"You're gone, gone, gone away
I watched you disappear
All that's left is a ghost of you."
- Little Talks
Of Monsters and Men
Trigger Warning for blood
I was suddenly 12 years old again.
I hear a person behind me clear his throat. I turn around. "May I have this dance?" The boy asks, nervous but excited.
"Why not?" I ask and take his outstretched hand. He leads me into the middle of the ballroom.
"Do you have to leave?" He asks me, a hint of sadness in his voice.
"My parents obviously don't want me around," I say. "But I'll come back, I promise you."
"What if I'm not around?" He asks me.
"Well then I'll find you. Aren't you going to be here though?"
"I'm the prince, I'm going to have to be here."
"True," I say as he spins me around.
"Nikolai!" A snobby voice calls. "Get over here, you bastard!"
The boy stops, frozen. "I'm sorry," he says. "I have to go."
And he left.
↢ ᰔ ↣
"Can you describe it?" A voice says. Tamar's voice. I can't bring myself to open my eyes, so I just lay there, listening.
"I can," Sturmhond's voice. "But I'm not sure any of you will believe it."
"We just fought off the Darkling and put our lives at stake for you, kapitan," Tolya says this time. "We lost eight men, whatever happened with her, we deserve to know."
Sturmhond sighs, and gives in. "Before we got away, before the Summoner pushed back the darkness, I saw one of the, er," he pauses. His voice is shaking. "One of the nichovo'ya, the shadow soldiers, was behind her, behind Lyra."
They are talking about me?
"And then, it just- it just went inside her." He continued. "And then, she flew up into the air, but it looked like she got thrown up, and back down, hard."
I can't see him, but I can tell he's scared, along with Tolya and Tamar.
"There's something more, something you're not telling us," Tamar says, but it comes out as more of a question.
"When she was up—in the air, I mean—there was, lightning, purple lightning."
Tolya and Tamar both audibly gasped at this.
Is that what had happened to me?
Then, the darkness seeped in again.
↢ ᰔ ↣
The moon was shining bright over a beautiful ship. The Volkvolny. The wooden deck had an eerie effect in the dim moonlight. An invisible force wants to pull me closer to the ship, and I give in. The invisible force pulled me closer to the ship, and had me on the deck.
"Lyra!" Some voices call from below decks.
I feel sick to my stomach as I walk towards where the voices come from.
"Help us!" The same voices shout in fear.
Blood was coating the walls and running down the stairs. The wooden floor was rotting and decaying in my footsteps.
Some whispers ran through my mind, this world isn't for the living.
Something told me what I was looking for, I would find through the door at the end of the hallway. I move forward, as the ship rocks, forward and backward. The vines bursting through the wood were reaching for my ankles as I moved forward.
"Lyra! Hurry up! He's coming!" The door knob rattled, and someone or something was banging on the door.
I fastened my pace, and gently turned the door handle, afraid that it would shatter under the pressure of my grip. The door led to a kitchen, the fruit bowl on the counter had rotting fruit in it. My gaze wandered around the room, and found a body laying on the floor.
My younger self. Bleeding out from the neck and the stomach, holding my favourite toy when I was younger. A lion plushy. It had scratches on it and the fluff was coming out.
I walked further in and saw another body. A boy about the same age as my younger self. Blond hair, hazel eyes, wearing clothes fit for a royal. Saints, no. A tear left my eye, but I quickly wiped it away.
"Lyra!" The voices screamed again for further in, followed by a shriek.
I saw a trail of footprints, muddy and blood red. I practically ran, following the trail. I found my way to a dark room. Three bodies lay there.
Tolya's muscular form, a series of deep cuts across his torso, his leg in an uncomfortable looking position, and a sword in his hand. Tamar's body, her clothes torn, her eye balls rolled backwards in her head, dried blood oozing from her mouth.
And the third figure. Sturmhond. His clothes looked like they'd almost been ripped off, the cuts on his body showing, and they were still oozing blood. His face looked badly beaten up, and his arm was laying in a weird angle. He had once been handsome, I realised as I observed him.
I blinked back tears with a heavy heart, as I followed the other bloodied footprints. They lead me back out onto the deck. I saw a figure with their back to me, and it started to turn around.
"Oh Lyra, you should have joined me when you had the chance." I recognised the cool voice as the Darkling's. "You and I could have changed the world together."
"I won't let you complete me, Darkling." I spat.
"Someday it will happen. All the problems you think of? They're all in your head. The shadows and I control you."
"You can't control me. I control the shadows, they don't control me." I said, raising my arms. "I barely even know you!"
"I am the darkness of a stranger those warnings prepared you for, my dear." He walked closer to me, but I flicked my raised arms, and he disappeared, like a shadow that was never really there.
↢ ᰔ ↣
"Doesn't she deserve to know?" Tamar says.
"I'll tell her," Sturmhond says. "When the time is right. I promise."
↢ ᰔ ↣
My eyes open, and I find I'm in an unfamiliar room. I'm on a bed and I hear the rushing of wind, and the waves of the sea from outside. I stand up and as I'm about to walk to the door, it opens.
"Lyra," Sturmhond says, relief in his voice. But that must mean, I'm in his room. "Thank the Saints. We were so worried."
I just nod, but stay quiet.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine. Just a nightmare."
"What happened?" He asks.
"I'd rather not talk about it." I say, looking at the ground.
"Well you're welcome to rest, it's still nighttime." He smiles.
"Thanks, but, I need some air." I say, avoiding his eyes, and pushing past him to go outside.
I walk over to the railing, and look at all the stars in the night sky.
"What's that star there?" I ask, curiously from where I'm laying in the grass.
He shifts his head, so that his hazel eyes can see me. "Lyra," he simply says.
I smile at the memory. I wish he was here.
I hear footsteps coming toward me, and I don't need to look to know it's Sturmhond.
"You like stars?" He asks.
"My friend used to," I say to him.
"Used to?"
"I haven't seen him in over eight years."
"Oh," he says. "Why not?" He asks.
I shouldn't tell him, but I can't help myself. "We were childhood friends. Then I had to leave. I said I'd return to see him, and he promised to be there, waiting, but when I returned... he wasn't there." Tears pricked my eyes.
"Maybe he waited, but he had to leave, or go somewhere, maybe." Sturmhond suggested.
"It still doesn't change the fact that we made promises to each other. I kept mine, he broke his." At this point, the tears just fell. I quickly turned away so Sturmhond wouldn't see, and wiped them away. "A piece of me died that day, and it died with him."
He gently held my shoulders, and turned me around. "Hey. We don't have to talk about this if you don't want to."
"Thank you. You mean a lot to me." I smile.
"Be still my heart," he says. "The lady smiles." He laughs and returns my smile with a sad one. We continue to look at the stars in the near darkness.
"What about you?" I ask.
"Me what?"
I laugh. "Did you have someone?"
He smiles and looks at the stars. "Yes. Yes I did."
"Tell me about them."
"Well, she was, indeed, amazing. She was always there when I needed her, but I wasn't there when she needed me. And I will never forgive myself for that."
I stay attentive, and listen to his story, as he did mine.
"Now, I fear that if I tell her why, she'll never forgive me."
"Don't beat yourself up about it. I'm sure who ever it is will forgive you, in time."
He chuckles. "I could've sworn she was touched by the stars in some way. The stars gave her a crown and said this is your place of belonging."
"What's a Queen without her King?" I joke.
"Well historically, better," he laughs.
After a while, he asks me, "what's your favourite ever star?"
"You can't honestly expect me to know all the stars in the world," I say, humorously.
"Out of the ones you know then," he narrows it down for me.
I think for a while, before answering. "Lyra," I say. "In the cons—"
"—in the constellation Sirena," he finished my sentence for me.
I look at him, and think about him. Then I realise. The faint resemblance. The whole personality and the comfort I find talking to him. It all makes sense now.
I'd know you anywhere.
"Nikolai..." I breathe out, so softly I doubt he's even heard me, but he gives me another one of his sad smiles, and that confirms it.
I jump into his arms, and the tears come again. He hugs me back and I think about how long it has taken me to realise.
"It's you, oh the saints it's really you." I mumble into his clothes.
"I've missed you, Lyra," he says to me.
I can't stop the tears spilling out my eyes, now. "Why didn't you tell me?" I ask him, sadness hinting in my voice.
"I've wanted to. I swear to the Saints I've wanted to tell you since I first met you. But then our whole thing with the Darkling happened and I couldn't risk him finding out. There could've been someone listening in on us any minute. I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry."
I pull away from him, and wipe my eyes with my already damp sleeve. "Why did you have to tailor yourself?" I ask.
"If anyone knew the Prince of Ravka was sailing the seas, they wouldn't stop till they got me, and they would have bargained and shipped me off somewhere."
"Does anyone else know?"
"That I'm Nikolai? Tolya and Tamar and someone of my crew know, but that's it." Nikolai smiles at me, but my smile fades away. "What's wrong?" He asks.
"You broke your promise." I say, sadly.
His smile fades now too. He seems at a loss for words for once.
"There was a time I thought I'd know you forever. I went back, and you weren't there. My heart broke."
"Hey, Lyra, I'm still the same person you knew. Nothing's changed."
"Face it, Lantsov," I start, but at the mention of his last name, I know I've messed up. "We're just strangers with memories."
So this is what longing feels like.
Authors note
How'd y'all like this chapter?
This is the one chapter I had been longing to write before I even thought of this book. I'm happy I finally got to write it. Did you enjoy it?
P.S. this was probably my longest chapter in think.
P.P.S. Yes this chapter was my longest chapter with almost 2000 words :)