by Mystic Dodo
James first realised something may be wrong with his wife, Lily Potter, when he could hear her tossing and turning during the night a few months after she had given birth to their son, Harry. She normally got disturbed from sleep when the baby began to cry, and either she or James would take action to sooth him, but once returning to bed Lily would be out like a light.
Not this night, however, after seeing her son.
"Lily?" James mumbled, unable to see anything in the darkness of their room. He reached out blindly with a hand and it came in contact with her side. He pulled her close to him and settled against her warm body. "What's wrong?"
Lily stayed silent for a few moments and James was already dropping off back to sleep. Harry had been rowdy the past few nights. However, he was interrupted when Lily sighed heavily. "There's... something... not quite right," she admitted, and James' hold around his wife tightened.
"About what?" He mumbled.
Lily once again appeared to be struggling with her words. She sighed and decided to blurt it out. "I don't know. Something just doesn't seem right with Harry."
That caught James' attention. "What do you mean 'something doesn't seem right with Harry'?" he asked, feeling more alert, sitting up and turning on the bedside lamp. Soft light flooded the bedroom, and James stared at his wife, one of his eyes closed against the onslaught of the change.
Lily indeed looked tired. Her auburn hair was messy, and her bright green eyes no longer as bright. Around her eyes were the growing shadows of lack of sleep. She was pale, and as she gazed into her husband's eyes, he could detect fear.
"Lily, what do you mean?" James repeated, reaching out a hand to touch Lily's shoulder.
She didn't answer him straight away, gazing at their bedroom door. "I..." She began, before stopping and shaking her head and frowning, trying to gather the words. James began to rub her back, hoping it would sooth the tense muscles, and provide some comfort. "Harry..."
James leaned in, all ears. A few seconds passed in a tense silence.
His wife growled at the back of her throat. "Forget it; it's just me being silly. Maybe he just has a cold or something," Lily finally said, slumping back down onto the pillows and pulling the duvet up.
James blinked as he gazed down at her. The smallest bubble of anxiety was bubbling at his chest, but he turned off the light and lay back down again, staring up into the darkness. After what seemed like ages, he could hear the soft rhythmic breathing of his wife, and he carefully climbed out of bed, mindful not to wake her. She must have been exhausted.
Tiptoeing out of their bedroom, James entered Harry's room. Toys littered the ground, and he was thankful that the boy had some night lights so he could at least be careful where he was treading. It wouldn't do anyone any good if he tripped over the toy cauldron and made a noise to wake everyone up. Maneuvering his way around the association of wizard toys, James approached the crib and gazed down into it, seeing his little boy.
Harry was around 9 months old, and already had a mop of his father's unruly hair. He was clutching onto the blanket wrapped around him, and his face was a healthy colour. James reached down and lightly placed his hand upon Harry's forehead; it felt normal. Aside from the increased wailing he did due to late teething, Harry had been acting completely normal. So what did Lily mean?
With a shrug and a mental note to ask his wife for further details later on, he bent down and kissed Harry's forehead gently before crawling back into his own bed. When Harry awoke crying a short while later, he saw to his son as Lily hid her head under the pillow, mumbling "go see him, James..."
ooOOoo
James kept a close eye on Harry for the next few days, on the look out for if something indeed was wrong with him, as Lily suspected. However, nothing seemed out of the norm when it came to Harry. Lily was a different story. She was sleeping worse than ever, and continually insisted that something must be wrong with Harry. She couldn't sleep due to being nervous about the baby, which in turn made her irritable.
"Lily, you're worrying over nothing," James told her time after time, when he caught her scrutinising their playing son. "Harry is completely fine, just like any other normal baby."
"But he's not just any normal baby is he, James?" Lily replied back, turning to face him. "Dumbledore warned us."
"Oh Lily," James laughed, feeling the tightness in his chest ease. "That must be what is bothering you!"
The auburn haired witch sniffed as she used her wand to clean up the drink Harry had just knocked down. "Well, can you blame me?" She asked him. "To know that You – Know – Who could be after our boy is a terrifying thought."
"Yeah, but you thought he was ill."
"We make mistakes, right?" Lily shrugged uncomfortably, a small blush over her face at her mistake.
James smiled gently at her, and walked so that he could gather Lily in his arms. He pressed a kiss to the side of her head, and held her. "Hey, if it will stop you worrying, let's contact Dumbledore," James said. "He mentioned some time ago about a spell that could be used to keep us safe. To keep Harry safe. It's better to be safe than sorry, right?" He took Lily's face gently in his hands and looked deep into her eyes. "What do you say?"
She bit her lip gently, and after a few seconds, Harry's gurgling laughter filling the air, she nodded.
He smiled at her. "I'll send an owl off today," he promised her, their lips meeting in a kiss. "That should stop those negative emotions."
Lily nodded, but still seemed unsure.
The uneasiness remained even after the Fidelius Charm had been cast around a month later. The charm took a while to perform, and Lily found herself getting more and more agitated throughout it. James walked towards his wife when he saw the fire burning in her eyes, but before he even reached her Lily had stormed away in angry tears. She refused to come out of the bedroom for the rest of the day.
The night after Dumbledore cast the charm, James was taken from his sleep by Harry's cries through the baby monitor. He didn't hear any movement from Lily so he opened one of his eyes to see if she had already gone to see him. The space beside him was empty and James settled back down again.
However, Harry was continuing to cry, and he couldn't hear Lily's soothing voice as she sung to the upset child. After a few minutes, James struggled to get out of bed and, stretching and yawning. He stumbled on his way to the nursery, lighting his wand with Lumos along the way.
He opened the door with a soft voice of "what's the matter, Harry?" The tip of his wand glowed, and he caught sight of Lily sitting on a chair beside Harry, not doing anything to comfort the boy. He blinked. "Lily? What are you doing?"
His wife's shoulders shook, and James took more steps into the room.
Lily didn't reply, and James frowned as he picked up their son, rubbing his back soothingly. After a few moments, Harry began to cease in his crying, and was soon dribbling on his father's shoulders as he drifted into dream land. Carefully, James re-arranged Harry in his arms and turned to stare at his unblinking wife. "Why weren't you comforting him?" James asked in a low voice, less than pleased.
Lily shook her head.
"Well?"
To James' confusion, Lily's own eyes were filling up with tears, and he carefully sat on the floor in front of his wife. "Lil? Tell me what's wrong," He asked her. Lily's tear filled eyes met with his, and her body shook harder.
"I'm a terrible mother," She whispered as a tear slipped from her overflowing eyes. It was followed by more, which James wiped away with the pad of his thumb.
"What are you on about?" James said softly back, giving her a smile. "You're a brilliant Mum. Harry couldn't ask for a better one."
Lily looked down as her son slept in her husbands' arms. "But because of me, he has the threat of V-Voldemort above his head," Lily said miserably, shaking some more. "I'm a horrible mother; who would do what I have done to their baby? Who? Who, James?"
Harry shifted in James' arms at Lily's raising voice, and James hushed the child. He calmed down, and James looked at his wife. "You know for a fact that this isn't your fault," He told her in a calm even voice. "This couldn't have been prevented. Harry is lucky to be born into our family... we're powerful magical beings, Lily. We have strong friends. We have the protection of Albus Dumbledore and the rest of the Order of the Phoenix. Harry has a fighting chance. Not other families will have the safety that we do."
James watched as Lily stared sadly at their boy.
"I just... feel like a worthless mum," She whispered. "I feel like... all of this is my fault."
"Which is silly," James said firmly. "This isn't your fault. This isn't my fault. This isn't Harry's fault, nor it is Dumbledore's, Sirius's, Remus's or Peter's. This is all the Dark Lord's fault. All of the blame lies with him. And he'll never find us. Peter is our Secret Keeper. We're perfectly safe."
A few moments passed, silent tears still streaming down Lily's pale face. Finally, she nodded. Her hand hesitated for a second or two as she reached out to touch the top of Harry's head, but she did and gave James a weak smile.
He smiled back.
ooOOoo
"Lily, come and see Sirius! He brought a little gift for Harry," James called up the stairs to their bedroom.
Behind him, he heard Sirius turn into his animagus form, a grim like dog, and licking Harry's face. The child, now one year old, happily laughed before falling over, narrowly missing his new toy broomstick.
James rolled his eyes at the two before calling up the stairs again. "Lily?" Again there was no answer, so James went up the stairs, two at a time, to see what his wife was doing. He knocked upon their shut bedroom door and opened it. "Honey?" It was dark within the room, and James could just make out a lump in their bed. It was silent.
He walked forward and sat down carefully on the bed.
"Hi, James..." Lily's distant voice said.
"Hey yourself," He replied back, landing a hand on what looked like her shoulder. "Come downstairs; Sirius is here and he brought Harry a present."
Lily shook her head and mumbled incoherently.
"Come on Lils, you've barely done anything recently. It's Harry's birthday. You should at least spend some time with him today."
James watched as his wife shook her head again. "I don't feel well..." She said quietly before burying her head into the pillows. "I don't want to see anyone..."
The head of the Potter family sighed in disappointment; for the last two visits, Peter and Remus bringing their own gifts to Harry, Lily had claimed to not be well. That was a week ago; he understood that it was a stressful time (Voldemort being at his most active), but everyone was feeling the strain. Couldn't Lily at least greet her friend instead of locking herself away?
He knew better than to force her though. Her anger hadn't been something to mess with recently. So instead he kissed the side of her head and left the room without another word, feeling anxious as he rejoined his son and best friend.
ooOOoo
Sobbing woke James from his slumber. He turned over in the bed, half thinking he was still asleep, but the sobbing continued. It didn't sound like Harry's...
Opening his bleary eyes, James reached out, grabbed his wand and whispered "Lumos." Soft light shone out, and James looked towards Lily, to see her curled up on the bed, shaking and rocking herself in motions to soothe the tears and sobs. Her blood shot emerald green eyes darted towards James before returning to their staring into nothingness. In one of her hands was one of Harry's old bibs.
"Lily, what's the matter?" He asked her softly, immediately feeling awake. He sat up and moved to wrap an arm around her trembling shoulders. Lily collapsed against him, desperately crying onto his shoulder. He was confused – what could have upset Lily so much? – but he continued to hold her, whispering comforting nothings into her auburn hair.
After what seemed like ages, Lily's crying turned into sniffs, and she pulled away from James' embrace, once again returning to hug herself. "Sorry..." she whispered.
"What for?" James asked softly.
"For giving birth to Harry..."
"What? Why would you be sorry for that?" James hissed, suddenly feeling angry. "Harry is our child! Why did you just say that?"
Lily shrunk against herself, but answered his question. "I can't take care of him," She said shrilly. "I can't look after the Saviour of the Wizarding World," Her rocking increased. "It's too much. I can't look after a baby. I'm sorry, I'm sorry to have brought this on you, James..."
"We had this talk a few months ago. This isn't your fault! This is Voldemort's fault," James said, struggling to keep the anger out of his voice; it wouldn't do any good to the situation. "We don't even know if Harry is the one mentioned in the Prophecy!" He reached out and placed a hand on her knee. "This is just a precaution. You know that."
"But information about us has been going to the Dark Side for ages..." Lily said fearfully. "He's after Harry... and I can't look after him. It would be better if he just came for the child... Harry will be miserable with me as a mother," Some more tears fell from her eyes, as her hand tightened on Harry's apron.
James stared at his wife. "You don't mean that," He finally said, feeling horribly worried about what Lily was saying. "If Voldemort appeared any day now, I can guarantee that you would save him, protected him... with your life." Lily shook her head to herself, but James saw it. "It's a motherly instinct... no matter what, Harry is your son. Our little boy. We have to protect him, and will do automatically if he is in danger. Please, I don't want to hear you say anything like that again," He squeezed Lily's knee and got up from the bed, retrieving some pillows and another duvet from under their bed. "I'm gonna sleep in with Harry," He told Lily. "Get some rest. I'll see to him if he wakes up."
He walked out of the room with one backward glance at his once again sobbing wife. Sadness tugged at his heart.
ooOOoo
"I'm really worried, Remus," James confided to the werewolf a few days later. The two males were sipping cups of coffee. Harry was having an afternoon nap, and Lily was having a shower. The first one for a week. "Lily would never say that... I'm so worried."
Remus nodded thoughtfully, his amber eyes alight with curiosity. "So Lily has been complaining of feeling off colour, sleeping during the day but not at night, is angry and tearful, thinks that the Voldemort situation is her fault and that she's an awful mother?"
James nodded. "Yeah, that sounds just about right. I mean, we're protected by the Fidelius Charm," He said. "What could she possible have to worry about? Peter wouldn't betray us. We've known him since First Year at Hogwarts," He shook his head. "I'm just worried. What's wrong with her? Maybe it's sleep loss but something doesn't feel right..."
"I understand what you're saying James," Remus replied, sounding thoughtful. "It does sound serious... I'll see what I can find out, okay? Who knows, maybe McGonagall will be able to think of something in the next Order meeting next week."
James nodded.
"Until then, Prongs, keep an eye on them both, alright?" Remus's voice had turned serious. "Things aren't sounding good... with Lily or Voldemort's activity."
ooOOoo
It was Halloween morning when James got a reply from Remus. The note was short and brief. It sounds like Lily is suffering from something called Postnatal Depression. The note read. There's nothing much I can suggest that you do with home treatment aside from be there for her, and try to engage Lily in doing activities with Harry. Once this war is over, we'll be able to get her some professional help. Take care and good luck, Moony.
Well, that did sound logical... After some careful thought about what he could do to try and ease his wife's irrational emotions, James folded the note into the inside of his pocket, and prepared some breakfast for his wife. He left Harry in his own seat, messily eating his own food, and wondered up the stairs.
Lily was curled up in bed. She was awake (James could see light reflected in her eyes), and he smiled brightly at her. "Good morning, Lils!" James said cheerfully. Lily gave him a half smile. "You better sit up; don't want to get food all over the place, do you?" He said, as Lily looked at the tray in his hands. She did as he had asked, and stared down at the breakfast with curiosity.
"What's this for?" She asked him, her voice sounding flat and tired.
James kissed her on the cheek. "Well, it's Halloween. Can't I treat my wife on Halloween?"
"Last I heard, Halloween wasn't 'give your wife breakfast in bed' day," Lily replied. Nonetheless, she picked up the toast and nibbled on it. "Thank you."
They sat in silence until Lily was finished, and she turned to him. "Where's Harry?"
"Downstairs," He told her, taking the tray off her lap. "Get yourself dressed, my beautiful lady. We're gonna have a family day today!"
"Oh, James, I don't know. I still don't feel right," Lily immediately said. However, James shook his head.
"That's why you're going to spend some time with us," He said firmly. "It'll take your mind off whatever is bothering you. Harry misses his mummy."
Lily got a flash of guilt across her face, but sighed and nodded in submission.
"Great! So get yourself dressed and we'll go and play some games with our beautiful prongslet, okay?" James said happily. He went from the room before Lily could say anything else. He listened carefully for his wife in the next half an hour. She had gotten into the shower. Whilst she was in there, James cleaned off any mess Harry had made with his food, and set up the main room to look very Halloween like. He hoped this would do some good...
When Lily finally reappeared, James greeted her with a gentle kiss. "There we go, love," He said to her. "You look better than the stars on a clear night sky."
Lily gave him a weak smile. "That was incredibly cheesy."
"Well, it made you smile!" James shrugged. "That's what matters. Now come say hello to Harry!"
The one and a half year old was watching with fascination as a charmed bat toy flew around his head. He caught it expertly in his chubby hands and released it, clapping happily. "A natural quidditch player, he is." James commented, sounding proud.
Lily knelt down on the floor near Harry. He was too absorbed into his flying bat to know his mum was there, however, and within a few minutes Lily got up from the floor again, mumbling how "he hates me."
"Now, now!" James said, getting Lily by the shoulders. "Just take the toy away from him and he'll pay attention to you," He took the charm off the bat, and it fell lifeless to the floor, as though hit by an invisible killing curse.
Harry stared at it sadly before he looked around and saw his mother. His face broke out into a smile, and he reached out his arms for a cuddle. "See?" James said softly, nudging Lily to kneel down and pick up her son. "He loves you! Just like I do."
Lily bent down and hesitantly picked up her son. James watched with hope in his eyes as Lily and Harry sat down on the sofa and Harry reached out to tug at Lily's damp auburn hair. She gave a small smile at her son as she plucked the hair strands from his grasp. Harry giggled.
"Isn't that lovely?" James said encouragingly. "Harry loves spending time with his mother. He loves you a lot, Lils."
The witch was looking down at her child, her face blank and hands holding onto his fidgeting body carefully. Harry's wild nest of black hair was sticking up in all directions, and she absently raised a hand to try and flatten it. It sprung to life again.
"Just like his old man!" James said proudly.
"Except his eyes," Lily whispered. "He has my eyes."
James came up behind her, and kissed the side of her neck. "And very beautiful they are too."
In all, most of the day was successful. Lily did feel uncomfortable holding Harry whilst standing, convinced that she would drop him, and had disappeared for a good ten minutes after lunch as she cried at her incompetence as a mother. James had managed to persuade her to continue as she was doing a "marvelous job", and no other incidents had happened.
It was now late evening and they were now sitting on the sofa, Lily helping Harry with his easy picture book.
James was smiling at his family, feeling a rush of love. 'It'll be fine,' He told himself. 'Lily is already responding to some positive feedback. It'll all be fine, and will get better when Voldemort is defeated.'
A few more minutes passed, and James opened his mouth to see if anyone wanted a drink.
An alarm sounded.
Lily and Harry looked up from their game, and James paled. No... it couldn't be. It just couldn't be. But the alarm continued to wail loudly, and James jumped up from his seat, pulling out his wand. His heart was thumping widely inside his chest. "Lily! It's him. Take Harry and go! I'll hold him off."
She didn't need to be told twice. She picked up her son without hesitation, and fled, just as the front door was blasted off its hinges. James held out his wand, hand shaking, as he heard Harry's cries of surprise from somewhere behind him.
"So, this is where you've been hiding. The rat was actually useful for once," The hissing voice of the walking Grim Reaper, of The Dark Lord Voldemort, filled James' ears.
'Peter, you bastard!' James threw a curse at Voldemort, trying to create as much time as possible for Lily to send for help and to escape, but the purple light was easily defleated. He barely had time to throw another curse before a blinding flash of green light hit him squarely in the chest.
Voldemort quickly stepped over the fallen body of James Potter, and followed the sound of the baby's cries. It led him upstairs to what was the boy's bedroom. He began to feel a greedy excitement, knowing that the threat that faced him in the future would soon be dead. He will be unrivaled! He would make sure of that. He reached the landing.
Lily screamed and slammed the bedroom door shut as Voldemort approached, but he easily spelled it open again. Lily was placing her son into his crib, her whole body shaking with terror.
He smirked and held up his wand as she looked down at her soon to be dead baby boy. Lily could sense Voldemort's movements behind her and a sudden wave of fierce protectiveness (as James had promised her months ago) began to surge through her veins. She took a deep breath, gathering her courage. She still felt like a worthless mother, but she had to protect Harry... for James.
"I love you Harry, take care okay?"