I think I'm having a stroke
Theo's
I AM HAVING A STROKE.
I was standing in front of Hailey and that's the first thing that came to my mind right after hearing what she had to say to me. Yes, I am having a stroke and this is me hallucinating. Pagkatapos ng hallucination na ito, I will find myself in my bed, dying. Yes, that's the only reason, why would I hear Hailey ask me if I want to have sex with her kung hindi ako inaatake sa puso? That's the only explanation for this.
"Theo?" Hailey's voice kicked in again. Kailan ba matatapos ang hallucination ko? Nagbabasa lang naman ako ng Oblicon sa living area kanina. Pampatulog ko ang Oblicon, kahit na naipasa ko na siya noon, iba ang dating ng Oblicon sa akin. It was the first ever book my father gifted me as a young adult. Oblicon calms my nerves. But all the calmness went away after hearing what she had to say – and Hailey will never do that, or even say that, the only real explanation s that I am having a stroke right now.
"Call 911." I said breathlessly. Napuno naman ng pag-aalala ang mukha ni Hailey. Humawak siya sa bandang dibdib ko. I felt the warmth of her hand.
"What's wrong? Are you feeling sick? Anong masakit?"
"I'm having a stroke." I told her. Napahawak na rin ako sa kamay niyang nakahawak sa dibdib ko. Nanlalaki ang mga mat ani Hailey. "Please, I don't want to die." Sabi ko pa sa kanya. Inalalayan naman ako ni Hailey hanggang sa makarating kami sa living area ko. I was wearing may casual lounge wear. Hailey was making sure that I look fine – for what – I don't know. Sinuotan niya pa akong tsinelas, tapos ay kinuha niya ang susi ng Audi ko. Muli niya akong inalalayan.
Maayos naman ang paghinga ko pero naniniwala talaga akong na-stroke ako. Nakarating kami ng parking lot. Probably, Hailey will take me to the hospital. I need that. May malapit na ospital rito sa residential building ko. Hailey s a good driver, we'd get there in no time.
"Breathe, Theo, you can do this, please be okay." Pinakikiramdaman ko naman ang sarili ko. Maayos naman ang paghinga ko, hindi naman masakit ang dibdib ko but I am having illusions of grandeur and that is why was so sure that I am having a stroke.
Fifteen minutes later, I was sitting in a hospital bed inside an emergency room. Walang tao sa E.R. kaya nasaman ako ni Hailey sa loob. The doctor did the prelimenaries, he took my blood pressure, blood sugar, he asked me about the last thing I ate, he checked my oxygen count and it s all normal.
"Are you sure?" Hindi ako makapaniwala. Paulit – ulit kong tinatanong iyon. Sure ba siya talaga? Napatingin ako kay Hailey na titig na titig sa akin pero may kunot ang noo. Parang naiinis nga siya.
"Yes, Mr. Calimbao. Everything is normal, pero kung gusto mong makasiguro we can have you blood tested. Mas maigi nang aware ka sa sitwasyon ng katawan mo ngayon palang. I'll tell the nurse to get your blood. It will only take some minutes tapos pwede na nating makita ang results."
"Thank you, doc.," Wika ko na lang.
"You're welcome but Mr. Calimbao, you are not having a stroke. Okay? Walang symptoms." Napapangisi ang doctor at umalis na. Naiwanan kami ni Hailey sa loob ng ER. I looked at her. She seemed so pissed. Nakahalukipkip pa siya.
"Are you that desperate to avoid answering my questions that you had to fake a sickness?!" He hissed at my face.
"I am not feeling well no!" Depensa ko sa aking sarili. Tinaasan lang ako ni Hailey ng kilay.
"Mamatay – matay ako habang nagda-drive, Theo, tapos sasabihin mo sa akin na you're not feeling well! Sabi mo na-stroke ka na!"
"You asked me if I want to have sex with you! I am hallucinating!" Balik sigaw ko sa kanya. She looked as if she was taken a back. "And hallucinations are one of the symptoms of stroke!"
"Ahhh!" Hailey screamed. Ramdam ko ang frustrations niya sa buhay. "I really asked you! You were not hallucinating! We have been in this for almost two months and a half, but you seldom kiss me, you don't touch me from waist downwards?! Am I not attractive enough for you or you disgust me because I had sex with my own flesh and blood?!" Ang lakas – lakas ng boses ni Hailey – napatingin sa amin ang kakapasok na nurse, nanlalaki ang mga mata niya habang nakatingin kay Hailey. Sigurado akong narinig niya ang mga salitang lumabas sa bibig ng girlfriend ko.
"See! Hindi ka makasagot! Nandidiri ka nga sa akin! You told me you want the best for me but you cannot go pass that!"
"Fuck, Hailey! I want to kiss you!"
"Then do it!"
"I want us to make out!"
"I want that too!"
"But I want to do it when you're ready. Not because you feel obligated because we're in this together and we are making things work. I want you to fall in love with me, WITH ME, Hals, not with the thought of us together, like what you said, we're best friends and the friends to boyfriends/girlfriend's relationship development is ideal. I was us to fall in love because it's real NOT because it is IDEAL."
Natahimik si Hailey. Nagtitigan kaming dalawa.
"Sir, can... uhm, I take your blood?" Halos makalimutan ko ang nurse na kasama namin sa ER. Hailey excused herself, I was left alone with the nurse. Hindi ko nga alam kung anong napag-iisip ko. Maybe I am really overacting. Dapat kinalma ko na lang ang sarili ko, dapat nasa bahay kaming dalawa ngayon, dapat hindi kami nag -aaway, ayoko ng pakiramdam na masama ang loob naming sa isa't isa.
Hailey has no idea how much I want to be with her, how much I want our intimacy to change. Hindi niya alam kung ilang beses kong pinipigilan ang sarili ko. I want her that way. I am a man, with needs, and I want her to know that if ever we are doing all of those things, she is going to be my first. I am nervous, I am scared that I'm no match for Perseus Vejar, that I won't satisfy her carnal needs, but that was only the tip of the iceberg.
What I want is for us to fall in love slowly, but surely. I don't need to fall in love with her anymore, I already fell. I'm just giving her time. I want her to realize that she wants me, how much she really wants this, I want her to know by herself that this is our relationship, not just sime lame deal she made with her dad. Natatakot ako nacbaka sa dulo nang lahat ng ito, pagkatapos nang lahat ng emosyong naibigay naming dalawa sa isa't isa, maiisip niyang hindi ako ang gusto niyang makasama at masasaktan ako nang sobra.
I want her to want this. I want her to love me.
"Sir, since wala naman po kayong nararamdamang mabigat, you can wait na lang po sa lounge kasama ng girlfriend ninyo – kung naroon po siya." I smiled at the nurse. Dahan – dahan akong bumaba ng kama at lumabas ng ER, nakita ko agad si Hailey na nakaupo sa isa sa mga metal chairs roon. She was playing with her hands, natatakot pa akong lumapit sa kanya kasi baka sigawan niya.
But I sat beside her. Ang tagal naming tahimik bago ko naramdamang hinawakan niya ang kamay ko.
"I'm sorry if I was rushing you to things." Mahinang wika niya.
"Are you not happy with what we have?" Tanong ko sa kanya. "May kulang pa ba?"
She shook her head. "I am happy with what we are, but truthfully speaking, nakukulangan ako sa intimacy natin. I want to hold your hand like this, sometimes, I want to cuddle with you, but I don't know if those are okay because I could see that you are putting distance in between us. I'm scared that you're having second thoughts on me, that I am not enough..."
I don't want her to think that way. Humigpit ang hawak ko kay Hailey.
"I want to tell you something." That caught her attention. She faced me. Her eyes are wide with curiosity. "Hailey, it's not that I want you, it's just that if ever we do that, you'd be the first woman in my life."
I watched as Hailey's facial expression changes from amazed to curious, to disbelief to amused. Her hand found my cheeks.
"Oh, Theo..." Next thing I knew she was sobbing. Her face was buried in my chest. "If I had known, I would've reserved myself for you. Oh, Theo, I'm so sorry. I was right, I will never be enough."
She was sobbing again. Agad ko naman siyang inalo.
"That's not true. No one, not even you can tell me that you're not enough for me. You are enough, more than enough. Please don't be little yourself, Hailey. You are perfect for me."
xxxx
Hailey's
I'M so nervous. It's the weekend and I told my parents I'd be staying with Theo for two days. Okay lang sa parents ko, si Theo ang nangangailangan nang napakaraming pangungumbinsi. Mabuti na nga lang at pumayag na siya. Tatlong linggo na ang nakalipas mula noong inakala niyang na-stroke siya. Nang ikuwento ko nga iyon sa mga kapatid ko at kay Ate Hya ay tawa sila nang tawa. Akala nila joker si Theo, hindi nila alam, masyado lang siyang wala sa sarili. Ganoon yata talaga siya kapag nabibigla, kung ano – anong naiisip.
Today, I am determined to show him things that he hasn't seen yet – teka ang baduy, ang maniac ng dating ko. I shook my head. Maghapon na kaming magkasamang dalawa. We watched a movie, we had lunch at the mall, ngayon naman ay nago-grocery kaming dalawa. Matatapos na rin naman magbabayad na siya sa cashier. Nag-decide kaming magluto na lang sa unit niya para dagdag bonding raw.
Mahalaga kay Theo ang bonding naming dalawa. He always makes sure that we get to spen the weekends together, lalo na itong week na ito kasi next week graduation na naming dalawa. Friday ako, Saturday naman siya, ang sabi niya pagkatapos ng graduation niya ay uuwi sila ng Lucena – ang province ni Tita Cornelia, hindi ako makakasama, kasi Linggo ng tanghali, lilipad ako, si Mama at si Daddy papuntang Greece. It's kind of a tradition that when one of us graduated, after the rites, uuwi kami sa Greece and we'll stay there for about a month.
Isang buwan kong hindi makikita si Theo, kaya ngayong gabi, I'll seal out deal.
"Are you okay? You're spacing out." Sabi niya sa akin. Tumawa lang ako. Tinulungan ko siyang dalhin ang isa sa mga ecobag. Sa totoo lang kinakabahan ako sa gagawin ko. I've been trying to seduce him for a week now. Hindi ko alam kung napapansin niyang kapag magkasama kami palagi akong nakamaikling shorts or fitted na pants tapos sleeveless. I make sure he knows and he feels that I am extra clingy to him. I always touch his hand, I always try to kiss him, he kisses back every now and then, kahit na sa una ay nabibigla siya, but he always kisses back.
"Hals, are you okay?" He asked again.
"Yes, please don't worry about me. Anyway, ano bang plan pag-uwi?"
"Magluluto ako, you rest, you look so flushed, baka magkalagnat ka." Tila nag-aalala na siya sa akin. Napangiti naman ako, he's always considerate for my feelings.
Pag-uwi nga sa unit niya ay ganoon ang ginawa niya, he started to prepare the ingredients and I started to prepare myself.
Nanghiram ako ng lingerie kay Ate Hyacinth. I wore a red lacey baby doll chemise that hides nothing. Siyempre tinernuhan ko iyon ng magandang bra at panty. Nilugay ko ang buhok ko but I styled it in a bit of a messy – just – had - sex look, naligo na rin ako sa pabango.
Nang tingnan ko ang sarili ko sa salamin ay isa lang ang naisip ko – quote and unquote Ate Hyacinth.
"Sa ganda mong iyan, lahat kay Theo titigas, lalo na ang titi niya – oh hindi na pala titi iyon, good luck girl! H'wag kang tatanggi si titi!"
I am not a virgin anymore, but everytime I talk to Ate Hya, I get flustered.
I took a deep breath. Okay na ito. I'll go out na.
I slowly walked outside, nakarating ako sa hallway, nakita ko si Theo sa may kitchen at abala siya sa pagluluto. He seemed to be reading something. I cleared my throat. Hindi man lang siya lumingon.
"Hals, aren't you sleeping? You should reall---" Sa pagkakataong iyon ay humarap siya sa akin, pagharap na pagharap niya ay halos lumuwa ang mata at dila niya. Napanganga siya, nanlalaki pa ang butas ng ilong.
"Hailey! What are you doing?!" High pitched na ang boses niya. I bit my lower lip. Lumapit ako sa kanya. Siyempre, pinatay ko muna ang kalan, and then after that, I gave my full attention to Theo. I slowly walked to him, he took a step back, ganoon ang ginagawa niya tuwing lumapit ako sa kanya hanggang sa na-corner ko na siya sa may wall.
I saw his Adam's apple bobbing. His eyes were clouded by want and lust. I know I could win this. I want him.
"In the food etiquette there's always the appetizer, Theo..." Pinagapang ko ang kamay ko sa dibdib niya papunta sa kanyang leeg. "Do you want to eat yours now?" Malanding – malandi ang boses ko. Pulampula naman ang mukha ni Theo.
"Hail..." His words were cut when I kissed his lips. Hindi naman nagtagal ay sumagot siya nang halik. Our kiss was gentle and full of love – it's how I want to describe it. He was nibbling my lower lip because of that a moan escaped my mouth but it was immediately swallowed by Theo's lips. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pushed myself closer to him. I felt like I want more.
Theo told me that when it comes to this department, he doesn't know anything, but the man can kiss, his kisses alone are enough to make me go out of my mind. I want him so much. I want him now. Ang balak ko kasi ay sabihin lang sa kanya kung ano ang gusto ko, how I want to be kissed or touched, where I want to be held and how close I want it to be. I want to bare my soul to him, but right now, it didn't matter because all I want it to kiss him, all I want is his warmth, all I want is him.
"Th-theo..." I moaned his name when I felt his hot lips down on my jawline. He was nibbling that part and it is making me feel hot. I now realized how much I want him to hold me like this, how much I want his.
He kissed the part where my collar bone is, I felt him bite me a little. I'm sure it will leave a deep and dark purple mar, but I didn't care. I want him.
He looked at me. His eyes were still as clouded as earlier. I bit my lower lip again.
"What are you doing, Hailey?" He said in a hoarse voice. Humawak naman ako sa braso niya.
"I want you, Theo..."
"Now is not the time." He gave me a weak smile. Parang lumundo ang puso ko. What could I do to make him want me the way I want him? He caresses my cheeks lovingly. "You are beautiful, Hailey." Napasinghap ako nang hapitin niya ako. I could feel his growing arousal and my cheeks turned red when I realized that the hardness I am feeling in between us is because of me and is for me.
"You have no idea how much I want you, but not right now. I need you to want me because you love me not because you feel obligated to give it to me. We need to be careful. I don't want to hurt you."
I could see the sincerity in his eyes. I was biting my lip. He kissed my forehead and then my cheeks, my nose and finally, his lips met mine.
"Theo..." I wanted to tell him something, but I don't know what. He just smiled at me and gave me three pecks on the lips.
"It's okay, go on, get dressed again tapos magluto tayo." He cleared his throat. "But I might need a minute or fifteen..." Awkward na awkward na wika niya, lalo namang namula ang mukha ko. I turned around immediately and went to the room. I locked the door, halos talunin ko ang kama.
Jusko, sana lamunin na ako ng lupa! Nakakaloka itong ginagawa ko! Hindi ko kaya! Nakakahiya!
I am offering myself to him, akala ko talaga kukunin niya but it seems like he has other things in mind. I bit my lower lip again.
"God... Theo is really ideal. Am I really enough for him?" Kinakain na naman ako ng insecurities ko. What if I'm not enough? Baka kaya lang niya sinasabi kasi wala naman talaga siyang choice. But I really want to believe that he loves me. He never told me those three words but I could feel it.
Nagbuntong – hininga na lang ako. Tulad ng sinabi ni Theo ay nagbihis na ako, habang ginagawa ko iyon ay naalala ko ang sinabi niya kanina. He said he needed a minute or fifteen minutes max.
"Oh my god! He's going to masturbate?! Is he gonna think of me?!" Napasinghap na naman ako. A certain warmth envelope my being while thinking about Theo touching his most intimate part because of me. Nakakakilig!
Para akong tanga, kanina, mamatay – matay ako sa hiya ngayon naman kinikilig ko. Napagdesisyunan kong simulan na ang niluluto ni Theo. Ayoko naman siyang istorbohin sa ginagawa niya.
I went to the kitchen, I was humming my favorite song while slicing the onions. I want Theo to take his time. He always gives me time and I want to do the same.
Hindi naman nagtagal ay narinig ko na siyang pabalik. I looked back and my forehead suddenly knotted when I saw him entering the kitchen, parang bagong ligo na siya, he was half naked, he was only wearing a gray pair of sweat pants, his hair has droplets of water and while I was looking at him, everything felt like it was in slow motion...
I could literally hear my heart beating inside my heart. I don't know if it's me, but Theo seemed different...
My mouth parted... my heart was beating so fast, my hands were shaking, even my knees... Theo... oh my god!
"Is there something on my face, Hals?" Tanong niya nang makalapit siya sa akin. I shook my head and went immediately back to slicing the onions.
Oh my god, is that it? The realization? Did I just have a clear vision of what I really feel about this perfect man?
Am I in love with Theo?
"Aw!" Sa kakaisip ko ay nahiwa ko ang sarili kong daliri. Agad namang lumapit si Theo sa akin. His left hand was around my waist, his other hand was holding my bleeding finger.
"Be careful, Hailey. Does it hurt?" Alalang – alalang tanong niya. Hindi ako makasagot. He was so close to me and while looking at him it really hit me.
Oh yes, finally, I am sure. I am in love with this man. He succeeded in getting my heart. I fell for him. I fell for Theo.