It was never supposed to happen. After leaving the school, Kyle decided that he would never allow another close bond to form. Too many disappointments had befallen him. Maybe he was being dramatic, but he told himself he preferred solitude over getting hurt again. But every effort he'd made to create a barrier had been met with failure in the face of Steve. The super soldier had chiseled away at his defenses, leaving him frighteningly open to connection with his earnest and sincere presence. What had once been something he ran from transformed into a type of addiction. The more he opened up to Steve, the more he wanted to. It became a necessity to share with him and he could see and feel the joy it brought both of them each time he shared something.
But there were things that Kyle never shared, regardless of how easy Steve was to open up to. He never shared the true nature of the school and he never shared his mutant abilities. Steve, like the vast majority of rest of the world, had no clue what mutants were.
Xavier and Lensherr had explained the necessity of secrecy many times over. Although Kyle had come to resent this because of how it kept mutants from actively using their gifts to protect mankind, he chose to continue the secret if only to protect those who remained at the school. Prior to the blip, the school was filled with young mutants who were scared and uncertain. Most of them came from situations not dissimilar to Kyle's. Others, like Jean, came from loving families that simply wanted their mutant children to get the help they needed to control their powers to the extent that they could enter society without the fear of hurting anyone. Regardless of their origins, they all needed the stability and security that the school could provide them with.
Kyle could still recall the one occasion where the school's secret was compromised. It was the day when Nick Fury of S.H.I.E.L.D. had paid the school a visit. Alongside Jean, Kyle had listened intently from the hall as Fury discussed something called the Avengers Initiative with Xavier and Lensherr.
"We're looking for people with unique abilities who can help us keep the world safe," Fury had explained.
Jean and Kyle had shared a look of excitement. Superheroes. The mere notion of this was enough to set both kid their hearts racing.
"If you'll pardon me for cutting you off," Xavier had said. "This is a school intended to help young mutants learn to control their gifts, not a training ground for superheroes."
"I realize that your students are all children. But the two of you aren't. Are you telling me you wouldn't be willing to use your powers to help mankind?"
"We are using our powers to help mankind," Lensherr pointed out. "In our own way, we're helping by teaching these children. They need stability. They need us."
"This is our place in the world, Nick," Xavier added. "And we aren't budging on it. I would greatly appreciate it if you were to keep this school under the radar."
"And if I do that? What then?"
"Then, Nick, you would be doing your part in protecting these children."
"So you're saying no, then."
"We're saying no for now," Lensherr stated. "Allow us to teach our students in peace and, perhaps, we may lend a hand one day."
Recognizing that this was as good as things were going to get, Fury had left the school with a promise- that he would keep the school out of S.H.I.E.L.D.'s database and their secret would remain hidden. He would protect them from exposure.
Kyle had been confused by Xavier and Lensherr's stance in the matter, a feeling that would follow him going forward. Especially after the blip claimed half of all life in the universe. They could have been Avengers. They could have done something.
"You're deep in thought," Steve pointed out, rousing Kyle from his memories. The two of them were laying on Steve's bed, their bodies still warm from recently having sex. Since they'd begun seeing one another, Kyle spent less and less time in his dorm. Steve's rooms had become a sort of home for Kyle. The months that followed their initial coupling had solidified this.
"Sorry. Just thinking about the finals," Kyle hastily said. It wasn't a total lie; he was worried about his final exams.
"I don't think you have much to worry about," Steve said before pulling Kyle against his chest and kissing him. "You're smart. Plus you had me helping you out with all of that World War II history."
Kyle rolled his eyes. "You love to bring that up."
Steve smirked and ruffled Kyle's hair. "Of course I do. I like to think you aced that test because of me."
The pace of their relationship had been quicker than Kyle would have normally thought he'd be comfortable with. But Steve was easy to spend time with. He was gentle, nonjudgmental, and he listened. It also didn't hurt that he was basically the hottest man Kyle had ever met.
And he's all mine.
Kyle relaxed into Steve's arms and gently traced a finger over his chest. As he did so, he contemplated that thought. Was Steve truly all his? He casually looked over at the far wall where Steve's bookshelf stood. Among the rows of highly-organized books there were the occasional framed photos. One of them was an old picture taken during World War II. And in it, standing next to Steve, was Bucky.
He's only mine because Bucky is dead.
That thought hit him and suddenly a cascade of negativity settled in like a fog over his brain. There had been times when Steve had brought Bucky up and was honest about his former relationship. Kyle appreciated the transparency but couldn't help but compare himself to the dead soldier. Through pictures and Steve stories, Bucky was so handsome and possessed a certain confidence and swagger that Kyle felt he could never compete with. The fact that he was dead made him feel that Steve wouldn't have ever even noticed him otherwise.
"Tell me what you're thinking about," Steve prompted.
Taking a deep breath, Kyle decided that maybe it was time to speak up. Crazily enough, he'd become mostly open in the recent months. "I know this is going to sound really insecure. And I know it's weird for me- the person who doesn't want to get close to anyone- to say this. But I can't help but compare myself to Bucky."
Steve took it in and was silent as he rolled the idea around in his head. It hadn't occurred to him that this could be a possibility and he suddenly felt a pang of guilt. "Have I been talking about him too much?
"No! Not at all!" Kyle exclaimed. Bucky had been such a large part of Steve's life for so long and losing him had been a massive blow. Even if he did harbor a slight bit of jealousy, he couldn't imagine restricting Steve's freedom to talk when the super soldier had been so eager to hear all of the contents of Kyle's head that he wished to share. "You and Bucky had a history. You were so close. I would never want you to feel like you couldn't talk about him."
Steve studied Kyle's face, seeking out any signs of distress. Kyle never thought he'd find himself thinking this, but he really liked the way Steve paid such close attention to him. It made him feel like there wasn't another soul on the planet.
"I don't ever want you to feel like you have to compete with the memory of Bucky," Steve finally said. "Yes, he meant a great deal to me. And I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt that he was dead. But sometimes I tell myself that there's a silver lining to his passing. I loved Bucky. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel responsible for him. Responsible for his happiness."
Kyle looked at him with confusion. "What do you mean?"
Steve sighed. "It's complicated. But I think you already know I have a hero complex."
"That's an understatement."
"I guess a big part of me felt like I had to rescue Bucky. From his life. The enslavement. The lost drifting. I loved him but the more distance I have from him the more I see how much needing to save him played into our relationship."
"It shouldn't be about that," Kyle said. "I hope you don't see me that way."
Steve smiled ruefully. "I did at first. And still do in a lot of ways. It's who I am."
"But you can have those feelings and still be with someone because you also care deeply. Not just because you feel obligated to them." He touched Steve's chest. "You can be someone's hero without the whole relationship being about that."
"I think maybe I'm learning that."
"What else have you learned?"
Steve gestured to a large photo of all of the Avengers together. "It's hurts having all of them gone. But if there's one thing I've had to learn through all of this it's that there are some things you just can't change. Even all the power in the world can't bring them all back. We have to accept that. And that hurts like hell. But if I let myself stay stuck in it, I'll never be able to move on and be happy." He paused and caressed Kyle's cheek. "But moving on doesn't mean we forget them or stop loving them. But it does mean making space in our hearts for someone new. Like I'm doing for you."
Kyle absorbed those words and felt his earlier insecurity fading. "I'm sorry for suddenly being so emotional."
Steve started to laugh and rolled over so that he was on top of Kyle. "Are you kidding me? I've been waiting for you to be this open with me."
Kyle reached up and pulled Steve's mouth to his. Deepening the kiss, he let his fingertips move down the man's broad back. He took two big handfuls of Steve's impeccable ass and gave it a squeeze. "Did the super soldier serum give you this ass?"
Steve chuckled into Kyle's neck and gave it a gentle nip. "Probably. But I don't think that was the primary goal." He licked slowly up Kyle's throat to his ear and rolled his hips against Kyle, his cock pressing into him, rock hard and insistent. "Just so you know- I was already hung before the serum."
Kyle found himself meditating on Steve's words for several days after he'd spoken them. Acceptance was a thing that eluded him in every way. During the time he'd spent with Steve and the group, he'd learned more about the stages of grieving than he thought he possibly could.
Shock was a given. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and testing- he'd experienced each of those. But acceptance was a thing he couldn't attain no matter how much he wanted to. He could never accept that they were gone.
"It doesn't mean you stop loving them," Steve gently reminded him one day during a walk. "You can still love them and accept that they aren't part of your life anymore."
Kyle smiled softly and looked down at his feet as he walked. "Object permanence," he whispered.
"What?"
"It's something small children learn in development. That just because a thing isn't there...it doesn't mean it's gone." Tears threatened and his throat felt like it was closing on itself. He felt like that child, fearful that the sun wouldn't rise again just because it was gone.
Steve stopped walking and took Kyle in his arms. "Let it out," he encouraged.
"They're gone," Kyle said in a sobbing voice. "They aren't coming back. But...but I still have them. I still remember every lesson Xavier and Lensherr taught me. I still have memories of my friends. My family."
Steve waited patiently and rubbed a consoling hand up and down Kyle's back.
"As long as I remember those things then they're never really gone," Kyle concluded. Cliche? Perhaps. But it comforted him in that moment.
Steve pressed his lips to his ear. "It's not a race, Kyle. You can grieve at your own pace. I just...I don't want you to be stuck."
Kyle nodded into Steve's chest. "It's time for me to accept it. And make space in my heart for you."
Steve smiled down into his face and gently wiped the tears away. "You're so strong, you know that?"
Kyle rolled his eyes.
"I'm serious," Steve said. "All the super powers in the world can't make you strong enough to accept life and what it gives you. But you do."
Kyle smile appreciatively and tucked away the guilt he felt knowing he did have super powers.
Rain came down in horrendous sheets as Kyle was making his way to group. He pulled his raincoat around as a huge gust of wind struck, dragging a torrent of rainwater at him sideways. Unwilling to allow himself to be soaked further, he reflexively raised a hand and a burst of telekinetic energy struck the water, knocking it backward. He took a quick look around him but no one was around to see what he'd done.
Everyone's too busy staying warm and dry in their dorms, he told himself.
He approached the doorway and entered. As he was wiping his rain boots on the carpet he spotted Steve approaching him from the opposite end of the hallway.
"A sight for sore eyes," Kyle said as Steve got closer and helped him out of his raincoat. "You must have gotten here before the rain started," he observed as he took in Steve's dry and pristine state.
"Yeah, I've been here for a little while," Steve answered in a small voice.
Sensing that something must be wrong, Kyle's first reaction was to play it off. He'd been guilty of looking through the glass a little too darkly. Besides, gloomy weather had this effect on people. "I wish I'd gotten here sooner," he said.
Steve held the raincoat and stared at it like it was the biggest puzzle on earth.
"Okay, something is wrong," Kyle said, accepting the reality. Steve maintained that confused stare and Kyle reached out and touched his cheek. "Whatever it is, we'll fix it," he promised him.
Steve slowly looked up into Kyle's eyes and something in that piercing blue stare told him he was wrong. "We can bring them all back," Steve quietly spoke.
Kyle's eyebrows rose in surprise. "Wait. What are you saying?"
Steve cleared his throat and spoke up. "We found a way," he said. "A way to bring everyone back. A way to reverse the blip."
"That's...that's wonderful!" Kyle exclaimed.
"Yeah," Steve agreed.
"Then why are you so sad?" Kyle asked. He hesitated to even pose the question.
Because he knew in his heart what was happening. He could see it written in Steve's expression.
"Kyle. When everyone comes back to life, there's going to be so much for everyone to adjust to."
"Right."
Steve squeezed his eyes shut as if he were avoiding watching a car crash. "Bucky...when he comes back he'll...Kyle, it'll be like no time passed for him. For him, we'll still be together."
"And you can't tell him that you moved on," Kyle whispered. "That you...made space in your heart for me."
"Kyle, I..."
"I always knew, in my heart, that if you had the chance, you'd choose him," Kyle calmly stated as he took a step back from Steve.
"I don't know what to say," Steve said as he dropped his hands to his sides in a helpless gesture.
"You don't have to say anything else, Steve. You've already said more than enough," Kyle said as he continued to back away.
"I'm so sorry," Steve had said. And he meant it in so many ways.
"Don't be," Kyle said as he forced himself to smile through his sudden tears. "I'm...I'm happy for you."
Steve crumpled at the sight of him crying. The juxtaposition of his words and his expression. He wanted to clear the space between them and hold him again. One last time. He raised his hands up and moved to him, intent on pulling him into an embrace.
"No!" Kyle winced as he put his hands up and stepped back. "Please don't, Steve. It'll only make this harder than it has to be."
Steve nodded respectfully and maintained the distance between them. "I...I can't stay for group," he mumbled. "The Avengers...what's left of us. We're going on the mission."
Kyle turned and faced the door, his mood matching the chaotic storm outside. "Good," he said. "I hope it's a success."
"Kyle..."
"I need to go," Kyle said briskly.
Steve reached out compelled you say something, anything. "Kyle..."
"Don't tell me you love me," Kyle muttered. "Don't tell me you'll never forget about me. Just...just don't, Steve."
Steve let out a melancholy sigh and watched as Kyle pushed the door open and went into the night. "But I do," he sighed.
This is what I get, Kyle told himself as he began to run through the storm, not caring as the rainwater slashed at him. I deserve this. This is what happens when you open yourself up. It always does. Everyone leaves.
Kyle held himself together as he walked into the dorm building and got in the elevator. A group of girls was laughing and teasing one another and their boisterous, blissful interactions was grating against his nerves. He couldn't handle happy. He didn't want to see happy. Finally, the elevator stopped at his floor. He hastily grabbed spare clothes and his shower stuff and made for the showers. Once he'd locked himself up inside one of the stalls and had turned the water on, he drowned his pitiful cries in the spray's noise.
The Avengers we're going to try and bring everyone back. And he hoped they succeeded. But whether they did or not, he'd stay solitary. It was the best way. His father left too early for him to know him. His mother abandoned him for something better. The family he found was taken. And now this. Regardless of whether Steve and the other Avengers pulled this off, he knew the path his life was going to take. His was a path he'd never deviate from again.
A path he'd walk alone.
Captain America and Kyle Hensley will return in Avengers: Vengeance.