"Most of the time - 99 percent of the time - you just don't know how and why the threads are looped together, and that's okay. Do a good thing and something bad happens. Do a bad thing and something good happens. Do nothing and everything explodes. And very, very rarely - by some miracle of chance and coincidence, butterflies beating their wings just so and all the threads hanging together for a minute - you get the chance to do the right thing." ~ Lauren Oliver
The Daughter
I pushed the door open wearily, taking a deep breath as I did so.
They were all gathered around JJ's desk, chatting animatedly; Morgan and Garcia holding each other flirtatiously as ever.
They were all laughing when I entered the bullpen and JJ turned in her seat as if feeling my presence.
"Melanie!" She called out in shock, leaping to her feet in surprise.
Spencer turned in his own chair behind his own desk, but I ignored him as the team turned to me with massive grins as I approached.
"Hello." I smiled as Garcia squealed and threw her arms around me.
"We weren't expecting you back until next week kiddo." Rossi explained as he hugged me tightly.
"Well, I was going stir crazy. And besides, there's only so many times I can play dress-up with Jack without going insane." I joked and Morgan sniggered, holding me at arm's length.
"You look good." He complimented, nodding his head with an impressed smile.
"Oh come off it," I scoffed. "I do not look good. But thank you for being nice." I smiled bashfully and he shook his head, scoffing as he hugged me.
"So, do we have a case?" I asked after a long pause whilst everyone hugged me.
"You're back to actually work?" Rossi asked in a surprised tone.
"Yes. I'm actually going to work." I laughed.
"Well, your dad's on the phone to Tampa PD right now and then we're off." Prentiss explained, pointing behind her to my dad's office.
"Okay," I sighed, nodding. "I best go break the news that I'm back."
"What?" JJ blurted. "You mean he doesn't know you're coming in today?"
I shook my head.
"It was sort of a last-minute thing," I admitted.
"He'd left before I could talk it out with him."
"Was Beth pleased with you coming in?" Prentiss asked and I sighed, pondering the question.
"Well... She came round when I explained that I'd been practically housebound for almost two months now, and I couldn't live like Rapunzel for forever when there were people out there in need of a Flynn Rider." I waved at myself for example and the team chuckled.
"I could see you with a beard, yeah. You go Eugene Fitzherbert." Garcia joked.
"You should've seen me last week." I joked, rolling my eyes sarcastically and making my way from the group as they laughed.
I walked through the bullpen and up the short stairs to my dad's office, knocking lightly before entering.
He was sat behind his desk, on the phone as Prentiss had explained.
When he saw me his eyes lit up, and then they fell on my suit and he frowned, quickly concluding his call with the Detective in Tampa before hanging up.
"Melanie," He smiled as I closed the door behind me and approached his desk. "What're you doing here? I thought you were going shopping with Beth today?"
He rose from behind his desk and approached me thoughtfully with a small smile, reaching out to rub my arm and place his hand on my shoulder.
"Well I was supposed to," I agreed with a short nod, folding my arms awkwardly. "But I'm going crazy dad, I need to get back to work," I explained defiantly.
"I need to be doing things other than shopping and talking and reading. I'm bored. I have itchy feet, I want to come back." He sighed, searching my eyes and expression expertly.
"Okay," He said eventually with a short and serious nod. "Do you have your go-bag ready?"
"Of course. It's in my car." He smiled and reached forward, hugging me tightly.
"I'm so proud of you Melanie."
He'd told me so every day since I'd been discharged from hospital. He and Rossi had been 'counselling' me on-and-off in-between the workings of an actual psychiatrist. I was on anti-depressants, and I'd been the victim of Beth's endless love and affection and care every day, helping her with work and staying in the house to read whenever she had to travel to the office.
It'd been nice.
For the first few weeks. But now I was crazy. Both stir and literally. I needed to get back to work; to see my friends and my maybe-not-any-more-fiancé?
"I love you dad." I whispered emotionally into his shoulder.
"I love you more," He said in a thick voice, pulling back with a soft hand on my cheek.
"Now let's go to Tampa." He smiled, gesturing to the door.
The Blonde Bomb
It was so good to see Melanie. The only people who had seen her since the miscarriage eight weeks ago were Hotch, Rossi and Spencer. But since her episode whilst we were all in Philadelphia, only Hotch and Rossi had seen her.
I didn't realise how much I'd missed her and how worried I was about her until she'd walked through those doors. She was very thin and pale, but she was Melanie, and she was smiling, and both of those things were wonderful.
We all knew that she'd been staying with Hotch, and she was still wearing her engagement ring despite the fact it was on a necklace around her neck rather than on her thin finger. But she was still wearing it, and according to Rossi, she hadn't taken it off at all.
As Garcia and Morgan left the bullpen with Melanie closely followed by Rossi and Prentiss, I hung back and gauged Spencer's reaction.
His eyes were sad, his mouth and jaw set, his hands shaking as he wrapped his satchel around him slowly; closing the report he'd been working on and setting it aside for later.
"Spencer," I said as I approached. "You okay?" I asked as he looked up at me with questioning eyes. His brow furrowed and he folded his glasses into his pocket.
"Y-yeah I'm fine. W-why wouldn't I be?" He asked nervously. I arched an eyebrow and shrugged, folding my arms.
"Maybe because Melanie's back and you two haven't spoken in almost two months?" He licked his lips and cleared his throat.
"Well I guess now we'll be able to talk to each other won't we?" He asked rhetorically.
"I don't know," I said, reaching out and catching his arm. "Will you?" I asked pointedly.
"What's that supposed to mean?" He asked defensively.
"I just mean that you haven't even tried to contact her, despite knowing what you've both gone through. If you didn't try to talk to her at her worst, why should you try to talk to her at her best?"
He stood blinking at me in silence, clearly processing my words.
"Spencer," I said after a while. "You and Melanie lost a child together," I stated and he groaned, rolling his eyes.
"It wasn't just Melanie, and it wasn't just you. That happened to both of you, but you didn't deal with it together. You need to be there for her now, Spencer, if you still love her."
"And what if I don't?" His words completely took me by surprise and I stood there, taken-aback with my mouth opened.
"That's what I thought." He said simply, brushing past me.
"Spencer!" I called.
"She lost our baby, JJ," He snapped in a low voice, turning on his heel to stare at me. "That's not something I'll ever forget." He turned and stormed out of the bullpen, leaving me completely speechless.
The Daughter
It was hard work, being back with the team, but they made it that bit easier by caring and not expecting too much from me.
My dad kept me close as I knew he would. And if I wasn't with him, then I was with Rossi. I wasn't allowed in the field at any point, mainly due to the fact that I hadn't officially sat a psych eval with Strauss before returning. But, with my dad as unit chief, we could allow for such discrepancies... temporarily, of course.
Spencer hadn't so much as looked at me since I'd come back, and that bore down on me heavier than the weight of everything that had happened in the last two months.
It'd been a nightmare of a year so far, and I didn't want to ever remember what had happened. All I wanted was to move on; forget what had happened and run as fast as I could into the future.
What that quite meant, exactly... I wasn't sure.
The Leader
"Dad," Melanie caught me as we packed up to leave the station three days after first arriving in Tampa. "When we get home, can I talk with you and Beth?"
I frowned in worry and confusion.
"Of course," I said worriedly. "Is everything okay?" I asked in a panicked tone.
"Y-yeah," She stuttered; giving herself away. "I'd just like to run something past you both first." I nodded my head, watching as she swung her satchel over her shoulder and brought her go-bag off the table.
"I'll wait for you in the car." She said, nodding to the Detective who was approaching me to say goodbye.
The whole flight home I worried myself over what Melanie had to talk to both Beth and I about.
If she was moving back to Spencer's apartment then she wouldn't need to talk to both of us so seriously.
And besides, that fact seemed highly unlikely as both Melanie and Spencer had the entire jet between them; they were sat at opposite sides and hadn't so much as glanced in each other's direction this entire case.
Spencer had barely said a sentence and Melanie had spoken with the authority and intelligence that I'd actually expected from Spencer.
It was a back-to-front scenario and everything was bearing down on me in complete confusion.
What was going on?
*
"Beth darling we're home!" I called as Melanie and I entered the house.
"Oh thank God!" She called, running downstairs looking relived. "I've never been so worried over these past few days!" She gushed, throwing her arms around Melanie and then me.
"How was it, sweetheart?" She asked Melanie as I loosened my tie and set my go-bag down at the coat-stand.
"Hard work," Melanie nodded with a sleepy smile. "But good to see everyone again. I'd missed them." I narrowed my eyes slightly at her reply; not entirely convinced.
"Mel has something she'd like to talk to us about." I said with a nod, shrugging out of my suit jacket.
"Oh it can wait," Mel smiled bashfully.
"No," I chuckled, shaking my head. "I've been worrying myself sick since you told me about it. Now's the perfect time while Jack is still at school."
Mel sighed and rubbed her forehead, nodding her head with a small smile, knowing I was right.
"Okay," She decided. "Just let me get changed first and then we'll talk."
She headed upstairs and Beth followed her with sad eyes.
"She's leaving us again isn't she Aaron?" She whispered in a small and sad voice.
"No," I disagreed, not even believing myself.
"She wouldn't. It's too soon for that." I wrapped my arm around her waist and cast my eyes upstairs where Melanie was just disappearing from view.
The Daughter
"Okay," I began, sitting cross-legged on the armchair opposite the sofa where my dad and Beth were sat worriedly blinking at me; their hands linked between them. Absentmindedly I reached up for my necklace before remembering it wasn't there anymore.
"Dad," I cleared my throat. "Remember when I was discharged from hospital, you made me call the Director in New York about that job opportunity?"
Beth glanced at my dad as the pair of them nodded.
"Well, he told me that the job would still be there for me no matter what, that he was disappointed to know I wouldn't be joining him but would accept me in the drop of a hat if I changed my mind." My dad nodded his head, knowing all of this already.
"That's right," He said. "And you told him that if the opportunity had come at any other time you'd certainly consider it more but you were in no state to make such a life-changing decision." I nodded my head and smiled.
"Exactly..." I cleared my throat.
"Well... I called his secretary last night, and she explained to me that the position still hasn't been filled, that the Director's still looking and will keep the position opened until the end of the week before the Unit begins officially at the start of next month..." My dad and Beth exchanged weary glances.
"You called Director Folkner?" He asked and I nodded my head.
"I wanted to know if the position had been filled."
"You want to move to New York?" Beth gasped. "Because that's what you'd need to do if you were going to work as Unit Chief." She said and I sighed.
"I don't want to leave you," I explained. "But I think it's time for me to." I reasoned.
"Why would you say that?!" Beth's voice rose in anger and sadness.
"We love you, it'll never be time for you to leave us, you're our daughter, Melanie. Why would it ever be time for you to leave us?!" Tears ran down my cheeks in response to her words.
You're our daughter, Melanie...
"I can't stay here anymore..." I whispered, looking down at my bony hands. "There are too many memories..." I explained, looking back up at the only parents I'll ever know.
"The team... Spencer... The baby..." My voice broke and I shook my head.
"Every day I wake up telling myself that I'm lucky to be alive. But that doesn't mean I believe it. Instead every night I go to sleep believing that I have nothing to wake up for the next day...
"And I know, I know you're going to tell me that I have you both, and Jack, and the team. But... I can't... I can't live my entire life based on those things, not when I had my own family a couple of months ago... I... I just need to start again."
"And what about Spencer?" Beth choked, my dad simply speechless.
"What about him?" I asked, wiping at my tears.
"You... You... You were perfect together." I nodded my head in agreement of her words.
"You're right... We were... But we've changed too much. He doesn't love me anymore, and I doubt that he ever will again. I lost his baby, how could he ever love me the way he used to?"
"He'll come through it Melanie, he'll heal as you have, he'll see that he's wrong to blame you and he'll realise how much he loves you." I shook my head.
"No," I disagreed. "He'll heal, and he'll be able to think of me without hurting or getting angry or upset. And he'll be able to find another girl, someone who won't hurt him or question him or lose his child. She'll love him unconditionally and endlessly, and she won't put saving lives before his love,"
My voice broke and I lowered my head; my tears pouring over my eyes uncontrollably now, my shoulders shaking. I longed for his arms around me, his breath on my cheek as he told me everything was going to be okay.
"He'll find his Princess one day, but I'm not that Princess." I concluded, looking up at Beth and my dad to see them both crying as they watched me.
"Melanie..." My dad said in a thick voice, his tears pouring. "Please don't leave." He begged.
"Dad," I whispered. "I'm so sorry. But please don't make me stay." He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, nodding his head before opening his eyes again to look at me.
"You be happy," He told me firmly and Beth looked at him in shock; clearly disbelieving he was actually granting me permission to leave.
"And if you are ever unhappy or sad, stop doing whatever you're doing and come home to us, okay?" I nodded my head and we both hurried to our feet; throwing our arms around each other.
"I love you so much Melanie."
"I love you more, dad."
The Hero
"Melanie?" I grinned as I answered my cell.
"Hey Derek, how're you?" She asked in her glorious English accent.
"I'm good kid, how you doin'?"
"I'm great. Actually, I need some advice. You know about properties and stuff right?"
"You know I do girl. What can I do you for?"
"Well, I have some news to tell you all today, and I kind of need your help this weekend... I know I have the nerve to ask this but... Would you mind coming to New York with me this weekend to look at some properties?"
"What?" I chuckled. New York?
"Mel, why you wanting to look at properties in New York?" Suddenly something clicked inside of me and I paused in the lobby of HQ.
"I'll explain everything when I see you all later, I promise."
"You're moving to New York aren't you?" I guessed and she didn't answer.
"I have the opportunity to head the New York office BAU... Director Folkner there is starting up a Unit and wants me as Chief."
"Wow..." I didn't have a clue of what to say; all I knew was that this was a great opportunity and I didn't blame Mel for jumping at it. "That's what all those calls were about a few months ago, right?" I guessed.
"You're good Derek," She laughed. "So what d'you say? Will you help me? I know that you and Savannah have to take all the opportunities you can get to be together, so you can bring her along too if you'd like."
"That's okay Mel, she's away seeing her folks in Atlanta this weekend," I explained. "But of course I'll help you."
"You're the best Derek. See you soon."
As I entered the BAU I spotted Reid sat behind his desk and rage flamed through me.
Did he know she was moving to New York?
I bit my tongue and stormed to the coffee pot, shaking my head angrily.
"Everything okay?" Rossi asked, approaching me with a small smile.
"Fine." I snapped, taking my coffee and heading to my office, away from Reid and everything making me angry.
I was losing one of my best friends because one jerk couldn't accept the fact that he wasn't there to protect his girl when she needed him the most.
And that was sad. Real sad.
The Technical Analyst
"This is ominous, I'm not entirely sure I like this." I admitted as I clicked along the corridor to the conference room with Morgan in tow.
"Relax baby girl, it'll be fine."
"You know what this is about don't you? God, I hate you sometimes you big bar of chocolate." He chuckled and shook his head, but it wasn't sincere.
"Derek where's your bite-back?" I asked offended, halting us both just outside the conference room. He sighed and shook his head.
"I'm sorry momma, I just got a lot on my mind right now." I frowned and flattened his already-flat collar, placing a hand on his cheek.
"We'll talk about it later?" I asked and he nodded his head with a sad little smile. I kissed the air to him and smiled, entering the conference room nervously where everyone bar Reid was standing around nervously.
"Why don't we sit down?" Melanie laughed awkwardly and I realised she was wearing casual clothes instead of her formal work shirts and jeans.
"Why do I have to sit down?" I questioned nervously as Rossi pulled out his chair and sat down alongside JJ and Prentiss.
"Garci..." Mel smiled awkwardly.
"No, no, what news is so bad I have to sit down for? I hate news I have to sit down for, it makes me all nervous and giddy and hiccup-y and I don't like it."
"Baby girl..." Morgan sighed behind me, settling a hand on my shoulder.
I peered behind me and found him smiling at me patiently.
"Why don't you just sit down and listen to what Mel has to say?" He suggested and I pouted but he wasn't budging.
I sighed and nodded my head reluctantly, pulling a chair out next to JJ and sitting down, peering up at Melanie over the top of my glasses, letting her know that I was not happy about backing down.
Or sitting down.
"Okay..." She began, rubbing her palms on her jeans. "I'm unsure of those of you who do or don't know about the offer I was made a couple of months ago..." I blinked around the room.
What offer?
"But basically Director Folkner is opening a BAU in the New York office and has offered me to transfer there as Unit Chief," I gasped along with JJ and Prentiss and realised that Hotch, Rossi and Derek must've already known for they did not act surprised at all.
"After a long time of considering it, I've decided to take the position," More gasping from us women.
"And so I'm here today to tell you all that I'll be leaving, as of a week next Thursday."
"Y-y-you're leaving for good?" I choked sadly and she nodded her head tearfully at me.
"I'm sorry," She apologised in a quiet voice. "But I think it's time for me to move on." She explained.
"Move on?!" I choked in an almost-hysterical voice. "You've been here barely two years!"
"Two years next month." She nodded sadly.
"Exactly! It's not time for you to move on at all Melanie! It's not even close!" She nodded her head and looked down at her hands, sniffing.
"I know," She said in a quiet voice, looking back up at me. "But too much has happened here. I can't live my life so unhappily. I wanted to tell you all... together. And I didn't want to leave it until the day before either."
"What's Strauss said?" JJ demanded and Melanie cleared her throat.
"She's happy for me," She nodded. "But she's disappointed to see me go. She's said that she won't replace me, or look for a replacement of any kind and that the position here will always be here if I change my mind."
"Yes," I choked. "Please, change your mind please." I pleaded, getting to my feet and approaching her slowly. "Please don't leave." I choked, throwing my chubby arms around her tightly.
"Garci... Don't you see that I have to?" She whispered emotionally into my shoulder.
"What? Because of Spencer?" I half-shrieked, pulling back to stare at him by the coffee-pot. "He doesn't know how to feel right now," I explained. "He doesn't even know how live right now, Melanie. But he'll come round and he'll realise how stupid he's been and he'll want you to stay, too." She shook her head sadly.
"No... He won't." She cleared away her blushing wet cheeks and I frowned sadly, my own tears dripping off my chin as my eyes fell to her neck and I realised she wasn't wearing her engagement ring anymore.
A sob racked through my chest and I shook my head angrily.
"I'm sorry," I said, covering my mouth. "I just can't." I fled from the room, shoving past Spencer angrily and hurrying out of the bullpen.
I was losing my best friend because her ex-fiancé couldn't handle the fact he wasn't there to protect her when she needed him the most.
The Daughter
I left the bullpen for the last time, a box in my arms filled with all of my belongings from my desk; my go-bag over my arm from where it used to stay beneath the desk.
It was emotional leaving Quantico for the final time, but I knew in my heart it was the right thing to do.
I'd worked for years to get to where I was, and to be walking away just as easily without the slightest of hesitance was heartbreaking. But it was either that or it destroyed me. And I wasn't going to let that happen.
Virginia had destroyed me enough already without wallowing in the pain it provided.
I had to get out, and I knew that this was the right thing to do.
The Doctor
When I got home after that case where everyone was oddly distracted and emotional; all of the lights were out and the apartment was cold. I shivered as I closed and locked the front door behind me, flicking on the bedroom light as I entered.
The first thing that met my eyes was a note in the centre of the bed folded over with my name across the front; something shining next to it.
Frowning in confusion I dumped my satchel by the door and crossed the room to the bed; my heart pounding with each step.
I picked up the engagement ring and winced, remembering the last time I'd seen it on Melanie's slender finger and realising the key to the apartment that I'd given her almost a year ago was laying on the bed too.
I worriedly remembered the note and picked it up into my shaking hands with a feeling of overwhelming dread.
I knew that whatever was in this note was bad. Really bad. But I'm pretty sure that nothing could've prepared me for the lengths of sadness on the pages in front of me.
"Dear Spencer,
I never thought in a million years that I'd be writing a letter such as this one. But here goes:
God, I love you. So fucking much it hurts. And yeah, that's a cliche, and whatever, you can shoot me if you want to, but it's so goddamn true, Spence. I love you so much that it hurts to think of when we were together, happy, both of us.
Not even engaged, or pregnant, or living together. But just being happy with each other. Spending time in the car on a case, or having a bad coffee at a wannabe-hipster coffee-shop.
We were so so happy before I fell pregnant and before we got engaged. What went wrong?
Were we moving too fast? Were we 'too happy'?
All I know is that I'd give anything to go back to those days. The days where you'd whistle in the kitchen making coffee and I'd sit on the sofa and watch and we'd talk for hours about crappy books and I'd plait your hair and you'd play with my hands and we'd just... lie there.
I know that in the time it took me to shakily write 'Dear Spencer' and think of what the Hell I was gonna write next, you'd already read this whole thing over. And I know that you're not gonna be able to forget what's written here.
Which is why I'm not yelling at you or giving you abuse or telling you that I'm pissed at you (even though like 5% of me is super pissed at you). And I'm doing this because I love you. I don't want you quoting any crappy things I write down on here back at me when you do eventually decide to even look at me again...
And I don't know if I'll live to see that day, but I hope I do.
I'm sorry. I think that's the main purpose of this letter. I am so fucking sorry Spencer. I will never, so long as I live forget the look on your face and the words you said when you found out I was pregnant.
I don't need an eidetic memory to remember such beauty as that.
That's what I'll think of, and that's how I'll remember us. You told me that I was giving you everything you'd ever wanted - a family. You told me that you'd always wanted to be a dad and that you'd waited such a long time to be one. And I was so so excited to be doing that, to be giving you the one thing you'd always wanted; doing the one thing that would make you eternally happy.
And I ruined that. I took that away. I messed it up.
But I'm not the one who killed our baby. And I think that's the thing you need to remember. I was trying to save a child; one that could have been ours, Spence. And by protecting that child and by making sure that child survived and was allowed to go back home to his mum and dad and just be held again... I subsequently put myself at risk. Something, which cost us the life of our own baby. I am sorry Spencer. So sorry.
But I don't know how to change what I've done or how to make it better, at least, seeing as I know it's too late to change anything. You won't talk to me or even look at me, so having another baby with you seems completely impossible. You need time? It's been almost two months since you last touched me.
But something occurred to me when I was lying on that hospital bed having doctors check my wrist scars to make sure I hadn't tried to kill myself (again) while their backs were turned:
Maybe, you don't love me as much as you (or I) thought. Maybe, you only thought you loved me because I was pregnant with your child.
We all become victims of habit, and I think you fell habit to me, Spencer.
But I have never, nor will I ever fall habit to you. And that's okay. The love I will forever have for you is sincere, pure and honest. And nothing you can ever say or do will change that.
I only wish I could say or do something to change the way you feel about me.
Make sure that whatever you do next in life, that you are happy because happiness is the one thing you should be guaranteed in life.
Now is probably the only time I'll ever get to tell you that I'm leaving. I'm moving to New York to lead the New York BAU.
Maybe, one day, we'll be brought back together again, and maybe when that day comes, you won't hate me as much as you do now.
I am eternally sorry, Spencer.
Forever yours,
Melanie x
P.S. You'll find your real Princess who won't want to save other people's lives more than her own, who'll treat you like a King and who'll carry your child. She'll also wear this ring five million times better than I ever will.
Be happy my love."