There are a great many mysteries in the Dauntless complex. For a faction that prides itself on bravery, courage, not hiding behind doors when you can fight in broad daylight, there are far more secrets than the faction leaders care to let on. Whispers surround everyone, everything, and they'll never go away.
You can guess what people are hiding here, behind black-suited lies and defenses as sharp as knives, but you'll never know for certain. For one thing, no one in this entire faction has managed to piece together the fact that you and Four are dating, despite the fact that this relationship has been going on for months.
It started off as a secret, and you haven't been able to drag it out into the light ever since. When you and Four met, he was two years out of his own initiation, just starting to get a grasp for how to be a training leader for the new crop of Dauntless. You had just dashed your blood into the vessel for the bravest faction, had just thrown yourself off of the roofline to land in Dauntless once and for all.
You should have known then that Four was too great a secret for you to keep. He had looked at you like you were something worth keeping around, and you liked how it felt a little too much. When the two of you started seeking each other out, either for silent glances in training or longer conversations after hours, there was no way it would have gone anywhere else.
Soon enough, Four was calling your name like a blessing, some guarantee of safety in the midst of all this mayhem. You knew you loved him when you won your fights and saw him watching you approvingly, when you could go through your fear landscape fastest because the one thing that scared you most was thinking that what you had with Four wasn't real, and you already had to face that every day.
You graduated top of your initiation class soon enough, with both a new title and a hand holding yours. Four confessed how he felt two nights before initiation ended, praying that somewhere in all this darkness you'd be able to be his light. He didn't like being so alone, he said. You made him think that there was a world outside of hurt and challenge.
The only problem was how it all looked. You couldn't be happier with Four, and you know he feels the same way, but the facts of the matter line up differently to everyone else. If the other Dauntless knew that you and Four were seeing each other, they'd start asking questions about just when all this started, if it had any impact on your rankings. Corruption festers deep in Dauntless, but people still like to pretend otherwise. They'd jump on this in a second if it meant switching the blame away from themselves.
So, you keep it a secret. You're allowed to be Four's friend, of course, and train with him like the rest, but the moment your gaze lingers on him with the sort of softness that doesn't belong in Dauntless' cold atmosphere, people start wondering. You're certain that a few people suspect, but most of them just joke about it. Wouldn't that be something, the boy with hardly any fears and the girl who could make you think that she had none at all? If only they knew that their rumors were actually true.
The only problem with keeping this secret is that it isn't quite enough. Part of loving someone is belonging to them, being able to seek their shelter in the midst of any storm. You can talk to Four, sure, and treasure his kisses when no one else is looking, but you still want something more.
You can't help but envy the other Dauntless couples you see around the faction, the ones that get to walk with their arms slung low over the hips of their partners. These lucky ones pull their significant others close without a second thought, paying no attention to how it all looks. Or maybe they care too much, and every gesture is strictly orchestrated to give off the illusion that they've got it all. At any rate, you'd love to have that choice, to have or to hold. Anything more than the nothingness that threatens to swallow you whole.
You've brought this up with Four a couple of times now, but he knows just as well as you do that there's nothing you can do about it. You're only a few months out of initiation, working in your first choice of a job and still benefiting from your high rankings. People would suspect foul play if they knew you were dating, so it stays a secret. It has to stay a secret, as neither of you want the sudden attention that only comes with sordid rumors.
Yet, in the cold stillness of his room after hours, you can't deny that it doesn't feel like enough. You joined Dauntless because you were sick of being in the shadows. You wanted to make a name for yourself, be the kind of person that had people in awe of your slightest movements. You certainly didn't sign up for this faction to skulk about in the darkness, exchanging clandestine kisses as if your love was something that wasn't good enough to be seen.
As time goes on, it only gets worse. This should be perfectly fine- you have the boy you love, you have your faction, you have your job, yet it all feels like a slim shadow of what you should be experiencing. To live is not to hide, nor to lie, but to take risks on everything. That's what the Dauntless believe, at any rate, that no risk is worth taking if you won't devote yourself to it utterly, and as a Dauntless, you believe it too. Not going in blind to the dangers feels like a betrayal.
Still, there's nothing you can do. Four tries his hardest to keep you happy, though. Today, for instance, he's called you in to help with initiation, something about how he'd love to have an extra fighter on hand to deal with the useless masses. Some of these trainees scarcely know their proper forms, yet they're still mouthy enough that you'd think they've been fighting all their lives. He wants you there to help keep the order.
You're not about to pass up the chance to see your boyfriend outside of your apartment, so you take up his offer with a smile. Besides, Four becomes a different sort of person when he has to be intimidating. His back straightens, his eyes grow cold. In all honesty, it's pretty hot, and you like seeing it. We all have our quirks.
Four strides briskly into the training room, you at his side. The initiates look surprised to see you, likely because they've grown used to having only Four and Eric watch them train. Their surprise is good; changes in routines will show who's really good and who's just coasting along with the norms.
Four reaches the front of the room, addressing the young Dauntless in a brisk tone you remember from your own training.
"Alright, initiates. Today, as you may have noticed, we will be joined by a special guest. This is Y/N, who's going to be helping with combat training. She finished first out of her initiation last year, so if I were you, I'd pay attention. Might help some of you from ending up on the bottom of the rankings."
You nod at Four. "First thing we've got planned today are some rounds of fights. Find a partner and get to the rings. If you want to get better, you need to put in the practice."
You hear some muted grumbling from the back of the room and raise an eyebrow at Four. Sure, it's early in the morning, but initiation has always been about hard work, no matter the time.
"I'm sorry, did I stutter? Get to work, or we're going to stay here through the lunch break."
Four chuckles to himself as the initiates quickly scatter to the nearest fighting rings. "I think this is one of the best ideas I've ever had. I haven't seen these guys move so fast in weeks."
You smirk. "Maybe you're not being intimidating."
Four arches a brow. "Is that so? I seem to remember from your training that you found me plenty intimidating."
You just grin. "That's different. I liked the intimidating part of you."
You glance back towards the rest of the training room, pleased to see that the initiates have started their fights as promised. One thing that does catch your attention is a surly looking boy, the tallest and biggest around by far, who's practically dragging a smaller boy to the ring. Evidently he's in this for an easy fight, and once he wins in a matter of seconds, he'll sit around and watch everyone struggle.
You gesture at the boy with your chin. "Have you had problems with that guy before?"
Four groans. "Shawn? He's a nightmare. Thinks he's the best thing to happen to this faction since the invention of the gun. I can't stand him."
You nod, unable to hide a cold smile. "I think he needs a bit more of a test."
Four looks back at you, intrigued. "I like where this is going. Don't worry about beating him up too badly, the medical wing has open beds."
You laugh. "Perfect."
You walk briskly down the training room towards Shawn's ring, holding up a hand to stop the fight before it starts. "You know what, initiate, I think you need a better challenge."
Shawn squints down at you. "What?"
You roll your eyes. "Stop punching below your weight. I'm going to fight you instead."
Shawn looks irritated at this, but the smaller boy ducks away happily before you can change your mind. You jump up into the fighting ring easily, taking a stance opposite Shawn.
He looks nervous, but tries to shrug it off. "Whatever. I'm great at fighting, you should be careful."
You raise an eyebrow. "I'm sure I'll try."
Shawn lunges forward, a beginner's mistake. You dodge his attack easily, throwing him to the ground in one swift movement. Shawn, angry now, picks himself up and keeps going. At least he's vaguely resilient. Still, he isn't resilient enough a few rounds later, when his nose is dripping blood and he's been thoroughly humiliated in front of the rest of the initiates. Four couldn't look happier.
You nod once at Shawn before leaving him. "The next time you try and slack off by picking someone you know you can beat, I won't go so easy on you."
You're used to Shawn's type of boy: mean, cruel, finds great joy in causing other people discomfort. You assumed that he would avoid you for the rest of the class, especially since you just thoroughly kicked his ass in front of everybody, yet he seeks you out during the water break.
Shawn leers at you through a bruise already forming under his left eye. "You know, you weren't bad out there."
You give him a look. "I should hope not."
Shawn seems unwilling or perhaps unable to read the room, and keeps going. "I wouldn't mind some more help, you know. Maybe we could do some, uh, private lessons."
The stress on the last few words makes it obvious that Shawn isn't just interested in how to form a punch. Plus, he moves closer as he says it, letting his hand rest on your arm. Your eyes narrow, but before you can shove him off of you, someone steps in. It's Four, looking angrier than you've ever seen him.
Four's voice comes in a low hiss. "You can stop touching my girl now."
You and Shawn turn to look at Four, both of your eyes equally wide. Shawn looks terrified of what is about to happen to him, and you're stunned that Four would refer to you as his girl, thus cementing the belief that you're together.
Shawn backs away slowly. "I didn't mean anything by it, I swear."
Four's face is cold. "I bet you didn't. I won't mean anything by it when I send you to the medical wing right now. How do you think it would feel if I broke every single bone in your hand? I kind of want to find out."
Shawn's face is pale, mouth practically hanging open in fear. "We don't have to find out, I promise. I'm going."
Four watches Shawn run away, arms folded across his chest. You walk up to him, standing side by side.
"Your girl. I like the sound of that."
The corners of Four's mouth just start to turn up in a smile, although he's too angry for the expression to fully form. "He shouldn't have touched you. He's nowhere near your level."
You laugh quietly. "I don't think he'll be trying it anytime soon. He looks like he just saw death itself."
Four smirks. "He might have, if he does it again."
He glances back at you now. "And I'd tell the entire faction we were dating if I had to. I'm not ashamed of you, or scared of people knowing. Not in the slightest. I want you to be happy, no matter what."
You smile for real now. "I am happy, Four. As long as I have you."