Calum tried to suck his tears back in as he hyperventilated lightly, wiping his face in frustration as he stood in front of the mirror of the bathroom. He pulled at the collar of his dress shirt, knowing it would only turn worse once his tie was put on him.
He jumped at the sound of the door being knocked on, not wanting to answer the man on the other side as he stepped back and sighed sharply because he knew he had to. He wasn't allowed to lock doors, not wanting to get in trouble by the man on the other side as he moved up to open the door. He kept his head down as if he could hide his flushed and hot face, biting into his cheek as Ashton stepped into the small room and shut the door behind him to hide from the gathering waiting outside of the priest, going to hold his chin to force him to look up at him.
He still kept his eyes the other way, not wanting to face him properly as he tried to stop biting his lip in a way he knew Ashton hated whenever he did it. He shrugged when Ashton asked why he was crying, having fully knowing why as he subconsciously looked over his shoulder as if Michael would be there for him, let down with only the sight of another mirror set with his tiresome face to stare back at him.
"I-I'm tired, sir. I just want to sleep but-but I can't. I'm so tired. Could you help me, please?"
Ashton nodded, wiping over his cheek with his thumb before letting his chin go. He didn't know what was going on in Ashton's head as the man stepped back from him. He wanted to believe the man, nodding though he didn't when he was told that he'd help him sleep when they made it home. He wanted to but didn't, still trying to hold out on hope as he let Ashton put his tie back on him so they could leave after hiding for twenty minutes so he didn't have to speak with anyone.
He tilted his head back for Ashton, letting him fasten his tie as he balled his fists up lightly behind his back. The older man tightened the knot around his neck, pulling him in closer to his body to nearly being pressed right up against him. He swallowed hard, pushing up to kiss Ashton shortly and assuring the man that he was okay as he tried to make his tone lighter. He grabbed his hand when his tie was let go, licking over the splits in his lip from biting them and digging the tips of his fingers into his palms with the lack of nails from chewing them off in another unsanitary habit Ashton hated of his.
He forced himself to smile, knowing it didn't take anything away from the exhaustion clearly evident on his face as it weighed down and darkened his features as he bypassed families and others who attended to leave with Ashton. Not even a smile could lighten the bags under his eyes, the hollowing to his cheek or the way his face was sapped of proper coloring. He still tried to pull himself together, enough for him to be somewhat presentable for Ashton but it didn't help as much as he wished it had. Michael had left, four days and counting and Calum hadn't had a moment of rest since then.
He thought he wanted Michael gone but he didn't. It wasn't the first time he had wanted Michael to leave, not the first time the man had listened and Calum always regretted it. He thought he'd be okay the morning without, had smiled after he told Ashton about Michael's disappearance, after the man told him it meant he was making progress and kissed his hand. It wasn't often when Ashton said he was proud of him, when the man's eyes would light up and Calum didn't want to loose the way the man held his hand and the way he spoke to him.
He knew turning back to Michael meant loosing Ashton's voice and touch, would mean having to work harder for it and he hated how aligned their versions of work were for him to kill someone. It was how Michael helped him sleep, how Ashton helped him stay clean and being caught between both was exhausting but at least he'd sleep afterwards with Michael. Would the man even return? Maybe he decided to help someone else and Calum had messed up? He prayed not but knew that wouldn't help.
Michael wanted him to beg, to use the same position he reserved for Ashton to be given to him. He always ran the risk of Ashton walking in on him down on his knees for another man. He wasn't allowed closed and especially not locked doors, not allowed to have much privacy because Ashton seemed to have eyes that saw everything. He couldn't do anything without Ashton knowing to where he usually just sought out his permission before doing something with himself.
Going to the other man was going against Ashton but god, Calum wanted to sleep. He just needed a moment, an hour and he'd be fine after four days, a second of nothingness while his body rested. Ashton was perfect in a lot of ways to Calum, could do almost anything but he never could help him sleep. That was one of the only things Michael did better, even though Calum hated to admit it to anyone including himself. He had to then, needing sleep more than anything as Ashton drove him to his house.
He sat in the backseat, right behind Ashton and leaned his head to his knees as his feet stayed to the floor, rocking himself as he balled up his trembling hands against his chest. It was night already, he didn't want to be left alone while Ashton found him another sinner to take care of during night service but he knew he had to. It was what Ashton ordered and the only opportunity to be able to speak with Michael. The medication from the man sat before him hadn't done anything but give Calum the groggy feeling he hated where everything moved slow and in a blur but didn't calm him down. His fuzzy hearing faintly caught Ashton's voice, the brunet raising up to look at him in the mirror as Ashton looked back at him and unlocked the car.
"Go straight to your room, Calum. I should be back by morning."
He nodded, getting out slowly and moving to Ashton's window as it rolled down for him to grab his hand and made the brunet brighten up just a little bit more. He squeezed his hand gently before Calum was moving away to the house, going through the open garage and turning back to watch it close as Ashton pulled off. He fidgeted with his shaky hands, hesitating as he paced the garage slowly to avoid going into the home for a moment.
Did he really need to sleep? Maybe he could wait and the medication would work? His pacing grew into him biting his lip anxiously, pulling at his hair as he twirled it around his finger. He huffed sharply. He really wanted to sleep, just for the night before Ashton came back so he could be rested for him. He went to his room, standing outside and staring at it with weak eyes. It was a struggle to keep them open but pointless to try and close them.
He opened the door slowly, looking around because maybe Michael was already there for him and he wouldn't have to call out. He knew he wasn't, walking slower until he was sinking to his knees and staring at the darkness of his own eyelids as he rubbed his sweaty palms down his legs before balling of the material of his slacks in his fists.
"Michael, I-I need you. Please? I'm sorry...for yelling and telling you to go away. I didn't mean it. I need you right now. To help me and...and I'll do whatever you need. I promise. I'll be obedient. I need you more...I need you more than I need Ashton right now. Please?"
He hated the taste of his own mouth after his words, wanting to spit out and brush his teeth until his teeth were stripped and his gums were raw and bleeding but he couldn't. He hated the way his heart raced at the sight of Michael, the smile that dared to grace his lips as he filled with relief when he opened his eyes to see the man standing there with him. Michael's face held all of his pompous proudly, a smirk of cockiness and eyes lit up despite the darker hinting of colors swirling in a mix of black and green as he stared down at the brunet on his knees for him.
"Don't you just know what to say to make a man weak in the knees, Angel?"
He didn't respond, knowing he didn't have to because he had called on michael and that was enough of a million conversations and worth more than his words ever could be. He moved to stand up, pushing some of his hair behind his ear as he stood with his head down. Michael forced him to raise his head up with his hand slipping under his chin and grazing over his jawline softly.
"Don't worry, Calum. I always take good care of you, don't I?"
He nodded, letting Michael's hand slip down to take off his tie for him as he shrugged his suit jacket off. He stopped when Michael told him to leave the rest of his suit on, following behind the man quietly as he glanced at his bed.
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AN: Heyyy!! 2nd chapter after a billion years. I'm sorry!! I swear, I'll be better with this book because I actually really love it and am excited for it!!
Anywho, how're you liking it? If you are?? I know it's still pretty slow but I always pick up after a little, hopefully you'll stick around, lol
See you next chapter, Love ya!! <3