ZILLIAH hadn't went back 'home' for the Christmas holidays. Her family hadn't asked her to, and she never found the will to go on her own. So she stayed back at Hogwarts, burying her nose into all the books she could find while battling with the loss in her life and the weight upon the mind.
Winter snow falls outside, the lake frozen.
She still doesn't understand why grief affects her so- with much more intensity, it seems. She had even seen Harry laughing around a lot. Harry.
Guess, she just has a crueler sea than most, the waves drowning out every last bit of positivity in her life.
Sirius' loss- it had stripped her battered soul bare out into the open. And all she could do was to try and hide it behind false walls.
And that facade was the anger at Draco, who could possibly be the only thing on the phase of this earth that could offer her any true comfort, which is exactly why she had been determined on keeping away from him at all costs. She had felt as if she didn't deserve it. She even does now. But after seeing him like that.. no. She has set her mind.
No more facades. No more running away.
Bare her soul out to the world to see and let them mock her for all eternity- she doesn't care. Because after seeing Draco so shattered, she had understood what treachery it was that she was doing. To his heart and her own.
And that's why she had apologized. That's why she had tried to make things right.
But something else came in the way.
Something else always does.
"You had no right", Zilliah had hissed straight at Severus' monotone face, her index finger pressed against his chest accusingly. "You had no fucking right-"
"Language."
"-to do that, you understand me?"
"I don't know what you're talking about", he had drawled back, the curve of his lips pulling up minutely. He didn't even try to be convincing.
"Oh, please. I'm not a fucking fool."
"Yes, you are. Or you'd be keeping away from Malfoy at all costs anyway, and-" A hand raising to silence her as she had opened her mouth to speak, "you don't have to add explicit terms to every single sentence you speak, do you understand that?", he had spoken irritatingly soft, placing that hand on her shoulders and pushing her a couple of steps back gently. "Leave because I really do not know what you're talking of."
"Do not play with me, Severus. It's only after you had came in-"
"I have papers to grade", he had intervened as if he was bored, already making his way back to the table.
Nothing could move this man's brick of a mind. Nothing. "I know it's you", she had settled onto saying, calming the rising rage. "But nevermind that. From now on, I hope you stay away from between us, Severus. I really hope you do. Because I'd hate to see you hurt."
It had shocked Severus- what the fuck, it had even shocked her own self. The rawness and sincerity of her words, she has never before spoke with such.
She had caught the momentary fear and concern that had passed through Severus' well masked features before she turned around and left.
He was indeed afraid of her. Of what she could do.
She can't decide if that's a good thing or a bad thing.
Even after days, she still can't seem to decide if that's a good thing or a bad thing
But she sidles closer to the window and watches on, her eyes unfocused and her mind buzzing- her side empty, her heart cold.
That's how Zilliah spends her Christmas night.
-
She hears Blaise letting himself in.
"Hey", she mumbles, her eyes never leaving the copy of 'The Magic of You' by Johanna Lindsey as she sits cross legged on her bed, her back against the wall, in a white sweatshirt and blue jeans.
"Hey", Blaise mumbles back as he closes the door and walks upto her. "You've got quite the ear, birthday girl."
Her eyes instantly shoot up to him, dressed in a black jacket over white crewneck t-shirt and black pants, smiling at her, his strong perfume scent enveloping the air around them. "How'd you know it's my birthday?", she squints in question at him. "And for the love of Merlin, stop using that musky scent. It's killing my mind."
He chuckles, his smile widening as he sits down in bed and sidles closer to her, his back against the wall just like her's but his legs stretched out and hanging out of the length of the small bed. "You're too short."
"Oh, fuck off", she scowls in his face, nudging him with her elbows. "I'm actually tall enough. It's just that the three of you are human towers."
"You can say that now", he muses, looking at her with much warmth. "But-", he intervenes as she starts to speak, "nevermind that, Happy Birthday, darling."
Zilliah sighs and presses a hand to her forehead. "Thanks, Blaise."
"Oh, how overjoyed are you!"
She nudges him again, a small smile creeping into her features.
"Come on, it's your birthday for god's sake. You can smile a little wider."
She lets out a chuckle at it and widens her smile for his sake.
"That's it", he beams upon it.
But Zilliah could feel no real joy. Not on her birthday. Today, there was no reason to celebrate and every reason to mourn.
"Anyway, I got you something", Blaise's words pull her back out of her head. He slips his hand into the left pocket of his jacket, seeming to search through a bundle of stuff.
"You know, it's really unfair", she lets out a groan, snapping the book shut and placing it aside.
"What is?", he asks, still searching with his hands but his eyes fixed on her face.
"Men's clothing. You guys get these huge pockets which is honestly a fucking kangaroo pouch. And then there is ours. Even fitting a baby fist into it is a job in itself. That is, if there is a pocket at all."
He laughs softly at it, the skin near his eyes crinkling as he does. "Got it", he perks up, drawing out his hand with a small ring box enclosed in it. "There you go."
She takes it from him, quickly untying the lace over it and opening it. The moment her eyes land on it, she instantly understands who it is from. On one end of the silver crystal ring there was a star and on the other end, there was a moon facing the star.
"Ah!", she smiles slyly, flicking her gaze back upto his' dark chocolate eyes. "So it is Draco who told you about my birthday."
"What? No-"
"Don't play dumb, Blaise. I know."
He groans and accepts defeat, letting his head fall back as he shuts his eyes. "I told him that you were too smart to fall for this."
She chuckles and adverts her gaze back upon the ring, easily slipping it into her fourth finger.
"Or maybe he knew you'd figure it out", he brings his head back suddenly, gazing at her with possibly wide eyes as if he had just made a grand discovery.
Her eyes never leave her hand as she smiles, twisting the ring into a proper position on her finger. "Oh, he knew."
"I will never understand you two", Blaise sighs from beside. "You're clearly in love with each other."
Zilliah's head shoots straight up at it. "Love?", she scoffs. "Now Blaise, let's not get ahead of ourselves here-"
"Oh, save me the rant, blah blah blah. I know it is. You know it is. He does too. You too are both just thick in the head to admit it to each other and pull your head out of your arses."
She opens her mouth to retort but feels as if there is nothing she can say back to that so she settles onto a scowl before her eyes inevitably flick back to her finger.
Love?
Love?
No way.
It's not love. It cannot be love. Even though, his addictive laughs bring her more comfort than anything in existence. Even though his strong chest feels warmer than all. Even though his silver eyes are the only place she has ever felt at home. Even though his euphonious voice has been the utmost solace she could ever find. Even though his hands are the lock to the keys of her own.
It's not love.
Zilliah couldn't possibly love Draco Malfoy.
Oh, what a catastrophe that would be!
"Would you mind giving me some notice", Blaise's voice pull her out of her thoughts again.
She stops twisting the ring and glances back up at him. "Ugh alright, you attention whore."
He chuckles at it, the delight ever so prevalent in his features. "I'm sorry though. I didn't know it was your birthday until like an hour ago so I couldn't get you anything worthwhile."
"You don't have to apologise. It's alright."
"No but-"
"Blaise", she places a hand on his as it lay free on his lap. "It's alright. You're spending time with me. That's enough. I haven't had the chance to talk to you in ages. It was almost like you ceased to exist or something."
His eyes soften further, the smile dulling down as a certain sadness takes over his features. He interlocks their hands and squeezes. "It was almost like you had ceased to exist too."
Sympathy, she recognises. The earlier warmth had made her take a second to deform it. No. Not now. She makes to retract her hand back but he doesn't let her.
"We don't have to talk about it", he says, genuine and soft, as if he was dealing with the delicate petals of a flower when in reality, if she is anything, it is a thorn. A thorn that ironically bleeds itself.
"Thank you", she finds herself mumbling and quitting the resistance for his sake. "But I wonder, how come you never went back home for the holidays?"
He heaves a sigh at it and lets his head fall back once more. "I meant to. But then Theo made a fuss about it."
"Why?"
"He was planning on staying back but then he had been called home. His father demanded him to be there."
"Why should that stop you, though?"
"Theo was planning on staying back to watch over Draco", he explains tiredly. "He says Draco needs someone watching over him at all times like he is a newborn or something. I never really understood why. I mean, yeah, he is a bit off these days. But should we really pamper him? Theo does. He always slips into his room and gets him food and water no matter how much he yells at him. He knows something I don't. Maybe, that's why. Otherwise he wouldn't be invested so. I mean, it's not that I don't care about Draco. I do. He is one of my best mates. But honestly, Theo can be too much sometimes. You don't know this because you've not grown that much close to him. You may feel like you know him but I promise, you don't. He's got a real obsessive personality, that is completely different from what he lets on. It's especially at height when it comes to Draco. The both of them had been inseparable since birth."
"Oh.. but maybe, it's just because he is concerned", Zilliah comments, some part of her relaxing upon the fact that Theo had took care of Draco but some other part stinging with the regret that it should've been her. Some part paining to know why Draco has been so.
He still is. She hadn't failed to notice how sleepless and tired he looks all the time she sees him, which isn't much at all. He always makes it a point to avoid her whenever they are in the same room. He always runs away.
After that night, she had never gotten the chance to hold him again and let her fingers run wild in his locks.
Blaise opens his eyes and stares at his hand locked with hers. "I sure hope it is", he mumbles with a certain dread in his tone. But she doesn't get to comment on it as he continues. "How about we take a trip to Hogsmeade and get some hot cocoa?"
"I don't feel like going anywhere now, Blaise."
"Then I'll get it here for you", he says simply, retracting his hand and jumping out of bed in one springy motion.
"Blaise, you don't have to."
"Oh, but I do", he turns to face her, running a hand through his curls, flashing those perfectly white teeth of his.
She smiles looking up at him. "Did Draco tell you to pamper me?"
Lowering his hand and stuffing it into the pockets of his pant, he walks backwards to the door, facing her all the while. "It's just me", he speaks softly.
The sincerity flashing in his eyes makes her understand that it was indeed truly him. And her heart warms up at it. She smiles, with the utmost genuiness in a long while.
"I'll be back in ten."
-
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heyyyyy my loves, so this is what the ring looks like if you didn't understand because of my shitty explanation lol.
i hope all of you are doing good.
a lot of on and off moments with our couple, i understand. but trust me, it is essential.
let me know what you think of the book so far right here. i would LOVE to see your thoughts as we're getting into the thick of the plot soon.
eat well and stay hydrated. get proper sleep too.
i love you all sm. my dms are always open to anyone who needs it.
take care.
all the love,
ann <3
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