Inspired by Community S1E17: "Physical Education"
Frank POV
"Okay, everyone, turn to page fifty-six in your textbooks. We're going to start class by going over some pronunciations."
Frank's a nice guy. Frank tries to be a really, really nice guy. Even when people are jerks, he just tells himself that there's good in everyone.
But Octavian the Latin Teaching Assistant is probably the biggest positivity challenge Frank's ever faced.
To put it shortly, the man is crazy. Yesterday when he was teaching them how to insult Percy in Latin, a stuffed moose fell out of his messenger bag. Frank doesn't judge; everyone has a favorite stuffed animal, but Frank prefers to keep the stuffed puppy from his childhood in his grandma's attic. You know, because he's a nineteen-year-old dude who doesn't want to discuss BeeBee the puppy with his college friends.
Where was he? Oh yeah. He hates his TA with a passion, and he's having some trouble in Latin. He's pulling a C+, which isn't too bad. You know what they say: "C's get degrees," but Frank's on a scholarship, and he could lose the money if he doesn't get his grade up to at least a B.
So he's a little offended that his TA doesn't take the class as seriously as he does. That's why he's thankful to have found his study group. These people are way nicer to him than anyone in his high school had ever been, and working independently with Hazel has been both enjoyable and helpful to his grade. She's sweet. She brings him cookies, and she even made him a new face mask the other day. It's zebra print.
Frank flips his textbook to page fifty-six and is shocked at the familiar face sketched underneath the diagrams. Stray pencil marks were expected when he rented a used book. A couple of the exercises have the answers written in already. But a portrait of himself? Now, that's a different story entirely.
"Frank? Care to tell us the Latin word for 'monkey?'" Octavian asks.
Oh! Frank knows his animals! "Simia!" he says, a little too enthusiastically.
Hazel turns around and gives him a thumbs-up.
"Oh, did you... draw that?" Hazel asks.
"No, it's a used textbook," Frank whispers back.
Leo takes the textbook from Frank and examines the picture. "Look at you, Frank! They got your nose wrong, though."
"Hey! Give it back."
Leo does not give the textbook back because he isn't very nice to Frank. Ever since Frank sat down at that study table during the first week of classes, Leo's had it out for him.
Anyways, Leo passes the book off to Piper, who chokes on her Starbucks drink in response.
She passes the book down to Percy, who gives Frank a wink and then passes it forward to Annabeth.
Annabeth, instead of looking at the textbook, passes it to Jason, who is sitting in the very front row.
Octavian rolls his eyes and deadpans his dismissal, per usual. "Vale."
As if struck by lightning, Jason jolts to his feet and shows the textbook to Octavian. It's Frank's worst nightmare: talking to a teacher.
"Jason-" Frank tries to interject.
"Octavian, would you be able to give me any clue who owned this textbook previously? It's important that we find them," Jason says.
The others huddle around Jason like penguins, waiting for an answer.
Without breaking eye contact, Octavian flips to the inside front cover of the book and gives it back to Jason.
"Oh, uh, thanks. That's... that's something I didn't think of," says Jason.
Frank takes his textbook back and leaves the classroom with the others.
"Frank," says Piper. "This might be your only shot to get a girlfriend-"
"Ouch," Frank interjects.
Piper continues anyway. "What I'm saying is, you have to let us help you find this girl who drew you. Jason, what's her name?"
"Miranda. Miranda Gardiner," Jason replies.
"Well, let's find her!" says Piper. "C'mon, this is going to be so much fun!"
✎✎✎
Does Frank want to be doing this? Not necessarily.
But it's important to his friends that he gets a date, so maybe he'll give it a shot.
He's not sure how much he likes being seated at a moist picnic table with Piper and Jason and Annabeth, however.
"Okay," says Piper. "I stalked Miranda on Instagram, and it looks like she's interested in baking, gardening, and, uh, beekeeping." She looks at Frank expectantly.
"Oh, uh, I like bees. Save the bees," he supplies.
"Great. I've recruited Jason and Annabeth as our Chief Strategists. With them, there's absolutely no way you'll get turned down."
Jason wipes his glasses against his shirt.
Annabeth throws a french fry at Piper. "You mean you bought me fries with Old Bay and it was a trap? I have to help Frank get a date?"
"Nothing is free in this world," Piper says wistfully. "Now, that's her over there."
Frank tries to look over his shoulder without being too obvious. Miranda Gardiner is pretty; he has no idea how he lucked out like that. She's eating a salad, most likely saving the little pink frosted cupcake sitting on the table for dessert. Frank squints to read the title of the book she's reading: Silent Spring. Oh, so she's a serious environmentalist.
"What do you think, Frank?" Piper asks.
"I'm a little nervous," he admits.
Annabeth sits back in her chair. "Just be yourself. You'll be amazing."
"Yeah, man," says Jason. "You've got this!"
Frank takes a deep breath, and practices what he's going to say in his head: Hi... Wait, no, not that.
My name's Frank... Oh, that might be too formal.
Oh, wait.
"There's just one problem," Frank says. "If I'm being myself, I really wouldn't go over there and talk to her."
"C'mon! You're a hockey player and you're Canadian. What's not to love?" asks Piper.
She's right. He's a hockey player. He's like, the whole package. He's buff, he's nice, he does mostly well in school, he's a good friend, and wow, he's doing it!
Somehow, his knees come unlocked and he just takes a step. He's getting closer! He takes another step toward Miranda and then decides to pick up the pace because he looks like he's never walked before.
Yeah! Frank's getting so close! He can do this! She's just right over there!
He passes her. And speedwalks back into the dining hall and to the bathroom.
He shuts himself in a stall and rests his back against the wall. That was scary.
"Frank?" Jason calls. "You alright, man?"
"I just got, uh, nervous poops?"
"No sensible man goes to a public bathroom to poop. What's wrong?"
Frank sighs. "I guess I just got scared. I've never done this before."
"Never asked out a stranger?" Jason asks, peeking through the stall door.
Frank opens the door at last. "I've never asked anyone out before."
"Hey, there's a first time for everything. We'll help you out."
"Thanks."
✎✎✎
"Okay, Frank," says Piper. "I know a lot about acting, for reasons none of you will ever get to learn, so I promise to teach you everything I know. You'll have this girl across from you at a dinner table in no time!"
Fantastic.
"Annabeth! Act natural!" Piper orders.
"I'll do whatever you want as long as you keep the french fries coming."
"Great," says Piper. "You just keep doing what you're doing. Frank, go talk to Annabeth."
"Okay." Frank can talk to Annabeth. He loves Annabeth; she's nice to him. He cracks his knuckles and steps up to bat. "Hey, Annabeth. How'd you feel about the quiz yesterday?"
"Cut!" Piper shouts.
Annabeth nonchalantly dips a fry in some ketchup. "I didn't get to answer..."
"What did I do?" Frank asks.
Jason, who hasn't spoken this whole time, throws an arm around Frank. "You're great at talking to your friends, but you have to pretend she's a stranger. You're amazing, though!"
"Did you just compliment sandwich me?" Frank asks.
Piper spins Frank around so he's facing Annabeth again. "Pretend she's Miranda."
"Okay." Frank takes another deep breath. He's got this. It's not really Miranda, and his friends are nice. If he messes up, these people won't judge him.
At least, he thinks they won't judge him.
He sits down in the seat next to Anna—er—Miranda. "Hey," he says. "My name is Frank."
"Hi," Annabeth/Miranda says stiffly. "I'm Miranda."
"Cool."
"Cool."
Piper cups her hands around her mouth and hollers, "Cut! What was that, people?"
"Hey, he was getting better," Jason says. "We just have to get past the 'my name is Frank' part."
"Frank," Piper says. "Frank, Frank, Frank..." She pulls her hair back into a ponytail. "Do you like movies?"
"I guess so?"
"Who's the most badass stud-muffin you can think of?" Piper asks.
Jason covers Frank's ears, which turns out to not be very effective because Frank can still hear him say, "Piper, he should be able to get Miranda to go out with him by just being himself. It's better in the long run."
"Answer the question, Frank."
"Just be yourself," Jason says.
"What's your favorite movie?"
Frank can't take their bickering anymore. It's like they're an old married couple. "Annabeth, help!" he calls.
Annabeth licks the ketchup from her index finger. "Let's just imagine that these ideas made sweet love, and we'll use their love child to ask Miranda out."
Piper cocks an eyebrow. "Annabeth, what the actual hell?"
She clears her throat. "Sorry, I'm in a french fry coma. Have Frank reenact a movie character, and then we can dial it down to something a little more true to him. Am I making sense now?"
Frank nods. "I like that idea." Annabeth has the best plans.
He thinks back to his childhood. He watched a lot more movies when he was a kid than he does now. He used to watch Steve Irwin on the Discovery Channel a lot, but he figures that an impression of his childhood hero would be inappropriate given that the man is, uh, no longer with us.
Then, he's got it: "Han Solo. I know the Star Wars movies forwards and backward."
Annabeth starts, "He was an incredibly problema-"
"Shut up, Miranda. Go be Han, Frank," says Piper.
She goes back to acting natural and Frank clears his head of all Frank-ish thoughts. Frank Zhang is no more; there is only Han Solo.
Now, what would Han Solo say to a girl like Miranda?
He's got a good feeling about this.
He sits down in the seat next to Annabeth/Miranda and casually slides his arm around her, careful not to actually touch her because the real Annabeth would kill him for that.
"Hey, Princess," he says with a signature Han Solo wink.
Annabeth glances toward Piper and then caves into the act. "Hey."
"I'm..." He can't introduce himself as Han. "Frank."
"Miranda," says Annabeth-as-Miranda.
"What do you say about getting to know a guy like me?"
"Hmm," she fakes pondering. "I suppose I could use a nice night out."
"I think you could use a good kiss..." Frank leans in.
Then the dean begins to bark over the intercom: "A new announcement from our billiards coach: 'Nico di Angelo is a wuss who thinks he needs to look cool to play pool.'"
What?
"Okay," says Piper. "That wasn't so bad. Time for some notes!"
Jason pats Frank's back. "I like the confidence, man."
Piper continues. "You need to dial down the actual content of what you're saying. It's a little too strong for someone you don't know at all-"
"Jesus Christ! That's a sexual assault allegation waiting to happen," Annabeth says.
Suddenly the study room door opens, and Leo Valdez marches in. "What is going on in here?"
Everyone looks towards Piper. She is, after all, the one who knows what's going on.
"Hey, Leo!" How are Piper and Leo so close? "We're just helping Frank practice asking Miranda out. We're channeling movie characters."
"Trust me," says Leo. "No movie can possibly train Frank in the art of girls. He's just a Chinese-Canadian baby man. Always will be."
Ouch.
"That was mean!" says Annabeth.
"Chill out, Mamacita," says Leo. "I'm just saying he's never going to have game as good as the Supersized McShizzle here."
Well, Frank can't help it. He may have low self-esteem, but he's not completely out of his ego. Maybe channeling a movie character isn't as effective as impersonating a real person.
"Well," Frank says. "Maybe you're just jealous that you don't have the body of a hotshot hockey player!"
"Woo! Yeah, Frank!" shouts Piper.
Frank addresses the group. "You guys don't need to train me in the art of talking to the ladies! I got this in the bag. I am smoother than smooth. All the ladies want a piece of the Frankster!"
Frank blinks Old Bay out of his eye when a french fry collides with his face.
"Save it for the real deal, Frank," says Annabeth. "Leo's flirting style with your body might be the perfect combination."
"Guys," Jason says. "You do realize that if Frank isn't himself, it could be really bad?"
"No, wait. I like this. Frank, you're like a chameleon. Your impressions are amazing; we're totally going to have to use this for other stuff," says Piper. "I'm thinking pranks..."
For the first time in a while, Frank feels like he can take on the whole world. His newfound talent is just the confidence boost he's been needing since high school. Who knew that acting like Leo could unlock so many new possibilities?
✎✎✎
This is it: The moment of truth. Take two.
"Are you ready, Frank? You don't have to go through with it if you're too nervous," Jason says.
"Yeah, I've got this. I just need to center myself a little," he says. "This is going to go great."
Okay, there's Miranda. She's studying something out of a three-ring binder, thank goodness. Frank wouldn't interrupt her if she was reading a book. That would be rude.
This is it. No more Frank Zhang the Chinese-Canadian baby man. You're Frank the chameleon now.
Frank walks—no, struts—his way over to Miranda's seat in the student lounge. Great, she's studying zoology. "Hey, there. Zoology?" he asks, partially to confirm his suspicions but also because it sounds kind of cool.
Miranda tucks some wavy hair behind her ear. "Um, yeah..."
Chinese-Canadian Baby Man Frank would probably share a cool fact about the animal kingdom, but 'Supersized McShizzle' Leo wouldn't.
"You know, I'm somewhat of an animal myself," Frank says. He glances back to where his friends are spying.
Piper smiles and gives him a double thumbs up. Wow, a double thumbs-up from Piper is hard to come by.
He sits down on the armrest and leans in close, but not close enough to be creepy. Just because he's channeling Leo doesn't mean he has to act entirely like Leo.
"Hey! Who the hell are you and why are you hitting on my girlfriend?"
Standing above Frank is an angry-looking dude. He's relatively comparable to Frank. They're both tall and buff, and they even have the same hairstyle.
What would Leo do? Leo wouldn't be able to compete with this guy in a million years, but Frank can.
"What, I can't tell a girl she's pretty?" Frank throws his arms out.
And he's rewarded not with a date, but with a punch to the face. It hurts. His eyes are watering against his own will. Shoot, now he looks like he's crying.
Granted, he gets hit all the time when he's playing hockey, but usually, he has a helmet protecting his head, and the other guy is probably wearing gloves because it's usually the goalie he pisses off...
"Frank, oh shit!" Piper pulls Frank's arm away from his eye so she can get a better look. "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to-"
"Screw you, man! That's my buddy!" Annabeth throws a punch, but Jason catches her fist just in time and quite literally drags her away.
All Frank can hear is the sound of her sneakers squeaking against the ground and Jason promising french fries with Old Bay.
"C'mon, let's get you some ice for your eye," Piper says.
"Who was that guy and why didn't I know about him?" Frank asks when Piper seats him at a booth in the dining hall. She casts the 'DO NOT SIT HERE' sign aside. They can probably make an exception for Frank's forming black eye.
A lunch tray slams against the table, announcing the entrance of one Leo Valdez.
"That," Leo starts, "was Sherman Yang. Quarterback of the football team, complete frat boy, and Miranda Gardiner's boyfriend." He hands Frank a frozen Uncrustable PBJ. "Put this on your eye. Maybe you wouldn't have gotten hit if you asked me for some intel first."
Annabeth pushes her french fries to Frank's place. He takes one. Old Bay and fries. What a weird combination. It's not right. They don't belong together. French fries are so tasty and soft, and Old Bay is such a harsh flavor. It ruins the taste.
Just like adding a little bit of Leo ruined Frank.
✎✎✎
"Oh, good. I'm glad you guys are here. I have something to say to all of you." Piper stands at the head of the study table.
Frank looks around at his friends.
Jason's twirling a pencil between his fingers. Leo's taking apart his watch. Annabeth actually isn't eating french fries for once.
"Leo," says Piper. "I'm sorry for not talking to you before we went through with the plan. It probably hurt a lot being excluded."
"It's okay."
She turns to Jason next. "You tried to warn me that making Frank be someone other than himself would be bad. I'm sorry I didn't listen to you."
"Apology accepted."
"Are we still on for Dairy Queen tonight?" Piper asks.
Jason's glasses are foggy from his breath. "Of course!"
She continues. "Annabeth, I'm sorry I took advantage of you by giving you fries in exchange for your brainpower. Most of all, I'm sorry for your crappy taste. Old Bay and fries? Really?"
"It's good!" Annabeth shouts. Then under her breath, she says, "I won't be eating another french fry for a while though."
Piper sighs. "Frank, I'm so sorry. For everything. I'm sorry that I convinced you that being someone else was the way to get a girlfriend, and I'm especially sorry if I made you think that you aren't enough. The truth is, you are enough. Any girl would be lucky to be with you."
Frank feels his cheeks heating up. "Oh, it's okay, Piper. Thanks for trying. I'm not sure I'm cut out for dating. At least, not right now."
"Are you sure?" Piper asks. "Because I think I could set you up with Hazel. You guys could be really cute together."
Hazel? Into Frank? No way. "I don't think she feels that way about me. Plus, she's in the study group. I don't want to risk the friendship."
"Yeah, I don't really see it," says Leo.
The door bursts open, and Percy and Hazel slowly sit down in their seats like a pair of zombies. Their faces are expressionless.
"What's going on?" Jason asks.
Percy shakes his head. "We've seen things."
"So many things," Hazel adds. "Horrible things."
"What things?" Leo asks.
Hazel and Percy make eye contact across the table.
At last, Hazel speaks. "If we told you, then we'd have to relive it."