Meanwhile, Emerson Parker POV
I woke up around 2am, unable to sleep with all the thoughts running through my head. I sat up straight on my bed and gently pushed Emily's arms away from me as they hugged me quite tightly. I ran my hands over my face and through my hair, undoing the messy bun I had made before I went to bed. I put my feet up on the floor and exhaled loudly.
I wasn't afraid to wake Emily, as she was a heavy sleeper. I finally slipped out of bed and went to grab my fuzzy jacket and DocMartens, I also put on my watch and grabbed my wallet and phone. I walked out of my room and closed the door behind me, and unlike Emily, knowing that Bucky was a light sleeper, I decided to take the stairs so as to not also wake anyone else in the compound. I could have left a note for someone but decided otherwise thinking that they would want to convince me to come back immediately.
Arriving at Tony's lab floor, I opened the door slightly and saw him working on one of his suits. I walked over to him and cleared my throat behind him, making my presence known. He flinched slightly anyway but relaxed when he recognized me.
"What are you doing up so early?" he asked me, concern hovering in his voice
"Couldn't sleep, you?"
"Same," he sighed and sat down next to me "are you okay?"
"Yeah," I replied without bothering to cover my obvious lie "I mean, now I know how he feels and I don't really have to hide anymore..."
"But...?"
"But I just wish I could have told him differently and maybe his reaction would have been different."
"I don't think you should be thinking with buts and ifs, what's done is done and now you just have to deal with it like the mature person you are."
"I- Sometimes I just wish I was still a little kid, you know, still loved by my parents and by Peter."
"You know he loves you, Mer."
"No, I don't actually," I sighed "I know he's sorry for what he said to me, but I don't know if he really forgives me for killing his parents. I don't know if he forgives me for abandoning him. I don't know if he accepts me with my past. And I sure as hell don't know if he still loves me."
I was shaking and fighting back the tears that were threatening to fall once more, fidgeting with my fingers and looking down at them. I heard Tony sigh as he hugged me. I didn't move at first, but then I put my arms around him, hugging him tightly. I pulled back after a few minutes and analyzed his face. He had huge bags under his eyes and had some scrapes and bruises. He was paler than usual and wasn't as clean shaven as he used to be.
"What's wrong with you?" I asked him with concern "are you okay?"
He sighed and fell back in his chair, "It's - complicated."
I sat down across from him in a chair, pulled it closer to him and replied, "I have all the time in the world, talk to me. Please."
He looked at me for a few seconds and then turned his eyes to the dark sky and the stars, releasing a heavy breath.
"Pepper and I are on a break," he finally said "and let's just say I'm not living it well..."
"Why? What happened?" I asked him
"She said I was overworking myself and not making enough time for her and our relationship. She went on to say that she won't be back with me until I'm rest," he replied "the thing is, I can't rest without knowing that she's safe and in my arms. But I can't do both."
"Why not? What happened?" I asked and seeing that he hesitated, I added "don't feel obligated, just tell me what you want."
"No, it's okay, I trust you," he smiled slightly "I had a nightmare one night, and one of my suits attacked her out of nowhere. She was gone in the morning. And I don't know what the fuck happened with the suit, but I dismantled it."
"Are you going to do anything to win her back?"
"I wanted to go see her tomorrow, with strawberries and to talk with her."
"Can I give you some advices?"
"Yes, please, of course." he replied, standing up straight
"First, no strawberries, she's allergic to them," I said "second, get a few good nights of sleep to get those bags under your eyes out and get a better face. And third, just talk to her from your heart, don't try to force anything. She loves you Tony, she really does, so don't go and mess it up." I finished, getting up and walking to the door
"Thanks Emerson, really," he said, following me "I'll go to sleep now."
"Oh, and one more thing," I said, smirking slightly "don't drink too much alcohol."
"I can't promise you that, but I'll do my best." he replied with a small laugh
As he was about to enter the elevator, he realized I was taking the stairs down.
"Where are you going?" he asked me
"I'm probably going to stay at Aunt May's or my house," I replied before adding "please don't tell anyone."
"Okay, buttercup, see you soon, love you." he smiled
"Love you too, Tony." I replied as the elevator door closed
Opening the outside door, I let my hair blow in the cold wind as I walked to the garage. I grabbed my keys and got into my car, leaving the compound shortly after. As I drove through New York, I let my mind wander as the soft music I had put on played in the back.
I wished Bucky had reacted in a completely different way. I wished he would have looked me straight in the eye and when he realized his love for me, he would have taken me in his arms, hugged me tightly and finally kissed me. I longed for his touch, his kisses, his words, his scent, his nightmares as well as his peaceful nights, his Winter side as well as his Bucky side. I wanted him, as a whole, his good and bad sides. But I couldn't have him. He didn't love me anymore and the sad thing was that I didn't even blame him anymore, it was all just pain, regret and sadness.
As I passed over the East River, I suddenly realized that we hadn't exchanged gifts. I told myself to send a message to Tony so we could open them on New Year's Eve. More lost in my thoughts, I hadn't realized I had arrived. I parked my car, got out and headed to May's apartment. I knew it was only 4:30 in the morning but I knocked on the door anyway. I waited for a while without hearing any noise from the other side until Peter opened the door. Shit.
"Emerson?" he asked, surprised "what are you doing here so early?"
"Um, I couldn't sleep," I replied "can I come in?"
He nodded and stepped aside to let me in, closed the door and without another word, left for his room.
I was standing in the middle of the living room not knowing where to go nor what to do. I actually had three options: stay where I was and sit down, go to the guest room and try to sleep knowing that I would have a nightmare, or I could sneak into May's room and sleep with her like when I was younger. I opted for the last option after a short deliberation, got rid of my shoes and coat and headed to her room. I opened it slightly to see her sleeping peacefully on the right side of her large bed. I went to sit on the edge of the other side, my eyes staring at the dark sky through the window. Without realizing it, May had opened her eyes slightly and moved closer to me.
"Emerson?" she asked almost in a whisper
"Yea?" I said, turning to her
"You're here," she said "you're actually here."
She pulled me close to her, throwing back the blanket over her and me as she did so, and hugged me tightly, her face buried in my neck. I felt a few tears roll down my shoulder and I pulled back, taking her face in both my hands. I wiped the tears away with my thumbs and kissed her nose, just like she used to do with me. She let out a short, sweet laugh before snuggling up more and going back to sleep. I stroked her hair gently, allowing myself to close my eyes.
I woke up around 6am because of the sun coming up, I groaned and without moving I closed the blinds (with my power, obviously), hoping that May wasn't woken up by the light. I kissed her gently on the forehead and saw her stir. She released herself slightly from my grip and watched my face carefully, a small smile forming on her face.
"Hi." she said with a smile
"Hey."
"Why are you here?"
"I needed to see you and I had to get away from the compound." I answered honestly
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"Maybe later," I replied as I got out of bed "but for now, go back to sleep, I'll make breakfast and call you."
Before she could reply, I closed the door and headed to the kitchen, and as I passed Peter's room, I couldn't help but lightly touch the door, sadness, as well as memories, coming over me. I shook my head and continued to the kitchen. I made pancakes and fruit, hot chocolates and coffee and arranged everything on the table. Then I went to May and told her that everything was ready and went to Peter's room. I stood still in front of his door with my fist in the air, ready to knock and took a deep breath. I knocked and opened the door slightly.
I saw him, in his bed, asleep, clutching a teddy bear. My teddy bear. When my parents took me to the orphanage, I didn't know I wouldn't be coming back and I was not allowed to take my teddy bear out of my bed. I cried a lot to get it back, but I eventually gave up. I even had forgotten about him, but here he was, laying peacefully in my brother's strong arms. I didn't even know if Peter knew it was mine before. probably not if he still have it.
I walked slowly to Peter's bed and sat on the side. I brushed a strand of hair from his face and kissed his forehead carefully. I sighed and looked at him. I know, it's creepy, but I had barely been able to observe him with all that had been going on.
Sure, he had grown in size, but his face was squarer and if you paid attention, you could see all the difficult events he must have gone through. I saw him stirring in his sleep, and I quickly got up, moving away from him a bit as if I had just arrived. I walked back to him and lightly shook his shoulder.
"Peter." I called him
He grumbled, still in his sleep, and I smiled at him. I shook him again and this time he opened his eyes, looking around before focusing on me.
"Hi." I waved at him, taking a step back
"What do you want?" he asked me, rather harshly and in a deeper voice than usual
"Um, just telling you that breakfast is ready." I replied almost in a whisper
I wasn't usually this careful with people, but it was different with Peter, because I knew that what he was telling me was different from what he was thinking.
"I'll leave you to it," I said as I walked to the door and before I closed it, I added "don't take too long, it'll get cold."
And then I closed the door, sighed and walked into the kitchen to see May pouring herself a cup of coffee.
"Did you make all this?" she asked me, sitting down
"Well, yea." I shrugged, grabbing a cup of hot chocolate and sitting down across from her
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?" I replied with a smile
She must not have believed my smile because she squinted at me, but just as she was about to add something, Peter walked in, cutting her off with a quick kiss on the cheek.
"Morning May." he said, rubbing the tiredness away from his eyes
"Hey big guy, did you sleep well? Any nightmares this time?"
"No, I was fine," he said, giving me a look "I was better when I fell back asleep..."
"Sorry I woke you up by the way, Pete." I said
"It's okay, no worries," he smiled as he took a cup of chocolate and sipped it "it's so good"
"Thanks." I whispered
"You did this?" he asked, surprised
"Yes, I made the whole breakfast."
"Oh... well thanks, I guess."
After a few minutes of uncomfortable silence, I spoke up, "Can I stay here today?"
"Yes, of course." May replied, glancing at Peter
I looked at Peter and he smiled slightly at me - his smile seemed so fucking forced. God, it was painful to see him act like this with me.
"I'm going to see Ned and MJ today, May." he said after a few seconds
As May nodded to him, I huffed quietly and sadly, looking down at my cup. Of course, he wasn't going to stay.
When breakfast was over, Peter took his things to the sink and was about to leave the kitchen but I grabbed his wrist, making him stop. I looked up at him, as I was sitting down, and we looked at each other for a few seconds, emotions running through his eyes and probably mine too. Then I smiled slightly and asked, "Can I talk to you, please, Peter?"
"Sure," he replied, after thinking about it "in ten minutes in front of the building?"
"Okay."
After that, Peter left for his room and I turned around to face May, who was looking at me suspiciously.
"What?" I asked
"Nothing..." she replied as she slowly sipped her tea
I sighed as I looked at her and said, "I'll explain everything later, okay?"
She smiled and nodded. I chuckled and stood up, putting my cup in the sink, "I'll do the dishes after," I said, pointing at her in a falsely threatening tone "please don't do them."
I had nothing else to wear than what I already had on, so I put my shoes back on and left the apartment, going downstairs to wait for Peter. I didn't really know why he didn't want to talk in his room but whatever. I closed my eyes and tipped my head back, letting my hair fly in the wind. I heard the door behind me open, close, then footsteps and nothing, and then I knew he was next to me, plus I could feel the right side of my face burning under his gaze.
"What did you want to talk about?" he finally asked, making me stand up straight and open my eyes
"Look, I don't really know how to phrase it properly but," I paused, looking ahead "I'm really sorry for everything I put you through directly or indirectly. I know you haven't really forgiven me and that it's more of a facade, but I wanted you to know that if I could, I would change my whole life so that you wouldn't have to go through what you went through," I paused again, my face devoid of any emotion, looking straight ahead, not letting the sadness, regret, and pain show "yea... that's all I wanted to say." I smiled slightly at him and turned around to go back into the building
"I'm trying, you know?" he said, stopping me in my tracks. I slowly turned back to him and he came up to me, "I'm really trying to forget what you did and forgive you, but," he said with a heavy sigh "it's really hard. You killed my parents after you left me, for God's sake! That's not something that can be erased from memories so easily. You killed the only people who ever cared about me when I was just a fucking kid."
I looked at him, bewildered by what he had just said, and inwardly deciding if I wanted to respond to that or not.
"My parents loved me with all their hearts, they would have done anything to protect their child."
That was it, I had to retort.
"You talk like they weren't my parents too! Like I wasn't their child too! I was but that didn't stop them from abandoning me! Do you know why your perfect parents left me in an orphanage when I was only 7? Mmh, do you fucking know, Peter!?" I asked
"Because they didn't love you!"
"BECAUSE THEY KNEW I WOULD HAVE STOPPED THEM FROM EXPERIMENTING ON YOU! They knew I would have done anything to protect my little brother from their fucking tests! You think they loved you? You think they cared about you? You were just a tool for a purpose Peter, you are just a successful experiment! How do you think you got all your spider powers? By magic? Fuck no, they had you bitten by a genetically modified spider and then erased your memories from back then."
"I don't believe you." he said, his voice shaking and slowly walking away from me
"Then don't, Peter," I sighed, giving up "but before you accuse me of anything else wrongly... do your fucking research."
And just like that, I opened the door and walked back into the apartment, leaving Peter alone as the rain began to fall.
Peter Parker POV
I didn't want to believe what she had just told me but I had to face the fact that she must have been right. First of all, she wouldn't have said something like that if it wasn't true and secondly, the nightmares I started having about times I didn't remember, I could recognize the time frame and it was always around my 2-7 years old, said Emerson's abandonment to the death of my parents. I had memory lapses throughout that time and what Emerson said could be a real reason.
I might have stood still for a few long minutes, as the cold rain fell on me, before deciding where to go and what to do. I started running and shoot a web, I propelled myself and swung at the buildings. Contrary to what I told May, I wasn't going to go see Ned and Mj, they were celebrating Christmas with their families anyway. I had a place I really liked to go to be alone with my thoughts, I had never told anyone about it and I planned to keep it that way. It was Emerson who showed me this place actually, we went there one night, I think... I don't quite remember.
A few blocks away from it, I jumped to the ground and ran a hand through my hair to straighten it. I looked around for someone who might have seen me and seeing no one I left the dark alley I was in. I walked towards the restaurant and entered, sitting in a booth at the back of the room.
I was in an Italian restaurant and their gelato was the most delicious thing, after Emerson's hot chocolates of course. I ordered three scoops of chocolate ice cream and leaned back in my seat. Despite the fact that the restaurant was Italian, the interior was decorated like an American restaurant straight out of the 70s or 80s. The red color of all the chairs matched the beige of the tables, the floor was paved with black and white tiles, and music from previous decades was playing. But what I loved most about this restaurant was the constant noise and yet the certain privacy and discretion that one could have. As soon as it got dark enough in the restaurant, colored led lights would come on, creating an evening atmosphere almost all day long (in winter anyway).
I was pulled out of my thoughts when the waiter placed my ice cream in front of me, smiling at me. I looked up at him and smiled back.
"Hey Harry," I said "how are ya?"
"Working," he said with a laugh "what are you doing here this morning?"
"Thinking." I replied
"See you later?" he asked me as he slowly walked away
"Sure." I said as I watched him leave
Harry was, in a way, a friend. He had been working in the restaurant since I found it and we became fast friends. He was taller than me and had wavy brown hair. Since he was Italian, he had a tan almost all year round and was extremely handsome. And I know this because every day girls would ask him for his number or look him up and down. But what they didn't know was that he was already with a man, Gus, really nice guy, by the way.
As I ate, I thought about what Emerson had told me, that my parents were using me, that I was just a tool. I think I believed her, I mean it would make more sense than all the weird ideas I had in my head.
2 or 3 hours later, I paid and left after saying a few apologies to Harry. I needed to talk to Mr. Stark, so I swung - just kidding, I took the bus because Mr. Stark was like a father and he didn't like me swinging around all the time, he said I could get hurt. Which didn't make any sense since I was an Avengers, but whatever.
After an hour of public transportation, I pushed open the door to the Avengers complex and headed for the elevator. Inside, I pressed the button for the lab level and took a deep breath, mentally preparing myself for the discussion to come. I knocked on the glass door and saw Tony smiling at me and waving me in.
"Hey kid," he greeted me "how are you?"
"Fine, thanks Mr. Stark." I smiled and sat down on one of the couches, facing him
He looked at me and sighed, sitting down next to me, he put one of his hands on my shoulder.
"What do you need to talk about?"
How...never mind.
"My parents."
"Well," he said, surprised "I wasn't expecting that. What about them?"
"I had a... discussion with Emerson and she told me that I was - an experiment," I explained, looking down at my hands "I wanted you to help me do some research on it. Please."
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A/N: well, I'm fucking sorry about the long wait, and to be honest I wasn't going to post another chapter before a long time as I'm having difficulties to find time and ideas for the 30? 31 chapter I don't remember, anyway... but I wanted to thank you for the 7k reads, it really means a lot to me, especially right now as I'm kinda having troubles in life and school. Anyway, I'll stop bothering you with my problems and I hope you liked this chapter.
By the way (I know I'm not going to have answers but ah), did you guys liked that we got to see Peter's POV or you prefer staying on Emerson or Bucky? Also let me know, if you wanna see anything happening by the end of the book. Okay, that's it
Hope you have a good day/night, love you 3000 <3
17th April 2022
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