L E O
The house was quiet for a change, well as quiet as it could be whenever Maya was round. She had the God forbidden talent of becoming chattier than Atlas at times. Something I never believed to be possible until I'd lived through it myself.
"Where is everyone?" She asked, following me into the kitchen.
"Dunno," I shrugged, taking a seat at the breakfast bar. "Zac's at work, Ace is out with Beck. As for the rest, who knows."
She didn't look pleased with that answer.
"Lily!" Maya screeched without warning, voice near bursting my damn eardrums.
"Jesus Christ," I rubbed my ears and glared at her as I tried my best to soothe my now burst eardrums. "Shut the fuck up."
She rolled her eyes at me, unbothered by my irritation as she began helping herself to the contents of the fridge.
This girl had no shame.
"Make yourself at home, Mi."
"Thanks, babe," she smiled an overly innocent smile, turning to face me with a bottle of Zac's beer in her hand. "You're so sweet."
"Who's screaming?" Grey asked as he entered the kitchen, eyes landing on Maya and me. "I'm guessing it was you?" He nodded towards my friend with a small sigh. It was clear he loved her as much as I did.
"Greyson, it's good to see you."
My brother rolled his eyes as he pulled the beer from Maya's hand.
"How many times do I need to tell you to stop raiding my fridge? You're fifteen, no alcohol." He glared at her, placing the bottle back in the fridge before handing her a water, offering one to me next.
"Shouldn't have left it in there then," She retorted cheekily, pouting at the water bottle. "One beer wouldn't have hurt."
"Leo," Grey turned to me with a look of annoyance, "Why must you bring her here?"
"Your guess is as good as mine."
"Where's Lily?" Maya asked Grey.
"I'm here," my sister announced, running to Maya before wrapping her in a hug.
I watched them for a few seconds, until Grey's voice pulled my attention to him.
"How was therapy?" He asked, actually sounding interested.
"Fine." I mumbled, focusing my eyes to the floor. I didn't want to share anything with him, not when I still felt anxious. Talking about it now would only make each beat of my heart hurt harder. "I'm gonna go to my room."
"No, no, no, no!" Lily grabbed hold of my wrist, smiling pleadingly. "You're going to come to the park with us, right? We're taking Charlie down to the lake."
Don't go, keep your distance.
"It's freezing." I replied honestly, pulling out of her hold. "Charlie will freeze."
She rolled her eyes, brows falling to a frown. "He's not going in the lake, we'll just walk him around it."
"You know for a fact if we go to the lake, he'll go in it." Boy did our Charlie love to swim.
"I'll just keep him on the leash. Stop trying to find ways to get out of this." Lily whined, stomping her foot like a toddler. "Please, come with us." She pouted with her signature puppy-dog eyes, which, might I add, should be illegal.
Don't—
Exhaling loudly, I nodded unenthusiastically. "Yeah, fine."
I didn't have time to react as Lily's body latched itself to mine. I stilled, my breath catching in my throat. Closing my eyes to pray the panic away, I shakily wrapped my arms around her in response, squeezing her tight in hopes that it would hide the tremors.
"Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I've missed hanging out with you so so much! I'm going to get Charlie ready." She told me, finally releasing me from her tight gripped hold even if her words wrapped a noose of guilt around my heart.
I've missed hanging out with you so so much...
It's the way it's meant to be.
"Mhm." I hummed, unable to form any words. Curling my hands tightly into fists, I try to hide the gaining trembles.
Get a grip of yourself, Leo.
As Lily left the kitchen with Maya in tow, I exhaled a shaky breath, feeling like everything in me deflated.
Everything felt distorted, the sound of the tap water running was too loud, Grey's footsteps echoed in my ears louder than they ever had before, Lily and Maya's playful giggles faded as though my ears were trapped with water, the noose from my heart finding it's way to my throat as my jaw locked, withholding all the air from my lungs.
It was too much touching, far too much. I should've known this would happen.
I should've known.
I can't breathe.
It's okay, he's not here, he's not here.
"Le?"
Grey's concerned voice filled my ears, just as a hand finds it's way to my shoulder. I flinch, hard.
Please stop touching me.
"Leo? You okay?"
Opening my eyes, I meet Grey's worried blues. I try to open my mouth and give him my signature I'm fine, but my muscles failed to move. I couldn't speak, only managing a brief, barely recognisable nod.
I need to shower.
"Leo."
"I'm fine," I managed to croak.
"You sure?" He pressed, reaching for me once more. "Anything you wanna talk about? I'm here, you know. I'll always be here."
I moved closer to the door, turning my back on him. "Just a long day," I choke. "Enough talking."
"You barley talk to me anymore, bambino."
The guilt doubles in size as the noose tightens it's grip.
I know. I'm sorry. It's better this way.
"I just... I miss you."
Grey's words send a jolt of pain to my chest. I didn't think any of them would notice the distance I'd been putting between us.
They don't need you.
It's better this way.
"Sorry," I mumbled, walking out of the room without sparing him a glance.
This is what you wanted.
-
TW:
Drugs| Suicidal thoughts.
Mentions of SA & vomit/nausea.
Slamming the door to my bedroom shut, I clicked the lock, needing a minute to find myself before the guilt and panic and fear and blame consumed every inch of me.
I rested my back against the door, sliding to the floor as my heart felt like it was beating out of my chest. It ached, everything ached, until eventually everything numbed.
Slowly, I pushed to my knees and crawled to the other side of the room, heading for the window. I perched myself on the ledge, my favourite place to think, to be.
This was where I would contemplate life, contemplate death. With my legs dangling over the edge, eyes focused solely on the stones gravel two stories below, I just couldn't help but find it too inviting.
Maybe, if I just...
Jump.
No one will miss you.
Stop. Stop. Stop.
With a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes, I shook my head rapidly, hoping each shake would somehow scare off the dark voices of the intruders I could ever see.
It didn't work, it never worked.
Few things ever did.
I reached for the wooden box designed as a treasure chest on the ledge beside me, pulling out a pre-rolled joint from my stash.
This would work— for now.
I brought the drug stick to my lips, flicking the lighter and inhaling all the pungent smoke into my needy lungs, wishing it would work instantly. But it never did.
The longer I sat, the louder everything became. All I wished for was the voices to go.
My head throbbed with a dull ache making its way to my temples. It seemed like a common thing these days, the more the voices would speak, the more painful my head became.
An unimaginable amount of tension built up from this, tension I knew I'd have to release.
One way or another.
I had two main things that helped me release it. Both of which introduced to me by the devil himself.
Marco.
As much as I hate what he has done to me, what he is still doing to me. I have to admit, his ways help. Not all of them, never all of them.
But some do.
Especially what I'll be doing tonight.
"Leo!" A familiar, soft voice called, followed by a hand knocking my locked door a few seconds later. "We're going to the lake now, come on!"
Tapping my fingers on the glass pane of my window, I inhaled another drag of my joint. I can't do it. I can't. I can't I can't. Exhaling the smoke, I work up the courage to break her heart again.
"I'm tired, Lil." I paused, voice coming out scratchy and weak with every lie I push. "I'm going for a nap."
I could hear her sigh from the other side of the wood, the sound hitting me in the chest like a bullet.
"But..." she paused. "You said you'd come."
Distance yourself.
"I'm sorry, I changed my mind."
"Oh, okay." The sadness in her voice sends the guilt laced bullet into a ricochet, pain consuming my senses. Hearing her soft footsteps wonder from my door, the frustration towards myself manifests and I turn, purposely banging my head against the wooden beam surrounding the window.
My head aches, it aches but not enough.
Never enough.
I've let her down again.
It's better this way.
Finishing my smoke, I turn my gaze back to the gravel. I could feel the effects of the drug slowly taking over, though it was nowhere near enough to soothe me fully. As much as my mind felt somewhat dazed, the anxiety was still there, as were the voices, of course.
Tonight should help, tonight should ease the added tension.
Should.
I'm praying it'll help, but I know when I get there I'm going to have to face him, and that sends my gut into a spiral of fear and doubt. You'd think seeing him as often as I do that I'd become numb to the effects of his presence. I wish that were the case.
Truthfully, it was the complete opposite. I was terrified of Marco. I am terrified.
It took me some time to realise he'd been using me all along. That he'd been manipulating me to fill his own animalistic needs. After the first time— two years ago — I couldn't stop him from doing it again, no matter how hard I tried, how hard I fought, how much I begged.
At first, he used his words to trick me, coax me into doing whatever he wanted, constantly telling me it would help. If I continued to let him fix me, as he put it, then I'd stop being a burden and my brothers would finally be proud of me, and soon I'd be able to feel something—something other than nothing.
At least he didn't lie about that; I did feel something.
Fear. So much fucking fear.
As the months went by, I began to realise that Marco was playing me, that he was using all of my own fears against me; the same fears I'd voiced when I confided in him. When I put my trust in him.
One night, I had felt brave enough to call him out, to confront him even though I was so much smaller than he is. I'll never make that mistake again. After that night, the word no meant nothing to Marco, but it still meant everything to me.
You'd think after sleeping with someone willingly, you wouldn't be bothered with them taking what you'd refused; they'd already had you before, what difference did it make?
I was wrong to think that.
It made a difference, a big difference.
It broke me. He broke me.
I broke me.
Physical touch had never been easy for me, but now... I couldn't so much as hug my siblings without being on the verge of hyperventilating.
This was why I had to distance myself.
I couldn't be around them for a long period of time. They were too observant; especially Jack. They'd find out my secrets, and I wouldn't be able to cope with that.
I wouldn't be able to live with that.
How would they see me if they knew? I was already a burden to them as it is, so if they came to know of this, would they think I'm dirty? Would they think I'm weak? Would they see me as nothing more than a pathetic, disgusting waste of space?
They'd know that I gave myself to Marco willingly to began with.
They wouldn't understand how I felt now. No one would.
I didn't even want to do it the first time.
But it wasn't rape then, right? I didn't say yes, but I didn't say no... it was consensual, wasn't it?
I brought this all on myself.
Didn't I?
-
After a scolding hot shower that consisted of scrubbing my skin till it bled crimson on the non-slip mat, I grudgingly dragged myself from my bedroom as Grey called us all down for dinner.
I wasn't hungry. I never felt hungry anymore.
Dinner time was one of my biggest struggles. I couldn't help the anxiety that crept up on me at meal times, there was too many prying eyes, too many questions. It was harder to hide from them in a setting like this. I always felt like a deer caught in headlights whenever their focus latched to me.
The thought of food, let alone the sight or smell, turned my stomach, which was nothing new. Eating became more and more difficult as time went on.
Every bite I forced myself to take became harder to swallow; my throat constricting with the gag I willed myself to hold back. Eventually, I spat the food into my napkin instead of forcing it down my throat, it was too much of a reminder.
But I hid it well, at least, I hope I did.
"You okay?"
Maybe I didn't hide it as well as I thought.
I glanced at Alex and hummed.
"M'fine."
"You sure," Jack chimed in. "You look a little pale."
I'm pale because all I want to do is throw this shit up.
"I'm fine." I repeated with a clenched jaw. The constant questioning was going to attract more attention, and I really didn't want that.
"Let me," Callan cut in this time, and my breath caught as his hand came down on my forehead, a cold sweat breaking out in the palm of my hands.
"I said I'm fucking fine." I snapped, pushing his hand away as it rested on my sticky skin. I was frantic, panicked and fearful. Everything began to blue and I could hear my heartbeat echoing in my ears. "Don't touch me! Never touch me!" I whispered, pleading, begging.
"What's going on?" Zac turned his attention to us, his eyes automatically locking on mine. I tried to force my gaze elsewhere, but, alas, I always seem to fail when it comes to my wants.
It was only now I realised the whole table had gone silent, everyone's attention solely focused on me.
Great fucking great.
"Nothing." I said, voice a mumble wrapped in a wheeze.
How stupid are you.
Zac didn't appreciate my answer, dark blue eyes never straying from my face. "Leo..."
"I said nothing," I snapped, wishing he would just listen, they would just listen, just look, just fucking see me for what I want rather than what they expect. "Why the fuck can't any of you just listen to me?"
I need to get out of here. I can't handle this.
"Leo," Callan looked at me so softly, like he wanted to see but didn't know what to look for. It was always Callan. "It's okay."
"I'm going out." I announced, standing from the table. They could keep their fucking pity-party for themselves. I, for one, didn't need it.
"No, you're not." Grey snapped, eyes hardening. Want to bet on that brother? "Sit down." He commanded, like I was some kind of fucking dog.
I scoffed, "You want me to fucking bark for you next?"
"Leo," he sighed, jaw clenching.
"Fuck this," I shook my head. "Emilio's outside. I need to go."
"Emilio can wait." Zac said, standing from his chair and walking towards me. He took a hold of my sleeve, pulling me from the dinning room to the kitchen, away from the prying ears of our siblings.
"What was that all about, bambino?" He asked softly, rubbing his thumb against the back of my palm.
He frowned and watched me closely when I snatched my arm back, quickly pulling it from his loving hold. Clenching my hands into firsts so tight I could feel the blood of my palms invade my nail beds, I forced myself to meet Zac's gaze.
He's not here.
"They wouldn't leave me alone." I shrugged, like it was no big deal. "That's it."
"So Alex asking if you're okay caused you to snap at him?" Zac raised an eyebrow, not buying my bullshit.
"Not just Alex, Jack and Cal too."
"That's just how Callan is, Jack too," he told me like I didn't know that, like I didn't already feel guilty for biting their heads off. It wasn't in Alex's character to let something that puzzled him go, I should've made a better response than fine.
"I don't want to piss you off," Zac said, and paused. "But, are you okay?"
"I'm fine," I gritted my teeth, eyes begging him to just let it go. "I had a shit session with Charlie, that's all."
Zac seemed to buy it, lips slipping to a sad smile.
"You wanna talk about it?" He offered, melting away part of my defence walls. "I can make us some hot chocolate and we could sit out in the garden like we used to when you were little, just the two of us?"
"No, I can't." I declined. Two years ago, before everything happened, before he happened, this offer would've been like heaven on earth. Not now, never now. I couldn't share my secrets with Zac, with any of them. "I have to go. I don't wanna keep Em waiting any longer."
"Okay," he didn't seem to keen, voice hesitant. "We'll talk when you're home, okay?"
"Sure." Nope.
His hand hovered in the air between us before he let it fall to his side.
"Be back for nine."
"I'm actually going to stay with Emilio tonight," I lied. It didn't start until 8, I wouldn't make it home by curfew. "If that's okay."
Zac was silent for a few moments, eyes showing just how much he didn't want to agree. I had to agree, I needed him to agree.
Jutting my bottom lip out into a pout, I mirrored Lily's puppy dog expression.
"Please?"
"Okay," Zac caved. "That's fine, but I expect you home early tomorrow for our chat."
"Thank you." I smiled and began making my way out of the kitchen.
"Don't I get a hug goodbye?" I could hear something linger in his voice, longing? Hurt? I wasn't sure which.
"Sorry, no time." I called over my shoulder and headed down the hallway.
Grabbing my backpack from the bottom of the staircase, I didn't look back as I made my way out of the house towards Emilio's awaiting car.
Emmy smiled as I slid in beside him. He always smiled at me.
I liked his smile.
"Has Marco said who you're fighting yet?" He asked, a hint of dread seeping in. He tried to hide it, cover it with a cough, but I knew him well enough to know that he was nervous.
I held back a flinch at just the sound of that name leaving my best friends, my Emmy's mouth.
As much as he disliked the fact, Emilio knew Marco was my friend. He didn't know how we'd become aquatinted, nor did he know of anything else, only where I was going tonight and partly why. He knew this helped me, but he didn't know the extent of my depts to Marco.
"No," I swallowed. "Haven't heard from him."
Not yet.
***
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