by ReaderMagnifique
sequel to <Betrayed, Devastated, Heartbroken, Inconsolable, and Woeful>
James: please help
Lily: What's wrong?
Are you okay?
James: i need a tragic backstory and i need it now.
Lily: …
James: for the record i have never been more serious about a thing in my life.
Lily: I almost spat tea on my laptop.
Because I was worried for you.
I almost spat MY TEA onto NICK MILLER.
James: okay
for that i am sorry
truly
but this is a matter of urgency
Lily: I have put my tea to one side.
You have my attention.
Be brief, Potter.
James: lily its me
Lily: LOL
True true true.
Okay, I am genuinely listening now.
Hit me with your problem.
James: sirius is picking a christmas film and he must be stopped
right now
Lily: I want to say it won't be that bad, just let him pick
BUT
It is Sirius
James: lily
its worse than you can possibly imagine
he's going to pick elf
Lily: NO!
James: EXACTLY!
Lily: Unacceptable
I'm calling 999
James: HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE IT
HE DOES IT TO BETRAY ME
he does thi ! ! ! !
because even the title page makes me flinch
and because he is an arse
I AM WORD PERFECT ON THIS ATROCITY!
Lily: That's abuse
James: but he gets away with it because he has a tragic backstory
and i am not questioning the validity of it
i would never
but right now i need something bigger
a validier one, if you will
because i know he is going to pull this shit when we go home too
and mum will say yes
and make me sit through it AGAIN
and i don't think i can survive elf twice in one year
let alone one month
Lily: That would be traumatizing
James: it is
Lily: And obviously both Sirius and your mum are immune to your eyebrow raising debility and subsequent heartbreak.
James: cold and unfeeling monsters that they are
Lily: But you're in your flat right now.
James: yeah
Lily: Presumably in one of your rooms.
James: we're all in my room
Lily: Then it's your room – your rules.
James: i also lost a bet.
Lily: The plot thickens.
Also why are you betting with Sirius?
That is the worst idea you've ever had.
James: debatable
Lily: You rarely have bad ideas, so jot that down.
James: oh i will
i'm dedicating a page of my diary to this
the day that lily evans complimented me
the stars aligned this day
Lily: Lies and slander
I compliment you all the time
James: you do, and it is much appreciated
but i'm still searching for that tragic backstory
do you reckon sirius would sympathise with my unfulfilled need for compliments?
i just asked, he snorted and said "just read everything evans writes on your insta feed"
Lily: I feel called out.
James: lol
Lily: Sirius is just jealous because I don't lavish the same attentions on him.
It would be a more productive use of my time to go to a zoo and compliment a peacock.
What bet did you lose?
James: doesn't matter
Lily: Why not?
James: it's a mundane and not at all amusing story
not even a story
you definitely wouldn't be interested
Lily: You are definitely the worst liar I have ever met.
James: AN INSULT
IMPUGNING MY HONOUR
OH THE AGONY
just checked with sirius it didn't work
he agrees with you
Lily: What was the bet?
James: it's completely irrelevant
Lily: JAMES!
James: OKAY FINE!
do you know binns?
Lily: What did you do to your bin?
James: no, he's a lecturer here
professor binns
teaches remus for history
remus hates him because he's incompetent and hasn't the faintest idea how to teach a class
^that is a direct remus quote by the way
Lily: #BinBinns
James: lol remind me to tell remus that when he's less cross with us
Lily: Why is remus cross with you?
James: ANYWAY back to binns
he notices nothing
someone once watched most of die hard on the front row with no headphones and binns didn't notice!
Lily: W o w.
James: remus was tearing his hair out over the guy
so sirius thought
Lily: That's already bad enough.
James: that maybe
remus needed moral support
Lily: Tell me you didn't.
James: in my defense, i didn't know where we were going until we got to remus' class
he was not impressed
remus, not binns
remus may be cross but he's also RIGHT this guy is on another planet lily!
that or he's already dead and just didn't notice that he hadn't died all the way yet
Lily: Ahahahaha!
James: so we waltz in and sit on either side of remus
i'm a considerate person so i'm sat behind a desk but sirius is fully in the aisle
and binns doesn't see
so sirius is doing different things to get his attention
flirting loudly with someone behind him
stealing sellotape and throwing balls of it at the ceiling to see if they would stick
getting rid of his chair and sitting on the floor
remus is planning an efficient double murder and working out his alibi while taking notes on the fall of rome
so i tell sirius to knock it off because its not working and i'm not keen on dying this week
Lily: So far in this story I'm only invested in Remus' character.
James: so then sirius says "i bet you can't get his attention either"
Lily: Okay, I've connected the dots here.
James: well of course, at this point it's obvious what needs to be done.
but sirius stipulates i can't just jump up on the desk and scream my favourite lavender banana bread recipe at the top of my lungs
it has to be "within reason"
Lily: You're trying to tell me that you, James Potter, failed to be a distracting presence?
James: lily i did EVERYTHING
obviously the first thing i did was put my phone on record so remus didn't have to worry about getting distracted and missing important notes
so after that he was less murdery and more inclined to maim or seriously injure me
but seriously i couldn't get this man to even stutter over his lecture notes
i made a pyramid out of remus' stationary
i sat with sirius in the aisle and balanced as many small items as possible on his various limbs and head
i went around the room and took a poll on everyone's favourite highlighter colour
we made a toga for sirius with paper and sellotape
one girl was lovely enough to get in on it with me and i did an impromptu hair tutorial for the class
Lily: Oh my god!
James: LILY WE TURNED A DESK OVER AND PRETENDED TO GO SAILING IN IT!
Lily: AHAHAHAHAH!
James: THERE WAS A WHALE AND A MAGICAL SHARK IT WAS INSPIRATIONAL!
BUT I STILL DIDN'T WIN THE BET AND AS A FORFEIT SIRIUS WANTS TO TORTURE ME WITH ELF
HE DIDN'T EVEN SPECIFY A FORFEIT WHEN WE BEGAN BUT APPARENTLY THERE IS ONE
Lily: I can't
James
I'm going to burst a lung laughing
James: so my last hope is a tragic backstory that will make him be lenient and save me from this viewing of elf
Lily: Honestly I'm crying
I've actually got tears pouring down my face
James: i'm glad you're appreciating the depths of despair i find myself in this dark day
Lily I think it's too late for the tragic backstory
You're just going to have to find some means of escape
James: but the windows don't open wide enough
Lily: That's a good thing you're on the tenth floor
Also there is a door
James: i could have fashioned a bedsheet rope
Lily: Please don't try you have a door
James: i escaped
valiantly
expertly
and with no small amount of flair
Lily: How did you escape the torture chamber?
James i said i needed the toilet and left
Lily: Just to clarify once more, you were in your room right?
James: yes
Lily: In halls?
James: that is correct
Lily: Where you have your own Ensuite?
James: sirius also mentioned this
i didn't think it was entirely relevant
Lily: LOL
Come to mine, I'll hide you under the covers with me.
James:already en route
there'll be hell to pay later
we'll have to barricade ourselves in to avoid his wrath
Lily: Maybe for several days
James: going off the grid
Lily: Watching Disney on incognito mode
James: do you think we'll make it?
Lily: We'll grin and bear it together.
Keep calm and carry on, James Potter.
James: keep a stiff upper lip evans, we'll make it through
Lily: I'll write heartfelt letters to the girls.
Serenade them with "we'll meet again" through the walls.
James: we'll need rations
Lily: We'll go on a mission to obtain supplies while we're still ahead of him
James: rendezvous at the lift in now hundred hours
Lily: I've got your coat you left on Friday
James: oh amazing, thanks!
can being without a coat for a week count as a tragic backstory?
Lily: I feel like going to ground and hiding during such a dangerous point in our lives makes for a way better tragedy.
It can be both our tragic backstory.
James: hiding with you and a hoard of maltesers could never be tragic
Lily: Stop it you flirt I'm coming!