tw mentions of self harm
...
Ni-ki's eyelids forcefully opened, the sun already up to leave its searing heat for the rest of the day. The first thing he saw was the usual empty, blue sky with some faint clouds. It was still summer after all, he thought relieved. The weight on his forearm made him smile fondly.
"Heeseungie's still asleep." he whispered, his arm was numb because of the head on it, but Ni-ki didn't have the need to free it. He'll wait Heeseung to wake up.
"Riki-" Jungwon shouted, the other boys were already awake, since the day started. They were taking all the things in the back of the car and they had ordered some donuts and coffee from a cafe for breakfast. Ni-ki's head turned and he pressed his index on his lips signaling to Jungwon to shut up.
He felt Heeseung move his head on his chest instead. Now he placed both of his free hands on the other. He was crying yesterday. Ni-ki didn't want to make Heeseung sad.
I miss your smile.
His thoughts were interrupted when he heard his crush's humming, meaning he woke up. This smile bloomed again on Ni-ki's lips, the smile he has when he was just simply being with Heeseung. Jay noticed Ni-ki's reactions
The thought that Ni-ki was heels in love with Heeseung was always in Jay's mind. Nevertheless he never thought that Heeseung was that important for the youngest. Jungwon's boyfriend pressed his lips so the grin that was ready to escape and suffocated it in his mouth.
"Heeseungie, good morning..." the boy spoke shyly, causing Heeseung to smile.
"Good morning, fairy" the older responded delightfully and reached out Ni-ki's hand. On the other side, the younger felt a weird dizziness, the one you get after some shots. But the most noticeable nickname, his nickname made his yeasty heart shiver.
Heeseung was now sitting on the shore, next to Ni-ki when he heard the disconcerted whisper. "It hurts so much, it hurts..." the boy kept on saying gripping on his head. Maybe it was because of the yesterday's wine hangover and antsy thoughts but he felt like he was hurting.
"Niki-ssi are you ok?" Heeseung asked worriedly and caressed the younger's back, he distanced the younger's hands from his head and touched his cheek. "Niki-ssi do you need help? What bothers you?" he questioned again when he saw the boy sourly glaring at him.
"It hurts."
"What?"
"My heart... and it because of you." the younger said with his eyes facing the sand. It was so embarrassing when he raised his head. He saw Heeseung's pretty teeth in a well-formed smile. The other chuckled and whispered. "Oh yeah?"
"Yeah..."
"And how am I gonna fix it, sweetie?" he asked with raised eyebrows and the other's eyes opened wide when he felt so many rose petals flying freely in his lungs.
"N-Nothing... it can't be fixed. You already did the damage."
Heeseung just smiled and looked at Ni-ki. "You pervy creep." the latter whispered and smirked, failing to maintain eye contact both of them lowered their heads.
"Let's not start this discussion again, Niki-san." Heeseung gasped and pulled the younger in his chest. Ni-ki fought to get out of his arms but eventually gave up. "Don't pretend that you don't like that, kid."
"I'm not a kid and I could beat you up, so don't touch me."
"Should I let you go then?"
"No.." Ni-ki's muffled voice came out from Heeseung's shoulder, as the younger put his arms on the author's waist.
"I think that your heart would hurt less, if we went on a date tomorrow." Heeseung suggested.
"Yeah, it would still hurt, but less." Ni-ki agreed, his ears flushed once the 'date' word came out. "You sound different today."
What are doing to me, all of these stupid acts are not like me at all, but I still like to do them because of you.
"Wouldn't you like me better if I had a little bit firmness?" Heeseung asked unsure if he acts right.
"No, Heeseungie I like you the way you are..."
"So I should act like before?"
"Act however you like. I'll still love you, bambi."
"Bambi?" he raised his eyebrows when he heard the younger's mischievous giggles.
"Yeah, like the movie."
"Guys stop cuddling like those grandmas after the funerals and come to drink some coffee." Jay shouted, some steps away. "Ew romance." he mocked Ni-ki once he saw his red face when he distanced himself from Heeseung.
"I've never seen grannies hugging, but whatever Jay hyung says." Jake commented.
"Ok Jake hyung we're coming." Ni-ki answered annoyed completely ignoring Jay.
Both of them got up and headed to the others. Heeseung approached Sunoo and started talking with him, thinking that it could be awkward to stick with Ni-ki. On the other hand, Ni-ki headed excitedly to Jungwon and reanacted the whole situation this morning.
"I'm happy for you buddy, but you should eat something." Jungwon congratulated and fed his best friend a vanilla donut.
So Heeseung starts to be more affectionate.
...
"Man, you're birthday did pretty well!" Jungwon said to Ni-ki once they were in his room. They had showered and now the older landed on the bed. "We didn't even need to put our plan in work."
"Yeah..." Ni-ki agreed without paying attention. The whole time after they came back he was on his phone, texting someone.
"I like Heeseung and I want to marry him." Jungwon tested.
"Yeah.." the boy answered once again, before his phone was pulled. "Hey! What's wrong with you Won!?"he shouted.
"So you talk with Heeseung hyung again?"
"We haven't talked for days..." the other claimed embarrassed.
"You were cuddling and doing stuff the whole time, Riki."
"I mean before that..."
"But now we hang out together." Jungwon complained.
"If Jay hyung was here, I don't really think that you'd care..." he said quietly, already frustrated.
"What?" Jungwon asked. He got what the younger was trying to imply.
"I mean, that you only remember me when hyung is somewhere else." Ni-ki made it clear. He didn't want to be mean but that was the truth to him. Now that Jay had driven off Jake, Sunghoon and Sunoo, Jungwon decided to have a sleepover.
"What? Are you for real now?" Jungwon question in disbelief as he scoffed annoyed.
"Yes Jungwon." Ni-ki replied "Also stop saying to Heeseung that he's not good for me, it sabotages my relationship."
"Wh-, When did I even say that Riki?"
"You think that I didn't hear you talking about my private life to Heeseung?"
"Riki I-" Heeseung'd told him that his best friend was asleep.
"That's fucking bitchy Won. That's what I'm saying." the younger said spitefully "You think that I want him to have the impression of an alcoholic, fucked up bastard for me? Also why the fuck you even said I wanna be a lawyer and all the other bullshit? You always act as if you're some type of a holy angel or shit but in reality you manipulate all of us."
"I've never manipulated anyone and I've never said anything that way!"
Ni-ki chuckled and looked at the ceiling. "Didn't you tell me the other day that you're going with Jay hyung in the college so you will waste all his money or something? Also when did I give you the permission to go around and talk about me?"
"That's not manipulation in the first place and not even the point Riki. And your fucking Heeseung asked me." the other yelled back. "I did this for y-"
"Cut the bullshit Jungwon you won't make me believe you did it all for me. I'm not that naive."
"What the fuck Riki? Why would I wanna hurt you? We are friends since we were kids!"
"You like Heeseung. Admit it."
Jungwon gasped and landed his hands on his thighs out of frustration "So that's it Ni-ki. Tell it from the start and don't make me feel guilty. It's all about Heeseung hyung. Heeseung did this, Heeseung did that. To let you know, noone's even giving a fuck about this dude. You are really obsessed with him. At this point it's not even fucking love. To let you know, no I don't even like Heeseung hyung. And the fact that you even-" Jungwon couldn't continue talking anymore, his eyes glistened with tears while he was heading to the door. Why Ni-ki was thinking of him like a kind of enemy and manipulator who uses his boyfriend for money? Why he acted so spitefully?
"Jungwon-" Ni-ki reacted lost. He shouldn't be so pressed over something that minor.
"No Ni-ki, I'll leave you alone. So you won't have to get physical with me like other times. I don't even know you anymore and you don't know yourself too. You lose yourself in times like this. You tried to beat me up once. Do you remember Ni-ki? You were drunk and for the exact same reason you tried to hit me, for a fucking dude!"
The younger didn't reply, looking down.
"Don't I deserve an apology? I always go after your shit and clean it up. I didn't know that friendship is such a chore. You always pick them over me. Every time you have a fucking obsession, you forget immediately about me. The other time in the cafe you avoided me when you were Heeseung hyung. And for once I tried to be in a relationship and you're complaining about attention. I always try and try and try, I always forgive you. But you think that everyone is obligated to be nice to you"
"Won I-" Ni-ki approached him to hug him, but the older pushed him away.
"You're an adult, Ni-ki. You should learn to face your problems. Not everything's solved with a hug. Fucking grow up. You are not in a fantasy, you don't even know Heeseung that well. Where is he even from? Y-you trust him and in the end when he'll throw you away like everyone does, you'll run to me to comfort you."
"No he won't." the younger shouted.
"He fucking will, Ni-ki. And when he wil-" he stopped when he felt a slap. Tears were now thicker in his eyes after a short silence of shock. "Fuck you Ni-ki. You're fucking unbelievable, I'm the only one who cares about you and you, you just slap me? Well no more. Because you'll never even fucking see me." he smiled in disbelief, teardrops staining his cheeks. "You're so crazy and messed up that nobody's gonna love you and you'll end up alone because everyone will be done with you childish bullshit." he made his way to the front door. "Now go and slit your wrists. All alone. Like always!" he finally yelled and left.
These words. Like a deja vu in his ears, everything, all his senses felt like his dad.
And he left.
He just left.
Ni-ki fell on the floor and hid his face in his palms. He gripped his head again between his sorrowful sobs. All the things he said are running through his head. Everything was mixing up creating a sharp knife that repeatedly stabbing his heart, the sensitive string of tears was pulled harshly.
"Am I a bad person?" he whispered. "Am I a bad person?" he repeated multiple times as he formed a fist and started hitting his head. The tears in his neck chocked him. The pain was not so loud as the doubts. He couldn't find the boy he once was inside of him anymore. His voice was painfully loud in the empty apartment.
But nobody covered all the noise, all the misery. All he wants is Heeseung now. Heeseung and alcohol. He needs Heeseung to hold him and something to make him forget.
When his eyes dried up, he heavily got up and and walking side to side he headed to the kitchen. Two bottles of whiskey he always hided were now there. He started gulping and gulping feeling that there is no end.
Heeseung is not available right now. That's what the voice on the phone said once he clicked the number of the older.