For a brief moment, it felt as if time had stopped. I couldn't move, I couldn't breathe, and it felt like my world was coming down around me. Though it might've been only a few seconds before I moved from the spot I'd been frozen in, it felt like I spent an eternity in thought. It was as if I couldn't understand why someone even as rotten as Leo would want to hurt someone like Karina. My mind could only think that one simple thought over and over and over again as I took in the alarm in her eyes: Karina.
When I finally realized that my legs did in fact work, I had never moved so fast in my entire life. In less than a second I had reached the man that I'd come to hate and raised my foot in between his legs, driving him to immediately release the brunette and fall to his knees. I kicked him again, this time in the stomach, and I was about to try for a third when Karina's hands wrapped around my waist and pulled me back. "Stop," she whispered in my ear. "That's not you."
Leo groaned and got to his feet, fury in his eyes as he held his stomach and coughed up a little bit of blood. "You piece of shit--"
I shook Karina off of me, stepping forward and pushing my finger into his chest. "Putting your filthy hands on me is one thing Leo, but if you even think about touching this woman again, I will single handedly make sure you rot in hell."
"I wouldn't have gotten anywhere near her if she'd have told me the truth about where you were. I just want to talk, Winter, god damn!"
"Well I don't want to talk to you, and I suggest you get the fuck out of this building before I pick up the phone and call the police."
"You won't," he said calmly, brushing off his pants as if he hadn't just been strangling another human being.
I couldn't control my anger. "Yeah? Fucking watch me!"
I turned and dropped my bag off of my back, opening it hastily and searching for my phone. I couldn't tell what Leo was doing but I was too angry to care. Karina's arms wrapped around me again before I found my phone and pulled me up, turning me around so that she could place both of her hands on my cheeks. "Win, relax, okay? Please? You're not calling the police. Stop acting and take a minute to think."
I stared at her with wide eyes and barely whispered, "How can you say that?"
She looked calm now. When Leo's hands were wrapped around her neck, there was plenty of alarm in her eyes, worry even, but no fear, and I wondered how that could be. Before she had the chance to answer, Leo stepped forward. "Winter, we actually need to talk. I'm sorry for putting my hands on your friend."
I took my eyes off of Karina briefly to look at him, my anger resurfacing. "Yeah you fucking better be. I don't want to talk to you Leo, I don't care what you think we need to do."
"I know, but you care about being sent back into the system, which is what I'm trying to prevent."
"Is that right? By giving me an assortment of different colored bruises all over my body?"
Karina could tell I was furious with him right now, and she put her hands on my shoulders from behind to try and relax me. Leo spoke, ignoring me. "You need to come home. Your social worker stopped by yesterday. She's stopping by again in the next few days but I don't know when, and you know as well as I do that not being there the second time will raise a hell of a lot of suspicion."
I knew Leo was telling the truth because he had never lied to me, and I was due for a visit from my social worker. My heart practically fell out of my chest. I did need to go back.
"Yeah, whatever, leave."
"Winter--"
"I asked you to leave."
He eyed Karina and I again before, surprisingly, he turned and walked down the steps with ease. He seemed to be content with his success in telling me what he needed to, because he put up no fight. He didn't need to because he knew that I knew I needed to be home for my social worker's visit.
I slowly closed the door and turned around, my eyes meeting Karina's after a while. I let out a breath of air filled with exhaustion and anguish. I placed my hand on Karina's neck and let my thumb brush over the skin that Leo had had his hands wrapped around. Karina spoke in a whisper. "I'm fine, Win."
"Why would you open the door for him?"
She shook her head. "I wasn't thinking about Leo, I just didn't look to see who it was before opening the door. Stupid, I know, but I guess I'm not accustomed to worrying about who could be behind my door at nine thirty at night."
I looked behind her at the eight year old sleeping peacefully on the couch, and my heart sunk. I couldn't be here anymore for two reasons. I needed to be at Leo's house for my social worker, but I also couldn't continue putting them in danger. Now I knew for sure that Leo wasn't above hurting someone other than me, and I couldn't let that happen to Karina again, especially not while her niece was in the apartment.
"What did he say to you?"
"He..." she trailed off. "He told me that he needed to know where you were. I wasn't going to tell him and that pissed him off, I guess. The next thing I knew his hands were on my neck."
I breathed heavily, trying not to picture it again because the sight of Leo's hands on Karina only made me want to cry. I eyed her beautiful face for a moment before lowering my head and walking towards her bedroom. She chased after me. "What are you doing?"
I pushed open her door and grabbed my duffle bag, pulling open the drawer she'd allowed me to put my clothes in. "Getting my stuff."
She stared at me for a while, before she spoke, her voice wavering in a way that nearly broke my heart. Her beautiful eyes teared through my soul, as if she knew what was coming next but couldn't and wouldn't accept it. "What?"
I looked up, struggling to maintain a composed expression. I wanted to break down in her arms because I was still completely shaken over seeing Leo hurt her, but I couldn't do that. I needed to pick my shit up and go because I couldn't make this harder for myself or her. I was just glad Addy wasn't awake, because it would make this goodbye impossible.
And I didn't know how I was going to continue going to her class.
"You know I can't stay here."
Her brow creased. "What are you talking about? You're letting Leo get to you now? After over two months in my apartment? He didn't even hurt me!"
"It doesn't matter. You don't see what I see. I see a six foot two, mentally unstable alcoholic putting his hands on you with Addy in the background. I have enough to think about, I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I was the reason that you or Addy got seriously hurt. Leo is capable of a lot, Karina. I can't be here anymore."
"I'll tell Lavender to start dropping Addy off at her grandparent's house instead then.... but you can be here, Win. You can't be at Leo's house."
"You don't understand, I have to go. If my social worker comes back and I'm not there again, she's going to get suspicious. She's not that bad at her job and Leo's not that discreet about his shitty parenting skills, she'll figure it out."
She ran a hand over her face, stepping forward and pulling my hand out of the drawer, closing it in the process. "So go for a day and after she visits, come back. You're not staying there Win, you.. you can't."
I shook my head. "You can't tell me what to do. I can't bear to see either of you get hurt, Karina, that's what I can't do. I felt everything inside of me literally shattering when I saw Leo with his hands on you. I honestly can't let you put yourself in harm's way for me anymore."
"I don't care about me if caring means that you go back home to Leo. You don't understand Win, just the thought of you having to go back to that again is hard enough."
I pulled the drawer back out, grabbing the rest of my clothes. "Well then if you won't think about your own safety, think about Addy's. You're not going to turn yours and Lavender's world upside down by trying to make other arrangements for her just because of me and Leo. I want your apartment to be safe. You and her mean too much to me, and now that I know Leo is not too proud to hurt you, I can't stay here."
I threw my duffle bag over my shoulder and tried not to look at her eyes, because I knew it would only hurt. I made to leave but she held me back, placing her hands on my shoulders and guiding the strap of my duffle bag off of one of them. "Win," she whispered, her voice soft. "I can't let you leave without knowing you're coming back."
I pushed her hands off of my shoulders and pressed my palm to her cheek, trying to give her a soft smile. I could guarantee that I only ended up looking pained. I let my hand fall. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have even been here for this long."
I picked up my bag and stepped around her, only to have her grab my wrist and turn me back around. She pulled me into her and pressed her lips to mine, all thoughts of Leo fading away in that moment. We were close, so close that I could feel her heart, or maybe that was mine, pounding on her chest, begging to escape. It didn't change anything for me, in fact, our kiss only seemed to make it clearer in my mind that I needed to leave for good. I let myself enjoy the feeling of her warm breath on my skin as I savored her taste before pulling away.
"Please come back," she whispered, her bottom lip trembling even more than it had been the previous night.
"You see..." I shook my head. "As if I didn't have enough reasons for leaving, there's another good one."
Her eyebrows furrowed. "What?"
"Whatever the hell is happening between us is exhausting me, and I can't do it anymore Karina."
She shook her head. "Win--"
I stopped her. "No, listen to me. I don't want to just be a pair of lips there for you when you need them. I want to be the person that makes you happy, like you told Kenneth! I want to be the person you can trust in to talk to. Don't you get that? Do you understand how it makes me feel to know that I've told you almost everything about me, but you can't even trust me enough to tell me about your mom?"
I must've rendered her speechless, because she let her mouth open briefly as she stood back, but nothing came out. Eventually she spoke. "I would put both mine and Addy's lives in your hands, Win, that's how much I trust you. Trust has nothing to do with the fact that I don't want to talk about my mom."
"Do you think I wanted to talk about my family? Do you think that's something I enjoy talking about? It's not, Karina, but I did anyway because I wanted you to know. You mean a lot to me and for once in my life I wanted to let someone in. It hurts to know that you're not willing to do the same thing."
She looked defeated, and I really hated taking out my frustration on her, but she was one of the reasons I was frustrated and I wanted her to talk to me. I more than anyone knew what it was like to not want to talk, but I had gone out of my comfort zone anyway, and I wanted her to do the same.
Her voice was quiet when she finally spoke, "It's not just you, Winter. Lavender is the only one I've ever spoken to about my mom after she passed, and after that one night, I never talked about it again. It fucks with my head to think about in depth, and I don't want to close down on you."
"It's not like it would be the first time."
Karina sighed, but she stepped closer to me, holding my arms. "Is that what's it going to take?"
"What?"
"If I tell you what happened, will you stay?"
"I..." I trailed off. I couldn't promise her that I would stay. I knew that. I needed to leave and see my social worker, regardless of whether or not I chose to stay at Leo's house. But at the same time, I had never wanted to know anything more in my life. I just stood there because I honestly had no idea what to say.
She sat down on the bed and spoke anyway. "I don't know if I can do this. The only reason I'm considering it is because I need you to stay here."
I stared at her, wondering when she'd become so blatantly honest. There was so much sincerity in her voice, more so than I'd ever heard. "You could try?"
She let out a shaky breath, and I could tell that she was doing her best to conceal her emotion. It wasn't like yesterday, when I was almost sure I had seen her wiping away tears. Her eyes were completely dry. "I want you to understand how much I trust and care about you, so yes, I will try, Win." She paused, sighing.
"It happened on Christmas Eve."
I widened my eyes, my heart falling. I was already crushed and she hadn't even said anything about her mom yet. She spoke again, her voice hard and her eyes trained on the ground. "I was driving her home from Lavender's. I... I made a stupid mistake that I'd do anything to take back but I just can't now. It's... it's too late."
I watched her struggle with her words before she spoke them. "We started talking about what we were doing for Christmas. She said we were going over Lavender's again and she mentioned that Kenneth was bringing his girlfriend."
I wasn't exactly sure where this was going, but I had an idea based on the argument that Karina and Kenneth had been having yesterday about Karina's sexuality. She heaved a sigh and continued. "I had a girlfriend at the time. I made a statement about how I'd pick her up and then swing by Lavender's around seven."
She shook her head. "She told me no. You have to understand, my mom was ridiculously homophobic. I never blamed her for it, and I usually just shoved it aside because she just chose to ignore the fact that I was attracted to girls as well as guys instead of, I don't know, kicking me out for it or something extreme."
"So she chose to believe that you were straight because you dated men too."
She nodded slowly. "Right. She treated my high school and college boyfriends like saints. She welcomed them and made them feel like they were at home. But she made both of my ex-girlfriends feel like absolute shit about themselves, whether on purpose or not. I don't think she knew what she was doing but she wasn't the same with them. When she told me I shouldn't, with a heavy implication that I couldn't, bring my girlfriend to Lavender's, I got angry. I'd been keeping all my feelings about her ignorance inside, and I couldn't hold it in anymore, I guess."
Her voice was starting to quaver, and I payed attention to the fact that it seemed much harder for her to maintain her composure than before. "I got mad," she hardly whispered. I looked into her eyes, which were seemingly empty and far away. I was half-glad she was staring at the floor because I was convinced that if she was looking at me, she'd just be staring through me. "I... turned into a different person. I was always so calm, so... collected. I still am, or I try to be, anyway. I got so angry at her for not letting me be myself that I was practically shaking." Her bottom lip trembled. "I had um... I had been..."
"It's okay, Rina."
Her eyes grew dark and she looked away. "It's not okay, Win. I'd been drinking."
Suddenly I understood everything. Those few words were all it took for me to understand why she was the way she was. Why she always got so mad at me for drinking, why she was overprotective about me and why she hated the fact that I had a fake ID.
It all made sense.
"I wasn't drunk but... we started yelling and... and I wasn't paying any attention to the road when I should have been. I should never have looked away. I was stupid and reckless, and it was all because of a pointless argument that I started when I shouldn't have. I should never have been driving in the first place."
I mindlessly reached over to try and comfort her because she looked like she needed it, but she shrugged me off of her. I didn't say anything because I knew this is what she meant when she said she would close down and I had pushed her to tell me anyway.
She spoke, her voice hard. "I'd driven onto the other side of the road." She winced, as if picturing the accident. "I saw headlights... and.. I turned, and the next thing I knew there was a telephone pole crushing my mom's side of the car."
She gritted her teeth, shutting her eyes and re-opening them, finally turning to me. Her eyes held so much pain, the kind that I was familiar with. It hurt every day that my family couldn't be here with me, but after twelve years, I had gotten used to it. Karina had only been dealing with it for two, and she felt responsible, which I knew all too well made it ten times worse. "Are you happy now?"
I felt my heart sinking in my chest. I shook my head, reaching over slowly and tucking a loose strand of her black hair behind her ear. "No, but you have no idea how much what you just did means to me."
She put her head in her hands, releasing one long, heavy breath of air that made me shiver. I spoke, "Is it okay if I ask you something?"
Karina just turned briefly, watching me, but stayed completely silent. I asked anyway, "Kenneth wasn't even in the accident. How could he blame you?"
She stared back at the floor, mindlessly reaching up to the spot behind her ear where I had just touched. "I wouldn't talk to anyone for a while after the accident. My girlfriend and I broke up, I drifted away from a lot of my friends... I was such a mess. It took a while but I finally broke down in front of Lavender and told her what happened, and that's when Kenneth conveniently walked into the room. The minute he heard me say I had a few drinks, he never let me hear the end of it. He was and still is in the grieving stage and he needs something to blame, so he chose me, for good reason."
"Do you really believe that he has a good reason for acting the way that he does?"
She eyed me, sighing. "Don't be Lavender. Please, please don't be Lavender. Don't tell me how much it isn't my fault when that's nothing but a flat out lie--"
I shook my head, stopping her by placing my hand on hers. "I wasn't going to tell you that." She looked up, meeting my eyes as I spoke again. "I don't know exactly what you're feeling but I do know what it's like to feel responsible for something terrible. I know from experience that other people telling you it's not your fault doesn't mean anything until you yourself learn to accept what happened."
"But you didn't have anything to do with the fire--"
"I wasn't talking about the fire, and I'm not going to elaborate right now. Just know that I've felt a very similar feeling to the one that you've been feeling for the last two years."
Her emeralds, lit with pain but also curiosity, met mine and she tilted her head. I flipped her hand over and slid my fingers into the spaces between hers. I'd been dying to hold her hand ever since she'd held mine after she found my second ID. It felt natural. She scooted back on the bed, never quite separating from me. She stayed quiet but I raised my voice again. "I promise this is the last question, but will you tell me why you quit your job now?"
She played with our fingers, looking away. "It wasn't every day, but when I had to visit a crime scene and take samples from the surroundings and.... the body.. it was too much. Every time I looked at it, no matter whose body it was, I saw my mom's pale, lifeless face staring back at me, and I just couldn't do that anymore. I don't want to teach but I can't do what I love anymore without either getting emotional or completely shutting down, and that really sucks."
"Do you think maybe one day you'll be able to go back?"
She looked back over at me and tugged me closer to her, wrapping her arms around me. "I sure hope so."
We stayed quiet for what felt like forever after that, her probably thinking about her mom while I did the same, only I also couldn't help but think about the fact that I was in the warmth of her embrace. After quite a while, she spoke up. "You are such a beautiful person Win, and you don't deserve to go through the shit that Leo puts you through when you're in his house. Please, I can't live with myself if I let you walk out of here and Leo seriously hurts you."
She looked down at me, cupping my face and grazing my lips. "Stay with me," she purred, making me shiver.
I didn't answer her but I also didn't move, and she must've taken that as an okay because she shut the light off and tightened her grip around me. I wanted to stay in her arms forever but regardless of everything that had just happened between the two of us, I had no choice but to go. I certainly didn't spend a year and a half in Leo's house to give up and go back into the system now. I needed to be there for my social worker, and even after she left, I couldn't come back to Karina's apartment. She had enough going on; she didn't need Leo in her life.
So when she fell asleep, I silently thanked my lucky stars that she was a semi-deep sleeper and removed her arms from around my body. Reluctantly, I brushed my hand over her cheek and pressed my lips to hers one more time. It felt almost as if someone was going through my circulatory system with a pair of scissors, torturously cutting every last one of my heart strings until my chest felt completely broken. She'd be mad when she woke up. Furious, probably. I knew that.
I was just glad I wouldn't be there for it.
I slid out of the bed, picking up my duffle bag and slinging it over my shoulder. I knew this wouldn't be the last time I'd see her, but it damn well might've been the last time she'd show me any kind of compassion. I eyed her one more time before walking into the living room, placing an extremely light kiss on Addy's forehead.
I placed a note with two simple words on the counter, and then, without overthinking my decision, I left her apartment.