The sun barely blared on the horizon, feeling lazy and sleepy along the skyline. It was as though the sky was trying to hold itself back at the uncertainty of what lay ahead of it's dawn, trying to hold onto yesterday after yesterday. Frank watched from the bay window of the foyer, resting his head against his left arm that was settled against the side of the glass, diamonds of dust and the dim sunlight floating across the stale inside air. He took a deep breath and just as deep a gulp of coffee that he had just brewed, feeling a little bit elated and whole lot lost. Sure, they had a plan of how to find Jake, but what about if it works? What then? The only things that crossed his mind were those that he knew that Gerard would completely detest. He would have to make sure to ask when he woke up, but he felt queasy at just the thought of asking. After everything, he was getting another chance at what he didn't do in the past to make things right, regardless of where it took him from there. He would rather live his last days in a confined prison cell, a penitentiary, sitting on death row waiting for a needle full of FDA approved, prison grade poison than let the one person that stole everything from himself and the people he loves walk free. How badly he wanted to feel that fucker's neck beneath his hands and the pop of each vertebra breaking from one another like a string of stale popcorn after Christmas. To watch the life leak out of his eyes seconds at a time to make up for all the tears that fell because of him. That just wouldn't be fair to Gerard, and he knew that would be a scar from his own hands, a blade he would use to tear his boyfriend apart and watch bleed out from his actions, and Frank just couldn't live with that. He pondered another way, staring at the horizon as though big and boisterous banners would tumble over with answers.
Gerard's eyes shot open as he felt a cold hand fall on his exposed forearm, gasping and pulling away at the sensation. He bolted upright and whipped his head around the room so quickly he felt dizzied. "Woah," he grabbed his head, willing the whirring in his head to calm down. "What the fu-"
"I'm so so sorry. I didn't mean to startle you." A shy voice whispered in front of him, way too close.
A girl with long, curly hair was standing in front of him, rubbing a hand over her pale arm. Her lips were tightly pressed together and her eyes were staring hopefully down at Gerard. He fought down a shocked gasp and used his hands to push himself up from the bed, feeling flustered at her presence. How did she get here? Who was she? Had Frank let her in? He stood in front of her, bending over slightly observing her for clues. She didn't look familiar at all, but she knew his name and was staring at him as though he were her savior, full of hope and her gaze practically begging him for mercy, but for what? "Uh," Gerard's mind was void of words, full of confused sounds. "Who are you?"
"Oh, I do apologize for my lack of manners," she extended a hand to Gerard. "I'm Kristin."
He reached out to collect it in his when he realized that there was nothing there to grasp. His hand completely fell through, feeling a thick cold cloud of air where her fingers were held out to him. Her thumb stuck upwards and her pointer and middle fingers slightly curled inwards and her pinky seemingly too distant from the others. Gerard noticed she was entirely missing her ring finger as the rest of her fingers pulled towards her palm as if she could feel the warmth of Gerard's handshake. "Are you..." Gerard caught himself. "I'm sorry if this is a bit rude... Are you dead?"
Her curls bounced around her face as she nodded, shamefully looking away from him. "I've been trapped here for years and... And I just can't do this anymore. You've got to help me." It sounded like she was crying but no tears fell from her eyes.
"I'm... I just..." Gerard bit over his lip, looking around his room. "How can I? Help that is?"
"You've got to set me free." She fell to her knees, her back arched in sobs that never fell. "Please... I just want to move on..."
"Kristin," Gerard crouched down, stooping over the heels of his feet. "I would definitely help you, but I'm confused how I could. I don't even know you."
"He killed me and now I... It's like I see him everywhere... I can't get away from him even though I'm dead..." She was shaking more and more. "It's like it's part of his torture..."
"Who did this?" Gerard leaned forward, reaching over to comfort her only to remember that he physically couldn't even touch her. "Who killed you?"
"I don't remember," her voice trembled with her body. "Just how he looks. I feel him watching me. Even right now."
"Tell me," Gerard leaned closer to her. "Tell me what he looks like."
"He..."
"Gee? Baby?" Frank called from down the hall, his footsteps urgently vibrating the floor.
Gerard sharply twisted his head towards the doorway and when he turned his back to Kristin she had vanished. Frank found Gerard kneeling on the floor, his hands on the carpet as he looked all around. "Gee? What're you doing?" Frank crept closer. "Did you lose something?"
"Do you know any girls named Kristin?" Gerard pushed himself upright.
"My ten year old cousin's name is Kristin..." Frank pursed his lips in confusion.
"Not like... Someone who went missing." Gerard slapped his forehead with the palm of his hand.
"No, sorry," Frank watched Gerard run to the closet and quickly dress, watching his boyfriend fold himself into the same outfit from yesterday. "Care to elaborate, Sherlock?"
"A girl was just here asking me to help her," Gerard fastened the buttons on his cuffs quickly, folding them properly as he turned towards Frank. "Telling me she was murdered and that he's the one haunting her."
Frank's eyes widened. "Holy shit. Do you think...?"
"I don't know, Frankie," Gerard walked around the bed and out the door, Frank following him downstairs. "But it sure as hell is some fucked up circumstance, isn't it?"
"I'd say so," Frank tailed Gerard into the kitchen where he filled a thermos with coffee and then made his way to the door. "Where're we going?"
Gerard swung his arms around as he cloaked himself in his trench coat and wound a grey and black striped scarf around his neck, tucking it beneath the collar so it puffed out dramatically. "To find answers, Watson."
Frank grinned cunningly and grabbed his own jacket as he trekked behind his boyfriend and out the front door to the car.
They found themselves at the library once again, Gerard on a mission as his boots echoed over the tiles to the computer desks. The librarian shot a look in their direction at the noise. Frank mouthed out I'm sorry and nudged Gerard. "Hey, maybe slow it down a little? I can barely keep up."
A slow, coy smile tugged up as Gerard eyed Frank in response as he took a seat at the bench and motioned for Frank to join him. The web browser loaded up and as soon as the homepage opened, Gerard's spindly fingers brushed quickly over the keys. "Pass me some scrap paper, will you?" Gerard pointed to the pile next to Frank. "And a pencil, please?"
Frank collected a few squares and a stubby pencil with no eraser and put them between himself and Gerard who was already glued to the screen and scrolling down a news article. The bluish hue from the pixels of the screen doused Gerard's face in a cool glow and Frank could see his eyes flit from one side of the screen to the other and down. He was completely transfixed in whatever he was reading and his mouth formed a thin line with each sentence that he read. He snatched one of the paper squares and the pencil and began writing without looking away from the website. "Frankie," Gerard broke his gaze from the computer and looked to his boyfriend. "You have to read this."
Gerard pulled the monitor so it was angled towards Frank and as he began reading he noticed that Gerard was watching him with a saddened look. Kristin Cavallo, age 17, went missing the night of Saturday, November14th, after last being seen with a group of friends at Belleville High School's annual Sadie Hawkins dance. Her parents didn't expect her home that night, but after interviews with witnesses, that was the last that anyone reported remembering seeing her. The last account after countless testimonies was that of a chaperone from the dance, Mrs. Dianne Torrence, who claimed the now missing girl was seen arguing with an adult man outside of the gymnasium who she couldn't identify as any other chaperone or guest of a student. "At first glance, the man appeared to be in his early to mid twenties, but he could have been older. I was trying to keep an eye on them as Kristin seemed distressed, but I also had to make sure that I kept the other students under control as school dances are notorious for fondling and groping that is strictly against code. I didn't notice them leaving, but after removing myself from a situation between two girls fighting inside the auditorium, I went to check on them and they were gone."
Before Frank finished the rest of the article, he noticed another link that had already been clicked on, it's color a faded purple instead of a bright blue. Gerard clicked open the link to another window and continued watching Frank with worry as he sucked his bottom lip into his mouth. The linked article loaded onto a blurred out image of a mutilated body that had Frank choke on a breath. The title read Sadie Hawkins Missing Turned Murder. It was dated just before Christmas of that year. Frank read over the text, finding himself inching closer and closer to the screen. The search for 17 year old Kristin Cavallo has been closed and a homicide file has been opened surrounding the found victim. Detectives followed a random lead that led them to the Passaic River just outside of Kearny late Tuesday evening and found a disfigured body that was later identified as the missing youth. Coroners and forensic specialists were rushed to the scene and began unravelling a gristly story of Cavallo's finality. "The victim had been brutally raped and sodomized that we believe caused internal hemorrhaging breaking into her stomach cavity. There were post mortem lacerations around her pubic area and breasts. We won't be able to confirm precisely the cause of death until we do an autopsy, but this is what my team and I believe at the time."
Not one article of clothing was found left with the victim who was completely naked, left dead at the water's side. Chief Inspector Kobell of the New Jersey State Police speculates that this death could be tied to other missing persons and murder cases that have been open for years and going cold. "The killer always takes a piece of his victim, not something of value, but an actual part of them." Kobell explains. "In this case, her right ring finger was found severed down to the lower knuckle of the hand and is nowhere to be found. It was cut at the flesh and broken at the bone which shows more intricacy than some ravaging animal from the area. It's very reminiscent of the West Hudson Park murder. My team and I are racing to find the culprit and ensure all the good people of New Jersey are safe from this terror."
"Kobell was the cop that was investigating Jamia's..." Frank didn't want to use that horrific four letter word. "Attack. And this..." He looked up to find Gerard's expression recognizing the same lines that Frank had drawn. "It's so similar... The cuts and... And the..."
"You don't have to say it, Frankie," Gerard whispered. "I know what you're going to say and my mind went to that same place."
"So... We were right." Frank's voice was hoarse and hurting. "There are more victims... Because he went free."
The room felt way too small, the ceiling was falling down onto him and the windows were pushing in with the forced air from the outside. Frank clattered out of his seat and moved with drunken steps towards the exit. Gerard closed out the windows on the computer and grabbed his notes, tucking them in his coat pocket as he ran after Frank to the parking lot. Frank fell sideways onto the gravelly wall of the building, his cheek scraping against it's rough surface and scratching open tiny cuts that freckled his face with blood. It was all spinning around him in a vacuous hole at the center of his universe. He could have stopped all of this from happening, but he thought what he was doing was right. That feeling in the pit of his stomach that roiled and rumbled sensing that things still weren't right was just what he had thought and he should have trusted it. Small breaths circulated in and out so quickly, his hyperventilation spinning everything out of control and making everything around him obscure and out of focus, except for Gerard who was standing whole against the watercolor of shapes that buzzed around him, stepping closer and closer reaching for him. "Frankie," Gerard slid an arm around Frank's waist, gently pulling him from the wall and onto his shoulder. "Come on, let's get to the car and I'll light you a cigarette and try to calm you down."
Babbles of gibberish stumbled out of Frank's mouth, even he didn't know what he was trying to say as Gerard led his floppy feet as straight as he could towards his car. The passenger door was pulled open and Gerard gingerly sat Frank down onto the seat and adjusted his feet into the wheel well under the glove box. The surrounding air felt both like a furnace and an igloo in the confines of the car's cabin. Gerard let himself in on the driver's side, watching Frank's flushed face dewy with sweat and shivering. He extracted a pack of cigarettes from his breast pocket, shaking two out from the paper sleeve and holding them both between his lips as he held the lighter over both tips. Gerard plucked one out and offered it to Frank who took it between his quaking fingers. "You're having a panic attack, Frankie," Gerard cracked both of their windows and twisted in his seat. "It would be completely redundant of me to tell you that you have to calm down as that isn't as simple of a task as someone might think, but it'll do good if you tried your best to focus on a good memory or calm your mind with some meditation. Something that you find relaxing. Unless you want one of my panic pills."
Gerard's voice soothed him a little, but it was like dousing a housefire with a teacup of warm water. "I... I've never had one this... This bad..." Focusing on his words felt like running laps. "Maybe... Maybe I'll take you... Up on that offer."
"Trust me, I totally understand," Gerard searched his inside pocket of his jacket and removed an orange pill bottle, shaking two small tablets out onto his hand. "That's why I have them... Because sometimes you need more help than you're able to serve yourself."
He folded his fingers over the pills on his palm and inverted his hand over Frank's lap, waiting for him to reach out for them. Frank's hand rose slowly and wobbly from his lap. "Do you need my help, Frankie?"
"No... No... I'm... I'll be alright," Frank held his hand still with his other as Gerard dropped the two pills.
Frank dipped his head down close to his hand and threw the pills into his mouth and collected Gerard's thermos of coffee, taking a sip to chase them down. "Not too much, Frankie," Gerard reached over and took the thermos back as Frank leaned back against the headrest. "Caffeine plus panic attack equals more intense feelings of said panic attack."
"I promise I... Only took a small... Sip." Frank took a breath between drags of his cigarette.
Gerard sighed audibly, eyeing Frank up and down. "I'm sorry... I feel like I did this... I just felt like you had to know. I don't want to keep things from you and let them fester inside of me, feeling like I'm lying to you. Especially since you're just as involved in all of this as I am."
"I'm glad you told... Me." Frank felt the pressure behind his eyes and in his chest that ran up his arms loosen. "I needed to know."
Even though the day was chilly, the sun heated up the inside of the cabin trapping it's heat through the glass windshield. It took a bit, but the crushing push all throughout his body tapered and waned, leaving Frank feeling back to normal and a little drowsy. When he moved his head or saw people walking or cars driving by, there was a reverb that shadowed the movement. Gerard was watching Frank, leaning on the top of his crooked hand that jutted out from where he was resting his elbow between the spokes of his steering wheel. He smiled forlornly at Frank who was melting into the passenger seat. "I think the medicine has finally kicked in, hmm?" He raised an eyebrow from his position. "Feeling better, Frankie?"
"Well, I think it's passed," Frank exhaled. "But I can't stop thinking about it all."
"I wish it could block all that out, but it can only do so much, sweetie," Gerard sat up in his seat, moving to buckle himself.
"Wait," Frank sat up and grabbed the steering wheel, freezing up.
"Frankie?" Gerard drummed his fingertips over the plastic of the wheel with one hand and caressed Frank's tight grip with his other.
"Before we head home," Frank held the thin plastic tighter, trying to force out the request. "Can we stop somewhere?"
"Of course," Gerard's caress moved up Frank's wrist, forearm, past his shoulder, and to his cheek. "Anywhere you want."
The car glided over the potholed streets of Belleville, winding through stray ranch houses and department stores that littered the sides of the highway, stopping at stoplights just a block apart until the turn signal triggered and they turned into a small parking lot that was partially paved and partially loose gravel. Gerard found a paved spot, it's yellow lines faded to just specks of off white. "Can I come with you?" Gerard put the car in park and shut off the engine.
"Why would I say no?" Frank was staring straight ahead, his hand frozen on the door handle. "What if I told you that I needed you with me?"
"Well, I just wanted to be sure you didn't want your privacy," Gerard rolled his fingers over the steering wheel. "And you know that whenever you need me, I'll always be right next to you no matter what."
"No matter how private something may seem, I would never want to leave you out. You're a part of me. The most important part of me." Frank lifted his head to look at his boyfriend.
"Frankie," Gerard turned to his right, his knees knocking against the center console. "You are the most important part of you, not me. A romantic partner is a compliment to you, not it's core. I'm so happy to be with you, but my being with you doesn't justify your existence or give you meaning. That can be a part of it, but not it's whole."
Frank simply nodded, sniffling and wiping at his face with his open hand. "I'm a little scared, Gee."
"I know," Gerard leaned over, pecking a kiss on Frank's cheek. "But you'll be happy you did this."
The driver's side door creaked open and then shut, sending shivers up Frank's spine as he shut his eyes and took a deep breath, his hand still frozen of the handle of his door. He felt his arm pull out from his lap as Gerard opened the passenger side door, entwining their fingers together as he collected Frank's hand from it's position on the now open door. Frank squeezed hard as he took another breath to steady himself as much as he could and opened his eyes that were blurry with tears around his vision. He had never been here, but it was like a GPS was opened in his head from one of his visions, guiding him over the asphalt and gravel to the grass and weaving through stone after stone, finally finding a path that pulled him closer to what he sought. With each step, he could feel it getting closer and closer and it terrified him and chilled his bones under their sweaty muscles of meat. He pulled his eyes closed again as his feet continued on their path and then stopped, pivoting his body so what he had come here for and what he feared to look at loomed in front of him, making him feel only an inch high despite his short stature. Frank took another rickety breath, feeling Gerard massaging his hand and leaning his head on his shoulder nuzzling against him. "It's okay, Frankie," Gerard's soothing voice wrapped around him. All this time he had promised to keep Gerard safe when he was doing just the same.
After a final breath, Frank opened his eyes in the harsh sunlight that saturated over everything around them. He whined low in his throat as tears sprung from his ducts down the curves of his face. Directly in front of him stood a headstone with the name Ender Jay Iero carved on the thick stone. Frank's lips stretched over his face as he tried to contain himself standing over his dead son that was buried six feet deep below where they stood. "I... I can't do this," Frank twisted into Gerard, feeling his coat saturate with his tears.
"Yes, yes you can, sweetie," Gerard softly rubbed his hands over Frank's back. "You're here. You did it. Talk to him. Talk to your son."
Frank relaxed his grip on Gerard and slowly turned back around, getting to his knees. He stared at the tombstone and let his hands run over the letters before they dropped to where the grass was neatly trimmed at it's base. There was a light touch of moss at the bottom corners of the stone that felt soft and downy compared to the sharp pricks of grass. Gerard's shadow lay next to them on the ground, a strong pillar that barely moved. "Hhey Ender," the name was bittersweet on his tongue, so beautiful but he didn't even have a face to put it with, only the shriveled mass from the surgery ward that he envisioned. "I know that we've never... Never really met," Frank trembled, squeezing his hands into his lap. "And that I held your spirit just once, yesterday, but... Well, ever since your mmmom and I found out about you... We both felt so much love for you and were just so excited to mmmmeet you."
He looked up and over his shoulder at Gerard, his eyes were shimmering in the sunlight as he thumbed below his eyes, staring down at him with a broken smile. "That... That never got to happen," Frank continued, his voice picking itself apart as he struggled through his heart climbing up and lodging itself in his throat. "Now you've got your mmmom there for you and maybe one day I'll be able to mmmmeet you, too."
Everything was running and bleeding and falling down around him leaving just the small patch of mossy grass, him on his knees, and the stone name of his dead son. Nothing else. The sounds of distant traffic and the toll of the town clock tower and all the ambient noises in nature were muted, his voice booming and shuddering around him, an echo in an empty amphitheater making the slightest cough deafening. "I'm so fucking sorry, Ender. None of this was supposed to happen. You were supposed to be born, to grow up, to change the world for the better. If I could make a deal with the devil I'd bring you all back and take your place in whatever hell would take me thrice fold. I love you so much. I think about you every day. Even though I never knew you except for the small kicks and pushes through your mom's stomach and watching you squirm on the ultrasound screen, I will never stop loving you. Never."
The tunnel vision faded away, letting the sounds and backdrop ease itself back into view all around him as Frank continued sitting on his knees, staring at the cold rock in front of him. All the thoughts from everything that led to this moment right now strung up in a line inside his head. Bobby confronting Jake, Jamia in the hospital, the confrontation on the football field. Memories that always sliced through his heart and tore him to pieces that he burdened himself responsible for, but this time, although he still felt remiss and grieving, he felt everything bubble and boil together into a thick concoction of reprisal. A rebirth to make things right and also to get things right this time around. This time he wouldn't fail, he would succeed and he would condemn the guilty and guarantee persecution. This time, Jake would be begging him for mercy that which would never come.
He scrunched his hands into fists and stared so hard at Ender's grave he had to tear his gaze away, worried he was focusing so hard that he would shatter the rock to pebbles. Pushing himself upwards, he found purchase on the grass underneath him to steady himself as he stood stark straight, wiping the chlorophyll from the knees of his pants. "Come on, Gee," Frank this time led his boyfriend towards the car.
"You going to be alright, Frankie?" Gerard called out from behind him, clicking the button on his key fob to unlock the car.
"With time," Frank responded, circling around the trunk of the car to the passenger seat. "And I think I know how I can start to finally begin to heal."
"Did you have some sort of an epiphany?" Gerard asked, buckling himself into his seat.
"More like an awakening," Frank clicked his own belt secure as Gerard backed out of the parking space and struck his turn signal towards their way home. "But we have to make one final stop for this to begin and also to end."
Gerard paused at the entrance to the car park, his eyes twinkling with recognition and pulling the lever down to signal that they were heading a different direction. One that promised so much that they wanted to gain and something lost.