Decisions, outcomes, mistakes. These are three things that everyone is faced with everyday. I have always believed that these are the things that show the sort of person you are: to go left instead of right everyday just through habit, to tell the truth because you can't live with the guilt of lying and above all to live according to what your heart wants. There is nothing as unique as a person and their decisions only reflect this.
I made countless decisions when I first met Ivy. The first being to let myself like her which felt both complicated and simplistic at the same time. So with my head a jumble of confusion and want I let my soul guide me. After that, everything else fell into place - telling Alex and Noah I was gay and introducing them to ivy. Becoming Ivy's girlfriend only came naturally after that even if the days did involve,what I now refer to as, a minor tantrum.
But then I came out to my mum.
I'm not sure what would have happened if I'd done it differently. Looking back, it could have gone different but then again it could have been the same. The thought comes to me sometimes, it lies at the back of my mind when I can't sleep: what would have happened if... But I will never know; that knowledge isn't mine to have and I'm not entirely sure if my mum even knows. All we can do is speculate. Speculation leads to bad decisions.
*
*
*
"Mum"
She was stood on the other side of the bridge, a small shoulder bag zip between her fingers. The women I knew as my mother, the woman I owed my existence to, didn't move her feet - in fact the only movement she did were her fingers rolling the zip between them. Was that surprising? I guess so. I don't know what I expected, I think i assumed she'd turn her back on my once again.
Like the way she just kept washing that fucking jumper.
"Can't even talk to me now?" I asked
And I felt the rage. The anger. My mother, the person who was always there despite having to
work ridiculous hour and look after 3 other kids, did not look like she was suffering. She looked normal, her tight jeans looked the same, her long raincoat was the same and her eyes hadn't changed. But they couldn't meet mine.
So I took a step, the pressure of being close to her was overpowering and yet I wanted more.
"Brooke" one word. My name. But it felt wrong coming out of her mouth, like it didn't belong there.
"Yeah"
And then nothing, an emptiness surrounding the two of us. This wasn't my mother who raised me, this was a stranger in front of me - a woman who was compelled in two directions, her morals and her daughter. The thing I couldn't understand was why wasn't she choosing me. After everything I had done for her, I looked after my siblings and cooked while keeping the house clean. Was she ignorant to that? Or did she not care?
I wanted to scream "I'm done"
That was when she started paying attention. Immediately, her eyes focused on mine with a challenging glare. "You're done?"
"I'm done"
It was her turn to take a step.
"You don't get to be done with your family"
"And you don't want me. I'm family"
Then nothing again. Heat in her eyes get no sound from her mouth, she didn't know what to say. It stung that she didn't argue because truly that is what I wanted.
"I need time"
"And I need you" I yelled "but both of us don't get what we want"
"This is difficult and you know that"
"Im gay and it's 2022"
She didn't say anything after that. Frozen as if moving any closer would result in... contagion?
"Bye mum"
I walked away, heading further into the village again. Distance was a beautiful thing, whether or not it would make my heart grow fonder was a different matter, and it's all I wanted at that moment. The chill in the air had increased making for an unpleasant walk into the bookshop. However, the advantage was that as the cold seeped into my eyes I did have to blink away my tears. They ran freely, cold lines sliding across my face.
Cold.
The bookshop provide refuge, although it wasn't big it was full. Books of all shapes and sized lines the walls, classics on one side in alphabetical order but from there, it was just 3 other sections: Fiction, Biographical, Other. Nothing fancy or particularly extravagant and even difficult to locate books at times, but it was what I knew.
As I flicked through a copy of Rebecca my phone began buzzing again. And shit, the time. Sure enough it was 2.05 and that was ivy.
'Hey'
'Hi, I've just finished'
'Good lesson?'
'Yeah actually, anyway where should I meet you?'
'You know Brown Bookshop?'
'Yeah'
'I'll see you soon'
'Wait'
I paused, with my finger covering over the end call button.
'Brooke are you okay?'
'Can we talk about it later?'
'Of course, I'll see you soon'
I felt rude as I hung up the phone but there wasn't really another option of what to do. So I picked Rebecca back up again and sank down next to the the shelves. From where I sat I could see the till and the floppy haired guy at it. He couldn't have been much older then me, but there was something mature about him or maybe that's just what I attributed to people reading War and Peace. Clearly, he was engrossed by the novel, I hadn't read it but from the concentration I thought maybe I should. He had barely looked up when I walked in and continued to ignore my presence, a few other people wandered around but none were speaking leaving a sort of peacefulness about the place, it felt safe.
The breeze rushed through the door when Ivy came through and as I saw her standing in front of me I couldn't help but be reminded of how ivy had done that in my life. She was fresh air in a stale world, and I couldn't help but want more of her.
"Hi" she said awkwardly shuffling.
I stood up and walked towards her instantly wrapping my arms around her. And I was real again. Vanilla and mens deodorant grounded me as I gulped in a breath, this was what happiness felt like.
"Brooke are you okay?"
Was I?
I pulled away from her, wanting her to see the truth in my eyes when I replied,
"I am now"
Ivy brought my hand into hers a comfort more then anything. The privilege of this intimacy was not lost in me, because being with ivy was a privilege and one I was careful not to waste.
"You ready to go?"
"Yeah"
Before I walked out, I allowed just one last look at the guy sat on the till. He was near the end of the book and his eyes didn't even flick up from the page as we let the cold in once again.
*
"You said what?" disbelief embroidered through Ivy's voice, making me squirm.
"I told her I was done"
Ivy sighed "No after that"
"I'm gay and it's 2022"
"Yeah that" she sighed.
I watched her face hopeful to see some indication of what she was thinking but, this was ivy, there was none.
"Please can you just tell me what your thinking I can't even begin to guess?"
"I think" ivy began, "that was a powerful thing to say"
Annoyance laced in my tone I replied "What does that mean?"
"Maybe saying it like that wasn't the best"
I looked at my girlfriend in disbelief. Pain, annoyance and anger surfaced and I was just a jumble of emotions.
"Brooke the way your mum has handled things is all wrong"
"But" I whispered, scared my voice would crack.
"It is difficult for her to wrap her head around"
I rolled my eyes. Ivy looked at me, a kindness in her eyes but it was only infuriating to look at.
"Everyone thought you were straight and to her you've just turned gay"
"I've discovered the other part of my bisexuality"
Ivy smiled at me kindly, which to be honest was just fuelling my eye rolling, "she's confused just like you were"
"Whatever"
Silence fell as if so often did, but this was different - this was filled with something. Something worse then sadness. Maybe part of me wanted to cry, wanted to break down but I was tired of that too. Because that wasn't me, I didn't need Ivy to pick me up and pull my together which is all she seemed to be doing. And it made me want to scream.
From across the sofa I saw ivy pull out her phone, her hand moved rapidly telling me she was texting. I didn't care, maybe I should have cared but the one thing I was secure in was our relationship. Anxiety was a reality I lived with but Ivy never gave me any.
"You can drive can't you?" Ivy asked
I blinked "What?"
"Driving license, do you have one?" she rephrased
I nodded "only my provisional in my purse"
"Okay then"
Ivy stood up and walked towards me with an extended hand. Immediately, I remembered the first time she took me over to the stream. When at lunch she offered to take me somewhere with an extended hand, I remembered nervous feeling in my stomach and the combination of outcomes I thought of. Just like then I placed my hand in hers and let her guide me to her car.
Once we were outside I turned to her again, but she just took the opportunity to offer me her car keys.
"You can't be serious" I scoffed
"You trust me?"
"Of course"
"Then let's drive"
I let the keys drop into my hand then I walked to the opposite side of the car and unlocked the door. My hunch that it would be weird was completely correct, moreover it felt odd to even be in the driving seat of that car. I hadn't driven in at least a month and so starting the car let alone reversing out felt a little rusty.
"I'm warning you this might not be the smoothest drive"
"I'm here for all the bumps in the road"
And I couldn't help but ask myself if she truly was.
"Where do you wanna go?" I questioned
"Wherever"
I began driving off the property, my eyes on the road as the 5pm light began to fade and darkness began to consume everything.
"I want a milkshake" I stated
"Mind going somewhere vegan?"
"Give me directions and I'm there"
"Okay"
So that's what we did. Ivy, really badly, guided me around the curves of the countryside and the main roads, she kept talking in the background. It was actually more peaceful then usual, my focus on the road while ivy was just an added bonus. Probably the point, but between the two activities I didn't have the chance to overthink it.
"Okay what do you want?" Ivy asked as we sat in the small desert place.
It had taken half an hour to drive there, the journey prolonged through bad directions and general driving issues but overall it had been pleasant. My anger had vanished and although the disappointment lingered I felt much more me.
"No what do you want?" I countered
Ivy raised her eyebrow at me, this was about to be the most straight scene we'd ever recreate.
"I'm paying" ivy stated
"You always pay so it's my turn"
"You bought me a brownie" she replied "my turn"
"That's not how that works"
"You wanna share a hot cookie dough?"
"Ivy you can't just change the subject"
"I kinda want the white chocolate but we can always do milk chocolate"
"Ivy"
"Unless you just want an oatshake" she paused "or almond shake, what milk do you want?"
I looked up at her and rolled my eyes. Her face was consumed with a stupid ivy smug smile. The ball was in my court, it was testing me to see how stubborn I was going to be. My girlfriend was an absolute shit in other words.
"White chocolate sounds good, and the Oreo almond shake"
Ivy smirked, she knew she'd won and was satisfied with my loss. I flipped her off as she went over to order and only glared more when she winked at me.
"Cocky shit" I mouthed.
Upon her return with two milkshake, sorry two nomilkshakes, I noticed a look in her eyes I hadn't seen before yet I couldn't pin point.
"You're hot" I stated as she slid mine over to me.
Ivy flushed slightly, not enough to really be noticeable unless you were watching, but I was watching.
"And they say it's so hard to please a girl"
"Let me try yours and I'll throw in a make out session in your car before we go"
Our eyes locked as she pushed the drink closer to me. If I wasn't in public I would have laughed, or chocked, but instead I just shook my head. Teasing ivy had to be the most fun activity.
"What is it?" I asked
"Biscoff"
True to my word, I took the straw in my mouth and had a sip of Ivy's drink.
"Oat milk" I commented
"Good observation"
"I'm just skilled"
She nodded at me "of course"
I pushed the drink back to her and threw my hair, ironically, over my shoulder.
"We don't really do dates do we?" I thought out loud.
"No" ivy agreed "I guess not"
"Shit that sounds like I'm criticising I'm not trying to"
"Brooke look at me"
Per Ivy's request, I looked up at her letting her dominate the eye contact. Her eyes were soft, a calmness within that I wished to posses.
"I'm not going to be offended unless you are trying to insult me"
"You don't know that" I argued
"No but I do know you"
Just as the words existed her mouth, a waitress came with our food.
"Jesus Ivy I'm glad I agreed to share"
"Hence the lack of choice" she laughed
"I could have said no"
Ivy just raised her eyebrows "I would have got it anyway"
"Stubborn shit" I mumbled picking up a spoon and dipping into the molten cookie.
"What was that"
"Nothing"
She took a bite of the the desert then gave me one of Ivy's 'looks',this one full of authoritative questioning "sure"
I did keep to my promise. Once Ivy and I had finished we made our way back to her car, laughter consuming the atmosphere. That was until I looked at her a little too closely, her lips too near to resist. So then I was on her. Straddling my girlfriend in the passenger seat of the car park, unsure of anything else I'd rather be doing. Fire and ice, opposites attracting and drawing together. The way our lips met was nothing but exciting and, with my arms wrapped around her neck and her hands on my waist, I couldn't help but lean more into it. The only comparisons I have it's attached the want to never be separated again even though in a few short minutes we were.