"Stop it," I said giggling as Roman's hand travelled dangerously low. We were in bed doing some revision for college but as soon as Roman decided he was done, he'd been trying to touch me every chance he got.
It started with him putting his leg on mine and then resting his head on my shoulder and then him kissing my hands and taking my face to direct my lips onto his.
"But this is so much more fun than revision," he complained.
"But revision is so much more important," I retorted.
"History is more important than me?"
"Right now, yes."
"Rude," Roman huffed as he stopped touching me. "Be like that then."
"I'm not gonna let you make me feel bad about this," I replied.
"It's okay, I'm only joking," Roman said giving me a kiss and going back to his work.
An hour or so later I'd become too distracted to concentrate on what I was meant to be doing. Roman wasn't even touching me in the slightest. I was just watching him, as creepy as it sounds. He was hands down the most gorgeous guy I had laid eyes upon and maybe that was slightly biased now because he was actually mine.
I loved the way his eyes searched my whole body when I was laid bare for him. I loved how protective he was of the people he cared about, how fun and kind he was, how he could take my teasing, and how amazing he could make me feel. He made me feel like I was actually worth something and that feeling came as a rarity to me.
"Roman..." I called him gently.
"Yeah babe?" he replied not turning from his phone to look at me.
"Roman," I called again nudging his arm to make him look.
"Yeah?" he said this time actually looking me in the eyes.
"I think I'm done with the revision..." I said hoping he understood what I was trying to say.
"Okay, cool?"
"Oh my God, Roman. Do you wanna take my clothes off or what," I said frustrated.
"Thought revision was more important," he teased already putting his phone away.
"Yeah, but I'm done," I said climbing into his lap.
I straddled him as we made out, my tongue caressing his in a dance. My hands roamed his neck and his roamed my hips and slowly travelled down to my bum which he squeezed as he pushed me flush against him. I could feel his hard member against me and began grinding my bum against it. He must have enjoyed it because he flipped us over and climbed between my legs to rub both our members together.
His hands were everywhere as he undressed me. I prepped myself before he came over because I knew there would be a high chance that we would be doing this right now so when he pushed his finger slick with my own spit inside me there was only pleasure; no worry or doubts.
"Use lube," I said when I started to feel the spit drying up.
Roman did as I asked and used more fingers to slowly work me open and then he turned me around, into what was slowly becoming one of our favourite positions.
When he was inside of me, his thick member balls deep and making me whimper, everything felt right. The way he held me flush against him, the way he kissed my back, and my neck where there was no scar, the way he said such dirty things in my ear that somehow felt so endearing at the same time. Being with Roman intimately like this was definitely one of my favourite experiences.
"You feel so good," Roman said next to my face before we were making out. I gasped at every deep thrust he gave me until I had to tell him to take it a little easier again. He was big and so deep inside of me.
His hand was on my left shoulder squeezing harshly as he took his pleasure while giving me pleasure. It squeezed tight, so tight that I wondered if it would leave a mark.
His hand was moving closer to my neck though. His other hand was on my dick pumping away and I could feel his forehead pressed against my back as my bum was arched high into the air and my face getting smothered in the sheets. But his hand on my shoulder was moving closer to my neck than I would have liked it to be. I don't think he even realised he was doing it. But it was too close now.
And then suddenly things didn't feel good anymore. His hand was somewhat on my scar and that was enough to trigger the memory. A flash into the past of my worst pain. A blade against my neck, slicing open, my parents' blood and mine intermingling between my fingers, blood still on my hands, blood pouring out of my neck.
"Stop!" I said panicked as I pulled away from Roman. "Stop, stop, stop."
"Baby? What's wrong?" Roman asked already taking his hands and body off me and giving me the space that I so desperately needed right now.
I think I was having a panic attack, and maybe hiding my face behind my hands wasn't the best idea when I needed air, but I didn't want Roman seeing me like this. I was naked and crying and I couldn't breathe. It must have been such a pathetic sight.
"What happened Alden? Please tell me what's wrong," Roman said when I still hadn't spoken.
He pulled the covers from under me and put it over me to shield me from the cold. It wasn't even that cold, but I was shivering.
I still couldn't speak for some time as I tried to calm down which made Roman more worried. Though he was good to me in that he didn't try to touch me again, not until he was sure he could.
"You got too close to me scar," I said in such a quiet voice I don't even know if it was audible. "You touched it."
"I did? Fuck, baby I'm so sorry. I didn't realise. I swear. I would never do it on purpose. I'm so sorry," Roman said for some time, each iteration of speech being some kind of apology.
"I know you didn't mean to," I said when he stopped talking and I could actually get a few words in. "Have to be more mindful... of what you're doing. It was so good but then I was... I felt scared."
"I know. Fuck. I'm so sorry. I can't believe I'd be so stupid. It was just so good I could barely think," Roman said. My face was still hidden behind my hands, but I'd pulled the covers over me now as well. I hated when he would see me having some sort of breakdown.
"Will you hold me?" I asked because Roman still always brought me some sense of comfort. But the covers muffled my sound, and he couldn't understand what I'd said as I was still so quiet.
"What was that?" he asked. I pulled the covers away from my face and repeated myself. "Course I will. Are you sure that's what you want? I understand if you don't want me around right now."
"Just hold me."
And so Roman did.
I could feel his member soften against my back, mine having gone down already. I felt bad. Neither of us got to cum and I was just sad now. I know it wasn't my fault, but somehow, I still felt guilty. For so long my only worth had been giving someone else pleasure and I couldn't even do that right now.
"I'm so sorry," Roman whispered again after some time.
"I forgive you," I replied. He should have put more thought into where his hand was, when I have such a strong boundary that sends me into a PTSD episode, but I could forgive him for it. I know he didn't mean it and I know he'll be more careful in the future.
"Thank you... I'm not sure I deserve it though," he said.
"Good thing I get to decide if you're forgiven then, because you are."
"I'm not sure I can forgive myself though..."
"You have to. Or you'll be too scared to have sex with me again and that's unfair on me. Well, both of us, but mainly me," I said trying to somewhat joke.
"I'll try my best. But can I do something to try and make up for it. Something that isn't just saying I'm sorry."
"Why? You got something in mind?" I asked bringing his hand to my chest and holding it against me as I traced his knuckles that were almost healed now from the bruising that was there before.
"I could paint your nails? It will actually look good this time. Genie and my mum have been letting me practice on them," Roman said making me smile. My heart rate was still up, but I could slowly feel it coming back down.
"You've been practicing?" I asked turning to him. My nose bopped his.
"Yeah. I wanted to be able to do them well for you. Or I can take you to a salon to go them done properly," he said.
"Hmm, I'm not sure I'd like them so long though."
"You don't have to get them long. They can do designs 'n stuff on short nails too."
I looked at my nails in thought.
"Want you to do them for me. But maybe when they chip off you can take me to get them done. Only if you still want to," I said adding the last part in. I didn't want to seem spoilt.
"Course," he said before getting up and going to my desk where I kept a little basket of different coloured nail polishes. He also grabbed the hoodie he was wearing earlier. "In case you get cold," he explained as he brought it over and helped put it on me when I sat up. "You want wanna put on some underwear too?" I shook my head no and he climbed back into bed with me. I kept the covers over my legs and placed my hands onto his lap so he could paint them.
He definitely had improved. He only got some on my skin once and it was only a tiny bit, so it was okay. I chose a lavender colour out of the assortment of polishes he brought over, and he painted each nail with meticulous concentration. It was very cute.
"Thank you," I told him when he was done. I inspected my nails and found I was very happy with them. "I love them."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
"I'm sorry again about earlier."
"It's okay. I forgave you remember."
He nodded and held my hands as my nail dried. "You have pretty hands."
"Pretty hands?"
"Yeah. They're pretty. Pretty just like the rest of you."
I scoffed. "I'm okay, I guess. I haven't shaved though."
"So?"
"I don't know. You've been with girls, so I don't know what your stance is on body hair, cos they probably didn't have much."
"It's not really something I care about babe."
"Oh, okay."
"I think you're beautiful. Just the way you want to be. Hair or nor hair, makeup or no makeup, clothes or no clothes," he said joking at the end. "As long as you're you, and you're happy, then I'm happy too."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah," Roman confirmed. "Which is why I hate how I hurt you earlier. I swear it will never happen again. I'll make sure I know exactly where my hands are from now on."
"You don't have to do that. I mean you do, but only if they're like on my shoulders or near my neck some other way. If they're on me somewhere they can't reach my scar, please still let yourself get lost in me. I love getting lost in you."
Roman chuckled and said 'okay' with a smile. "I promise I'll still get lost in you then."
"And I, you," I promised back.
~~~~~~~~~