My heart relaxes as it eases down to a normal soothing beat, drowning out the chaos like a soul floating underwater. The chaos, the seamless thoughts mere inaudible noise. You want to scream out for help as you sink down deeper into the blue hues, the waves engulfing each and every part of you but this seems too perfect to ruin with inviting someone else. The blurry sunshine above my eyes, the fading crinkles of the world above me reminding me I should be up there, running around in circles over unfathomable thoughts.
My eyes droop, lulling my thoughts aside, pushing the fear away. The fear of drowning now a point of adrenaline rush in my veins. People say drowning feels like being tied to a rock and not able to untie yourself, you watch yourself loose the world as you sink lower; I felt the same, but not underwater. I felt trapped and being dragged down on the land we called home. Expectations and bouts of reality dragging my writhing soul around in dirt and grime like a feeble leaf or even the strongest tree falling apart under the worst storm.
The fall on land is always hard, scraping my knees and elbows. My skin tattering under the ruthless dirt, rocks and stones of judgement sinking deep into my skin as I hiss in pain. Washing the blood away from my skin is the cold touch of water, stinging at first but numbing the pain thereafter.
Just like that, year after year I took the fall, finally flinging myself into the cold water. The pain of loss stinging at first but the joy of finding a home beneath the world, in a peaceful and quiet place numbing It thereafter.