Winter was in a foul mood. She was in the foul mood to end all foul moods. An evening in her childhood bedroom eating ice cream, watching horror movies and ignoring her phone had done nothing for that feeling in the pit of her stomach. It was a swirling anxiety, as if cockroaches had nested in her belly and thousands of babies had hatched. She felt awful.
She'd spent the day at college pretending to work. Pretending to listen to her lecture, staring at a sheet of blank paper during still life. Really she'd been thinking about Karina. Couldn't stop thinking about Karina. About her touchs and those eyes. Those eyes had silenced Winter the first time she saw them. It had been the first day of college and she'd been excited to meet her new roommate, except when her roommate had stood up from where she'd been making her very neat bed Winter had been met with expressive feline eyes, long lashed and beautiful and she'd stumbled over her words. Winter was an artist, she had an eye for beauty, her soul grew exponentially when she was around it. Meeting Karina, knowing Karina, it felt like her soul had expanded to fill all of earth because Winter had honestly never known anyone as beautiful. And it wasn't just those eyes, the pretty, gorgeous eyes, and those cheekbones, that beautiful nose and those gorgeous pouty lips and the cute mole. It was so much more than that.
Karina was solid. Dependable. But not in the way everyone usually meant solid and dependable. Well, in those ways for sure, but in another way that Winter considered uniquely Karina. Karina was solid and dependable in all her interactions. She made tough calls, but always made the right one. She had rules for herself and she didn't falter. And those rules covered nearly every aspect of her life. The manner in which she treated the people around her had always been impeccable, had been with kindness, understanding and appropriateness.
Appropriateness was such a random attribute, but it was the one that made Karina who she was. It made Karina wonderful. It made her special because she always treated the people around her exactly as was appropriate for who they were, and with the dignity they deserved.
Karina had kept texting her throughout the day - it had been obvious Winter was upset, what with the way she'd run out of there. She'd read the texts reluctantly, unsure how to answer. Was she ok? Did she want Karina to cancel her date? Karina told her that her date was at four and Winter just didn't want to know.
The problem was that she didn't want Karina to cancel the damn date because she had asked. She didn't want Karina to want to go on it in the first place. She had abandoned all pretence at working on her art project at about two in the afternoon. Work was going nowhere. She'd headed for a bar near their apartment planning to drink herself into oblivion even if it was only half past two, but just couldn't. Couldn't do anything to quell the feeling in her stomach. So she'd left her first drink half finished and headed for home hoping she could just go to bed, fall asleep and wake up feeling better.
She climbed the stairs to the fifth floor rather than taking the elevator and was so frustrated with her desire to cry that she slammed the front door aggressively when she entered the apartment.
"Now, now, Winter. The Jeons would kill you for that," Aeri tutted.
"Who the fuck cares? Let them kill me," she all but growled.
"What crawled up your bum and died?"
"Nothing," Winter carelessly kicked off her paint splattered converse and glared at her friend sitting in 'the chair' like she was queen of the fucking world, "get out of my goddamned chair Aeri."
"The chair isn't yours."
"Get out of the chair," Winter grit her teeth.
"No."
"Aeri, get out of the fucking chair," she grabbed Aeri and tried to haul her out, managing to pull the surprised girl to the floor before launching herself victoriously into the chair, and ignoring Aeri laughing out her shock on the floor.
"What the actual fuck Kim? How old are you? I understand when you fight Karina for the chair, pretending your flirting is all desperation for a seat of leather, but seriously? You wanna start fighting me too? Trust me, I'm not gonna fall into bed with you!"
"Fine. Have the fucking chair," Winter stood and glared at her before stalking out of the living room and heading to her bedroom. The first thing she noticed was, of course, the neatly made bed. The only time Winter ever made the bed was when she put on clean sheets, but of course she'd left a half naked Karina in her bed and Karina was a bed maker. Karina wouldn't have felt right without tucking the base sheet in and straightening the duvet to within an inch of it's life and plumping the pillows. Karina probably aired the room too.
She sighed. She knew far too much about who Karina was and it made her brain hurt. She threw herself down on the bed and grabbed handfuls of duvet, tugging the edges from where they'd been neatly tucked under the mattress and then rolled from side to side to maximize damage. As if wrecking Karina's neatly made bed would take her mind off the girl. The girl she'd spent the day without seeing. The girl who was currently on a dessert date with some other fucking girl who wasn't good enough, who would inevitably hurt her. No Winter, she mentally chastised herself, the girl was with the girl she actually wanted and Winter's only job was to suck it up. She stopped rolling and closed her eyes.
"Sex with Ryujin?" That's what she'd asked, asked if Karina was thinking of sex with Ryujin and then she'd waited and Karina had shaken her head. It had been a shake. Karina wasn't thinking about sex with Ryujin. The only logical conclusion was that she'd been thinking about sex with her. But then, maybe Karina had only been talking about in that one moment? Or only about sex?
Winter huffed because this is what had plagued her all night and all day. That moment. The moment when Karina had shaken her head. That moment when it felt like they transcended from friends practicing, to something more. She didn't know how to explain it but it had felt different after that moment.
When the knock finally came on her door she ignored it, but Aeri came in anyway.
"You want to talk about it?" her friend asked.
"About what?" Winter snapped back, feeling the bed dip as Aeri lay down beside her.
"About how you're in love with Karina."
"Is it really that obvious?" Winter covered her face with her hands and growled.
"Yeah, dude, it's really that obvious."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"Kinda figured you knew."
"No," she shook her head. "I mean yeah...but also no."
"You adore her," Aeri shrugged,
"She's a cinnamon roll. What's not to adore?"
"You seriously didn't know you love her?" Aeri was staring at her and she huffed,
"No! I mean...she's special but no. But...maybe I always have. I mean I do have this list."
"A list?"
"Of Karina things," she flushed a little.
"Do you have a list of Aeri things? Ningning things?"
"No," she admitted and Aeri cackled,
"So tell me what's on your list of Karina things?"
"Well the first is that she's a cinnamon roll. I mean when I first met her she was so intimidating, but yeah...then I got to know her. She's really sweet and gooey."
"Next?"
"She's solid and dependable and really, always very appropriate. She's also really kind."
"Agreed. And yeah, very appropriate - that sure sums up Karina."
"She's this confident, badass lawyer girl. Smart and able to argue anything and speak up. She's confident that she'll be listened to whenever she's talking to others. And then there's this other side of her, the one she kept hidden - the fact that she's sexually inexperienced and not confident in that regard at all."
"Until now," Aeri pointed out and Winter smiled,
"Yeah, until now. And she's good at all that stuff. But you know, why wouldn't she be? She's a good listener and responds to instruction...she's a really fast fucking learner."
"I'll take your word on that!" Aeri gave her a quick squeeze. "Is that it?"
"You wish," Winter mumbled. "She's clever, I mean she can argue her way out of anything and when she can't she'll talk you into understanding her way of thinking. There's skill in that."
"True."
"She's got no family except for a cousin and an uncle, but I want to know what happened to them. I want her to tell me what happened."
"If she'd tell anyone it would be you."
"I know."
"You done?" Aeri asked and Winter shook her head,
"She's loyal. Fiercely so. To the point where she'll physically fight if the situation calls for it because despite her level headedness, she's a total hot head for someone being wronged, because like I said she's always appropriate."
"Any more?" Aeri arched an eyebrow.
"Lots. She's funny, but it's easily missed and people often accuse her of not having a sense of humour. But her jokes are these intelligent word plays, or gentle teasing, you know mocking me with a 'mockery is not the product of a strong mind.' And ok, so she doesn't descend into hysterics like us, not often anyway. She doesn't laugh out loud often either, but it doesn't mean she doesn't find things funny - she's just a contained person, someone who finds it easier to acknowledge the joke with a 'that's funny,' rather than laugh out loud."
"You've spent some time on this list, huh," Aeri gave her a look. "Not criticizing, I'm just...it's romantic, Winter."
"I didn't even realize I had a list, not until last night. Not until I went through the mental process of adding something to it..."
"What did you add?"
"You want me to skip ahead?" Winter asked.
"You mean the list wasn't done?" Aeri gave an exaggerated yawn.
"I'll go quick."
"Please do."
"Karina is full of emotions, but she's very good at hiding them. She loves coffee. She loves tequila too even if she doesn't get fall down drunk. She's less eloquent when she's drunk and yet more sincere in her interactions - more affectionate, more open, sweeter in a more obvious way. Karina is always sweet, it's just sometimes hidden under her steely determination."
"Maybe you should write your dissertation on Karina?"
"Fuck off."
"Hurry up."
"Karina's favourite television show is the Walking Dead but she's a sucker for rom coms when it comes to films. She love's her dining table."
"And don't we all know it."
"She's got a teddy on her bed, which she claims she hugs at night to keep her spine aligned correctly, but I think it's because it makes her feel safe. She calls teddy bears 'monster slayers.'"
"She does? Oh my god, she's a little mushy monster," Aeri giggled affectionately.
"She didn't put up any photos before she got to know us. But in her desk drawer she has two old photos. One of her parents and a younger brother and one of her uncle and cousin. And I know she's only shown me. I want her to feel ok about displaying them."
"Poor Jimine."
"The next one is a sex one," Winter admitted ignoring the pity in Aeri's eyes because Karina wouldn't like it.
"Thank fuck, you were getting boring, you know?"
"I'm not going to tell you it," Winter rolled her eyes.
"Yes you are! You owe me. You've been talking about Karina for ten minutes and I'm still here...nearly dead from boredom, but still here."
"Fine," Winter rolled her eyes. "Karina makes this noise when she comes, a cross between my name and a whimper and it's such a good noise it makes my toes curl. I think it's my favourite sound."
"Aw mindoongie."
"She's a beautiful person. She's my best friend. I love her. I love having sex with her. I can't stop thinking about her because the sex has put into place and cemented something I've probably always known but never acknowledged - that I'm in love with her."
"That's was the thing you added to the list last night?"
"Yeah it was."
"So, why the surly mood?" Aeri curled into her side and hugged her.
"She's on a date with Ryujin."
"Really?" Aeri sounded taken aback. "Huh."
"Why say it like that?"
"I don't know...I just figured that she was in love with you too. I mean she looks at you like the sun shines out of your ass."
"The sun does shine out of my ass," Winter mumbled, "I can prove it if you want?" Aeri's words had caused a weird feeling deep in her stomach, a panic of indecision, the need to do something even though she wasn't sure what.
"Nah, that's okay Winter-ssi. We don't all want to see your ass as much as Karina."
"That's the only reason you think she feels anything?"
"I don't know," Aeri shrugged. "She just...treats you like you're special."
"I'm her best friend that's all," Winter sighed. "She's the special one."
"Winter, you're special too. And it's more than that. It's like she can't help herself. If she makes breakfast it doesn't matter if Ning and I are hollering for pancakes, she makes waffles because they're your favourite. Even when she's had a hellish day or night working on her crap she makes a point of squeezing in beside you on that chair as if she's checking you're ok. As if she needs the proximity because you make her feel better. She shares the damn chair with you as well. Karina's unwavering, unyielding for everyone but you. She has a plan, a course of action, a decision made, and that's it. A word from you and it's all dust."
"So why is she getting dessert with Ryujin?"
"Maybe because Ryujin asked?" Aeri offered and Winter sucked in a breath.
"But we've been having sex."
"She asked you for that."
"To practice for Ryujin."
"She doesn't like Ryujin. If she'd wanted to have sex with Ryujin she would have had sex with her."
"No," Winter shook her head. "It's not that simple."
"It is that simple. If Ryujin was the girl for Karina, then Ryujin would have helped her over her self-consciousness. Ryujin would have been the one to encourage her, to increase her self-esteem to the point where she's eating jam on toast in a bed because she hasn't eaten anything all day because she's been too damn busy having sex. If Ryujin was the girl for Karina it would have been her."
"Really?" Winter's heart had began to pound, adrenalin thundering through her veins.
"Winter," Aeri squeezed her tight. "Really."
"So what do I do?"
"Tell her," Aeri's plan. The most intelligent girl Winter knew had clearly not got a clue. She couldn't just 'tell her.'
"I can't just tell her," she scoffed, breaking free from Aeris hug and scrambling off the bed. She began to pace, back and forth, back and forth.
"Yeah you can."
"But she's on a date."
"So?"
"With another girl. I'm not the kind of girl that storms in jealously and breaks up a date."
"So you admit you're jealous?" Aeri looked annoyingly thrilled. Yes, yes she was jealous. She was so jealous her skin was crawling with the emotion. So jealous she wanted to run into the dessert place, take Karina in her arms and snarl, "Mine," at Ryujin before dumping her damn dessert on her face. "Okay," Aeri laughed.
"What do I do?" Winter all but growled and Aeri stood,
"Let's go to Ice. Get some dessert," she offered.
"They're at Ice?"
"Yeah."
"And what do I do when I get there?"
"I don't know. I don't think you'll have to do anything," Aeri shrugged. Winter looked down at her paint covered skinny jeans and floaty tank. Her hair was in a messy bun and she hadn't put on any makeup that morning because she hadn't taken any with her to her mother's.
"I look like crap."
"She won't care."
"Thanks for denying it," Winter glared at her.
"You look like you. You're always beautiful Winter, so quit your whining and let's get moving."
"Ok," Winter moved to her dresser and shoved on some lipstick and a squirt of perfume. "Fuck, ok..."