TW: Violence
JOVIE CHECKED the address again, afraid she'll make a mistake. She was about to go near the old lady she saw when a faint cries enveloped her.. breaking her heart more. Ibinaba niya ang bag na dala at inayos ang suot na damit ng anak. Jovie used her thumb to wipe the milk at the side of her baby's lips. She hummed and when she was about to reach the bag again, her baby suddenly held her fingers. That small fingers of an innocent child wrapped hers, like her daughter didn't want her to leave.
"Shh.. we're near. So behave, alright? Hmm, Rania?" she softly talked to her child.
Jovie smiled when Rania stopped crying and closed her eyes. It was a sight to see.
Bumuga siya ng malakas na hangin, nanginginig ang kamay na pinindot ang doorbell. Hindi naman siya nabigo dahil ilang minuto lang ay lumabas ang isang katulong. Tumingin ang may katandaang babae sa kan'ya bago lumipat ang tingin kay Rania na hawak niya.
Sinamahan siya nitong pumasok sa malaking entrada. A gigantic chandelier welcomed her sight followed by a lady in her 50's, looking so classic and sophisticated in a Victorian dress. Unang tingin palang ay nakilala na niya agad kung sino ito.
"Jovianna, am I right?" The lady spoke.
Tumango si Jovie, humihigpit na ang pagkakahawak sa anak. Minutes from now, she will be a bad mother.
"That's.. " the woman stared at Rania.
Rania cried again, echoing at the large living room. She hushed Rania while gently tapping her thighs.
"Anita, get my granddaughter. "
Jovie was alarmed. Lalo na noong lumapit sa kan'ya ang kasambahay, may awa at alinlangan sa mukha. She was tore into pieces hearing Rania cried while the maid took Rania away from her.. from her life.
She didn't know that it was the last time she'll be holding her daughter like that.
Pinapatahan ng kasambahay si Rania. But Rania kept on crying. It feels like she was searching for her mother.
So she went to her baby, took off her bracelet and put it in Rania's wrist. It looks so big on Rania. Ngumiti siya at hinawakan ang palad ng anak. Maybe in instinct, Rania also held her palm, tightly.
"You'll have a good life here, Rania. Your father will protect you. I know.. I'm sure of that. I'll leave you to him. But my child, in my sunless days, you gave me warm and light. And I hope that you could also be a sun to your Papa. " She kissed Rania's foreheard. Her daughter blinked. "Farewell, my baby.. "
Tila tinalikuran siya ng mundo nang umalis sa sala ang kasambahay kasama ang anak. Sinundan niya iyon ng tingin, nanlulumo at bigo.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry that we have to part ways like this.
"Have a sit, hija. " Inimuwestra ni Matilda Lozales ang sofa sa kan'ya.
Tahimik siyang umupo, nasa anak parin ang isip. Parang gusto niya na lang bawiin ang mga pinangako niya. Parang gusto niya na lang na huwag nang isipin ang iba at ang sarili niya naman. That way, she can keep her child.
Pero alam niya sa sariling hindi puwede. Hindi sa ngayon. Hindi sa kan'yang sitwasyon.
"What's her name?" Matilda Lozales asked, pertaining to Rania.
"Raninya. I call her Rania. Although I never processed her papers. You are free to.. " Halos namaos siya sa huling linya. That's the name she wanted to call her daughter. Ngunit hindi niya rin naman maitatangging kayang kaya nitong palitan ang pangalan ng anak. Pero kung siya ang tatanungin, she wanted Rania's name as is.
"And you, hija? What's your whole name?"
"Jovianna Solaria Nirez. Jovie.. " pagpapakilala niya sa sarili.
The woman looked at her. Pinasadahan siya nito ng tingin bago mapatingin sa mukha niya.
"We've met three years ago, right? At my son's birthday?"
Tumango siya, biglang naalala ang araw na iyon. It was a happy celebration. She was happy that day.
"I see.. "
Jovie took all her courage and gave the small paper bag to Mrs. Lozales. Kunot noo iyong inabot ni Matilda.
"Nasa inyo po kung ibibigay niyo ito kay Rania. I just wanted to.. give this letter to her. Kung pauunlakan niyo. Kung hindi naman ay ayos lang. "
Napayuko siya. Matilda Lozales was never rude of her. Kailan man ay hindi siya nito napagsalitaan ng masama. Although the woman was also not really fond of her.
Tinanggap iyon ni Matilda. She felt relieved.
The lady stood up. Napatayo din siya. "I can offer you a house, hija. A business or a financial assistance. Huwag kang mag-alala at hindi naman malalaman ng anak ko. I thought you need some money right now so—
"Hindi.. " Her voice cracked. "I didn't do this because I can't provide for my daughter. I can if I want. Magsisikap ako. I will leave my daughter because I know that I can't take care of her properly. Hindi dahil sa kawalan ng pera. "
Mrs. Lozales nodded. "Naiintindihan ko, hija. Ngunit panahon man ang lumipas at kahit anong rason mo ay hindi magbabagong iniwan mo ang anak mo. You abandoned your child. And there's no excuses for that. " The woman looked at her and smile. "But as I can see, you still act as a mother. It's enough for me to say that my granddaughter has a decent mother and my son picked a fine woman. I'll just wish for your safety, hija. At huwag kang mag-alala, I'll take care of your daughter. "
Tears slowly pooled on her eyes. Rania, this family will love you. Maybe more than I could.
As Jovie left the house, she knew.. she's lost.
Narinig niya ang halaklak ni Liah nang pumasok siya sa staff room. Kumaway si Liah sa kan'ya nang makita siya ngunit tipid niya lang itong nginitian.
"Lunch?" alok ni Liah sa kan'ya ng packed meal. Kinuha niya iyon at nagpasalamat. "How's the parent talk? Stressed ba?"
Marahan siyang tumawa. In her class, one of her student have an issue of bullying. Her last resort was to talk to the kid's parent. Pero ang sagot ng ina ng bata sa kan'ya..
"That's why there's a teacher! Kaya nga't nandito ang anak ko para maturuan nang maayos! Hindi mo siguro pinagtutuunan ng pansin kaya't hindi mo makita!"
She couldn't argue with that. She's a teacher and it is her responsibility to observe. Agad naman niyang maayos na kinausap ang bata doon. But at the next day, he kept on messing with his classmates again. Kaya't minabuti niyang kausapin ang magulang nito dahil baka nasa loob ng pamamahay ang problema.
Jovie became a Grade 2 teacher in a private primary school. It was ironic. Her, leaving her child and then suddenly decided to take care of other child.
"Umuulan.. " bulong niya sa sarili nang marating niya ang gate. It was an another day again.
Maayos niyang inihatid ang mga estudyante niya sa sari-sariling sundo. It was her daily routine. After that, she would stay at her room and prepare for the classes again for tomorrow before going home.
Sumakay siya sa sariling sasakyan nang matapos siya sa gawain. Dumaan muna siya sa mall para bumili ng supplies sa school. Some papers, colored, stickers and whatever that looks like can entertain a child.
She also bought a slice of cheese cake in her way home before finally reaching her house.
She saved up for years. Nakapagpundar siya ng sasakyan. A house for herself and that's it. She just bought those she could use for her daily life.
Ang tahimik na bahay ang bumungad sa kan'ya nang makapasok siya. Ibinaba niya ang pinamili at nagsalin ng tubig. Halos isang buwan palang nag-uumpisa ang klase ngunit agad na siyang napapagod. Kids are hard to handle these days.
Katamtaman ang laki ng bahay niya. It's inside a subdivision. She bought it a year ago. At the age of 29, she could say that her financial stability is very fine.
Halos walang magawa sa loob ng bahay niya. She cooked a simple dinner for herself and she felt empty after that. Gusto niyang maglinis ng bahay ngunit wala naman siyang nakikitang dumi. It even looks like her house is untouched. Sabagay, uuwi lang naman siya para matulog.
Jovie opened her desktop to see the information of her new student. Tomorrow is Saturday so she's free. Hindi rin naman siya mahilig gumala. So probably, the new student will start joining her class this Monday. According to Liah, last year pa daw gustong itransfer ang bata. Hindi lang puwede dahil patapos na ang school year. Ngayong taon ay dito in-enroll sa school na pinagtuturuan niya. The kid's late because she came from abroad.
"Let's see.. " bulong niya sa sarili habang habang binubuksan ang email. She needs the name so she know how to welcome the kid.
Lumuwag ang hawak niya sa mouse nang makita ang pamilyar na pangalan. She can feel herself trembling. The aircon isn't enough to dry the forming sweat in her forehead.
"Raninya.. " she whispered, looking at the screen. "Raninya Solaris.. N. Lozales.. "
Natutop niya ang bibig sa nabasa. It is her. It is really Rania.
Nanginginig ang kamay niya habang binabasa ang birth certificate nito. Fear consumed her. And as she read her information, she almost broke down into tears.
Raninya Solaris Nirez Lozales
Mother: Jovianna Solaria Nirez
Why.. Why is her name written on Rania's papers? Naguguluhan siya. Hindi makaisip ng dahilan kung bakit nakalagay ang pangalan niya doon. And.. her surname was attached to Rania.
Buong gabi tuloy siyang gising. Her pillow's probaby wet of her tears. All through the night, she kept on remembering how she gave birth to her Rania. The first time she held her baby. At kung paano niya binitawan ang anak.
Did she regret what she did?
She wanted to say yes, to at least ease her guilt. Pero alam niyang hindi niya pinagsisisihan. It was painful.. excruciating. But.. until know.. she knows.. it was a right decision.
Saturday morning, she visited her mother. It's been a year since she last visited. Pero dahil mga nabasa niya kagabi, parang gusto niyang bisitahin ang ina. Kung para saan, hindi niya alam.
Bahagya siyang tumayo nang lumabas ang ina, akay ng isang police officer. Her wrists are cuffed and there's an annoyance etch in her face.
"Akala ko hindi ka na babalik?" singhal ng ina at padabog na umupo. "Pasigaw-sigaw pa noon. Babalik rin naman pala. Hipokrita.. "
Pinigilan niya ang emosyon. In front of her is the person who took everything from her. It was a shame that no matter how disgusted she is, she can't even slap her mother.
"Ano? Nandito ka nanaman para manumbat? Ha?! Maninisi ka ulit?" Ngumisi ito sa kan'ya.
All these years, she's wondering if she's like her mother too. Irresponsible and a bad mother.
"If you didn't.. If you didn't killed that woman.. I might still be with my daughter now.. " Taon.. ilang taon siyang mag-isa. Ang daming nasayang. Ang dami niyang hindi nakita. She didn't saw her Rania grow. The first walk, the first talk or the first time she entered school. Jovie missed everything.
Tumaas ang kilay ng ina niya. "Huh! Narito na nga ako sa kulungan, kita mo naman diba?! Narito ako dahil nahuli ako ng batas hindi dahil sa nagbabayad ako ng kasalanan! Hindi! Hindi iyon kasalanan! Matapobre ang babaeng iyon! Ininis niya ako kaya't tinuluyan ko na! Kunwari matapang pero isang putok lang pala!" Umalingawngaw ang halakhak nito sa buong kwarto. Napapalingon tuloy ang lahat sa direksyon nila.
Hindi na niya napigilan ang sarili. "At sino? At sino ba ang naghirap dahil sa ginawa mo?! You were in jail! You were safe! How about me? Those you wronged keeps on chasing me! Ako na wala namang kinalaman sa iyo dahil matagal mo na akong iniwan! Nang dahil sa nanay parin kita, gumulo ang buhay ko! Naiintindihan mo? You ruined my life! You ruined my family! At nakakatawang hanggang sa mamamatay ka ay kailangan pa kitang asikasuhin!"
Her mother smiled at her teasingly. "Sinabi ko bang kailangan mo pang makialam? Ano? Mataas na ang tingin mo sa sarili mo dahil nakapagtapos ka?! Mayaman na ngayon?!" Sinipa nito ang lamesa dahilan para lumikha ng ingay. "Ikaw naman ang sumira sa buhay mo. Ikaw ang nagdesisyon. Ikaw ang nang-iwan kaya't bakit mo sa akin sinisisi? Estupida! Napakalaki mong tanga!"
Nawala ang sasabihin niya. Jovie was affected to her mother's words. Maybe she is really a fool..
Bumuhos ang malakas na ulan habang lulan siya ng sasakyan. Hindi mawala sa isip niya ang sinabi ng ina. Hindi dapat siya nagpapaapekto pero..
Wala sa sarili siyang umuwi. Mabigat ang dibdib. Life.. Life is indeed cruel.
Binagsak niya ang sarili sa kama at tuluyan nang nagpadaig sa dilim.