“C-can I kiss you?”
Lauren froze as soon as she realized what she’d said. Oh god, Camila was going to think she was insane for having feelings for her. Feelings that were becoming harder and harder to control.
Camila was going to tell the other girls and they’d all think Lauren was some kind of idiot. She could see it coming.
“I’d like that, y-yeah,” Camila said breathlessly. God, what was she even saying? Lauren wanted to kiss her. Of course she wanted to kiss Lauren, she always had. But a large part of her was terrified.
Lauren was thrown off when Camila spoke. She had said yeah? Yes, she had. Lauren took a deep breath, taking a step forwards and leaning in slowly.
“I’m sorry,” Camila blurted out, holding her hands out to separate them. “I-I can’t do this,” she shook her head and pushed past Lauren, running out of the bedroom before she had time to change her mind.
She wanted to kiss Lauren more than anything, and honestly, she would have given any other situation. But something was holding her back. She was in love with another girl.
Ana.
Well, Ana wasn’t technically real. Ana… or anorexia, as most people know it as, was the only think keeping her from kissing Lauren. It was holding her back from a lot of other things, too, but the urge to kiss Lauren… or just be close to her, was the strongest.
She was in love with her disorder. Not romantically… but she considered it ‘love’ because she didn’t know what she would do without it. And Camila considered that was close enough to the actual feeling of love.
Camila felt like she had no control. From the time she set foot on the stage during her X Factor audition, it was as if she was just a blank canvas, with no feelings or emotions. They molded her into this superstar, expecting perfection every waking minute and giving her no say in anything.
She didn’t get to choose what she wore, what she sung, what shows she performed at, it was all done for her. Part of her was thankful for not having all of that responsibility, but a larger part of her felt powerless. She felt as if she was just watching herself grow up without having any control.
For her, Real Camila and Stage Camila were two entirely different people. Stage Camila wore bows, Real Camila didn’t. Stage Camila was outgoing and energetic, Real Camila was quieter and softer spoken. It was hard for her to try and be something she wasn’t. All the girls in the band felt the pressure to be perfect, but Camila just couldn’t handle it over time.
So yes, she was in love with ‘Ana’, because she could control her. Camila could control how much she ate. And her methods of controlling were working, too, because each time she stepped on the scale, the number grew smaller and smaller. Camila didn’t have a goal weight. Her goal was just to lose. And lose. And lose.
And now she sat on the back porch, for once thinking about how much she hated Ana. How much she wished she could just be normal again. If she could, she would kiss Lauren. But she didn’t want to let Lauren in. Lauren didn’t know her.
The new her, at least. Lauren knew the innocent, cheery X Factor Camila. She didn’t know the scared, guarded Camila that she’d turned into. Camila wanted Lauren to know her, but the fear of letting her in was greater than the fear of being lonely. It was a fatal balancing act for her. Either way, someone would get hurt.
If she allowed Lauren to get to know the ‘real’ her, Camila was scared Lauren wouldn’t like her anymore. She’d rather settle for being just friends with Lauren than losing her at all. But now, they’d almost kissed.
Hell, she had told Lauren it was okay. She said she would like it. Camila took a deep breath and sat on the steps of their deck, burying her face in her hands. Now everything would be ruined.
Lauren, meanwhile, stood frozen in the bedroom after Camila dashed away. That hadn’t gone as planned. She’d never exactly had a plan in the first place, but… she didn’t expect Camila to say yes, and then run away.
Had she done something? Lauren checked her breath, deciding that that wasn’t what had scared Camila off. She sighed and sat down on the bed, pressing her hands to her forehead and making herself take a few deep breaths to calm down.
Camila had apologized. Lauren didn’t understand that. Why would Camila bother apologizing for something Lauren had asked? Now she knew Camila definitely didn’t have feelings for her.
Shit.
Lauren had probably scared her off, who knows where she was. Her protective instinct took over and she hopped to her feet, nearly falling down the stairs from running so fast.
“Camila?” she called, turning the corner and anxiously searching the kitchen. No sight of her.
“Camila?!” she yelled, louder this time. She heard footsteps and jumped when the back door slid open.
“What? What’s wrong?” Camila asked, worried. She shoved her hands in her pockets nervously, too scared to make eye contact.
“Nothing… I… I just thought you ran away or something,” Lauren bit her lip.
“Oh. Well I didn’t….” Camila said softly. The tension was awkward between them. Camila’s heart was still racing from just how close they’d been to actually kissing. “I’m gonna go lay down,” she quickly said, turning to walk upstairs.
“Wait, Camila,” Lauren grabbed Camila’s wrist to stop her. Camila bit her lip, she knew she wouldn’t be able to stop herself if Lauren tried to kiss her again. Taking a deep breath, she looked back at Lauren.
“We don’t… I’m sorry about that… I just, wasn’t thinking… it didn’t mean anything,” Lauren drew her hand back and ran it through her hair, cupping the back of her neck and standing there shyly. “Can we just… pretend that never happened…?”
Camila swallowed hard. Those words hurt more than they should’ve.
“Y-yeah, course,” she finally managed to speak. “I’m gonna… bed.”
“You’re gonna bed?”
“G-going to bed,” Camila shook her head quickly, growing flustered.
Lauren just laughed nervously and watched as Camila turned to disappear upstairs, but turned back to grab Elvis’ crate, before scurrying out of her sight.
As soon as she heard the bedroom door shut, Lauren turned around and punched the wall, instantly regretting it when pain shot up her arm. She ignored it, sliding down against the wall and dropping her head into her hands.
She’d literally just lied straight to Camila’s face.
Of course it meant something. Of course she wanted to kiss Camila. And of course, she wasn’t going to be able to forget it, no matter how hard she tried. It was impossible to forget how mesmerizing the smaller girl’s brown eyes were up close.
She ended up falling asleep like that, on the kitchen floor, curled up in her hoodie. Lauren was too scared to go upstairs and face Camila, anyway. She didn’t want to say something she’d regret later. But she already had.
She didn’t know what time it was when she woke up, all she knew was that the sun was just starting to rise. The sky was a beautiful shade of orange, with specks of pink here and there.
She was on the couch.
Lauren sat up, confused at how she had gotten there. She could’ve sworn she’d fallen asleep on the kitchen floor. Lifting the blanket that’d been placed on her legs, she stood up and yawned before padding over to the window to get a better view of the sky.
If she couldn’t study Camila, the sky was the next beautiful thing.
She huffed a breath of air on the cool glass, tracing a flower in the condensation. Just as she was about to turn around, she heard a faint noise in the distance. Singing.
Lady, running down to the riptide,
Taken away to the dark side,
I wanna be your left hand man.
Lauren took a deep breath. Camila just had to go and be perfect, didn’t she? She always was unknowingly making Lauren fall harder and harder for her.
Hell, Lauren couldn’t avoid her forever, could she? She slipped out on the deck, following the voice until she realized Camila was on the roof.
I love you when you're singing that song and
I got a lump in my throat because,
You're gonna sing the words wrong.
Camila froze, nearly dropping her guitar when she heard a noise below her. Moments later, a blur of messy black hair appeared at the edge of the roof, and soon Lauren had pushed off of the deck railing and hoisted her entire body up as well.
“Wh-w-what’re you doing?” Camila asked nervously, laying the instrument in her lap and glancing down nervously.
“How’d you get a guitar?” Lauren ignored Camila’s question and sat cross legged a few feet away from her. She picked at a patch of moss on the roof, trying to do anything to keep her eyes from wandering to Camila.
“I-uh… I borrowed your car,” Camila admitted, finally looking over at Lauren. Big mistake. How could some have just woken up and still look so perfect?
“You bought a guitar? When?” Lauren asked, finally looking up out of pure shock. “More importantly, why?”
Camila looked down at the black acoustic guitar in her lap, running her fingers across the smooth wooden front. “I-I went out this morning… I just, I wanted a guitar,” she shrugged, biting her lip.
“So you bought a guitar just because you wanted one?”
Camila nodded slowly.
Lauren smiled softly. This was good. This was the first time Camila had done something nice for herself in a long time, as far as Lauren knew. She deserved it.
“Play me something, then,” Lauren smiled.
Camila just froze and stared down at the instrument.
“What?”
“I-I don’t want to… it’s… personal,” Camila admitted honestly.
“You sing in front of me and thousands of other people all the time, Camz,” Lauren raised an eyebrow, not even realizing she’d used the nickname.
“That’s different,” Camila answered softly.
“How?”
“The songs… I don’t know, it doesn’t mean anything to me singing about boys and parties and that stuff,” Camila drummed her fingers on the guitar. “My songs do… they’re just, personal.”
“Your songs? You write?” Lauren asked, taken by surprise.
“A little, yeah. Sometimes. I’m no good, though,” Camila sighed.
“Don’t be so hard on yourself,” Lauren said softly, reaching over and gently squeezing her friend’s shoulder. “You don’t have to play anything for me, but I think you should keep writing songs. It’d be good for you.”
Camila nodded softly. Lauren gave her a comforting smile before swinging her legs down over the deck and disappearing a few moments later.
“They’re about you,” Camila whispered to herself once she heard Lauren disappear into the kitchen.
—
a/n: since i made a trailer for my other fanfic (reasons) i ended up making one for weak, too. and it makes me so emotional jfc. but check it out if you want! and let me know what you think, bc i love your feedback.
here's chapter 13! i hope you loved last chapter's cliffhanger ;) lmao have a good day bbies <3
- lena (@lenajfc on twitter, txrches on tumblr, txrches on vine)