It's Sunday.
I am sitting on my bed, my laptop in front of me.
I have my phone pinned between my shoulder and ear. I've been on a call with Chan for just about half an hour now, and I've been waiting for a good moment to ask him something that has to do with the surprise I'm planning.
I think I'll just have to be straightforward with it.
"... and then he said we have to put in more bass this time like we don't already have enough of that."
I answer," Yeah, that sucks. Listen, I've been meaning to ask something."
I take a deep breath. Hopefully this won't blow all my work.
"I've been planning on doing a bigger project for the channel and I wanted to ask if you and the boys would be interested in helping me. I already asked Jung Wook and he agreed to the idea, but I think it would be good if you asked your managers if it's alright, too."
"Of course," he answers straight away, "What's the plan?"
I squeeze my eyes shut and shrug, as if he could actually see me.
"Uhm, I was planning on filming on this island Jeju. You know it, right?"
Chan thinks, "Yeah, I think the girls from ITZY went there last year somewhere. It's supposed to be really nice. I can't believe Jung Wook signed off on that, you're really lucky."
I scratch my forehead.
"Yeah," I chuckle but it sounds fake even to me, "I guess he felt generous or something that day. Anyways, we'd probably be gone for like three days and I have everything planned out, so just let me know if you need the details on everything."
Details I have collected in a fake document. Fake time table, fake project idea. Just in case he'll read over it, which I would expect from Chan. He's a nosy person even though he pretends he isn't.
"Alright, I gotta go," there is a door closing on Chan's side of the phone, "I'm in the studio and about to do the vlive. Are you gonna watch?"
I chuckle. "No, I have work to do but I'm sure I'll see screenshots of it later on."
"Alright, see you later, Ollie!"
"Bye, Channie!"
We hang up and I open the writing document on my laptop. The report on my surprise project is halfway done, but I've been avoiding finishing it for days now. Jung Wook has reminded me twice already to get it done and sent over to him.
My phone chimes and I read the notification.
Chan's Room Episode 795 has started
I tap onto the bar and the app opens.
I lied to Chan about not watching his vlives.
In full disclosure, I have been watching every single episode since we met. I never tell him that I'm watching him, because I fear it might make him uncomfortable. But I enjoy watching him chat and be in front of the camera. I enjoy looking at his face without being judged or questioned about it. Like I can do it in secret and no one will ever find out.
Chan has his usual set up and he's already talking when I join.
"It's actually not really a potato, it's a rice ball.."
I lean the phone against my laptop screen and start typing away on my report.
I don't really pay attention to him or what he's saying, but it's nice to have someone talk. It almost feels like he's here with me, filling the silence with his calm voice.
He's laughing and my eyes flit to the phone to catch his huge smile. He's gorgeous. Radiant.
A moment he's quiet, reading the comments, before he's chuckling again, though now his cheeks turn slightly pink. Just like the tips of his ears.
He clears his throat before reading a comment out loud.
"Chan, are you in a relationship now?"
His breath hitches, though I might be the only one noticing because it's nothing more than a second. Like a glitch in the connection.
"Uhm, no," he says then and then shakes his head, laughing slightly, "I am not."
For a moment, he's scanning the comments again, just like me.
Oh, God, no.
Stay are flooding the comments with questions about him dating someone. Him being seen at the park with someone. Yesterday.
He was at the park with me yesterday.
My name falls and I read over the questions.
What about Olivia?
Are you dating Olivia?
Are you in a relationship with Olivia Park?
There are pictures of you with Olivia Park at Han River.
You were cuddling with Olivia at the river yesterday, we saw you!
It goes on and on.
I look at Chan on the small screen and can see he is panicking a little. Unsure of what to say and wether or not to say anything about me at all.
"You know," he says then and I suck in a breath. "When you're an idol there are certain things that are a lot harder than when you're a normal person. And I'm not saying it's impossible, but it's definitely more difficult, I'd say."
I have completely forgotten about the project report, taking my phone and curling up beneath my blanket.
I lean back into my pillows.
Chan continues, "Dating is just one of those things that have a lot of consequences. And when you're an idol you're in the eye of the public and you're very, very busy. It's just hard to put everything under one hat, you know?"
He smiles and scratches his neck.
"And as far as Ollie goes," he adds, "Ollie is one of my, if not my very best friend. I know you guys like her so I'm not worried that you're going to talk bad about her. But we've grown really close over the past months and it's really nice to have someone like her in my life. But right now, dating is definitely out of the question."
He has to say that.
It doesn't mean he actually means it.
He has to say this so the fans won't get mad at him and the company won't get him in trouble. He has to say his to keep the peace. He has to say this so nothing bad will happen to him, or the other boys, or even me.
It doesn't mean he actually means it.
It doesn't mean he doesn't like me the same way I like him.
I stare at the screen and my hands shake, while I'm telling myself this isn't real.
What's real are his words in the dark.
What he whispered to me when it was just us two, is real, what he said to me when no one is watching us. I know what's real. He told me.
But I can't deny it stings to hear him say we're nothing but friends and will never be more.