Heeeeeyyyyyyyyy! I am so sorry for the long wait (if anyone's waiting but I have exams so)! So, here's the new chapter and the word count went over 4000 and I have actually did my research and worked really hard for this chapter. And my exams start in like two weeks and I am nowhere near done. Pretty fucked up, I know! SO yeah!
I'll leave you lot here. Have fun reading. I really hope this chapter reflects the effort I have put into it.
Verse of the chapter-
I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die just to breathe in
I am tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut-
-Harry's Pov-
HE LOOKED AT ME? He did.
"Oh, he was thinking how fucking ugly you look with those dead curls. And holy crap your face is a whole new level of hideous." My invisible 'friend' whispered yet again. This is getting annoying now. I mean I get and understand why the voice is saying the things it is saying. I deserve it.
A waiter in a red uniform walked up with almost everyone's orders in a trolley he was pushing. He placed all orders on our table and then turned to me, "Anything for you, Sir?" He asked. "No, thank you though. Um, could you get me some water please?"
"Sure." He smiled at me and walked away.
The rest of them dug in and I noticed how Louis and her were feeding each other. That's how I pictured myself with him and it hurt. Yepp. Whoever sat up there definitely held a grudge against me. It hurt. He didn't even like the mushrooms she was feeding him. Last time I checked he hated mushrooms. I chose not to say anything and looked back at my hands. My left arm felt numb. I placed my right palm over it and pressed it hard. There! The pain came back and it almost felt alright.
"Here you go, Sir." The waiter placed my glass of water in front of me. "Thankyou!" I replied and he walked away with a smile.
I took a sip out of it and then I felt the water and food from last night come right back up. I clamped my lips shut and took off for the restrooms as fast as my legs would carry me. Everyone at this damn restaurant was staring at me as if I was the eighth wonder of the world.
I ran inside the rest rooms and locked myself in a cubicle and poured out the contents of my stomach into the bowl. Once I thought I was done I straightened back up and heard someone come in.
"Harry, you alright in there?" So they sent Niall.
"I am fine." I unlocked the cubicle's door and walked out wiping my mouth on my sleeve. I then walked up to the taps, washed my hands and face.
"Haz, come on? Tell me, what's up?"
"Niall, I am fine. Please." I came off harsher than intended and Niall went quiet.
"I am sorry, I.." I turned to him and he just shook his head, smiled at me and walked out.
We went back and sat at the table. They were all almost done. He didn't look up. Not even once. I mean we were best friends at one point. Whatever happened to that?
"Oh he pretended all along, alright? But he realized you weren't worth it."
That hurt.
"He does NOT love you. He will not love you. EVER."
I didn't know how they came but they came like they always do. Those salty fuckers that make me look like the most pathetic, oxygen consuming, bag of shit that has or will ever walk the surface of earth.
Luckily, no one noticed or if they did they didn't say anything. And I wiped them off as quickly as they came. They are for when I am alone in my room and the entire world is asleep.
Soon we got up, they paid their bills and then we went back to our car where Paul was already waiting. We piled up inside once again and the engine roared to life and we were off.
"Where to now, guys?" Paul asked a little too loudly from the front and his voice echoed in my head a thousand times louder.
"Uh, Paul, if you could drop me off first?" She asked and Paul replied with a sure and we were on our way to drop her. Once we got there she hugged everyone and then she turned to me and whispered, "Take care, Harry." And I nodded. I don't know if she was being sarcastic or if she actually wanted me to take care of myself but I nodded. She then turned to Louis who was already staring at her with a smile, which literally felt like being stabbed with a gazillion daggers simultaneously. And then she leaned in and placed her lips on his and they were kissing. He was just as much into it as she was. That's three times in like six hours right in front of me. But as much as it hurt I couldn't stop looking at them. I couldn't stop looking at him. I couldn't stop thinking about how adorable he looked. I couldn't stop trying to imagine what kissing him would feel like. I couldn't stop imagining him running his fingers through my hair while we kissed. I couldn't stop. But obviously whenever has the world tried to cooperate with me?
I was thrown back into reality because of a moan coming from her. Okay. What the actual fuck? Who does that in front of four other dudes? And he was smirking. Oh god.
I felt jealousy surge through my veins and I hope she noticed how hard I glared at her because if looks could kill she would have been dead by now.
Once she got out the car began to move again and I rested my forehead against the window because I had no energy left. I was almost positive death would hurt less than this and at least my body wouldn't have to be numb.
"Paul, I am going to go back with the lads and stay the night so just drop us there." Louis yelled.
"You are coming to stay?" Zayn asked with excitement.
"Yeah, I am! My place is boring and I miss you guys." Louis replied and they all cheered because he was coming back.
We had a long drive back home and while on the way Louis fell asleep, his head resting on Liam's shoulder. And let me tell you how hard it was to stop myself from walking up to him and kissing the crap out of him. He snored occasionally which made him all the more adorable.
"Oh, for fuck's sake. HE HATES YOU! Get that through your thick head, fag!" And I ignored the voice for the millionth time today.
Once we reached back home, the rest of them started playing their video games and no one noticed how I came straight up to my room. I needed space after all that had happened today. Once in the comfort of my bed I finally let the tears escape. They kept flowing and the events of today kept replaying in my mind like a movie. It hurt. No, it was more than normal pain. 'Hurt' couldn't begin to explain what I felt. Pictures of them kissing, them feeding each other, Louis whispering something in her ear, her giggling kept coming back and they didn't stop. No matter how hard I tried. He loved her. Not me. He LOVED her. He probably didn't even consider me a friend anymore. No, he hates me. Louis HATES me. My Louis hates me.
"Yes! He hates you." The voice said, this time louder than all the other times.
"Can you shut up?"
"Make me!"
"I said, shut the fuck up up! Please! I have had enough. Please stop!" I tried to make my voice sound commanding instead I just ended up begging like a freak.
"You can't ever get rid of me, fag! At least I have the balls to tell you the truth when your so called friends can't."
"Please, give it a rest. I can't take it anymore. Please!"
"You know what to do, Harry. You know he hates you. You know what to do."
I don't know why I reached for my side drawer but I did. I don't know why I let my hands rummage through it but I did. I don't know why I picked up what I picked up but I did. And it welcomed me like an old friend.
I pulled up my left sleeve and I could see the blood that seeped out of the bandage because of me pressing the recent cuts earlier. I undid the bandage and placed the shiny little devil on my arm and dragged it across. All it created was a measly scratch which wasn't enough. It was nowhere near enough. I placed the blade back on my arm and dragged it across with a lot more pressure this time which did the trick. Droplets of crimson appeared on my pale arm and dare I say the pale and the crimson complimented each other really well. One cut still was nowhere near satisfactory. I kept dragging the cold metal across my already scarred arms and the blood kept oozing out and the pain felt like a I had found a long lost friend and we were catching up. I continued for what felt like ages until things around me started to blur. I took away the blade, wiped it on my dirty bandage and placed it safely in the back of the drawer. I took out a new bandage, wrapped it around my arm and pulled my sleeve down before cleaning up the bloody mess I had created around me.
And I don't know how time flew by but it did, which was a good thing because I didn't get to think and the voice hadn't bothered me in quite some time.
I was playing Dumb Ways To Die on my laptop which, as ironic as it sounds, is a fun game when someone knocked on my door.
"Yeah?"
"Dinner's ready." Liam opened the door and stuck his head in.
"I am not hungry, Li. Thankyou." I replied but my voice cracked in the middle.
"Seriously, though! How pathetic are you?"
"Harry, come on. You haven't eaten properly in days. Come on now!" Liam walked in.
"But I don't want to eat! What is wrong with all of you?" My voice came out harsher than intended. That's twice in two days, Harry! Get a hold of yourself, I thought to myself.
"I want you to eat so you will come downstairs and eat. Period." He replied calmly before walking up to me, removing my blanket. He then pulled me up by my wrists. Wrong move, Payne! I jerked my arms back because it hurt like a bitch and Liam stared at me in confusion.
"What was that?" He asked.
"What was what?" I tried to pretend.
"Never mind. Just come downstairs and eat with us, please?"
I nodded and followed him.
Once downstairs, we all sat around our usual places. When I say usual I mean Louis came around and sat where he usually did, which was next to me. The lads sat in their usual places. What was weird was Louis sitting next to me. Having him that close made me want to do things but of course that wasn't possible in any version of my reality so I just sat and stared at my food. Around me, however, the table broke down in chaos or whatever it is called when teenage dudes talk among themselves.
"Harry, the stuff in your plate is supposed to be eaten, yknow?" Niall asked.
"I know. I just don't feel like it. Sorry." I tried to reply but my voice came out as a whisper which, thankfully, he didn't ask me to repeat.
"Please eat. Just a little?" Zayn asked. And I nodded at him and picked up a fork. Niall and Zayn both nodded and smiled at me before the table broke down in all sorts of conversations.
I moved the food around with a fork before picking some up and chewing it. Swallowing it was harder than I imagined. I gulped it down with a glass of water. I took two other bites and that was it. I couldn't get any more of it down my throat. I knew in a minute or two I would have to run to the bathroom to puke my guts out because it never stayed down. The food didn't stay down for more than ten minutes.
So before I created a scene, I excused myself.
"But you have barely touched your food." Liam asked with concern dripping out of his voice.
"I ate as much as I could. I am sorry." I replied and came up to my room and just like I had predicted, the food came up within minutes. I ran to the toilet and threw everything up before sinking down next to the wall.
I have no idea for how long I sat there but eventually I got up, washed my face and walked out into my room. The clock showed eleven pm and I had no intention of going downstairs again so I just went back to my bed. I tried to sleep but my mind had decided to wander off in different directions. I just laid there, staring at the ceiling. A tear made its way down my cheek and it met with no resistance so it signaled the rest of his companions to proceed. I didn't know why exactly I was crying but I was crying and there was no stopping it now. The word 'crying' makes me cringe. It makes me sound vulnerable. It makes me sound like I am a child.
Someone knocked on the door and I quickly turned around and closed my eyes because I had forgotten to lock the door. They knocked for two more times and I heard the door opening and them walking in. That familiar scent. I could tell who it was from a hundred miles away. But he wasn't leaving. Why isn't he leaving? Hasn't he seen me sleeping, already?
"Haz?"
It took everything in me to not to reply to that beautiful voice. It took everything in me to not get up and crush him with a hug. It took all of my strength. The thing with Louis is that he drains me of my energy without knowing what he's doing.
"Haz, come on. I know you're not sleeping. Quit pretending."
I felt the side of my bed dip. It was getting harder to breathe. I felt my curls move. HOLY FUCKING. He was running his fingers through my hair. What even?
"Come on, Hazzy Pazzy! Up you get!" He said in a childish voice.
I couldn't resist. I just couldn't. I turned around to see him sitting beside me. The light from my lamp illuminated his face in the most beautiful way known to mankind and he just looked more beautiful than he already did.
I stared at him. I couldn't stop. I wanted to speak hurricanes and yet my mind refused to form coherent sentences and my tongue refused to move. My brain couldn't quite register the fact that he was sitting right beside me and he had been running his fingers through my hair just minutes ago. It seemed to me that my world had suddenly arrived upon a 'stop' signal because that is what happened. My world stopped right then and there. And I didn't know what to say. It has been ages. Almost three months, to be exact.
"Harry?" He broke the silence. I wish he hadn't. I had no intention of letting my attention divert from his face.
"Hmmm?" I replied, not bothering to come up with something relevant.
"Say something." He said.
"I am giving up on you." I bluntly replied and as soon as I realized what I had said my hand flew over to my mouth.
"Cheeky! I wish I remembered the lyrics." He smiled.
He smiled that beautiful smile at me. AT ME! He smiled because of something I said. If I could have dropped dead at this exact moment I wouldn't have minded because it was perfect. I would have been happy for the rest of eternity for having had my story ended in the arms of the love of my life but of course only Romeo had that privilege where he took Juliet to be dead and killed himself when she was, in fact, alive. And, God knows, I am no Romeo. Although, Louis will do justice to Juliet's character if he were to be casted in a play.
"Can I, um, get under the covers? It's freezing out here." Of all the things he could have asked, he chose to ask that. And I am thankful he did. And of course, who am I to refuse?
"Thankyou!" He whispered once he had settled himself in.
He was way too close. I could see his chest rising and falling a little too fast. Or I may be imagining things. But he was very close. And it would have been normal for us if one of us didn't have feelings for the other but I had to be doomed.
"Can we talk?" He asked, his voice still a whisper.
"About?" I asked.
I took my time to study his face. He wasn't like up close but he was close enough. I could see his beautiful, longer than manly, eyelashes that shielded his ocean blue eyes. I swear if I were to get lost in them I would never want to be found.
"Everything."
"Why?" I asked.
"Because, Harry, I miss you. And we need to begin again, I feel like."
"But..."
"No buts today, Harry. I need you. You know that!" He replied with his voice a little raised.
"Louis, I honestly do not want to talk about it!" I tried to wriggle out of it again. Because I honestly didn't want to tell him everything because I knew I would end up spilling the beans.
"I don't care, Harry! I have ignored you for so long and it has been painful." He whispered.
Oh, it has been painful for him! Alrighto then! Like it has been all rainbows and sunshine and cotton candies for me.
"So, where do you want to begin from?" He asked.
I made myself comfortable on the bed in front of him.
"I don't know. You wanted to talk so?" This will not end well and I just couldn't stop.
"How about you tell me what changed?" He began.
Oh boy!
"What do you mean?" I chose the 'pretend to not know what he's talking about' path. And he bought it.
"I mean, you like distanced yourself. Why is that? What changed between us?"
"That's what everyone wanted, right? Everyone wanted us to not have the 'typical gay boy band' image so that's what happened." I asked.
I just hope he doesn't see right through me because I've been told that I am shit at lying. People don't see through me but this is Louis we're talking about. He knows me inside out. Almost.
"But, Harry, that is in front of the cameras. I get that. What about our personal lives?"
He can't let shit go now, can he?
"I don't know, Lou. You moved out? You have different priorities now. You tell me about it?"
"I am still the same old Lou. I don't know what I did different. I don't know where I went wrong. I don't know if I've stepped out of line. I don't know what I did to make you hate me."
SHIT! He's so not blaming himself for this. I can't help but fall more in love with him, if that's even possible at this point.
"NO! NO! No, Louis! None of this, I repeat, none of this is your fault. If there's anyone that should be sorry, it is me! And, Louis, I could never hate you. EVER!"
With that I moved closer and wrapped my arms around his delicate little body. He responded by wrapping his arms around me. Just like old times. I breathed in his scent. It felt like this was the last hug we would be sharing for a long while and I wanted to take it all in. I wanted to store this in my memory forever. We stayed like that for god knows how long but it wasn't awkward. Not even a little.
"But I feel like it is my fault. I don't know. I am sorry. For everything." He whispered once we moved away.
"Lou, this is not your fault. Please don't blame yourself." I wanted to kiss those pouty lips. I wanted to hold him and kiss him until he believed it wasn't his fault. Until he believed that I didn't hate him. Until he believed that it was, in fact, quite the opposite of hate. But of course, we are just friends. That word, I swear!
"Why haven't you been eating properly?"
"What?" He caught me off guard! And my brain decided to go dormant and not help me fix up a lie. What was I supposed to say anyway?
"I, uh, don't feel like eating anymore." I replied. He eyed me carefully and said, "Harry, I would appreciate if you tried not to lie. Because really?"
"I don't know what you want to hear but I just DON'T feel like eating anymore." Again. I came off harsher than intended but if that makes him give up the subject then be it.
"Oh, right! As far as I remember, you wouldn't get out and about if you hadn't had your breakfast. You wouldn't even join rehearsals if you hadn't had lunch. You wouldn't sit down for movies with us or play video games if you hadn't had your lunch. So don't try to tell me you don't FEEL like eating anymore." He replied, all in one breath.
He noticed all that? CAN HE BE ANY MORE ADORABLE THOUGH? I felt butterflies going absolute bonkers in my tummy and I couldn't help but feel immense love for the light brown haired lad sitting in front of me.
"I don't know, Lou. I am sorry. Things changed." I replied while playing with my fingers that had become more interesting in the past few seconds.
"Yeah, exactly! What changed?" He pressed.
"I don't know! I am sorry." My heart pounded against my chest, blood pumping in my ears. My breath was running short and I had no idea how to overcome my problems without him noticing.
"Harry, look up at me!" He whispered or it felt like that anyway.
I didn't! I couldn't! I looked hideous. He'll hate me. I could feel droplets of sweat collecting at my forehead and it was freezing cold outside.
"He already hates you, fag! You think he actually wants you in his life? Well, think again!"
I tried to block the voice out, I did. It wouldn't stop. And I could hear this annoying ringing at the back of my head which was driving me more off the edge. Seriously though, how pathetic can one human being get?
"Harry, what's wrong?"
"Please talk to me." Louis raised his voice. He thought I couldn't hear him, which I could.
"He HATES you! Don't fall for it!"
"Haz, come on!" His voice held frustration. Anyone would be frustrated if they were talking to someone as fucked up as me. No surprises there.
"He HATES YOU!"
"He fucking hates you! Just like everyone else! No one loves you. No one can ever love you"
The voice only got louder and my heart beat faster. It was getting harder to focus on where I really was.
"Harry?" He whispered before bringing his forefinger under my near chin and making me look up at him.
"What's wrong?"
I mustered up the strength to get out a, "Nothing. Why?"
"You're sweating for god's sake and you look like death itself."
He replied. How ironic, I thought to myself.
I took a deep breath or at least tried to. But that got me nowhere. My heart was pounding faster than I had ever had it beat. It felt like my time was upon me, Not that I would mind, of course. It's just, I would appreciate going a little less painfully. But then a wave of a weird mixture of paranoia and fear hit me and the room was spinning before my eyes and I had no idea what was going on. The ringing in my ears got louder by the second and even then I could hear Louis calling me in the background.
-Louis' POV-
All I did was ask him why he wasn't eating properly and within seconds Harry was as white as a ghost with sweat dripping down his forehead. He was shaking uncontrollably and he had his hands pressed to his ears as if blocking something out. I didn't know what to do. I had never felt this helpless before. I had no idea what to do when my best friend could be, god forbid, dying before my eyes. I tried to ask him what was going on but it seemed as if he couldn't hear me.
He was turning whiter by the second and his shaking continued. Hastily, I grabbed his wrist to check his pulse which was there of course. I then grabbed both of his wrists in an attempt to stop him from moving and tried to press my ear against his chest. His heart was beating faster than a normal human being's. That, I knew. And in that moment I thanked god from the depth of my heart for my mum being a nurse.
And then it hit me. Harry was having a panic attack! And to stop that he had to try and slow down his breathing. Only, if he could hear me!
"Harry, YOU GOTTA SLOW YOUR BREATHING DOWN!" I tried to raise my voice to get him to understand but all he did was shake uncontrollably.
I read once that slowing down your breathing could stop a panic attack. I NEEDED to know how to slow down his breathing. I mean I had an idea at the back of my mind but neither of us would appreciate it. I don't know. I don't want him to kill me afterwards. But he was still shaking and breathing very hard. I took Harry's face between my hands and I could feel his warm breath on my face.
"Shuuuusshhhh, Harry, calm down!" No improvement!
"Harry, look at me! Come on. Shuuusshhh!!!"
He wouldn't stop. I had to do something, ANYTHING! And in that moment all I wanted to do was save my best friend so I did what seemed relevant. Okay, Louis! You are doing this for your best mate, your other half. Come on, now! I took a deep breath, tightened my grip around his face, closed my eyes and leaned in. I kissed him straight on the lips. After mere seconds of almost thrashing around, my attempt to slow his breathing down kicked in and did the trick. Once I ran out of breath, I moved back and slowly opened my eyes and there sat Harry, breathing hard but normal with widened eyes.
"H...Ho...Ly!" He whispered, still staring at me with his eyes the size of tennis balls.
"H.. How... How'd you...Do that?" He managed to ask.
"I, uh, I read once that holding your breath could stop a panic attack." I stared back.
I had never noticed how beautiful he actually was up close. Wait, what?
-Harry's POV-
My breathing and shaking was getting out of control and the voice laughed at me and the ringing in my head sounded as if it was being amplified by a loudspeaker. I couldn't see straight and all I could figure out was a blur outline of Louis sitting in front of me. The room was spinning really hard and my chest hurt. Among all this I felt Louis grab my wrists and then he came really close. I had no idea what was going on. All I knew was that my chest was hurting and the pain grew by the second. And it felt as if my heart beat any faster it might jump right out of my body. I felt Louis grab my face. He was trying to get something across to me but I couldn't make it out. The ringing was way too loud. I felt his breath on my mouth and then he kissed me. LOUIS TOMLINSON KISSED ME. For a second I shook and my heart pounded really hard but then I felt like my body was coming back to its normal state. My breathing was still uneven but the love of my life had just kissed me. What do you expect?
"H...Ho...Ly!" I whispered.
"H.. How... How'd you...Do that?" I managed to ask between my uneven breaths.
"I, uh, I read once that holding your breath could stop a panic attack." He replied, looking surprised and out of breath.
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SO, UH, CLIFFHANGER?