I could see a shadow pacing outside of my door.
Maybe it's just a guard passing by...
But it came back and forth again right outside my door.
My heart started to race and my palms were sweaty.
Creeping from my bed I made my way to my door.
I could faintly hear the footsteps now and it didn't sound like a guard, they were much louder in their chain mail and carrying their heavy swords at their waist.
Reaching over to the dresser I removed three long white candles from a thick silver candle holder and grasped it in my hand. It weighed more than I thought it would. Good.
Holding my breath I reached and grabbed the doorknob and slowly turned it.
The pacing continued, not noticing the small squeak the doorknob made.
In one big motion, I flung the door open and held the candle holder up like a sword in front of me.
Spinning around and throwing his hands up defensively was... Finn.
We looked at each other with wide eyes for a solid five seconds.
Then Finn burst out laughing.
"What the hell are you doing?" he asked, doubled over.
My face turned bright red and I quickly tucked the candle holder behind my back.
"I thought you were- Why are you- Stop laughing at me!"
My face was so hot I couldn't look at him anymore. I turned and put the candle holder back on the dresser and crossed my arms tightly over my chest. I felt exposed not having time to get my robe before.
Finn stood and wiped his eyes, still laughing.
God, it really isn't that funny.
He stepped into my room and closed the door without permission.
I glared at him. He grinned back. My heart flipped.
"Why are you pacing outside my door like a crazy person?" I demanded, still annoyed.
Taking a deep breath he stopped his laughter and looked at me with a crooked smile.
"I wanted to see you."
He repeated his line from the last time he showed up at my room.
"Well now you see me," I motioned to myself sarcastically trying to hide my inward freak out.
"Yes, I do," Finn said softly, all teasing gone. His eyes swept over me, head to toe and back.
I blushed again, my heart speeding up once more.
"Well?" I asked, crossing my arms and pursing my lips.
Finn took in a deep breath again but it was shaky.
He bit his bottom lip and looked away from me.
Then he started pacing again but this time in front of me.
I watched him go back and forth three times running his hands through his hair. It looked damp like he too had just bathed. I had the urge to smell his wet hair and shook my head to clear my thoughts.
"What is going on?" I asked, feeling uneasy at his frantic energy.
"Right," he huffed and stopped in front of me.
Finn pushed his palms together in front of himself and looked at me for a long second.
His eyes slowly narrowed then he abruptly started pacing again.
"No, no, that's not..." he mumbled and rubbed his chin.
I had never seen him like this.
Prince Finneas Wentworth, bored brooding Mr. cool calm and collected, was... nervous?
"Finn?" I asked again more gently.
He stopped once more and looked at me. He actually blushed.
"Nope," he said, shaking his head and started pacing again.
Huffing, I stepped in front of him. He had to stop suddenly not to run into me.
We were inches apart.
He looked down at me and I looked up at him.
"What's wrong?" I asked quietly, gazing at him.
Finn's face reddened again and he looked away.
"Nothing is... wrong..." he mumbled. "That's not true. Everything is wrong!" he said quickly, putting his hands in his hair again and huffed.
"Just tell me what's going on?" I said as calmly as I could.
"I- I- I don't know how to start," he said, pinching the bridge of his nose.
"Then start from the beginning," I said like I was talking to a child.
"The beginning?"
Finn barked out a laugh and huffed again, rubbing his temples now.
"Finn, please," I sighed, feeling extra nervous.
"Fine! Fine. Okay. The beginning," Finn started speaking quickly and stepped past me and started pacing again but at least he was talking now.
"In the beginning you were... you were nothing! You were some nobody girl in some nowhere village who- sure was fine as hell- but was nothing but a reminder of a bad childhood memory! I invited you because I never forgot the promise my father made to yours and finally wanted to do one of the many things I thought he should since he was sick. But also, so selfishly, I knew you wouldn't belong here, maybe just like I didn't belong here. Here in this ridiculous Season of pompous rich brats trying to get a richer husband or wife than themselves... and I wanted nothing to do with it! I knew none of these women cared about who I was other than that I was second in line to the throne. And then you. You were so annoying. So judgmental and ridiculous!"
"Hey!" I said taking offense.
Finn laughed once at my outburst, kept pacing, and went on.
"But then everyone freaked out once it got out that I invited you and said we belonged together and my mother, well she loved you and wouldn't stop talking about you. Then Cedric- that idiotic asshole- decided he wanted you. I guess because he's never not gotten whatever he wanted and the second he thought I might actually- that I- to you... Ah! He just had to step in and say you were his first choice! And I was just expected to be fine with it because it's not like Finneas has feelings for anyone ever! Well, that's when I decided that I too... That I- Well I came to you that night and invited you to the beach and well..."
He stopped moving and put his hands on his hips out of breath. He gestured vaguely in front of him.
"That day was... perfect. You were perfect! But then... You said you loved Cedric in your sleep as I was putting you to bed! And of course, I saw the love letter by your bed! What was I supposed to do with that?! So I said I was done with you and would leave you alone. And Lacey... well she was nice. Which I know now was just a lie from the pits of hell but- well I had to choose someone! My father made that very clear one day when he was awake for once."
Finn stopped and a look of grief crossed his features. He shook his head and pushed on.
"The option of choosing no one, which was my plan all along, was no longer an option! But I didn't want to ruin it for you or Cedric if you really were in- in love. But then! God only knows how! You were outside my room that night when I was being an idiot and trying to distract myself from my turmoil with Lacey! I had no idea what that meant but it had to mean something. Didn't it?! So I started to hope again. I followed you and was so close to knocking on your door but I stopped... I remembered Cedric and Mother talking and planning for your and Cedric's future and they were so... happy... so I was a coward and left. Then fast forward to the ball and you come in looking like beauty incarnate and I absolutely couldn't keep myself away from you. Well here comes Finneas the Asshole again to ruin that moment in the courtyard and then all the shit happened with Lacey I didn't know about- I swear I didn't know, Rowan. I knew nothing! Then I came to you that very same night to tell you how I felt in the smallest hope that even if you did love Cedric that maybe you could- you could want me too... God, I must have looked like such a dick when you asked if Lacey was gone and said she was here like an idiot!" Finn threw his hands up at this and groaned in frustration.
"Then you asked me if I was basically ready to get married in a few weeks, which was totally fair given the circumstances," he added quickly, stopping to look at me, then paced again. "And I didn't know what to say because I was terrified of getting hurt again! And then you sent me away which- well- it fucking hurt! It absolutely destroyed me. But now it makes so much more sense as to why you did..." he looked back over at me for a long moment but then continued, calmer this time.
"But I didn't know that then and so I stopped. I stopped everything and just hid away. I felt empty- lifeless but as long as you were happy, I could manage. Then comes the night when you fell asleep outside. And here comes Finneas the Prick again. I could have just told the guards we were walking or having dinner but me being me- well- I basically tricked you into kissing me! But then... holy hell," Finn stopped and closed his eyes. "That kiss. That kiss was everything. That kiss tore me into pieces. That kiss set my soul ablaze." He put his face in his hands for a moment, breathing heavy.
I was glad he didn't look at me because I was bright red.
He felt that way too...
"I wanted to tell you," he said quietly into his hands. "I wanted to tell you everything right then. So much for all my hopeless promises to leave you alone. I was going to tell you. And even though you stopped me and left- even though I beat it away with every ounce of strength I had- I hoped again..."
After a long pause, he dropped his hands and finally turned to me.
"Then Cedric came the next day and announced your engagement... I- I- couldn't even- I didn't-" he took two deep shaky breaths and went on, "I just couldn't- anything- everything- nothing. I stopped living- I was void of life. This girl-" he motioned at me and took a step closer, "This girl that meant absolutely nothing had become my absolute everything. And with her gone. With her out of reach but always in front of me- but never to touch- to kiss- to be with... I became nothing."
Finn closed his eyes and grimaced making my chest tighten. He opened his eyes, put his hand on his chest and he stepped closer again.
"I was nothing and accepted a future of nothing. Then after Lacey... after she- and then you were in front of me so helpless- all that blood and in pain and I couldn't do anything. I knew then I was hopeless. There was no more fighting it or bottling it away... You kept saying my name in your sleep and..." he muttered and smiled.
I gaped and somehow turned even brighter red.
"And now- now- after everything that's happened the last two days- I am yet again doing what I swore I would never do," Finn stopped a foot in front of me.
"Rowan," he breathed my name and I could smell him.
My head swam.
"I am somehow- against all reasoning, facts, and common sense- hoping again," he pulled his brows together in a look of complete defeat.
Reaching very slowly he wiped a tear that slid down my face.
When did I start crying?!
I hastily wiped my face with my arms.
It was soaked with tears.
God, I'm such a baby.
Finn chuckled softly, making my stomach flutter.
"Rowan," he whispered and inched a little closer but didn't touch me.
I looked up at him with wide eyes.
"Rowan, please, please just be honest with me. No more games. No more teasing. I swear- I will leave and never bother you again- never bring this up again. I will watch you marry Cedric with a smile and be your friend and nothing more for the rest of our lives..." his voice sounded tortured but I knew he was telling the truth.
He reached up and grabbed a small piece of my hair between his finger and thumb and dropped it.
Finn looked me deep in the eyes. Deeper than I ever knew someone could look at me.
I looked back and forth between his eyes, unable to speak, his gaze steady.
"Please- just tell me... Is there a reason for me to hope?"