MACI POV
"It was nice of you to come today." My mom told Jared as we sat in a consultation room at the hospital.
"No problem." He said flashing a small smile.
I could tell he was uncomfortable, nervous even. We were meeting with Dr. Hildebrand to discuss the results of my bone marrow biopsy and aspiration, what our options were, and what would be the best way to continue. It wasn't common practice for people who weren't immediate family to attend these sort of talks but my parents had always been very willing to let me decide who went to my appointments. This was the first time I had ever brought anyone. I stood from my chair, peeling the gloves off my hands before balling them up and stuffing them in my coat pocket.
"I'm going to use the bathroom before this all gets started." I muttered.
Leaving Jared with my mom, waiting for the doctor, was probably not the coolest thing to do but I hated days like this. Where we had to sit down and discuss my latest symptoms and what they meant, whether my cancer had decided to continue it's trek of wreaking havoc on my body or stay put for a moment to let everyone think there was a glimmer of hope. So I took a selfish moment to take a short walk. I watched myself put one foot in front of the other as I walked down the quiet halls. I had this wing of the hospital memorized. There was a loop of hallways that went passed an outside sitting area. It took about 15 minutes to walk at a leisurely pace which meant if I walked like I had somewhere to be I'd make it back just in time probably. I picked up my speed so I could stop and stare at the winter wonderland that had taken over Michigan over the night. There had been snowflakes already but nothing that had stuck. I was excited for my first big snow even if I hated the fact that as soon as the door cracked, the house frosted over and the snot in my nose froze my nostrils shut. In Florida I thought forty was beyond freezing but these days in the teens had me grasping at straws on how people survived Michigan winters. I reached the windows that opened the hospital up to what was once a beautiful green garden. Now it was various shades of neutrals as the snow covered the dead grass, the brown trees, and the cement walkway. The snow though was beautiful even if everything it covered was dead. The way it twinkled in the sunlight, the way it fell in these perfect layers untouched by everything but the wind. It was like a new beginning; this innocent and beautiful white covering all the footsteps from the previous seasons. I moved my gaze closer, staring at my reflection. I barely recognized myself. I was gaunt, my eyes looked big because my skin was sunken around them, my clothes hung off me. I looked like a person that was dying, not like the 16 year old I should be. I knew I had to get worst before I could get better but I didn't look like a person that was on that path. I just kept looking even more frail. I let out a sigh, cocking my head to the side before sighing and heading back to the room. I picked up my pace even though I knew my lungs would start to panic at thought of any real exercise. The faster I walked, the tighter my lungs became and the shallower my breath was but I had to make it back in a reasonable time. When I reached the door I waited a second outside to catch my breath so my mom wouldn't know exactly how bad my breathing had gotten over the past few weeks. I leaned against the wall forcing myself to breath in through my nose. I jerked myself upright as I heard the door to the room click.
"Oh hey, I was just coming to find you." Jared said.
I nodded my head, "I just wasn't ready to come back in yet."
He wrapped his arm around my shoulders, pulling me into his chest. He rested his chin on top of my head. "It's gonna be fine."
I was overly aware that my chest was still rising and falling quicker than normal. Pressed against Jared, I knew he'd be able to feel it.
"Are you out breath?" He asked, pulling back to study me. "From walking to the bathroom and back?"
I shook my head. "I didn't go to the bathroom. I went for a walk and realized I was taking too long and tried to hurry back. It's no big deal."
"It kind of is though. I mean I don't know a lot about this but you can't breath. That's important." He said. I opened my mouth to protest but he cut me off. "Listen I'm not going to say I understand because I know I don't but I just...I feel like you shouldn't keep this a secret. How are the doctors supposed to help if you keep things from them? I won't say anything but I think you need to."
"I'm just not ready." I mumbled, dropping my eyes to the floor as the tears rushed forward.
"For what?" Jared asked quietly.
I looked up at him, tears breaking over the ridge and running down my cheeks. "For this to be real, I mean, it already is real. Look at me." I gestured down at my wilting frame. "I don't want to have to lug around an oxygen tank, or move my bedroom downstairs because I can't handle the stairs, or worry about whether or not there's a place to sit down every 15 steps." I wiped at my tears, looking everywhere but at him. "I just want a normal life but I can't and it sucks and I'm just trying to hold on to some sort of normalcy."
He cupped my face in his hands, wiping my tears with the pads of his thumbs. "You're right. This isn't fair and you deserve to live a normal life. But you really don't know how special you are. And sometimes special people don't get normal lives."
The door clicked open again, my mom stepped out. "Hey is everything okay out here?"
Jared dropped his hands from my face, taking a step back and turning to face her. "Yeah."
I nodded my head, avoiding her questioning eyes. I glanced at Jared, his eyes were wet with tears. He locked eyes with me and blushed before gesturing toward the door for me to walk. I swallowed the lump in my throat and followed my mom back into the room to wait. A few minutes later Dr. Hildebrand walked in. I sat there nodding my head at the appropriate places as he discussed my options and "avenues" we could take. The biopsy and aspiration results came back saying what I already knew. I wasn't really listening, I didn't need a test to tell me the cancer was still spreading. But I wasn't ready to give up what little freedom I had left. My heart pounded in my ears, my throat felt tight. The anxiety coursing through my body was enough to make me burst. If I told the doctor I was experiencing a shortness of breath, he would force the oxygen, some new tests, new drugs. My life would change at a ridiculously fast pace. On the other hand if I waited a little longer to let them know I wasn't achieving an A+ in breathing, I might shorten my already short life.
"So I want to monitor it very closely and if it spreads to any of those areas we are going to have to talk about radiation." Dr. Hildebrand said. "A bone marrow transplant is a lady resort."
"I can't breath." I blurted. "I mean I can now but I can't." I shook my head. My mouth was rattling things off without consulting my brain. "I am having trouble breathing when I have to exert myself."
I could practically feel my mom's eyes burning a whole through me as I stared at my lap. Dr. Hildebrand cleared his throat. He picked his pen up off the table and thumbed through my file.
"Let's get you in here tomorrow before your chemo to get a PET scan and see what's going on." He scribbled something down, playing the never-ending game of Q&A with my mom. He closed my file and stood up reaching across the table. "Let's not worry until we have a better idea. You have oxygen available if you need it correct?"
My mom nodded her head. She always had everything ready for that 'just incase' moment.
I however didn't need a better idea. I had been feeling it for a while. I had felt it from the beginning. Everything was different. My mom and Jared made small talk on the way home. I just stared out the window, playing and replaying different scenarios in my head. Running through the options I knew I had. My mom was pulling in the driveway before I talked.
"Mom, Jared and I are going to hang out at his house. Is that okay?" I knew I should have asked Jared first before I invited myself over but I also knew he wouldn't say no. "Just for a little bit."
She looked at me in the rearview mirror. Her eyes held so much more than the "Okay" she said back. She was worried, stressed, sad. I knew she probably wanted me to stay home so we could talk. But I couldn't, not yet. There was nothing to talk about really until the PET scan happened. Even though I knew otherwise, I could still pretend for a day that my cancer wasn't progressing. That was exactly what I intended to do. I didn't bother to go inside instead I went from my mom's car straight to Jared's. He lingered outside for a moment, talking with my mom before he got in the driver's side. I stared straight ahead while he started the car and backed out.
"Are you okay?" Jared finally asked, glancing at me as he drove.
"Yes" I said.
"Are you sure?"
I swallowed tucking my hands under my legs to keep them warm as his car warmed up. I was not okay in every sense of the word.
"Yes." He nodded his head, making the turns to take us toward his house. "Remember that night when you picked me up and we just drove until you decided to take us to that restaurant?"
"Yeah." He said, a small smile playing at the corners of his mouth.
"I liked that." I said.
"Me too."
"Let's do it again." I looked at him, taking in his profile. "Now."
He nodded his head, pulling a U-turn in the middle of the road. I turned the dial of his radio, it was still set on the country station. I smiled a little, I had forgotten about his love for feel good country songs. He started to tap his fingers on the steering wheel as he drove. I had to admit the choruses were catchy for the most part. We drove in silence for awhile, nothing but the hum of the car and the radio to fill the space around us. I dialed down the radio just enough so I could talk over it.
"I have a question." I said, my eyes still focused straight forward.
"Shoot." Jared answered immediately.
"What exactly happened between you and Skylar?" I turned to study him as I waited for him to respond.
He cleared his throat and nodded his head slightly like he had been waiting for this question. "Things got hard after Matt died." He took a deep breath. "We both had different ways of dealing with it. After I woke up and they told me, it was all so surreal. I just went through the motions, did what everyone told me to. And standing there at the funeral and seeing his mom and his family, even if they did suck. I just ya know I mean I was his best friend but he was her son, and a brother, a grandson, and I just didn't think that I had the right to grieve so I pushed it all down. I acted like nothing happened. I tried to just pretend like it was a dream or a story I heard." He cleared his throat, letting out a sigh. "I had always thought that Matt died instantly, no one ever told me otherwise. They said he was dead at the scene so I just figured that meant it happened instantly."
He pulled the car into the parking lot of the restaurant, leaving it to idle. I waited for him to continue but he didn't.
"So what happened?" I pressed.
He ran his hands over his face, resting his forehead on his steering wheel. "Skylar said he was alive, right after the crash." He let his words linger in the air. "I guess that's why he fell apart. He watched him take his last breath, he heard his last words."
We sat in silence for moment as I tried to picture the three of them in the car. What Skylar must have been thinking seeing Jared passed out but probably thinking he was dead and watching Matt die. Even though I had lost a lot of my friends I met while going through treatment I never physically saw any of them take their last breath.
"It makes sense now, ya know. Why Skylar just fell off the deep end. I don't know how I would have reacted seeing Matt die. Being able to talk to him for a second. All this time I just thought that Skylar was being selfish, like he lost so much more than me or Matt's mom or his family. But now," Jared paused leaning back in his seat. "I'm glad I passed out. I'm glad it wasn't me."
He had his eyes closed his head tilted back against the headrest. I watched his chest rise and fall, rhythmically, constant, reliable. I let my eyes trace the outline of his profile. He opened his eyes turning his head toward me. He smiled that easy smile of his, the conversation we were having wiped away. He grabbed the gear shifter putting the car in reverse.
"Let's not go here. Let's find our own place." He said, pulling out of the parking lot.
"I thought you liked this place though." I asked.
"I do but I want a place that's just you and me. Not you and me and Matt. I don't want to have to share memories of you with him. Not all of them." He said.
I smiled ever so slightly at his words. I wanted to fill up everyone's heart with memories of me. I had to believe that there was something after this. That if I died my soul wouldn't just dissolve. And maybe doing that was creating memories. So that the people I left behind could remember them and share them and I could live on through them.
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LEVI POV
I sat in my car at a Wal-Mart parking lot. My phone was pressed to my ear as I waited for Jennifer to answer. I had been going through the file over and over and over. Reading and rereading every document and I just couldn't wrap my mind around it all. I thought about just dropping it. Putting the folder back into the box in my dad's office closet. But I couldn't. I had to know.
"Levi?" Her voice came through the line after three rings.
"Who is he?" I asked.
I had rehearsed this conversation over and over but now that it was here I just blurted the first question that was rushing through my mind.
"What? Who?" She asked. "Are you okay?"
"Who is he? Eric Summers." I repeated. His name felt foreign and wrong in my mouth.
Jennifer went silent, so quiet for a second I thought she had hung up on me.
She cleared her throat before answering. "I don't know."
"Bull." I snapped, "Tell me."
"Levi..." She started.
"No don't try and give me some stupid excuse. I found everything." I said trying to keep my voice calm even though I was walking a very thin line between being hysterical or saying something horrible.
"You should just leave it alone, pretend like you never saw anything." She said.
I pulled my phone away from my ear. I wanted to throw it but I knew that wouldn't solve anything. I was angry, I was hurt, I was so damn confused. I felt a lump form in my throat. My world was unraveling at an alarming rate.
"You owe me this." I choked out, trying to suppress my emotions. "You owe me this. You left. You didn't want us. You...you...I hate you."
I heard her inhale, holding her breath before letting it out. "We can talk about it when I come visit."
"No!" I shouted into the phone, my voice straining to keep control. "Now, tell me now."
"I don't think this is a conversation we should have. Maybe you should talk to your dad." She said.
I shook my head. "Which one?"
"The only one you have Levi."
"I can't believe you. Why did we have to get stuck with you? What did you do just sleep around and then pick my dad because he's a good guy that way you could abandon us but not have to worry? You're pathetic and I don't want to meet you. The only reason I even contacted you was for Maci. I was completely happy pretending you didn't exist." The words fell out of me. I sounded childish and bitter but I didn't care. "You should cancel your flight."
I didn't wait for her to respond. I just hung up. I chucked my phone into the seat next to me, running my hand through my hair and pulling at the ends. I punched my steering wheel, the pent up anger forcing it's way out. My emotions were haywire. My eyes shot to my phone as it started ringing. I let it sit there for a minute before I wiped the tears that had somehow escaped my eyes. I snatched my phone up and put it to my ear.
"What?" I snapped.
"Levi, honey, are you okay?" My mom's voice came through the phone full of concern.
I closed my eyes, trying to clear my thoughts. "Yeah I am, my phone fell under my seat and I hit my head looking for it. What's up?"
"Your sisters out with Jared. Did you know she's been having trouble breathing?" She asked.
"No." As if I wasn't feeling a whole mountain of emotions but guilt went and settled itself right on top. "She never said anything."
"She's getting a scan done tomorrow to see what's going on." My mom added.
"Why didn't she say anything? How could I have not noticed?" I asked even though I knew the answer. I was too caught up with Jennifer and the folder and finding secrets I wish didn't exist. "What did the biopsy say?"
"It's not your fault Levi, none of us knew." She let out a sigh and I had my answer. The cancer was spreading. "It's still spreading. Your dad will be home for dinner, will you be?" She asked.
I nodded my head, mumbling a yeah. "Is Maci going to be?"
"I don't know. I think she really just needed to clear her head for a little." She said. "I'll see you at home, I love you."
"I love you too."
I hung up my phone, slumping back in my seat. I wanted to call Maci so bad. I wanted to tell her everything, I wanted to know why she didn't say anything. I wanted her here, like she'd always been. But if she needed space like my mom had said I couldn't call her. She was so different, I felt like she was a deer and I a hunter. If I made a wrong move she'd split. I had to slowly approach, study her for a long time before I tried to corner her. I settled for texting Jared. My phone buzzed almost seconds later.
Jared: Yeah she is.
I left it at that, turning my car on and heading home. I took my time, taking the long way home. I wound through streets driving five miles under the speed limit. I had to clear my head, sort my thoughts so I could hide the fact that I found that folder. Forty-five minutes later I pulled into the driveway. I felt so drained, it was sucking the life right out of me. I dragged myself into the house, kicking my shoes off and dropping my coat in a pile on top of them.
"Levi, is that you?" My dad's voice called.
"Yeah." I answered, rounding the corner into kitchen. He was standing there in front of the snack bar, the phone in his hand. He looked different. Not scared, or angry, just different. "What's up?"
"I just got off the phone with Jenny." He said, I glanced around looking for my m but she was nowhere in sight, "Why don't you sit down son."
I swallowed, my throat suddenly dry. I nodded my head, pulling a barstool across the floor. I didn't know what to say so I just sat there waiting for my dad to say anything.
"I don't know where to begin Levi."
I watched my dad, studying his face. He looked older, much older than his 34 years. His face was lined with deep creases and his eyes were tired.
He let out a big sigh like he was finally resigning himself to fate. "I'll tell you whatever you want to know. But before I do, you need to know that it doesn't matter to me if we share the same blood. I love you both regardless. Maybe I should have told both of you but I wanted you to be mine not his. So I buried all of it in a box with the intention that neither of you would ever find it. I have no regrets. Do you understand that?" I nodded my head. "Can I have the folder back?"
I nodded my head, leaving the kitchen to retrieve the folder from my car. When I came back in I set it on the table in front of me. We both just stared at it like if we touched it, we'd burn alive.
"So what do you want to know?" My dad asked.
When I called Jennifer I had a million questions. I wanted to know why she left, why she picked my dad, who Eric Summers was, the list went on. But now sitting there in front of my dad I had nothing. I shook my head, swallowing the lump in my throat that was adamant about being present in my throat.
I opened my mouth to say something, anything but all that came out was a choked sob. I buried my head in my hands, hiding my face as tears started flowing. I felt the warmth of my dad's arms as he wrapped them around me, pulling me into him. I let him, I let him hold me and I clung to his dress shirt like a little kid.