It's one thing to hear that someone loves you, another thing to experience that love. Nayeon isn't sure she's deserving of such devotion. She often questions herself what she's done to receive such reverent touches, tender words and unbridled affection in the simplest of gestures.
Mina is carefully folding up her sleeves and icing the bruised bicep, eyes swimming with concern and worry - so she blurts it out, unable to keep the words in her chest, interrupting the comfortable silence that has settled between them.
"Why do you even love me?"
The worry disappears, giving way to something close to amusement. "Is that a rhetorical question?"
Blushing, she shrugs. "It's just that, I'm me." Loud, immature, childish, a lot of adjectives springs to her mind.
The younger girl slides her hand up her arm, stroking the skin on the back of her neck, tugging her closer to lay her head on her shoulder. "Which is perfect."
Nayeon breathes her in deeply. The rational part of her which is tethered to truth and facts doesn't want to believe it. But when Mina is in her arms, holding Nayeon like she really is perfect, a small part of her indulges happily in the belief that maybe, she is perfect, in Mina's eyes.
It's as if her mind has a mental switch that turns automatically on around the Japanese girl. It doesn't miss a single word she says, has memorised everything with an unwavering sincerity. It's probably why when she looks at the calendar before the recording, and smiles to herself that she's been with Mina for a whole month without fucking anything up, her mind decides to randomly supply an incident from their trainee days,
"Omg that's so romantic." Dahyun gushes when the male lead hires a flight to declare his love to the female lead with an I love you banner.
"Dramatic." Joengyeon comments dryly.
"Yes, this one's a bit dramatic." Mina begins softly, looking away when Nayeon turns to her, "It doesn't have to be grand gestures, just simple thoughtful gestures that tells us that someone thinks the world of us, imagine having that."
"I'm sure you can have that." Chaeyoung reasons, "I mean look at you, who wouldn't want to give you the world?"
Mina gives a smile that's playful on the surface but Nayeon notices it doesn't really reach her eyes. "I can think of a name or two."
Nayeon makes a mental note to rip them a new limb when she finds their names.
She definitely needs her limb. It's a fact. Because how else is she going to hold Mina, caress her cheeks that flushes so prettily when she cups them or explore her smooth skin that gets heated at the touch of her fingers. It won't do.
So when Jihyo looks at her, with very little patience and a lot of annoyance the next day, she crosses her arms, and mutters defensively, "I needed my limbs."
"All she asked was why you broke our neighbour's window at midnight." Jeongyeon guffaws loudly, "Carrying a bag of chocolates and flowers. I mean were you trying for hate sex or something with Mrs. Chin?"
Nayeon snarls at the taller girl and only stops when Jihyo narrows her eyes in dry amusement. "Thank god our manager paid the grumpy woman off and stopped a story from reaching the media. The least you could do is tell us why you did what you did."
She ignores the heat climbing up to the tip of her ears, ignores Mina's eyes on her, as she admits quietly, "I was aiming the pebble for Mina's window."
The studio goes silent for an embarrassingly few seconds.
Jihyo and Jeongyeon soften. Dahyun looks at her proudly. Tzuyu shakes her head with a smile. Sana gives her a peck on her cheek. Momo and Chaeyoung chuckle.
She looks at Mina last. Her brown eyes have a breathtaking glow to them. In that moment, Nayeon is certain of one thing. That she'll break a million windows if it meant Mina looking at her like that, like she's the one who brings up the sun everyday.
She doesn't know how they keep ending up in this position. Mina pressed to the door, in case anyone should walk into the room unannounced, Nayeon's hand up her shirt caressing every bit of soft skin within her reach. She has a hard time reminding herself that Mina is not ready when the younger girl explores her mouth with her tongue, so painstakingly slow, stealing her breath with every kiss.
"What was it you were going to say before I.." decided that the way your lips were moving while talking are too distracting and took it in a heated kiss, her mind supplies helpfully.
"I was asking if you were free for dinner tomorrow." The younger girl's nose brushes over hers, fingers drawing a lazy pattern on the back of her neck she's cradling with her dainty hands.
Nayeon hums, dragging her lips to place a light kiss below Mina's ears, her fingertips slowly unbuttoning the Japanese girl's shirt one by one, enjoying the hitch of breath she hears.
"I have a photoshoot in the evening." She replies, peppering kisses along the column of her throat, pulling up her bra to brush her thumbs over hardened nipples. "Why?"
She watches Mina closely as the younger girl drops her head back against the door, closing her eyes to regain control over her breath, only to lose it completely when she dips her head down to swirl her tongue around a swollen bud.
"B-because," The younger girl's hands come to the back of her head holding her in place, as she nips gently with her teeth.
Slow. She reminds herself. Mina is not ready. She smiles roguishly coming back up to meet Mina's eyes and enjoys the blush on her face as she straightens her top, "Because?"
Mina clears her throat, buttoning up her shirt back again. "My parents are visiting."
Nayeon stills. Meeting her parents? Do they even know? She blinks, pulling away from the younger girl abrubtly.
A thousand questions run haywire in her brain. What if they don't like her? Sure they like her as a member. But as a suitor for their only precious daughter? The daughter who comes from class and money. She feels unable to breathe. Panic swells in her chest so fast it feels like someone sucked out all the air in the room.
"Don't you think this is a bit too fast?"
"Nayeon-chan." Mina begins, her gaze pained. "You just had m-my," She stutters pointing to her chest, "in your mouth and a simple dinner is too fast?"
"Do they know Mina?"
"They don't."
This is worse. Mina tells her parents everything. So why is she hiding that she's in a relationship? Is she ashamed of her? Nayeon feels tortured. A second ago she hadn't wanted her parents knowing, now she is hurt that they don't know. Her head throbs with all the conflicting emotions raging inside her.
"Okay. Okay. I'll see them." She relents, if only to take the pain away from the other girl's eyes.
"You don't have to, if you don't want to."
Nayeon shrugs. "I'll be there."
"I'm not going." She tells with finality.
Jihyo turns her head to look at her with a stern glance. "What is wrong with you?"
What's wrong is there's pure, gnawing, aching, suffocating panic in her chest. It's alarming, terrifying. "Why would they want their perfect daughter to be with someone like me?"
"They already love you like their own."
"They won't when they know I'm dating her." She points at herself, snorting a laughter that reeks of insecurity.
"How would you know when you won't even meet them?" Jihyo chides in a controlled voice.
"And what if I learn they don't like me? What will happen then Jihyo? For six fucking years I thought Mina didn't like me. That was something I learnt to live with. But this," She shakes her head as if she's talking to herself, "This will kill me."
Seconds pass. Jihyo watches her with concerned eyes and a softness she is sure she doesn't deserve.
"Nayeon. There are two things I'm certain of in my life." She scoots closer to her, arm wrapping around her shoulder to pull her into a side hug. "That I love all the members as much as I love my family. And that it's impossible for anyone to not love Im Nayeon, even if she's a pain the arse."
Nayeon turns to look at her. Jihyo is not always open with her emotions and feelings, but when she says something she definitely means them. It gives her the courage to pick herself up, to do the right thing, for herself and Mina.
"I've already called a cab." Jihyo pats her cheek when she stands up swiftly, and Nayeon can't help but give her a watery smile and a bone crushing hug.
It's late. The diner is empty save for the few patrons still lingering. She runs her hand through her hair as she takes in an exhausted breath. Fucking traffic. She feels for her phone and scrolls to the messages she hasn't dared to look at in the past few hours.
Where are you?
We're waiting to order. Can you please hurry?
Nayeon-chan, you are coming right?
Her heart sinks with every text she reads. There's no new one after the last. She exhales shakily as she thinks of Mina waiting in the restaurant, looking over her shoulder every now and then to see if she's there. She thinks of Mina making up some excuse to her parents when she doesn't show up even after an hour. She thinks of Mina, her brown eyes that are usually warm and glowing, flickering with pain at being let down.
She lays her forehead on her palm, pinching the space between her brows with her fingers as she closes her eyes.
She needs to see Mina. She needs to apologize, grovel, beg for her forgiveness, do what needs to be done. She can't lose her. Even the prospect of it terrifies her.
Time passes by excruciatingly slow as Nayeon waits impatiently at the door. Her heart almost stops for a moment when the door opens and learns to beat again when her eyes find Jeongyeon.
"You fucked up." She shoves her with a fist to her chest. It only hurts a little. What really makes her physically recoil, stand trembling in the corridor is the next few words Jeongyeon throws at her, "You made her cry. God, I've never seen her cry so much. I hate you right now."
She settles for a sad smile as Jeongyeon blocks her path, "Please, let me just talk to her."
"Honestly, give her some time and space. She's hurt. Don't make it worse."
She bites her quivering bottom lip, unable to stop the tears from falling."Jeongyeon, please, I just want to say-"
"You said what you wanted when you didn't show up."
She stands frozen as Mina makes her way to the door. Her eyes are red, and Nayeon's throat clenches at the reminder that she's the one responsible for it.
Despite her reddened eyes, pink cheeks and mussed hair, Mina still looks absolutely gorgeous. Her gaze, however is blank. Mina has never looked at her like that. It terrifies her in a way nothing else does.
"I'm-"
Mina cuts her off with a shake of her head, "Just go back to your dorm."
She's being politely asked to leave. Whether from just the dorm or her life, she doesn't know yet. It feels like both.
She nods, chin trembling.
"I-I'll go."
Sana holds her tightly, hands drawing soothing patterns on her back as she sobs into the younger girl's shoulder.
"I fucked up." She hiccups, as Sana wipes her tears off her cheeks and listens with unwavering attention. "I was just so scared."
She expects Sana to ask why she's scared. Or why she thinks she fucked up. But she throws her off guard with her words, "You don't realise how brave you are."
She laughs bitterly. So brave that she chickened out on a casual dinner. As if she understands her thoughts, Sana takes her hand in hers and holds them tightly, looking up at her with her earnest eyes. "Nayeon-chan, you are brave. You were the first to admit what you have is a relationship, you were the first to celebrate your one month anniversary, you were the first to take all the steps Mina hoped you will take but never voiced out. You did all that by yourself without her telling you."
Nayeon blinks hard, heart pounding in her chest. "But, but I got scared today."
Sana chuckles fondly, weaving their fingers together, "Being brave doesn't mean not getting scared Nayeon-chan, it means getting scared but still having enough courage to overcome your fears."
Courage. It's all that she has as she stands trembling before the door she's about to knock on.
It has taken a quick call to her manager to book the first flight available and get here. She asks her not to reveal her trip to anyone, and has full faith in her loyal manager to keep it a secret until she returns.
She bows humbly when the door opens, "Oka-san, otoh-san."
Mina's mother is the first to push past the silence that stretches for an awkward few seconds. "What are you doing here?"
"Making things right."
The first few hours are frightening. They're polite, show her into a room, let her freshen up and make her lunch.
It's after lunch, her father takes her on a tour of the house and pauses before a room that's neatly arranged and has a certain warmth to it. "This used to be Mina's room." He hums as he walks inside, looking at all the pictures littering the wall.
"I remember when she came back with that picture. She spoke about you nonstop."
His words make her cheeks flare, and chest burn with an ache. "When she speaks about you, it's full of love and admiration. Never seen it change once in all these years except-"
He pauses with a stern glance in his eyes. "Except yesterday. Yesterday when she spoke about you, there was love. And.."
"And?" She prods, knowing what she's going to hear, but still wanting to hear from him so her already shattered heart can break once again.
"Pain."
The rest of the day gets gradually better. They make dinner together and she can't help all the brilliant little smiles tugging her lips up in a curve as Mina's mother shows her childhood album. She knows Mina would never let her see these. Especially not the photo of a five year old Mina she's currently holding in her hand.
"Can I take a picture?"
The older woman glances up from the photo to her eyes and looks deeply as if searching for something. "Why because she looks silly wearing pompoms on top of a swimsuit?"
"No." She tilts her head, drawing the picture closer to her. "Because it's Mina."
Her mother smiles, like she's somehow passed a test she hadn't known she was sitting for.
The second day is really, really, better.
Until it's not.
Nayeon who's offered to go fishing with Mina's father, has gotten absolutely terrified by a fish that has jumped at her. And in her haste to get away from the attacking monster, she's stumbled backwards and fell into the stream.
When he tries to help her back up, she's held on to him a little too strongly and they'd both ended up getting drenched head to toe in water.
She stands in the middle of the stream, rocking back and forth on her heels like a lost child.
The frown and stern glance he's been wearing for two days disappears as he begins to laugh loudly, and Nayeon's jaw drops bewildered, embarrassed.
"I can see why she loves you. You're adorable." He says softly, once his laughter dies down.
She picks at the thread of her wet t-shirt, shaking her head. "She deserves more."
He places his hand gently by her shoulder, something in his eyes softening for a moment, "You can be more."
She fidgets nervously, a backpack slung on her shoulder as she looks between Mina's parents.
"Come here." Mina's mother pulls her into a tight hug, which lasts for a long moment. "Take care of yourself. Take care of her too." She squeezes tight.
She nods, terrified she's going to cry if she opens her mouth.
She bites down on her lip and meets the older man's eyes. He glances at her tear filled gaze as she tries to wipe them away and breathes out a soft sigh.
"Don't hurt her again." He pulls her into a one arm hug.
She nods again, clutching tight to his back, allowing the tears to fall freely.
In hindsight, she should have told Mina where she's going. Disappearing two days on her right after breaking her heart isn't a wise thing to do.
Mina stops dancing when she walks into the studio. The other members are quiet, watching them both with concern and curiosity.
Nayeon's glasses are askew on her face, her hair is sticking in all directions and she's still struggling for breath because she's rushed here straight from the airport.
She's rushed to see Mina. Mina who's looking at her, blinking in either shock or suprise as the silence prolongs between them.
"Your shot is in ten minutes Mina-ssi." Their manager peeks her head inside the studio to announce.
Nayeon watches as the younger girl breaks away from their glance to look at their manager. "I'll be there."
"Mina." Nayeon tries her best not to reach out and grab the younger girl's hand. "Look at me."
"We'll talk after the shoot." Mina doesn't even turn around.
Nayeon sucks in a sharp breath, visibly flinching at the aloofness in her tone. "I went to-"
This time when the younger girl turns around, her eyes are furious and Nayeon takes a step back, faltering.
"What we have, had is casual. We- I, agreed to it. I can't stand here and pretend I have a right to know about your whereabouts. So don't bother explaining."
Mina leaves, footsteps soft on the tiled floor, harsh on her breaking heart.