by ch-ch-ch-ch-cherry bomb
"Fuck! Expelliarmus!" She ran, ran, feeling like her lungs would burst.
"Lily duck!" She heard James shout behind her, and then she felt an arm around her, pushing her down. Lily hit the ground hard, James shielding her. "Are you alright?"
"Come on," Lily said, struggling to her feet and pulling James along behind her, sending stunners and tripping hexes over her left shoulder. "We have to go!"
"Have you… seen… Sirius?"
"No, no, I just barely got away from…" Lily stopped for half a moment. "Voldemort."
"I don't think now's the best time be star struck, Lils," James said, tugging her along.
"We can't leave without Sirius!" She said, but James was already turning on his heel, holding tight to her arm. They apparated to the outside of the flat where they had all been staying for a few months. Lily shoved off of James, heart in her throat. "What about Sirius?"
"What about me?" Lily whipped around. Sirius was leaning against the brick of the building, smoking a cigarette. He had a cut over his left eyebrow and a streak of blood down the side of his face.
"Oh my god," Lily cried, and there were tears of relief.
"How'd you know we'd be here?" James panted.
"Lucky guess." Sirius took another drag. "Shall we do this?"
"If we must," James said wryly. "What did my parents consider calling me when Mum was pregnant?"
"Elvendork. It's unisex."
Lily sighed, wiping her eyes. "What's the first film we saw together in the cinema?"
"West Side Story. I feel pretty, and witty, and gay!"
Lily smiled in relief. "How'd you get away?"
"About ten seconds after you lot. I actually dodged one of your stunners," Sirius said. "I saw you two apparate and knew I had to get out of there."
Lily nodded. James squeezed her hand. She took her wand out of her pocket, concentrating hard, to send a message to Dumbledore. Lily, James, and Sirius safe. Her silver doe took off at a gallop and disappeared. "Peter is with Remus tonight, yeah?"
James nodded. "Should one of us go…? I know we said we would go to Dumbledore straight away, but I feel awful leaving Remus during his...er. Time of the month."
It was as if time slowed and then stopped.
Lily stopped. Counting.
Her period was late. Significantly late. She'd not noticed because of the running and hiding and literally dueling Voldemort but she usually got it around the full moon. She tried desperately to remember what they had been doing the previous month at the full moon, but her mind was a blank. How late was she?
"Lily?"
"Sorry. What?"
"We should go to Dumbledore now."
Three days later, and still nothing. Lily was attempting to trigger menstruation in every way she could imagine; she wore white pants, she wore her best knickers, she initiated sex with James several times (using condoms, just in case), but still nothing.
Lily Evans realized for the first time in her life that perhaps it was a miscalculation that all of her friends were boys. Ever since she had stopped speaking to Tuney, the vast majority of her close relationships were with men.
She thought of Alice Longbottom, an Auror in the Order that she had come to admire. She was tough as nails, hardly ever smiled these days, and had once frowned at Benjy Fenwick when he mentioned blowing off some steam at a dance club. Lily didn't really think she could go to Alice for advice on handling a potential accidental pregnancy.
Lily thought of Mary MacDonald… Well, Mary Cattermole now. Recently married and eager to settle down, Mary had moved to the countryside after graduation. Lily hadn't seen much of her, but had heard through other school friends that Mary was struggling to get pregnant. So, no go there as well.
Marlene McKinnon was lovely, and Lily liked her a lot, but they barely knew each other. Marlene was a Ravenclaw in school, a few years ahead of Lily and the Marauders. She was always very kind to Lily; they had chatted a few times over the years. Marlene had been among the group of girls by the lake after their O.W.L.s; she had just finished some N.E.W.T. testing and had put a hand on Lily's shoulder after Severus called her a Mudblood. But Lily didn't know her terribly well. Certainly not well enough for this.
She ran through lists in her brain. Mum, dead. Petunia, estranged. Mary, Alice, and Marlene, not ideal.
"Evans! We're here, please don't be naked!"
Lily stood up from the sofa where she had been lounging. James was on patrol with a few others, investigating the disappearance of Sirius's brother, Regulus. Sirius was pretending not to care. Peter was getting awfully twitchy about it. Remus had been ill for a few days following the full moon, and Lily wasn't positive if anyone had told him yet. "Pete, really, I think we're there."
"I know we are," Sirius said, laughing, swooping down to kiss Lily's cheek.
"All that naked sunbathing."
"Remus, are you coming in?"
"Yes, sorry," Remus followed, looking a little green. "Apparition and I still do not get on."
"What are you lot doing here?" Lily asked as Sirius flopped beside her on the sofa, already having stolen her crossword puzzle from the Prophet on the table in the kitchen.
"Oh, we have news."
"News we swore we wouldn't tell you."
"Per Prongs's strict orders, mind."
"But we know you hate surprises."
"Like, hate surprises."
"Your last birthday comes to mind."
"My jaw still doesn't close properly after that."
"Boys, really, what's the surprise?" Lily asked, exasperated.
"James has been shopping," Sirius said, looking up from the crossword. "Have you any idea what your ring size might be?"
Lily's face felt incredibly warm. "Oh."
"Oh?" Remus and Peter repeated, looking at each other alarmed.
"No, no! Good oh! I was... I suppose I wasn't expecting it."
"You live together," Sirius said.
"Not technically. Technically you four are all flatmates."
Peter laughed. "Better get on him about the chore rotation then, he has definitely not been doing his share of the dishes."
"Technically, I have my own place," Sirius added as well.
"That other people live in!" Remus laughed. "You sublet it out a year ago!"
"Because I'm always at yours, why wouldn't I make a little money off it?"
"So this ring," Peter said, steering the conversation back. "Do you like gold or silver?"
"Because he might need to try again depending on the answer."
"He's bought it already?"
"Lily, come on, he's been picking out rings for you in his mind since he was twelve and you told him he looked like a raccoon in glasses for teasing you about your fringe."
"I maintain that I look good in a fringe."
"Yes, love, we all agree. Silver or gold?" Sirius said.
"I like silver, but not… silver silver," She said, nodding to Remus.
Sirius smiled. "Perfect. Peter, pay up."
"Damn it," Pete mumbled, tossing a gold coin Sirius's way. "I thought gold."
"What in Merlin's name is not silver, silver?" Remus asked.
"It's white gold. It's gorgeous. You'll cry."
A while later, Peter had cleared out to meet with Sturgis Podmore, and Remus was on his way to have lunch his parents. "They have suggested perhaps that I had died since I haven't been to see them in ages."
"Say hello to them for me," Lily said.
Sirius was hanging around, Lily knew. He usually did. Everyone had expected when Lily began to date James that Sirius would be jealous, since James and Sirius were practically conjoined twins. But Sirius loved Lily, and Lily loved him back; the three of them we basically a unit. Presently he was making them tea, without having to be asked.
"Sirius?" Lily was heading into the kitchen.
"Can I make you a sandwich or something? You look ill." He was already into her pantry, pulling out bread.
"Sure."
About halfway through their sandwiches and tea, James turned up. He looked drawn, tired.
"Kids. There were three dead kids found last night, and a few of the other parents were under the Cruciatus for so long that they don't recognize their own kids anymore. We had to call in Obliviators and send them off to St. Mungo's." James sunk into a chair beside Lily.
"You'd have to be mad to have a kid right now," Sirius said, shaking his head.
"Yeah," James said, nodding. "I would just be terrified to do anything."
"Molly Weasley's pregnant again," Lily said, distantly. She'd met Molly once; she thought she was quite nice, though maybe a little harassed caring for five little boys already. James had interned between their sixth and seventh years in the Misuse of Muggle Artifacts office with Arthur Weasley. "I heard she was due at the end of February."
"Mad," Sirius said, shaking his head.
"Utterly mad," Lily echoed.
The time had come to pee on a stick.
A plus sign.
Lily nearly had a heart attack when it showed up. She didn't tell anyone. There was no fucking way she was having a baby; two weeks before she had been dueling Voldemort. Two weeks ago fifteen Muggles died outside of Surrey where Petunia lived. There wasn't a chance.
She searched through all of Flourish and Blotts, desperate, trying to find something; a potion, a spell, something. She needed this thing out of her body before she was a liability. She could only imagine going on raids with a pregnancy belly charging into every room before the rest of her.
Lily knew there was no fucking chance she was having a baby. But she just couldn't figure out how. After a long time browsing, a young witch, probably a few years older than Lily, asked her if she needed anything. "Ah, uh. Yes. My… I have a dear friend who is looking to… not be pregnant anymore. Are there any books that might explain how to do that?"
The girl paled, looking utterly horrified. "Why ever would she want to do that?"
Fuck. "She… uh. Her husband is a very awful man. He hits her, constantly. She wants to leave him, but knows he won't let her go if she's pregnant."
The girl looked uncertain, still pale. "I'm sorry. I can't help you."
"Do you know anyone who can?"
The girl bit her lip, looking over her shoulder to see if anyone was listening in on their conversation. "There's a bookshop in Knockturn Alley."
"Which-?"
The girl was gone. Lily felt like she might throw up. Or cry.
She walked from Flourish and Blotts, defeatedly turning toward Knockturn Alley. She hadn't any idea where a bookshop there might be, or what awful things she could find in such a place, but she was determined to end this nightmare immediately.
As she was screwing up the courage to push open the door to the first shop on the dreary street with books on display, a voice behind her called, "Lily?"
She turned. It was Sirius, now jogging towards her. "What are you doing here?"
"I could ask you them same."
Sirius sighed. "Okay, you first."
"What's the first crossword answer you gave me?"
"Dragon's blood." Sirius shoved his hands into his jacket pockets; it was a rather cold day. "I thought I saw my mother walking a few minutes ago. I followed her, debating if it was worth it to ask about Reg…"
"I'm sorry Sirius."
"Turns out it wasn't even her, so. Anyway. You?"
Lily's throat tightened considerably. "I…" Her voice died. "Not here. Come with me?" Sirius nodded, and she offered her hand, and they apparated.
She brought them to the only place she was certain they wouldn't be overheard; a crowded and smoky Muggle coffee house, near all of the student housing near King's College. She ordered drinks for the swiftly, and upon returning covertly cast a Muffliato so that their cramo booth wouldn't be overheard.
"I'm pregnant."
Sirius nearly spat out his coffee. "What?"
"James doesn't know."
"Then why're you telling me?" Sirius yelped, his grey eyes going wide. "I don't want to know this before he does."
"Sirius I… I don't want it."
His face journeyed through joy, puzzlement, and then settled on a grim frown. "Not exactly the best time, I suppose."
"It would break his heart if I told him; he'd take it to mean I was swearing off children. I want children… Merlin, I'd love to have a baby. But not now. Not when I spend half of my evenings tracking Death Eaters and…" She realized she had teared up. "I was looking to see if there were any books in Knockturn Alley that might… I don't know if there is a magic way to do it."
Sirius shook his head. "You know how conservative most wizards are; they're all about keeping bloodlines pure and wizards from extinction. You'd probably have to go somewhere much worse than Knockturn Alley before you come across anything that could tell you. And even then, it's about an 80% likelihood that they'd just give you some awful poison instead. "
"What… what do I do?" Lily choked. "I cannot be pregnant in the middle of a war."
Sirius took a sip of his coffee. He lit a cigarette (using a lighter, thank god, Muggles and all). "Are there… Muggle ways?"
"Yes, but…" Lily looked at her lap. "I was just hoping… Yes."
"And… not to sound like an idiot, but I just… You're sure?"
"I am." Her voice was a lot steadier than she felt. Lily felt like she was going to dissolve at any moment, but her voice was granite, marble, stone, smooth and hard.
"Okay," Sirius said, taking a drag of his cigarette. His face didn't betray any emotion at all. "Do you want me to go with you?"
"You would?"
Sirius looked at her like she was a bit stupid. "Of course." Lily took a relieved sip of her coffee. "And you don't want to tell James?"
"I just… I think I'll tell him, but not until after. I know how important family is to him. And I want that… I want it with him. But… I mean, Merlin, I was studying for my N.E.W.T.s less than two years ago. I'm not in the right place or time for this. I'm not ready, and I don't… It's not that I think he would try to talk me into something I don't want. It's just that I want to be clear headed about it."
Sirius nodded. "I won't say anything."
"You won't think less of me?" Lily asked in a small voice.
Sirius smiled at her then. "Obviously not. You're Lily Evans. You're still about as pure hearted and good as they come. I'd never think less of you for taking care of yourself the way you need to."
Half an hour later, Sirius held her hand while she went to a pay phone to make an appointment. They needed to see her to confirm her pregnancy and how far along she was. It would take at least a week before it could done with.
Lily hung up feeling relieved.
A lump in her throat, air rushing past her ears.
He wasn't even supposed to come to the consultation, but he picked her up anyway. Lily wished she had known this kind of friendship when she was younger. When she was sixteen.
"You're alright?" Sirius asked, awkward, looking anywhere but her face, hands in the pockets of his leather jacket.
"Yeah. Just the consult."
"Yeah."
"I'm six weeks."
"Longer than you thought?" She shrugged. "That's a shit Christmas present."
"Tell me about it."
Sirius sighed. "I have some good news for you. He's going to propose tomorrow, by the way. James obviously, not Peter, despite the fact that he's mad for you. James's asked me to get people together for a party. The whole Order. Friends from school. Hagrid too, he's back from wherever he'd been off to."
"Alright."
"Are you going to say yes?"
"Obviously," Lily said, rolling her eyes. "Of course." She smiled now.
"Okay." Sirius lit a cigarette. "He tried to ask your sister to come."
"She said no?" Sirius nodded. Lily didn't even flinch anymore. "That figures." Lily reached up and plucked the cigarette from Sirius's fingers in the December cold. She took a long drag. She'd never been much of a smoker, but she figured now was an alright time.
"He… I dunno, mate, this whole thing is kind of scaring me."
Lily laughed, but nothing was really funny. "Which part?"
"All of it." He reached into his pocket and lit another cigarette, letting Lily keep the one she stole. "Have you seen Remus lately?"
"Not since the three of you stopped by last week."
"I think he's avoiding me," Sirius muttered, eyes downcast.
"I'm sure he's just busy."
"Yeah. I think James got ahold of him for tomorrow… Make sure you act surprised, yeah?"
"I wouldn't sell you out."
They were quiet for a while. "When's the appointment?"
Lily let out a slightly shaky, smoky breath. "Thursday."
"What time?"
"Ten in the morning. James is meant to be on patrols with Moody, and I'll have finished mine the night before."
"Right. I'm on Thursday midday, but I'll swap with Peter," Sirius said. "He owes me one."
"So long as he doesn't think we're having an affair again," Lily teased. Sirius smiled.
"You alright, Evans?"
"Yeah."
Sirius shook his head, laughing softly. "You gonna keep the name? When you two get hitched?"
"I dunno. Haven't thought about it much." Lily shrugged. "Lily Potter… sounds. Odd."
"I agree. What'll I call when I'm annoyed with you if you change your name on me?"
Lily kept watching the clock. Sirius had said today.
She was excited. She was nervous. She was… a lot of things.
He'd said it would be today, but James was simply spread out on the sofa beside her, reading from a book on defensive magic.
It was nearing five in the evening. Maybe James had changed his mind. Maybe he'd purposely told Sirius wrong so that if he blabbed to Lily he could still surprise her.
"Do you want to go for dinner?" James asked suddenly, setting his book down.
"What are you thinking?"
James shrugged, sitting up. "Not sure. What's the name of that place we went last month with Alice and Frank?"
The place was a chip shop in London; certainly not romantic. Lily told him the name.
"Great, let's go, I'm starving."
Lily sighed, but got to her feet regardless. She checked her reflection in the bedroom; plain face, nothing noteworthy. She paused and decided to wear a little mascara. Just in case. She put on her boots and grabbed her hat and gloves.
James was waiting for her in the kitchen, wearing sneakers and a jacket she had got him last Christmas when he had asked for something Muggle he could wear out.
They apparated. They ate a quick bite at the chip shop. James looked up at her across the table in the ugly yellow lights and asked if she had ever been ice skating. She had, when she was a kid there was a pond that froze over in Cokeworth.
"I've never been. I heard the one at the Natural History Museum is good. Want to go?"
Lily imagined that pregnant people shouldn't ice skate. But she didn't intend to be pregnant for much longer. Deciding that clearly this proposal wasn't happening tonight, she agreed. Something fun at least. Something to take her mind off of it.
James Potter was hilariously terribly at skating. "I cannot believe how difficult this is!" He laughed, having slipped and fallen for the third time. "How do you keep your ankles from breaking?"
"Just practice I guess," Lily said, laughing. She took James's hand once he struggled back onto his feet. He managed to keep upright once around the rink, skating slowly, Lily mostly dragging him around.
They were surrounded by children. Lily didn't want to look at them. She knew it was very silly, but she felt a little like she was betraying her love of kids by not wanting one just now. Lily shook her head. She focused on James, his face screwed up in concentration.
"Huh, this isn't so bad," James said, giving Lily's hand a little squeeze. "You alright, Evans?"
"Oh, yes, I'm alright."
They went around a few more times. Lily told James about popping in on Remus the day before; he had seemed jumpy to her.
"I think he had a bad run in with Greyback last week," James said. "Just from what I heard from the others who were at the skirmish outside of Hogsmeade."
"Wonder why he wouldn't tell us?" Lily said.
"You know how he gets. Thinks he can pull the wool over our eyes and we won't see when he's miserable." James sighed. "Maybe we ought to drag him out tomorrow night."
"I do love a piss drunk Remus," Lily joked. "Last time he wrote a sonnet about toast."
"I'd be jealous if it weren't so funny," James said, nudging Lily's shoulder. "All of my friends are in love with you."
"I think they might be more my friends than yours," Lily teased. "Since they are always talking about me."
"Touche," James said laughing. Then, he lost his balance again, landing on one knee, windmilling his arm not attached to Lily's hand to keep his balance.
"Are you okay?" Lily asked, concerned about the bruises she'd have to mend later.
"Of course," James said. He was still on one knee. He looked a bit pale in the streetlights over the skating rink. "Can you keep a secret, Lily?"
"What about?"
"I've definitely been ice skating before," James said smiling. "Granted, I'm crap. But not this crap." He was holding her hand. On his knee.
Oh. Lily's eyes teared without her permission. Bastard had managed to surprise her after all. "Oh. Oh!" Even knowing it was happening hadn't prepared her.
James reached into his pocket and produced a small black box. "I know I'm probably out of my tree asking… seeing as we're about twelve and everything is genuinely a disaster in the world but… You make it better. You are the good that people underestimate. Everything you do is amazing, and I couldn't ask for a better person to love. Will you marry me?"
"Yes! Yes of course!" Lily said, voice hoarse and shaking, and then she was on her knees kissing him arms around him and she was crying, and he was definitely crying, and when she pulled away she could hear the other skaters clapping. "You prat!" She said, she was laughing, hugging him again. "How do we even get up?"
James laughed, taking off his glasses, laughing, wiping his eyes a little. "I don't know!" He replaced his glasses. "So you want to put this ring on or what?"
She did. It was simple, which she appreciated; nothing gaudy. White gold band. One small diamond. They managed to struggle to their feet, holding onto each other tightly.
"Oi! She said yes!" And out of the crowd appeared the other Marauders, who had probably been hiding in plain sight the whole time.
"Congrats," Sirius said, hugging the pair of them. "You're both idiots, by the way."
"Complete idiots," Peter echoed, but he sounded a big congested.
Remus gave Lily a hug, smiling. "Hope we didn't spoil it too badly," He said so only she could hear. Lily laughed.
"Well, folks, there is a massive party happening back at headquarters," Sirius said, smiling. "Everyone is feeling pretty festive, so don't be alarmed if you see McGonagall with rosy cheeks."
The party was wonderful. There was music and all of Lily's favorite members of the Order were in attendance. If this weren't at headquarters, Lily imagined Professor Slughorn would have materialized. He loved Lily. Thought she was far too good for James; told her so all through her seventh year. But he would have approved of her marrying into a rich, pureblood family, and he would have toasted that.
Alice Longbottom was standing nearby a group of women in the Order that Lily knew a little, asking about the ring, asking if they had any dates in mind. "Alice!" Lily practically shouted. She had at least had a conversation with her. She extracted herself from Hestia Jones and Emmeline Vance to say hello. "How are you?"
"I'm very well, thank you," Alice answered. "Congratulations."
"Thanks very much. Can I get you a drink?"
"Oh... I'm alright thank you." Alice's round, cherubic face flushed a little.
"Abstaining tonight?" Lily asked.
Alice flushed deeper, looking around. "I shouldn't tell anyone, but I'm bursting since only Frank knows. I'm pregnant."
"Oh!" Lily said, shocked. She felt a squeeze somewhere in the region of her kidneys. She felt faint; she felt like the floor had dropped away and she was suspended oh so briefly in the air.
"Congratulations!" She said, her voice low. "How far along?"
"Not long at all," Alice said. "About six weeks. I'm due a the start of August."
Lily's stomach did a funny little flip. She could see the nurse at her appointment the day before saying something to the effect that "If you do choose to carry to term, the due date would be around the first of August. Obviously you don't need to know this, but I am required to tell you."
"Wow," Lily said hoarsely. "Congrats again! I just… I have to go and find James, excuse me." Lily wandered through the crowd, saying hello, getting her hand wrung by Benjy Fenwick, who Lily suspected was trying to get back on her good side after his split with Sirius at the end of their seventh year. It hadn't been pretty. Lily might have threatened his life.
Might.
After what felt like a harrowing journey across the room, Lily finally found James. She was so relieved that she practically collapsed.
"Hey," James said, putting an arm around her. He was talking to Fabian Prewett and Sirius. "You alright?"
"Yes, of course," Lily said, smiling maybe a little too hard. She had broken out in a cold sweat. "What are you boys talking about?" She asked.
"Fabian was telling up about babysitting his sister Molly's sprogs for an evening," James said smiling. "Sounds worse than torture.
"It wasn't so bad when it was just the three of them," Fabian said, shaking his head. "But the twins are murder. Dunno how a pair of kids not even two yet can be such trouble makers. One of them, can't say which because they are identical, keeps stealing Percy's toys. They just zoom across the room. And the other one upturns literally every dish you put in front of him. Nightmare."
"Yeah, sounds awful," Sirius said, his voice had an edge. He looked at Lily apologetically.
James was drunk. Very drunk. "We're engaged!"
"We are!" Lily said, laughing, trying to stop the joy she felt from seeping away.
"You said you'd marry me!"
"I did."
"That doesn't make any sense. Time travelers to the future will be so confused." James laughed. "If your fifteen year old self could see you, she'd… Probably react badly."
"She would."
James spun Lily around suddenly, twirling her as if they were dancing. "You know I love you, right?"
"I know."
"More than anything."
"More than Sirius?" Lily teased.
"Don't tell him. He'll be upset." James said, laughing.
"I love you too," Lily said, kissing his cheek. "More than Sirius."
"Aww now I feel bad. We ought to let him know how much we love him."
"We could let him kip at the foot of our bed?"
"Right, because he's a dog," James said, laughing. He was digging out a mirror from his pocket. "I'm calling him."
"No, James, we just left. Don't call him."
"SIRIUS BLACK!" Lily sighed. James was looking into his two way mirror expectantly.
"Oi, Prongs, aren't you meant to be mid shag about now?" Sirius said by way of greeting.
"Lily wanted to tell you how much we love you."
Lily giggled. "Yes, we're both madly in friendship with you."
"Fantastic!" Sirius laughed. "Oi! Moony, the newly… whatevers are in friend with me!"
"I have no idea what that means," Remus laughed from the background.
"It means, I'm drunk!" Sirius said cheerfully. "I have to go away now, okay, good bye
friends." The screen went dark. James scoffed, looking irritated the screen.
"I didn't even get to talk."
"We can talk tomorrow."
"I'm tired but I don't want to sleep."
"Same."
James looked at her suddenly. "You're not drunk."
"I'm not."
"You usually drink me under the table," James said, sounding perplexed.
"Yes, but I am also typically ill the next morning," Lily said evenly. "Just didn't want to spend my first morning as your betrothed leaning over a toilet."
"And you're so smart. Somehow I've tricked you into this, I'm afraid."
"It's probably your cute bum," Lily teased.
"It is rather nice. I've had it confirmed by people who don't just want to get in my knickers."
Eventually, as the sun rose, James dropped off. Lily remained wide awake, exhausted, but unable to sleep. She felt wracked with guilt, which was stupid. When she told James, she knew he would understand. Part of the reason they even started dating in the first place was when he shouted down their sexist Defense Against the Dark Arts professor their seventh year after he kept calling Lily "girly" and "sweetheart" when he critiqued her work. James had carried on about how Lily was the only person, let alone girl, who had managed a corporeal patronus in the class.
She knew James would agree it was the right call. But she knew it would be a hard call for him. She was just sparing him the pain.
Wasn't she?
"James?"
"Hn?"
Lily's words failed her. So much for her Gryffindor nerve. "Your glasses are still on."
"Thanks," He muttered sleepily, placing them clumsily on the bedside table, then turning to wrap his arms around her. "Love you."
"Love you."
"Am I allowed to tell you that you look like shit?" Sirius asked her when they met for coffee the following Tuesday.
"Absolutely not."
"Am I allowed to ask why you look however it is you look?"
Lily sighed heavily. "I can't sleep. I've probably woken James up about fifteen times to
just tell him and have it all over with, but… I can't do it."
Sirius frowned. "That's awful. I'm really sorry."
"That's it?" Lily said, skeptical. "No lecture on telling James? No threats to tell him
yourself? I'm looking for morality and shaming here."
Sirius smiled. "Do I look like Remus to you?"
"No."
"Then I will not lecture. I'm not here to judge, just to listen."
"That sounds suspiciously zen coming from you," Lily said, sipping her coffee. "No offense, but you can be a bit of a drama queen about these things."
Sirius shrugged. "I dunno, mate. We did the whole coming out song and dance together. I figure you set a good example with that. Just following your lead." He sipped his coffee. "And while I might be a queen, I'm no drama queen."
Lily rolled eyes. "I'm glad to see you have opted to deviate from the bit where I made a complete tit of myself a few times."
"The student becomes the master and all that jazz." Sirius took out a pack of cigarettes and lit one. "Speaking of making a tit of yourself, I am surprised you haven't heard what happened after the party."
Lily blanched. "What happened?"
"Nobody's dead," Sirius said, waving a hand to bat away smoke. "Should have led with that, sorry. I just." He sighed. "I was off my face and confessed nearly a decade's worth of repressed romantic feelings for Remus, then regretted it, pretended I was joking, maybe cried a little, and passed out in Peter's bed."
"Ouch," Lily said flinching. "I'm so sorry."
Sirius nodded. "Yeah, it was pretty brutal. I guess Pete woke up about halfway through and to hear him tell it… it wasn't pretty."
"God I'm sorry." She sipped her coffee again. "Have you talked to Remus since?"
Sirius grimaced. "Nope. He might not be speaking to me."
"Damn, I'm sorry."
Sirius rubbed a hand over his face. "Not a proud moment for me. I'm going to put that in the bottom ten moments of my life."
"You don't remember how he took it?"
"I was off my face and rambling," Sirius said, shaking his head. "I mostly just remember him standing there, all quiet like he does when you massively disappoint him."
Lily shook her head. "We're operating under the assumption that he doesn't reciprocate, I assume?"
"Clearly. I've always known he was straight, but… I dunno. I'm an idiot."
Lily frowned. "At least you're not a pregnant idiot."
"Cheers to that," Sirius said, clinking his coffee cup to hers.
Lily sighed. She looked around the cafe; there was a young woman walking in, a toddler in a pram. She felt like she was being stalked by babies lately. The woman had dark hair, and the baby's hair was black and stood up in all directions. Lily smiled, imagining James's untidy hair on the head of a small child.
The smile wilted almost immediately. It felt wrong to daydream about future children when there was a parasite of potential growing inside of her.
"What if I don't go through with it?" Lily asked in a shaky voice. "What if I cancelled my appointment?"
Sirius looked at her sharply. "Is that something you're thinking about?"
"Yes… No. I don't know."
"If you don't go through with it, then you'd… There would be a baby in a few months."
Lily felt her chest contract, her ribs collapse. A baby. Babies were helpless and adorable and stupid and terrifying and wonderful. "I don't… I don't want a baby."
"Then I think you're making the right choice."
"Right."
I don't want a baby. She thought to herself firmly. I'm not interested in motherhood right now.
The baby across the room giggled, and Lily felt her resolve buckle a little. She took a shuddering breath. "I don't want a baby," She repeated faintly.
"Okay."
Wednesday. One day to go.
"Have you called your sister?"
"Not planning to call her," Lily said dully. She was on duty with Alice Longbottom. Alice was glowing. And Lily meant that almost literally.
When Lily had seen her own reflection in a window earlier, she had looked gray and dull. The opposite of glowing. Clearly that only happened if you were please about getting fat and crapping out a squirmy ball of cells and consciousness.
Lily wasn't bitter though.
"Oh. I'm sorry," Alice said. "Sirius just said something about the pair of you being close."
"Not since I went to Hogwarts," Lily said, perhaps more cutting than was strictly necessary. "I think Sirius is maybe projecting some of his feelings about Regulus on me." Immediately after the words were out of her mouth, Lily regretted them. Alice looked a bit taken aback. "Sorry… I. I dunno what's the matter with me."
"It's alright."
"Just… stressed." Lily raked a hand through her dirty hair. "Please… don't tell him I said that."
"Of course not," Alice said frankly. "Are you alright? You look ill."
"I'm fine," Lily said. She was lying. She was lying all the damn time suddenly. "No I'm not."
"Want to talk about it?"
Lily shook her head.
"Is it the engagement?" Alice asked. "I had cold feet the day before my wedding. I was certain I'd lost my head when I agreed to get married. Convinced myself it was just the war…" She shrugged. "I got halfway to Paris before I realized I was being an idiot. Just because it's something I said I'd never do doesn't mean it isn't the right thing to do."
Lily literally groaned. "Look, I'm not looking for a life coaching moment, no offense. I'm just… dealing with an inconvenient thing and once it is dealt with I will be fine. Okay?"
"Alright." Alice was quiet for a while. "I guess I just wanted to tell you it was okay to change your mind. About whatever it is. But it's also okay to make a decision you didn't plan for."
"Thanks," Lily muttered.
But something about that gripped her. Alice Longbottom was having a baby. She was confident and happy about it.
It hurt. Lily wished she could be like that.
"Lily?" Remus looked at her in surprise. "It's four in the morning. Is everything alright?"
"Yes, sorry, I'm a mudblood you're a werewolf we bonded over it drunk sixth year, I need to speak to Sirius." Lily did, she needed to speak to him immediately. Lily didn't know why, but he knew all of her secrets and she needed a sounding board for this cancerous thought that had overtaken her as she patrolled with Alice. She pushed past Remus and into the flat, looking around a bit frantically.
Remus frowned. "Oh. He's not here."
"What do you mean he's not here?" Lily asked, confused. "He is always here. He practically lives here."
"I haven't seen him since Saturday after the party," Remus said. His cheeks were a bit pink in the dim light. "Actually, have you spoken to him? I'm afraid he's avoiding me."
"He said he thought you were avoiding him," Lily said, confused.
"I don't remember exactly what happened; Pete had to fill in some details." Remus was blushing profusely now. "I don't… What am I meant to say back to him?"
Lily sighed. "Perhaps something a bit… nice but firm? A polite thanks but no thanks?"
Remus laughed, but nothing was funny. "I… Is it stupid that I spent all day Sunday considering it?"
"Considering what?"
Remus gestured vaguely, and then Lily's tired brain clicked the pieces into place. "But." She tried to find a way to handle this diplomatically. "Remus, to my knowledge, you like primarily women."
"Yes."
"And Sirius is not a woman."
"Yes but… would it be so terrible to try?"
Lily breathed through her nose. She counted to three. She loved Remus. She loved him, he was a wonderful friend. But in times like these his self-pitying tendencies had destructive capabilities. "Sirius deserves someone who genuinely loves him back, not someone who is just worried they won't ever find someone."
Remus took a step back, looking hurt. "That's not… I'm not…"
"You're not gay, Remus, and frankly you're just being selfish."
"I just wanted to think about it."
"You're honestly considering exploiting one of your best friend's misguided feelings for you just so you don't feel so lonely. That's what you're thinking about."
"Lily," he said faintly.
What was wrong with her?
"Fuck, Merlin, I'm… I'm sorry, that didn't come out how I meant it." And now she was crying. Jesus fuck. "I just… I'm sorry, I just really really need to talk to Sirius about something. I shouldn't have shouted at you. I'll go. I'm sorry."
She went home. Lily felt like garbage. James was home, asleep. He mumbled when he turned over, "Love you." It crushed Lily. Her mother had once told her, when Lily confessed to occasionally curling up in the Head Boy's bed in her last year at school, that a man who loves in his sleep is a man who had made a special place in his heart for her.
Lily sat, stone faced, until eight, then pretended to be asleep on the sofa when she heard James wake up. He kissed her hair, soft, whispered "Love you," covered her in the afghan on the back of the sofa, and was gone within twenty minutes.
Lily sat up around eight thirty. She had a long cry, then dragged herself into the shower. As she dried her hair with magic, her buzzer rang out. She pulled open the door. Sirius was standing there, looking a bit haggard, holding out a stack of shitty magazines. "I'd have brought food or flowers, but I know you can't eat and... Flowers are more James's area."
"Thank you." Lily took the stack of magazines. Witch Weekly and Cosmopolitan and Vogue. She hugged Sirius. "Thank you."
"Of course."
"Where'd you stay last night? I stopped by the boys' but you weren't there."
"Ah, my subletters moved out," Sirius said, shrugging. "I figured I can be a grown up and stay at my own place once in awhile." Lily took in the shadows under his eyes and surmised that he hadn't slept at all. Sirius wasn't going to say anything about it, but she knew. He hated sleeping in an empty flat.
"I shouted at Remus at four this morning."
"Oh?"
Lily shook her head. "He'll tell you if he wants, but… I shouted at him."
"I'm sure he deserved it."
She shrugged. Lily's stomach felt like it was somersaulting. Her heart was pounding out of her chest. "Sh-shall we?"
Sirius nodded. "You okay?"
"Yeah." Lily swallowed hard. Twice. Her mouth and throat felt dry. "I'm good. We should go." Her fingers felt cold; when she looked down at them, her hands were blotchy and pale and a little bluish. Sirius slipped his hand in hers.
"I'm here. I can even be your boyfriend if you need me in there."
"Don't tell my fiance," Lily mumbled, leaning her head into Sirius's leather jacket covered shoulder.
"Let's get your coat," Sirius said, squeezing her hand before letting go. He fetched her jacket and hat. Lily buttoned her pea coat, slipped her hat on, and took Sirius's hand again. "Ready?"
"Yes." They stepped out of her flat, walked down the two flights of steps, and once outside on the pavement, Apparated to the clinic where Lily's abortion was scheduled.
She hadn't been able to say the word, even to herself.
Lily had scheduled an abortion. She was getting an abortion. She was terminating this pregnancy. She wasn't ashamed. She couldn't be.
She wasn't ashamed.
But that didn't mean she was certain.
They went inside and were directed to sit. Sirius was allowed to stay in the waiting area… but not in the room.
She filled out her paperwork with a steady hand. Her new engagement ring glittered in the fluorescent lights.
Once her paperwork was finished, she flipped through the magazines Sirius had brought for her. He talked idly about his motorcycle, about the weather, careful not to talk about magic.
"Sirius?"
"Hm?"
"Thank you for coming with me."
"Don't worry about it."
"Honestly, Sirius. Thank you."
"You're welcome."
"You know… I think you're my best friend."
Sirius's cheeks lit up. "Thanks," he muttered bashfully, wrapping an arm around her shoulder. "You and James are mine, you know, right?"
"Yeah." Lily smiled, and then it was like something unraveled inside her. "We're family."
Sirius smiled bashfully again. "Evans, Jesus," He rasped, and she squeezed the hand around her shoulder.
"Sorry. Didn't mean to get wobbly on you."
Sirius snorted, and Lily wondered if there were tears in his eyes or if it was merely a trick of the light. Sirius Black didn't do emotions. Lily knew that all too well.
The thing that had been haunting her since the night before was on the tip of her tongue, the moment of what-if, the catch in her breath when the plus sign had appeared on the test, the dreams of little girls with messy black tangles giggling, of small baby shoes which made her heart ache. "Sirius, wha-"
"Lily Evans?"
"Right," Lily said, taking a deep breath.
"Lily?" Sirius asked, looking at her critically.
"See you on the other side then."
She walked confidently to the door held open for her. She greeted the doctor politely. She took a seat on the chair provided. She asked about her options more. She asked about the procedure.
She explained how she had very recently become engaged to someone she loved dearly. Someone who was financially stable. Someone who loved her back. She explained that she just… Lily wasn't sure.
"I…" Lily bit her lip. "I think I've changed my mind. Or… Or maybe I'm just not sure."
The doctor nodded. "Of course. That's perfectly fine."
"You think I'm being foolish. I know… I'm only nineteen. I know. But I… I'm just not sure right now." Lily fiddled with a piece of hair that hung over her shoulder. "I was so certain when I first found out I was pregnant. But… So much has changed. Now I just don't know. I don't know if I can trust that feeling."
"I don't think anything of the sort. Go speak with your fiance. You have time if you do decide termination is the best option for you right now." She turned to her desk, searching until she procured a card. "This is my card. Call if you have any questions at all."
"Thank you."
"Best of luck, Miss Evans."
"Thanks."
Lily walked quickly out of the examine room. Sirius looked up from the magazine he was reading surprised.
"Is everything alright?" Sirius asked, looking at his watch. "You were only in there for about five minutes."
"I…" Lily shrugged. "Can you take me home please?"
Sirius stood up. They walked to the door. "Is everything okay?"
"Fine, yeah," Lily said nodding. "I… I didn't do it, obviously."
Sirius bit his lip. "Oh."
"I just. I have to tell James. I have to. I'm not sure and maybe… I don't know. I'm probably being stupid, but I have to talk to him. You know?"
"Yeah." He stuffed his hands into his pockets.
"Sirius? You're not angry with me, are you?" Lily asked, the lump returning to her throat.
He shook his head. "Of course not, don't be thick. I'm just…" He laughed nervously. "I'm a bit…" He stopped, lit a cigarette, shaking his head like a dog with water in his ears. "Like a couple of weeks ago we almost died, you know? I'm not angry. I want you to do whatever you want. I'm just. Damn. That's… yeah."
"Yeah."
"And you're sure you want me to take you home?" Sirius asked. "Just… since before."
Lily nodded. "Yes. I'm sure."
"Okay." Sirius took a long drag. "Are we doing congratulations or…?"
Lily shook her head. "There's a war on. No matter what, we're not doing congratulations."
Sirius nodded. He put an arm around her shoulders. "Alright?"
"Yeah."
They apparated as soon as they were out of sight of the clinic.
James got home around the time the sun set, looking a little weary. "Is Sirius coming over later?" He asked, flopping down on the sofa beside Lily. "He said he might."
"He's actually asleep in my bed right now," Lily said. "His subletters moved out so…"
"Didn't sleep?"
"You know how he gets." Lily stood. "Tea?"
"Yeah."
He followed her into the kitchen as she put the kettle one. Lily leaned back against him, stepping away from the stove top. "How was your day?"
"Crap. Moody lectured me for about forty five minutes for putting my wand in my pocket while I did up my shoelace." James dropped a kiss on the top of her head. "What did you do? How long as Sleeping Beauty been out?"
"He and I were watching the news for a while, but then he was drool on my shoulder so I sent him to bed," Lily answered.
"Heard you gave Remus a bit of a talking to," James said absently, resting his chin on her head.
"He told you?"
"Pete did."
Lily stepped out of James's arms frowning. "For a group of men, you lads are awfully chatty."
James smiled. "I would have found out eventually."
"I know," Lily said, shaking her head. "I just mean, I'm not allowed to chew out one of my own mates for being crap without someone tattling on me. I'd have told you."
"Maybe we'll start calling Peter 'Tattle-tail' instead of Wormtail."
Lily snorted. "We need more friends."
The kettle whistled. James fetched mugs from the high cabinet she could never reach. While their tea bags steeped James frowned. "I feel like I haven't seen you in ages. I don't like it. Let's get married."
"We're already doing that."
"Fine." James started toward the refrigerator, probably looking for milk. "We ought to plan that out. At least think about dates and such. My parents' owl almost pecked out my eyes last night when I had no details."
"Hm."
"Have you thought at all about bridesmaids?" He asked her. "Because I've already called dibs on Sirius so you'll have to find someone else to be maid of honor."
"I almost had an abortion today."
Fuuuuuck.
She had meant to say, "We absolutely should talk about planning our wedding, James. I should write your mother. I am a rational human being. Is it weird if Sirius helps pick out my dress? Can I talk to you about something? It's important."
James was looking at her fairly blankly.
"I might still have one."
James blinked behind his glasses. "Okay."
"But I'm not sure if I want one."
He looked awfully pale. "A baby or an abortion?"
Lily shrugged. "I don't… I don't know what to do." Her hands fidgeted at her side. "I'm not even twenty. You're not even twenty. Last week we almost died." Lily ran a hand through her hair. "I found out and I made an appointment but I… When I got there I hadn't talked to you. And I…"
James nodded. "Okay. Okay." He strode over to her, putting a shaky hand into her shaky hand. "Well. Er. Uh. Fuck." He put a hand through his hair now. Put his glasses atop his head. Rubbed the bridge of his nose. "I'm glad you told me."
"I didn't mean to say it the way I did."
James looked like a teenager at that moment. Like a real one. Like a fifteen year old. "Damn. Okay." He took a deep breath. Straightened up. "Okay. Well. We should do whatever you want to do."
Lily shook her head. "I don't… I don't know what I want."
James nodded. They were quiet for a while, and then James pulled her into hug her tightly. After a beat, "Sirius took you, did he?"
She nodded.
He sighed. "What a sad couple we are, sharing the same best friend," James said, shaking his head but smiling. "I'd be jealous because he was mine first, but he'd call me a prat and only talk to you."
"That's true."
"Stop talking about me," Sirius said, yawning and walking out of the bedroom. His long hair was a mess. Lily and James broke apart.
"Only about how much we love you," James said, smiling and giving Sirius's shoulder a gentle shove.
"I told him," Lily said pointedly, and Sirius looked relieved.
"Thank god, I'm crap with secrets," Sirius said.
"No you're not," James laughed.
"That's completely true," Lily pointed out. "You could secretly be straight, married, and have a kid and we'd never be the wiser."
Sirius shrugged his shoulders. "I think I'll leave the pair of you to it then."
James rolled his eyes. "Mum wants to know why you haven't written her back."
"Because I aim to be the family disappointment no matter where I go," Sirius retorted. "I'll write her tonight, okay? I'll see you later." He hugged Lily quickly, then James, and then he was out the door of her flat.
James raked a hand through his messy hair. "Next time, tell Remus. He is far less awkward about this stuff."
Lily crossed her arms over her chest. "I'm not happy with him presently."
"Oh, I know." James shrugged. "I don't know what to even do about it. On the one hand, Remus is being a tit because he's convinced himself that he's going to die all alone. On the other hand… Sirius."
"I know."
"It's just… sad."
"I know," Lily said. "He's so miserable when we're all together lately."
"We're avoiding the topic," James said, reaching out to fiddling with a strand of Lily's hair.
"Absolutely."
"Hungry?"
Lily nodded, relieved.
In the middle of the night.
"Lily?"
"Hm?"
"I...I dunno what way you're thinking," James said. "But. I love you. And I wouldn't… I wouldn't mind if there was another you to love." He sighed. "But I will support whatever you decide, okay?"
"Okay."
A few hours later.
"I'm only about six weeks along. Most people don't even tell people until twelve."
"Okay."
"It looks healthy, though. The doctors said."
"Doctors?"
Lily sighed. "Did you know that St. Mungo's doesn't offer abortion services? Damn conservatives."
"That's idiotic!" James said, sounding indignant.
"We need to preserve the race, Mr. Pureblood."
"Oi, I didn't decide that. With all of this Voldemort nonsense, I'm fairly certain we ought to just die out. Spare the rest of the world."
"Oh."
"Oh… It was a joke."
"I know."
"Okay."
"..."
"..."
"Could we actually be parents?" Lily asked. "We're idiots. We ate take away for dinner for like the sixth time this week! We're practically children!"
"We're fairly mature children at least?" James said.
"You wrestled Remus to the ground because he wouldn't share a chocolate bar last month."
James sighed. "You're right, that was awfully childish. Not quite on bar from sobbing because you didn't want a surprise party, but I see your point."
Lily laughed. "I hate surprises."
"If we got it done now, we could be cool in our forties when everyone else is lame," James said, turning to her, grinning stupidly.
Lily laughed. "That's true, I guess."
"We could be cool stoner parents by the time they graduate from Hogwarts. All of their friends will want to come to our house. We'll tell the other parents that the bong is a flower pot." James paused. "Do you know where we can get a bong?"
"Assuming we don't get murdered, I suppose we could buy one.."
James's grin vanished. "Yeah."
"The thing is," Lily said, sitting up. "The thing is that… I couldn't do it today. I couldn't."
"Maybe you just need more time?"
"There isn't any time! If I wait any longer, I will be popping out a human child."
"At least it will be human."
"Fuck off."
James sat up. He took her hand. "Lily."
"I don't know what to do," She said. She was crying now. Fucking Christ.
"It's okay," James said, arms around her. "It's okay not to know."
"It feels like shit."
"I know."
"Everyone's dying."
"I know."
"Babies are helpless and defenseless. Babies are like a kick me sign."
"I know."
"Then why can't I…" Lily choked back a sob. "Why can't I stop thinking about having this baby? Why can't I be sensible and say we'll think about it later?"
James kissed the top of her head. "I don't think there is such a thing as being sensible in times like these. Nothing makes sense." He was rubbing her back. "There is no good time to have a child, I don't think. I mean. Now it's good. It's not. But I'm not sure any time is good." He tilted her head up so she was looking at him. "But if you are certain that the time is not now, I completely support you. I will go with you if you want."
"And if…" Lily was crying again. "And if I decide to keep it?"
James gave her a watery smile. "I mean… I would be pretty honored to have a kid with you, Evans." He looked down for just a moment. "You're an incredible person. People like me can only hope to be so lucky as to mingle DNA with you."
"How do you even know about DNA?" Lily teased.
"I'm not so blind, you know. I was really involved when I interned with Arthur Weasley. Mad for Muggles he is, wants to learn everything he can. I read a book one day about scientific advancement."
"And you understood it?" Lily said skeptically.
"Most of it!" James said, laughing. "Don't look at me like that, when was the last time you
attended Muggle school, eh?"
"Fair."
They went back and forth for two days.
"If I have a baby, we could buy such adorable Christmas presents next year!"
"If you have an abortion, we could get hammered at Hagrid's Christmas party this year."
"I sat on his lap and called him Father Christmas last year," Lily said pointedly.
"Aww, but he liked that!'
"If you have a baby, we'll need a bigger place."
"I did love shopping around for my flat."
"We could get a massive house." James raised his eyebrows. "We could get a house so big that everyone could move in!"
"I'm not sure it would be a great environment for a baby to run a frat house for Gryffindors."
"Frat house?"
"Muggle thing, where a bunch of hormonal university students live in a house together and generally are just pissed all the time. I think it's mostly American?"
"If I have an abortion, will you stop fretting every time I go outside?" Lily snapped two days later when James offered to accompany her to the market.
"No."
"I can take care of myself."
"Obviously I know that. I just worry."
"This fetus is giving me heartburn."
"Knock it off fetus," James said, shaking his head.
"Oi, are you two ever going to decide whether or not you're keeping the fetus?" Sirius asked, shaking his head. "I'm starting to worry I'm getting a basket from a river in a few months time because you couldn't make up your minds."
"I haven't made up my mind yet," Lily said, shrugging. "James, if I have an abortion, we'll need to teach you how to actually use a condom."
"I don't understand why they are so complicated!"
"Well they seem likely to work better than this lousy contraceptive charm did!"
"If you two have a baby, you're going to be insufferable." Sirius laughed. "You're just going to argue about different things."
"If I have an abortion, we take a long vacation," Lily said.
"Maybe if Voldemort gets bored and commits suicide," James muttered.
"Fair point."
James sighed, getting into bed. He looked exhausted. His patrol had nearly captured a Death Eater this afternoon, but he'd stunned Peter and escaped. James was fairly certain the Death Eater in question had been Snape, which had made Lily cry for a while. James leaned over and kissed her, weary. Lily looked up at him, feeling a bit uneasy. "If I have a baby… would you love it?"
James looked at her like she was insane. "Of course."
"I…"
James took her hand. "It's okay."
"I think we might be having a baby."
James nodded, looking a touch pale. "Okay."
"Should we stop calling it Fetus?" Lily asked.
"Probably should stop calling it 'it' too. Might develop a complex."
"I don't think it has ears yet."
"Right."
"James?"
"Hm?"
"Are you as scared as I am?"
"Terrified."
"Okay."
"Okay."