CW: This chapter includes strong themes of sex, but nobody actually has explicit sex. We're just trying to have healthy discussions for the sake of a sex-positive environment.
Inspired by Community S1E11: "The Politics of Human Sexuality"
Annabeth POV
Annabeth stares at the condom her nemesis Dean D forced into her palm.
"STD-fense" is written on the gold foil packaging. Is she supposed to laugh? This is a joke, right?
"Flip it over," says the dean.
Annabeth reads the text aloud. "'Come to the Safe Sex Fair tonight....' What the hell? Is this you targeting me again? I told you, I'm not a-"
"Do you like it?" Hazel prances up to Annabeth. "I wrote the messages on them myself!"
Hazel's never exactly struck Annabeth as the 'promote safe sex' type, but she's learned that there isn't anything about this school that's unsurprising.
"Hazel..." says Annabeth. "It's, uh, cute... but did you consider that writing on condoms with fine tip pen would... you know..."
She looks at Annabeth expectantly.
"Hazel," she starts again. "Do you know how these work?"
Hazel shrugs. "Guys put them on for..." She mouths S-E-X. Wow, this girl is repressed. "Did you want more? I can get you more! Oh, you should come to the fair tonight! We'll have tons! I have to plan more cute messages to put on them."
Annabeth decides not to be the bad guy. Someone else can explain the consequences of poking holes in condoms.
Dean D turns to Hazel. "I'm so thankful for all the hard work you've put into New Rome's Safe Sex Fair, Ms. Lean-Cuisine! I would love to bestow upon you the honor of giving tonight's condom demonstration."
Annabeth almost spits out her Diet Coke. Hazel? The one who fans herself when Leo talks about 'da ladies?' They can't even watch a movie with a kissing scene when Hazel's around.
Hazel tugs her mask down and takes a sip of water. The redness on her face is obvious.
"Oh, don't worry," says Dean D. "We wouldn't have you using a banana- no! Our mannequin is very lifelike."
Hazel makes a sound that comes out like a squeak.
And that's Annabeth's cue to leave. She'll have nothing to do with this.
"Annabeth, wait!"
"Walk and talk, Hazel. We're going to the same place," she responds.
Hazel picks up the pace to match Annabeth's stride. "Well, you've uh, done it a lot, right?"
"Excuse me?"
"I mean, you've had a lot of... you know..." Hazel looks at the sidewalk.
"Look who it is!" shouts Piper McLean. She slings an arm around Annabeth and throws the other over Hazel's shoulder.
"Literally living in a pandemic, Pipes," says Annabeth.
Hazel perks up. "Oh, good! You're here too! I like having girlfriends. I've never had girlfriends before."
Ugh, not the guilt trip again.
Piper gushes. "Aw, Hazel, you are too sweet! We love being your gal pals. Don't we, Annie?"
"Do not call me that," says Annabeth.
Piper shoots a glare.
Annabeth lets out an exasperated sigh. "Of course! I love having girlfriends and supporting gender norms! Shall we get our nails done? Go to Victoria's Secret so we can look sexy for men?"
Piper chuckles. "Speaking of sexy, I think our best friend Hazel here just asked you to recount your sexual history."
"Oh! No, I didn't mean to! I was just wondering-" Hazel cuts herself off and starts again. "Dean D asked me to help him at the fair tonight-"
"There's a fair tonight?" asks Piper. "Annabeth, let's go to the fair!"
Annabeth can't take this. "Dean D asked Hazel to perform the condom demonstration at the Safe Sex Fair, and clearly that's a problem for her, but she didn't tell him that when he 'bestowed the honor.'" She uses air quotes. "And apparently my sexual history has something to do with that."
"I was just asking for help." Hazel fusses with her woven friendship bracelet and follows Piper into the library.
Piper throws her head back and laughs. Annabeth can't help but join in. Piper's laugh is contagious.
"It's not funny!" shouts Hazel.
"Hazel," Piper pulls out a chair at their usual study table and invites her to sit for the interrogation. "Have you never had sex before?"
She reaches for her water bottle, but Piper yanks it away.
"I'll take that as a no. Does that mean you've never seen a dick then?"
Annabeth takes the water bottle from Piper and gives it back to Hazel. "Don't pressure her. Jesus, Piper, I'm sure she's seen one on the internet by accident at least."
Hazel shakes her head violently.
This is getting interesting. Annabeth can't believe she almost ditched this conversation.
"I mean, I have, sorta, but I never really got a good look... You know?" Hazel tries to explain.
"And now you have to do the demonstration tonight. Damn." Annabeth figures poor Hazel probably doesn't even know how to put a condom on, and if she can't do that, she'll make a fool of herself in front of everyone. Not everyone can be as nice as Piper and Annabeth about this stuff.
"I don't know what to do." She looks close to tears.
What the hell is Annabeth supposed to do if she starts crying?
"We'll help you!" says Piper. "But, uh, what do you need from us? Because I'm not down to watch porn with my best girlfriends..."
Annabeth smacks her head with her palm. "Hazel, do you want to see that mannequin?"
"Well, yeah, but it's locked in Dean D's office," says Hazel.
Piper looks at Annabeth and smirks. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
"Way ahead of you. It's Plan Time." Annabeth uncaps an Expo marker and starts drawing on the dry-erase board.
"This is going to be the best heist ever!" Piper whisper-yells.
"Are you sure about breaking into the dean's office?" Hazel asks meekly.
In unison, Piper and Annabeth reply, "Absolutely."
Percy and Jason come into the study room, playing catch with a crumpled-up ball of paper.
"Whatcha writing, Wise Girl?" Percy asks.
"None of your beeswax, Idiot."
"Ouch. You need a better insult for me. Wait, why did you draw a penis on the whiteboard?"
Annabeth is so sick of Percy's arrogance. If he thinks he's had any effect on her, he's thinking wrong, per the usual. What an idiot! Shoot, Annabeth does need a better insult.
Luckily, Piper comes to the rescue. "That's also none of your beeswax! Study group is canceled today. Can't you see? We have something more important to do!"
"See you guys at the fair tonight?" Hazel asks.
"I don't know; an STD awareness fair sounds kind of tacky," says Jason.
Hazel tries again. "Could you at least tell Frank? And Leo?"
"Jason!" scolds Piper. "If you're not at that fair tonight, who will I give all the stuffed animals I win to?"
Jason pushes his glasses up the bridge of his nose. "Oh, sure. I guess it won't be so lame if you're there," he says.
Piper giggles. She actually giggles! What the hell is wrong with her?
"See you later," Annabeth says through her teeth.
"Have fun drawing penises!" shouts Percy on his way out. What a jerk.
"So," says Piper. "That was tense. Are you sure nothing is going on between you and Percy? Maybe you should ask him to be your date to the fair tonight."
"Yeah!" Hazel agrees. "We're giving out free condoms! You like that, right?"
Yes, Annabeth likes that. No, she is not going to use the free punctured condoms. Instead of explaining herself, she says, "This conversation does not pass the Bechdel Test."
"Okay, whatever that means," says Hazel. "What about you and Jason, Piper?"
"Oh, I'm not sure. Ever since we kissed at the debate he's been kind of weird."
Hazel leans forward. "Well, that's why! He's probably waiting for you to follow up!"
"I don't know if I'm ready to jump into anything... I mean, he's on the Ultimate Frisbee team. That's a red flag if I ever did see one, and-"
"Okay!" Annabeth is done with the boy talk. "Let's talk through this plan, shall we?"
✎✎✎
"Alright," says Annabeth. "Everybody remember: there are security cameras in this hallway. We need to take them out with the Silly String as soon as possible."
"Do I need to shake this first?" Hazel asks, holding up her can of neon yellow Silly String.
"Can't hurt," says Piper. "Are we ready?"
"Ooh! We should put our hands in the middle! Like a team cheer!" says Hazel.
"Absolutely not," says Annabeth.
"Boo!"
"C'mon!"
Annabeth reluctantly stacks her hand on top of Piper's and Hazel's.
"Yeah! Girl power!" says Hazel.
Seriously, why say girl power? The boys wouldn't be saying 'boy power.' It just proves that masculinity is the societal default, and if women want to be included, they end up getting a feminine version of something. It's like razors—the same product, just in pink and about two dollars more.
Annabeth puts her favorite Yankees cap on. It's a bit of a contrast compared to her black turtleneck, but at least she isn't wearing eyeblack like Piper. It isn't even sunny!
"What's with the hat?" asks Piper. "Don't you know we're in Giants territory? Wait, aren't you from San Francisco?"
"It's like, my stealth hat," Annabeth teases.
"Woah, really?" asks Hazel.
"Oh, yeah, totally." Annabeth shouldn't take advantage of Hazel's gullible nature, but this is ridiculous. "I pull all my heists in this bad boy. Never been caught."
"Wow, cool!"
"Okay, Chase," says Piper. "If you're so confident, why don't you go first?"
"Gladly." Annabeth pulls the rim of her hat low enough to obscure her face from the cameras and shakes her Silly String bottles.
The carpet leaves a brush burn on her knee as she dives around the corner and blasts the camera in the hall with Silly String. Just for show, she does a backflip before hitting the one above the secretary's desk.
Then she sprays some of her pink Silly String out into the hall, signaling that it's safe for Piper and Hazel to follow.
"Was the backflip necessary?" Piper asks.
"One hundred percent."
Hazel points at the door with Dean D's name on it. "Look! There's a peephole. We might not even have to actually break into his office."
"But we're going to, right?" Piper asks.
Annabeth shoots her a glare.
"What? I like breaking into things."
Piper crouches down and looks through the hole. "Oh, guys, Dean D wasn't kidding when he said it's lifelike." She laughs.
"Move it! Let me see." Annabeth pushes Piper out of the way.
Yep. That's a dick. It's about as lifelike as a mannequin with a rubber complexion can get.
At least Annabeth isn't the one about to give a demonstration in front of everyone.
"Can I see? I'm the one who has to... you know..." Hazel asks shyly.
Annabeth moves so she can see.
"Oh."
"You good?" asks Piper. She's sucking on a lollipop. How did she get a lollipop?
Hazel cocks her head to the side. "Is that considered big?"
Piper snorts. "I guess? Annabeth?"
"Depends," Annabeth answers. "It's sort of a comparative measure."
"Comparative to what?" Hazel asks.
Piper pulls a bobby pin from her hair. "I don't know about you ladies, but I came to break into something tonight." She sticks the pin into the lock and jiggles it around a little. "Open sesame," she says as the lock clicks.
Annabeth feels the bright light on her back before the dean says, "Busted!"
Slowly, the girls turn around. Piper has her hands in the air, showing the bobby pin she used to unlock the door.
"So much for your stealth hat," Hazel mutters to Annabeth.
"In my office. Now," says Dean D.
So Annabeth's sitting in the middle, with Hazel looking completely scandalized on her left, and Piper reclined in the seat on her right, arms behind her head.
"I'm just going to cover this up." Dean D throws a leopard-print blanket over the mannequin's manhood (mannequin-hood?).
There's a knock on the door.
"Look at these little misfits! Oh, Annabeth, is this your girlfriend?" says Ms. Venus, referring to Piper.
"Wait, you guys are dating?" Hazel asks.
"No!" says Annabeth.
Ms. Venus sits in the chair across the room, eyeing Annabeth like she's some sort of fun-fetti birthday cake.
Dean D clears his throat. "I've brought Ms. Venus here today to talk through this with you because, as I'm sure you're aware, normal people do not break into my office to look at penises."
Hazel turns red at the mention of 'penises.'
"This is a safe space," says Ms. Venus. "Let's talk, ladies."
Piper groans. "We were just helping Hazel. She's nervous about the big demonstration tonight since she's never seen a dick before."
"Piper!" Annabeth scolds. "That's not information we needed to share!"
Ms. Venus sits back in her chair. "Never? Like not even-"
"Not even on the internet," Hazel snaps. "And really, what's the problem with that? I'm... I'm happy being repressed!" She stands up and marches out of the office.
"Woo! Yeah, Hazel!" Piper hollers. "That's the spirit!"
Annabeth turns to Dean D. "Can we go now?"
"Sure." He waves them off.
As Annabeth and Piper leave the room, Ms. Venus shouts, "Enjoy the Sex Fair, my beautiful lesbians!"
Annabeth balls her fists and takes a deep breath. "I'm gonna mess her up so bad someday."
"Not today," says Piper. "Maybe you should stop caring so much about what other people think."
"Piper, I don't even know what I think."
"Oh."
They walk in comfortable silence the rest of the way to the outdoor Safe Sex Fair. Except for the sex puns and the drawings of parasites, it's a pretty cute fair. There are sex-themed carnival and arcade games like Whack-A-Crab and some sort of dart game, but with syringes.
"Look, there she is," says Piper, pointing to Hazel. She's with Frank, who is showing her how to put a condom on a banana. They're barely visible beneath the stuffed puppy that Frank must have won.
"Hey! Piper!" Jason runs up to them holding a roll of pink tickets. "If I remember correctly, you owe me a stuffed animal, and I have my eye on that dragon up there!"
Annabeth follows Jason's gaze to some sort of ring toss game. A shiny dragon is hanging on a wall between a pink bear and a purple bunny. Jason has good taste. Annabeth can almost see why Piper likes him.
Almost.
"Seems more appropriate for a drug awareness fair, but fine, Sparky. I'll win you that dragon," says Piper. "You wanna come with, Annabeth?"
"Nah, you guys have fun. I'm going to get a beer." Annabeth flashes her fake ID.
"Wait, they're selling alcohol?" Piper asks. "At the Safe Sex Fair? That's comedy gold right there."
"I mean, so is passing out condoms with holes in them," says Annabeth.
"Wait, what?" asks Jason.
Annabeth shoots finger guns and heads over to the bar but then is informed that she can't get a drink without winning a game. "This is stupid," she says.
And then she sees him playing skeeball. Ugh. Maybe she should have third-wheeled Jason and Piper.
"Fancy seeing you here," says Percy. "I thought you knew everything there is to know about everything, Wise Girl."
Annabeth rolls her eyes. "You know you're the dumbest person on the planet, right?"
Percy throws a ball, hitting the jackpot in the center ring. "Aw yeah!" The game operator hands Percy a panda pillow pet.
"Wow, you threw a ball into a hole. Congrats," Annabeth deadpans.
Percy squeezes his stuffed animal. "If you think I'm about to give you this, you're wrong. Perry and I are best friends forever, I tell you!"
"Wouldn't dream of it. The whole concept of guys winning stuffed animals for girls is sort of sexist. Like, I can win my own stuffed animals, thank you very much."
"Oh, I get it," says Percy.
"You do?"
"Nobody's ever won you a stuffed animal before."
"That is not what-"
Percy hands a ticket to a girl operating a darts game. She hands him a pile of darts and tells him how to play.
"Percy-"
Pop! A condom filled with air bursts as the dart collides with it.
Percy winds back and aims at his next target.
Pop!
Pop!
"Woo!"
Annabeth would be lying if she said she isn't impressed. He's got great aim.
"A tie-dye dolphin for my friend here!" Percy declares. He holds the dolphin out expectantly.
Annabeth hesitates. Why is Percy being so nice to her?
"We are friends, right?" he asks.
She has to ask. "I've been kind of a bitch to you all year. Why are you being so nice to me?"
"I don't know. You're so nice to Frank and patient with Leo. And you and Piper and Hazel are all dressed like ninjas. I guess... I just want you to like me. At the very least, I want to know why you hate me."
Annabeth takes the dolphin. "I don't hate you..."
How does she feel about Percy? Her feelings are extreme; she's just not sure in what direction.
He's sort of cute, she supposes. His eyes are crazy intense. She's sort of into that whole 'green like the sea' thing. And she did see him in that swim uniform once. It's not a bad look for a body like his. Shoot, Percy is pretty attractive. She shouldn't be thinking about him like that, especially not at the Safe Sex Fair.
"Annabeth?" he asks.
"I-"
"WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T USE THE CONDOMS!" Leo shouts through a bullhorn. "I REPEAT, IF YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX, DON'T USE CONDOMS!"
Where has Leo been all day?
"What was that you were saying? About what you think of me?" Percy asks. Oh, so he's eager to learn how she feels.
Well, tough luck. She can't make it that easy for him.
A smirk paints Annabeth's face. "I was going to say that this is probably the only Safe Sex Fair to actually spread STDs."
"I suppose that's one way to spread awareness," Percy says. "Can I buy you a corndog?"
"In your dreams," says Annabeth. "Thanks for the dolphin though."