He said nothing about her marriage to Felix or the fact that she was obviously unhappy, but when she had been expecting Mio and unable to stomach much other than fruits, she had found some Adrean peaches in her room. Cas had remembered it was her favourite, and she would forever be grateful for his friendship. Or as close to a friendship as they could have with her being a queen and he her knight.
"You and Cas are close." It wasn't really a question. She looked up to see Felix watching her thoughtfully over the rim of his glass.
"He's the closest thing I have to a friend here," she admitted. "And he's from Adreas as well."
"Did you know him in Adreas?"
She shook her head. "No. His family are commoners. Farmers, I believe. And even so, I think he left to train as a Sentinel in Highglaive at an early age."
"Ah yes. He was a Sentinel before I took him on as a King's guard." Felix watched her, his expression unreadable. "He was integral to helping us retake Messina. A good man."
"He's a very good man." She took another sip of her wine, unable to quite escape the feeling that her husband wanted to ask something but held back.
"Do you..." He ran a hand through his golden hair, mussing it up. "Do you like it here?"
The question surprised her. It wasn't what she had expected. Looking into her glass thoughtfully, she pondered her answer. "I don't dislike it here," she said slowly.
Truth was, she'd always felt out of place. And lonely. Always lonely. The castle was never empty, and she was only ever alone when in her chambers, but she struggled to feel at home. It had got better with Mio. He made her feel grounded. Like she had a place in the world. But there was still a distance between her and everyone else. She was the High Queen of Erya and everyone deferred to her. She was untouchable. Unapproachable. No one dared to get too close. Or maybe she did not allow them to.
Perhaps the walls she had built around herself to protect her heart from Felix had spilt into the rest of her relations. Possibly, the walls even predated her husband. After her mother and younger brother had been brutally murdered in the attack on her home, she struggled to feel for anyone. Didn't want to feel anything. It had been the worst night of her life and she had lost so much. She wasn't sure she could handle losing anything else.
Acrid smoke stung her nostrils, and she closed her eyes for a moment, forcing the memories back into the deepest recesses of her mind. Shouting. Screaming. The muffled sounds of fighting through her bedroom door. Running through the castle with her bow and arrow in only her nightgown. Her mother and brother's lifeless bodies on the floor. Blood. So much blood...
"Shae?" Felix's soft voice brought her back from her nightmares. "You disappeared for a moment."
"I beg your pardon." She gulped down the rest of her wine and stood. "I believe I shall retire for the night."
"Oh. Right." He stood as well. "If I said anything inappropriate, I'm sorry... I—"
"No." Flashing him a quick smile to reassure him, she moved towards her door. "I am simply tired."
Felix followed and for a moment she wondered if he wanted to join her, but he stopped in front of her and put a gentle hand on her arm. "Are you all right?"
Blinking back the sudden burning behind her eyelids, she nodded. "Yes. I will be once I've had some sleep."
"Of course. You must be exhausted." He gave her a lopsided smile that looked oddly sad and dropped his hand to his side. "Good night, Shae."
"Good night." Without another word, she entered her bedchamber and closed the connecting door behind her. Leaning her back against the door, she tilted her head back and took a deep breath. Then another.
Memories of the attack on Cyrene threatened to overwhelm her, and she was too tired to stop them like she normally could. Sinking to the floor, she pulled her legs up to her chest and rested her head on her knees. She never wanted to return to the screaming pit of grief and despair where she had resided after her escape from the attack. Never wanted to love someone enough to risk losing them and feeling that way. It was already too late where Mio was concerned—not loving her son was impossible—but she would have to reinforce her defences against Felix.
Her time alone with him had left cracks in her carefully constructed dam, and now she seemed unable to keep the feelings from seeping through. She could not afford to get too close to him. Because she knew he would end up hurting her. He may not mean to. May not even realise. But he would. How could he not?
~~~~~~