September 2019
Madiha
4:00 PM
The obstetrician had just completed Noor's C-section when Salman arrived looking surprisingly less distraught than he had that morning. I suppose getting a couple of hours of sleep and knowing that your wife and child were in capable hands was the reassurance he needed.
But that wasn't all that had surprised me in the last hour.
Her husband loves her, were not the words I thought I would ever hear from Omar. The same guy who literally ran away from Noor when he saw her in the food court mere weeks ago. And was ready to tear up everything around him when he heard of her in the ER.
The man who now stood in front of me updating Salman was not the man who had told me that love is vulnerability, in a voice so thick with regret and longing that I had found myself holding my breath, wondering if I would ever have the kind of love that made you feel so deeply even in its absence.
I did not know what to think of that at all, or maybe I needed to ask myself why I was thinking of it at all. How Omar felt about his ex-fiancé had no bearing on my life, I told myself, so stop thinking about him and do your job.
Annoyed at myself for getting distracted I went to join the two men. Omar had just finished explaining the changes we had made in Noor's ventilator setting when the neonatologist opened the ICU door and asked Salman to come in to meet his baby.
"Congratulations, you have a girl! And she is a feisty little one too. We had planned to put a ventilator tube in her to help her breathe but it looks like she will do fine with just supplemental oxygen through a mask"
"Well, she is her mother's daughter", Salman replied with a tired smile, while Omar and I looked at each other with relief and immediately joined the ICU team to discuss starting Noor on epinephrine, a medicine which helps the heart muscle pump better. With that her blood pressure started to climb, and everyone in that room felt a little bit lighter.
The friend, colleague, wife, that we knew had a long way to go. But the improvement we saw in her condition, however slight, was the most reassuring news all day we had received all day.
The neonatologist team started to wheel 'Baby Girl Noor' out in her little incubator and I could see that Salman was trying to make yet another decision; go with his newborn or stay with his wife, "Omar or I could go with your daughter if you want to stay with Noor", I offered.
"Thanks guys", he looked at us and nodded, "Omar could you go? Just want to make sure she does ok on the way there"
"Of course, and...", Omar replied with a slight smile, and extended his hand, "Congrats man"
Salman did not hesitate in reciprocating that gesture, and it struck me how these two men who were arguing in this very room just a few hours ago had managed to put aside their differences for a woman who they both truly cared about.
It was impressive and strange.
*******
5:30 PM
Salman had made a couple of trips to and from the the Neonatal ICU. His daughter was hanging in there, still breathing comfortably through the mask with supplemental Oxygen. She was undergoing a slew of tests to determine if she had the same infection as Noor, putting her father through one anxious moment after another.
"Your shift is over Madi, you should go home now", he told me when I came back into Noor's room after signing out my patients to the evening team.
"I don't mind staying, Salman. You shouldn't be on your own at this time"
He and I weren't best of friends like his wife and I. And he sure had his quirks which raised my blood pressure sometimes, but I respected him to no end. If for no other reason, for the way he treated his wife; with so much tenderness and care that seeing them together made me believe in a forever kind of fairytale love.
"Well, if you're going to stay I think I'll grab something to eat from the cafeteria. Can I get you something too?"
"Oh if you want food, say no more", I told him chuckling as I remembered the stash Omar had bought earlier. Enough to last me a whole week.
Pulling it out of my oversized purse, I gave Salman the option of energy bars, sandwiches and even a salad. My own stomach reminded me of the day I had had so I picked out a snack for myself too.
"Do you always carry half the cafeteria in your bag?", he asked.
"No I just happen to have a very kind intern"
He raised a brow, "Omar?"
"Yes, sweet guy"
"Uh huh", he smirked.
That smirk was why I sometimes wished Salman wouldn't open his mouth, and kept his opinions to himself.
I pursed my lips, "Ok what is that smile supposed to mean"
"Nothing, its just that judging from that Jawad character your bar for men is usually very low", he shrugged and casually bit into his sandwich as if he hadn't just insulted both me and my fiancé in one short sentence. Though the man's ability to utter the honest truth had to be lauded.
I suppose, I should be grateful that he only briefly shared his opinions the one and only time Jawad and I went out to dinner with Salman and Noor.
***Flashback***
"Thank you for doing this", I told Jawad who looked dashing in a black suit with a black shirt whose top buttons were undone giving just a peak of his broad chest. His clean shaved chiseled jaw, hair that was perfectly gelled back and lips that framed pearly whites made him look like a runway model.
In front of him I looked like a dull ugly duckling.
"Of course", he said looking at himself in his Corvette's rearview mirror just before we got out of the car parked in front of the restaurant where we were meeting Noor and Salman.
"Do I look ok?", I asked, peaking at the mirror myself.
He glanced at me and laughed, "You don't look like a disaster the way you usually do"
A sinking feeling settled in the pit of my stomach and I tried to swallow the lump in my throat. This was the first time he had acknowledged the physical difference between us and despite the fact that I was always well aware of it, it hurt.
"That wasn't very nice", I told him quietly.
His hand brushed against mine, and when I met his gaze it didn't have the warmth in it that I would yearn for, but he smiled, "I was just joking. Darken your lipstick and you'll be fine"
Fine. Not beautiful, or gorgeous or, pretty. Just fine.
I looked at myself in the car mirror and knew that he was just speaking the truth, even if it hurt. I took a deep breath, told myself that I shouldn't be weak and feel sad at every little thing. And then I got out of the car, put on my smile and followed by fiancé into the restaurant.
Noor and Salman were already there; Salman with his couldn't-care-less attitude and Noor in all her glowing beauty. They were so different, yet so perfect for each other. As we greeted each other, I couldn't help but reassure myself that if they could work out so well, then Jawad and I should be fine too.
And in the beginning Jawad and I did not seem any different than the married couple who sat across us. We smiled at each other, laughed at jokes, and enjoyed a nice meal at a fancy restaurant.
Then Salman asked the question neither of us was prepared for but lay bare the stark contrast between Salman and Noor, and Jawad and I.
"Where are you applying for fellowship, Madi?"
"St Louis", I replied without thinking. It had one of the best fellowship programs in Infectious Diseases, the subspecialty I had been interested in since medical school. But that had been before my marriage had been arranged to an MBA graduate from New York, the financial hub of the country.
I heard someone scoff and turned to look at Jawad shaking his head, "There is no St Louis in New York sweetheart"
"I know, I meant, that is where I would love to go but..."
"But you know that after marriage your home will be in New York. So that is the only place you will apply to", Jawad finished my sentence with a disturbing finality.
I dared to push back, "We can discuss this later", but that only made matters worse.
His jaw ticked, "There is nothing to discuss, Madiha", he twisted my name, "I have worked very hard to get where I am. And you have a duty to do as a wife"
I could see Noor give her husband a warning look, she knew him too well. When I saw the smirk on his face, I realized I knew him quite well too. And unfortunately he was in no mood to heed his wife's warning.
"Do you know how long it takes to become a doctor, Jawad", Salman asked him, twisting his name the way he had mine, which made my fiancé squirm in his chair.
"Salman, why don't we talk about something else?", Noor intervened, a horrified look in her eyes which darted between the two men.
But he just sat back in his chair, "I can tell you if you don't know; 4 years of undergrad, 4 years of medical college, 3 years of residency. That is 11 freaking years of blood, sweat and grime, and then for those of us interested in a subspecialty there is another 3 years of training"
"So you see, Jawad", he put his arm around Noor's chair, "Madi has worked much harder than you ever will in your life. Maybe you need to start respecting our friend"
Jawad humphed, Salman glared at him. Noor and I exchanged an uncomfortable look.
The rest of the dinner had gone quietly and quickly. Jawad had a few choice words for Salman in the car, but we never spoke about that dinner again. Jawad's ego was badly bruised and I just didn't want to get into another argument.
***End***
"You can be quite an arrogant jerk yourself too you know", I told him, very truthfully.
"Of course, I can. And I am not ashamed to be one in the company of idiots. But you know who never sees that side of me?" he asked looking towards his wife, who remained critical but stable.
"I would never disrespect her in public or private. And you, Madi, are smart enough to know that you deserve the same."
I knew he wasn't wrong. For all my courage and determination within the walls of this hospital, when it came to Jawad I knew I tended to give in and look away a lot more easily than I should. It didn't even have anything to do with him. It had everything to do with my parents.
Not something I wanted to discuss with Salman. He and I had both been born in the US and spent our whole lives here but we had never seen eye to eye on desi parenting styles.
"Well you have bigger issues to deal with right now than to meddle in my love life," I had meant that as a joke, but the moment those words left me Salman's whole demeanor changed.
"You think I don't know that Madi," his voice cracked. "I just desperately need something to take my mind off my issues, because if I start think about the last 24 hours I swear I am going to lose my shit. And I can't do that. Not when my wife and daughter are in ICUs at the opposite ends of this hospital"
Oh, I hadn't even realized that was why he was so talkative with me today. But I understood then that he was just using a coping mechanism the best he could.
"In that case, meddle away my friend," I smiled at him and he mouthed a thank you before settling in his chair.
We finished our snacks in silence, and I was about to put away the left over food when I heard him chuckle.
"So Omar is a sweet guy, huh?"
Oh God, I groaned silently, I had had a feeling he wouldn't let it go.
"He is a sweet intern and a colleague", I clarified.
"Who just happened to buy half the cafeteria for you because he thought you hadn't had lunch?"
"That doesn't mean anything", I insisted, hoping he didn't notice the color in my cheeks.
"Oh yeah?", a smirk was back on his face which made me happy, though I wish it wasn't my disastrous love life that gave him the distraction he needed.
I wished too that I could simply ignore the truth in his words.
"See, I used to buy random food for a colleague too, and then I married her"
But as I would realize soon, there are some truths that you never see coming. And others that leave you devastated. So that even a well-meaning and sweet intern who truly cares cannot provide the distraction you desperately need from your life's issues.
*******
7:00 PM
All in all, this day had been the hardest one in my residency so far. But two hours after my ICU shift ended, as I walked out of the hospital I felt more lighthearted than I had when this day started. Noor had continued to make steady improvement after her C-section, her daughter was doing better than expected and I had left her husband with a handful of granola bars and a smug smile on his face.
It was a lot later in the evening than usual and I wasn't a fan of riding the train at night for almost an hour to my parent's home in the suburbs. I had moved into my own apartment briefly in the beginning of residency. But soon realized that I hated living alone so had moved back in with them, reluctantly accepting that I wasn't built for the lonesome, independent life.
My walk to the train station was uneventful, and luckily the train came soon afterwards. There were only a handful of passengers in the compartment I got in, so I sat on an empty seat and took my laptop out. Usually, I just closed my eyes and listened to music but today I knew that if I did, my mind would go to either the gut wrenching events of the day that I had no intention of replaying in my head, or would mull the words of Salman regarding a particular intern with warm chocolate brown eyes who had this uncanny ability to see through me.
As a physician I could deal with the former, but I had no idea what to do about the latter. For starters he was still junior to me and I needed to maintain a professional relationship with him. Then, he was just recovering from the near death of someone he had once been in love with, even if his feelings towards her had evolved. And lastly, there was the not-so-small matter of the ring on my finger.
Well, time to open up that laptop, I told myself and pulled out the device from my bag.
I tried reading a couple of research papers that I had saved on my desktop, but my mind was completely numb and exhausted and did not absorb a single word. Then I tried playing some mindless game on my phone, but stopped when I realized that my phone only had 5% battery. I tried looking for some gum in my bag next, but that just led to the discovery of a couple of granola bars.
And my mind immediately went to the forbidden land.
That was so sweet of him, I found myself thinking just before I slapped my forehead and whispered, "Stop thinking about him"
Just then the smell of alcohol, urine and sweat all mixed together forced me to look up.
"You searching for something sweetie?", an unkempt middle-aged man, with broken yellow-stained teeth and a bottle of whiskey in one hand, grinned at me. He was standing only a few feet away but was slowly inching towards me, while mumbling something.
Looking around I suddenly realized that somewhere between me being lost in my thoughts and trying to read a research paper, that man and I were the only ones left in our train compartment. My street survival instinct kicked in immediately. I was a city girl after all, even if I lived in the suburbs, and I dialed the last person who had called me without even looking at my phone.
"I am alone on the Red Line train and there is a man harassing me. We are heading west towards Galewood", I blurted out everything that came to mind.
"Madi?", a familiar voice spoke from the other end.
Omar?
I wasn't able reply to him. My phone died.
*******
A cliff hanger! Can you imagine poor Omar's heartrate after getting that call?
Salman and Noor have a little baby girl! She is premature, but her not requiring a ventilator right after birth is an excellent sign.
Thanks for reading! Hope you liked this chapter. Don't forget to vote and let me know your thoughts about this chapter 🙂