I sat on the bus, my usual seat next to Cameron, the air-con blew my hair in wisps over my face. My voice was lost somewhere in my mental struggle but I listened to Cams ramblings about bucket hats making a comeback.
I'll miss his morning nattering. Hell, I'll miss this school bus. The sticky seats, the smell of aerosols, the blatant disregard every single person had for me. Lakeland wasn't my home, however for four months it was the place I felt most settled.
But the thing I would miss the most wouldn't even talk to me. He was there, he was there everyday I stepped off that school bus, surrounded by people.
Mingled with the crowd he looked so ... normal. His uniform, clean and without crinkles, his hair secured with product, his eyes sparkling with life and his demeanour causally laidback.
Nobody would ever know of his inner struggles, nobody would even guess that fourteen days ago he was naked on the freeway following orders from Jesus because the federal government was after him.
I risked my life following him out onto that freeway. He crashed the car and I was the one who got hurt. I was about to lose my home, my safety because I helped him. Still, he's the one who ghosted me.
I walk into a room, he walks out of it. I approach him, he finds an excuse to leave. He's had me blocked on social media since the whole dick-pic incident and I don't exist to him anymore.
Do I regret helping him? No.
Would I do it again? In a heartbeat.
Do I wish things were different between us? Yes.
I cradled my arms around myself, he messed around with a soccer ball kicking it back and forth to Eli and Jamie, not a care in the world. I guess it didn't even matter anymore.
"You okay Fearne? You seem quiet." Cam asked as I glowered my eyes in his direction angrily.
"Just peachy." I told an obvious lie.
I didn't like hearing his laughter around school and I certainly didn't like knowing a beautiful girl made him laugh.
I didn't like the way he ran his fingers through his dark curls or leaned against the lockers on his elbow in some fucking cool guy pose.
I didn't like the way she was looking at him, batting her eyelids and pushing her breasts out to make them seem bigger than they actually were. I've seen you change for gym Tamera Robinson, they're not that big.
The bell rang above our heads and a colony of smartly dressed navy tartan, blazers and shirts all moved into their classrooms.
I slipped into Geography with Mr Hayes. It was the most boring lesson on Earth. He spoke with a monotonous voice and had an eye condition that prevented him from looking anywhere but up.
As he droned on and on I sat on the back row, scrolling through my phone, hidden strategically behind a textbook.
I darted upright in my seat when I noted a new follow request on Instagram - Aiden Morgan. A quick nosedive into his feed showed me everything I wasn't missing in my hometown. The nostalgia was bitter and crippling, it pulled me into the darkest crevices of my own mind.
Fuck that.
I moved on, scrolling through the photos on my homepage. A new picture uploaded twenty minutes ago. 'My crystal ball says we're getting drunk at the retreat next week.' There he was, pouting at the screen with the peace sign, perfect defined cheekbones, luscious lips, full of fun. The only thing ruining the picture was Crystal Milne.
Blah, fuck that too.
I took a sanitary towel out of my bag and raised my hand, waving it clearly at my very male teacher. His cheeks filled with redness and he shyly nodded his head. Worked like magic, every time.
I slotted coins into the vending machine and keyed in the numbers for a Reece's bar. Mr De Luca had his classroom door open and I could hear words roll off his tongue in that French lint. I looked through the window of his classroom discreetly because I knew Arlo took French after lunch on Tuesdays.
My eyes scanned the classroom until I noticed him, sitting on the back row leaning into a girl, Crystal.
She had her arm stretched across the table and he was holding it, drawing on it with a pen. Then he put the pen down and used his index finger to trace over whatever he had drawn. My blood began to boil. I didn't want him touching somebody else.
But I also had no right to be jealous.
I turned him down.
God, I fucking hate myself.
No, I'm not jealous. You know what it is? It's his inability to settle. I'm not seeing him with one person and getting used to that idea, I'm seeing him every person but me and it hurts. It hurts that he won't even speak to me after all I did for him.
Would Crystal run into the freeway to help him during a manic episode?
Does he even know what a shit storm he has caused for me?
Does he even care?
This morning it was Tamera, right now it's Crystal. Last night it was Carlton. I don't want to think about that. Fuck, now I couldn't stop thinking about it.
His car pulled up in the driveway, I could recognise the familiar rumble of his engine anywhere. It had undergone an extensive repair and had a new lick of paint but it was still the same car - a sparkling white Audi.
I swept my ivory voile drapes back, peering out like a creepy neighbour. He wasn't alone. Carlton got out and ran his finger along the smooth roof of the car. I watched them talk back and fourth about it and smiled to myself, it was endearing how proud Arlo was of his car. But my smile was pierced and deflated when Arlo leaned Carlton up against the car and kissed him.
I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. I wanted to do something. Something to get his attention.
"You know what to do to get his attention." Lexis words crashed into my skull like a chainsaw, ripping my rational thoughts to shreds.
I looked at my phone, it sat lonesome on my bed and I thought back to Lexis pictures. They were sexy. She had beautiful underwear made for an adult. I had cotton panties with cute little rabbit faces on or the days of the week written across the crotch. It was down right embarrassing. I couldn't send him a picture of myself wearing them.
I tugged my lip between my teeth, glancing back at Arlo's now empty driveway. They had gone into the house, into his bedroom I bet. What were they doing in there?
Fuck it.
I stood closer to the camera, unclasped my bra and tossed it aside. Then I positioned myself on a backwards-side angle and narrowly covered my breasts so that there was a decent amount of side boob visible but no nipple. I convinced myself it wasn't that bad. It was mostly a picture of my exposed back but for someone who always remained covered from shoulders to knees I felt naked.
I attached it into a message to him, double checking a thousand times it was only to him and then hovered over the send button feeling nervous but excited to send it.
But I couldn't do it.
Deep down I knew it wasn't fair to Arlo. So I swiped up and closed down the message.
Her laugh pulled me out of my flashback. He swept back her hair over her shoulder and whispered in her ear, she giggled loudly, again. Chill Crystal, he's not that funny, calm down. Her hand moved over his chest, feeling the crisp cotton of his shirt and my veins froze causing my blood to run cold.
I pulled the phone out of my back pocket and very violently pressed the screen, attached the picture and sent the message.
He held his index finger up at Crystal telling her to wait one moment and then pulled out his phone. My stomach lurched. Shit, what was I thinking? I wasn't sexy, the picture would probably make him laugh.
My cheeks went up in flames as he set his mahogany eyes on the screen and they only bulged bigger at the sight.
He looked around at the people surrounding him and moved his phone screen away from their eyes. Then the confusion set in. His little mouth worded 'what?' and he got small bumps on his forehead where his thoughts gathered beneath.
Slowly he took another look at his phone, cheeks turned rosy before my eyes and his hand gripped the edge of the table really, really tightly.
Crystal kept trying to talk to him but it was clear now he wasn't interested. I smiled to myself.
For someone with an attention deficiency his attention was successfully captured and now all I needed to do was wait for him to reply.