My tears flowed as I looked at the small unpainted bungalow house in front of me. It took me a lot of courage and time before finally going back.
Hindi ko kaya dati dahil panay masasamang alaala at sakit ang alam kong madadala ko, but now, standing here...all I could remember were those happy days I had with my mom, lola, and Shin.
Hindi ko mapigilan ang sarili kong maiyak habang pinagmamasdan ang bahay naming halos hindi na makita dahil sa kapal ng mga damo at halamang nakapaligid.
"This would take us days to clean," Shin checked while checking the vicinity.
"Kaya mo na 'yan, isipin mo nalang na workout, para lumaki katawan mo." Erika said and laughed.
Lumingon naman sila sa akin ang nginitian ako.
"Sisirain na namin ang pinto, g ba Nisha?"
Tumango ako at lumapit na sa kanila.
We spent the whole day cleaning at no'ng gabi na ay pumasok ako sa dating kwarto ko, I still hasn't cleaned it dahil inuna namin ang labas kung kaya't marami pang alikabok. But I still went inside...because there's something pulling me inside.
My eyes roamed around and I immediately saw old picture frames and decorations on the wall.
My tears flowed again when I remembered mom, because she's the one who put and arranged those things inside my room and ever since she died, I've never attempted to reshuffle them...and they served as my comfort before we ran away.
Nilapitan ko ang isa at tinitigan.
It was a picture of me and my mom, nakayakap siya sa likod ko habang ako naman ay may hawak na lollipop at naka peace sign. I was five years old back then, and it was during my birthday.
Hinawakan ko 'yon at pinalis ang mga luha ko.
I think it's time.
We went to the cemetery where mom's remains were buried kinaumagahan ng tanghali. It was my first time to visit after almost a decade.
Shin, Erika, and I prayed first before they left me...giving me privacy.
Right after they left, my tears started flowing while smiling.
"I'm back, mom. Sorry for being away for too long."
Marami akong gustong ikwento pero pinili kong sabihin nalang ang mga magagandang pangyayari at alaala na naipon sa mga nagdaang taon. Dahil kung may natutunan man ako sa mga taong nagdaan, 'yon ay ang piliing manatili ang mga masasayang alaala kaysa sa mga masasama.
I shouldn't live in the darkness of the past, I should move forward to the bright future. That's what he taught me.
Ngumiti ako ng maalala siya, it would've been better if he's here.
Bumaling ako sa lapida at nagpasyang magsimula na.
"Graduate na po ako, Ma. Isa na rin po ako international flight attendant sa isang kilalang airline company. Natupad ko na po ang pangarap ko."
I smiled thinking of the young me professing my dream in front of her, habang siya ay nakangiti at ipinapahayag ang pagsuporta sa akin at sa pangarap ko.
"Thank you for always believing in me, mom. Your words gave me courage and strength when I was consumed by the darkness. They helped me achieve my dreams and rebuild myself. I am not who I am today if it's not because of you."
I smiled and looked up, hoping that she would see me.
"I am okay now, mom. I don't feel alone anymore. I have friends, hindi man gano'n karami ay alam kong totoo sila sa akin. Shin's okay already, too. Mag-aasawa na rin nga yata," I chuckled.
"I already got justice for what my wicked father did to me, mom. I finally did it a year ago. He's in prison now...to atone for his sins, hindi lang sa nagawa niya sa akin kundi pati sa ibang tao."
I pressed my lips together to stop myself from crying when I remembered what happened last year.
4 years ago, I spoke about everything he did to me and Shin...the violence, the sexual abuse, everything. It wasn't easy, in fact, we suffered multiple anxiety attacks while trying to recall and speak about everything we've been through.
But that didn't stop here...Karlito still got away because of lack of evidence.
Yes, he still slipped away despite all our hard work and tears.
But a year ago, he was arrested because of murder, human trafficking, and drug trafficking...which turned out that he's a member of a syndicate. The same syndicate who's behind the death of a wealthy businessman, the one who's disguised as car crash, and the attempted murder case of the latter's friend, who's also a businessman. We also reopened the case, kung kaya't patong na patong na ang nakasampa sa kanya.
Now, there's no chance for him anymore to go near us and hurt us.
"Hindi na niya kami masasaktan pa. Hindi na siya makakalapit pa sa amin. So you don't need to worry about us, mom."
Hinawakan ko ang kanyang lapida at hinaplos 'yon ng dahan-dahan.
"I will always visit you from now on, mom. Hindi na po ako mawawala ng matagal."
I smiled and wiped my tears.
"Sorry for being a burden, mom. You can now finally rest in peace."
I was about to get up when a hand tapped my shoulders.
"Sorry I'm late, love. Late na natapos ang exams."
Tumayo ako at hinalikan siya sa labi bago hinawakan sa kamay at iniharap sa lapida.
"And this, mom..." I looked at Priam's eyes and smiled, kanina ko pa siya gustong banggitin kaso naisip ko, mas okay kung nandito siya.
"I want you to meet my boyfriend...Priam Mendez."
Priam smiled and kissed my forehead.
"Good noon, Ma'am. Ako po si Priam." Magalang niyang sabi at lumuhod.
He didn't speak after that, sa halip ay nakatitig lang sa lapida, tila tahimik na kinakausap ito.
I rolled my eyes. I really want to know what's on his mind, pero mamaya nalang. Malalaman ko rin naman kasi sinasagot naman niya ako kapag nagtatanong.
"Salamat po, mahal na mahal ko po siya." He said, like mom said something to him.
Tsk. Weird talaga niya minsan, but then...his words never failed to make me feel precious and loved. At hanggang ngayon hindi pa rin ako sigurado kung nararamdaman din ba niya na mahal na mahal ko siya. I want him to feel so loved, too.
We went back to Manila after that dahil may flight pa ako kinabukasan habang siya ay may pasok pa sa school. Yes, my man decided to pursue his dream. He's currently in his last year in law school, and I'm so proud of him.
Takipsilim na no'ng dumating kami sa condo niya at dahil antok na antok siya ay hinayaan ko muna siyang magpahinga. Inayos ko ang buhok niya habang nakasandal siya akin. Halatang pagod na pagod sa dami ba naman ng readings nila at kung anu-ano pa, tapos bumiyahe pa siya kaninang umaga.
"I love you," I repeatedly whispered to him, bago ako tumayo at lumabas para kitain ang isang kaibigan na matagal ko ng hindi nakita.
We decided to meet near FEU dahil malapit raw doon ang condo na tinutuluyan niya. I rolled my eyes when I saw him waiting on a table.
Yabang pa rin talaga ng awra kahit nakaupo lang. Ngumisi siya nang makita ako at agad na tumayo.
"Long time no see, tumangkad ka yata." Nakangisi niyang sabi at sinamaan ko siya ng tingin.
"Long time no see, mayabang at gago ka pa rin." Ganti ko bago umupo sa upuang nasa tapat niya.
He laughed and also did the same.
Napangisi ako at pinagmasdan si Alas na nasa harapan ko. Still blonde and tall, wala namang masyadong nagbago bukod sa mukhang mas mature na siya ngayon. He went to US three years ago para doon na magtrabaho, but I know na may mas mahalaga pang rason kung kaya't ginawa niya 'yon and I guess it has something to do with his family.
"Nasaan ang boyfriend mo? Hinahayaan ka na pala ngayong maglakad ng mag-isa ah. Loko 'yon. Agawin kaya kita?" He laughed after that at ako naman ay hindi ko mahanap kung saan doon ang nakakatawa.
"Bakit naisipan mong umuwi?"
He smirked. "Ikakasal na ang pinsan ko, 'yong rakistang tinutukoy ko dati."
Tumango-tango naman ako. Medyo may mga alam ako sa kanya dahil pagkatapos ng nangyari noon ay naging magkaibigan kami pati si Priam, bago siya pumunta ng US.
I couldn't help but cringe every time I recall what we had back then, but we're both cool with that. It's nothing serious, afterall. Sabi naman niya hindi naman niya ako type.
Alas and I did some catching up, he told me what happened when he arrived at US, ipinaglandakan niya rin na single pa siya at retuhan ko raw siya, nabanggit niya rin na lilipad na siya papuntang Palawan bukas at kung anu-ano pa. He talked nonstop at ako rin naman yata dahil matagal na ngang hindi kami nakakapag-usap kahit video call dahil pare pareho kaming busy sa kanya-kanyang buhay.
Pagkatapos ng mahigit isang oras ay nagpasya na akong umuwi, ipagluluto ko pa kasi si Priam.
"Swerte ng gago! Pahingi rin ako! Alam ko ang sarap ng adobo mo."
I rolled my eyes. Him and his words, aakalain mo talaga minsan na double meaning.
"May sasakyan ka bang dala? Kung wala, hatid na kita." Aniya.
"May dala ako."
Agad naman siyang ngumisi nang marinig 'yon. "Asensado ah. Ingat sa flight bukas tapos pagkauwi mo libre mo ko! Mga isang daang kwek-kwek, pwede na!"
"Ulol, makapagsabi akala mo walang pera, ikaw nga d'yan ang asensado."
We were bickering outside the cafe when a woman suddenly bumped on him...pero nagmamadali yata ang babae kung kaya't pagkatapos magsorry at nagpatuloy na agad sa paglalakad.
"Aray ko! Ang payat pero ang lakas mambangga!"
Natawa naman ako sa reklamo niya, halata kasing nag-iinarte lang. Nanlaki naman ang mata niya nang may makita sa paanan niya.
"Uy, sa babae yata 'yan." I said as he picked up the vintage-looking notebook.
Agad na sinundan ng tingin ni Alas ang babae.
"Fuck, I'll go now, sundan ko lang. Ingat sa pag-uwi!" Aniya saka tumakbo na palayo.
I waved him goodbye at napangisi naman ako no'ng may napagtanto. Jowang-jowa na yata talaga 'yon.
But I'm happy for him. Sana nga ay matagpuan na niya ang nakatakda para sa kanya.
Pagkauwi ko ng condo ay tulog pa rin si Priam. Hindi ko na muna siya ginising at sa halip ay nagluto nalang muna ng makakain niya pagkagising, matagal ko na rin kasi siyang hindi naipagluluto dahil sa busy kong schedule.
Tumabi ako sa kanya pagkatapos ko'ng ilipat sa lalagyan ang niluto ko. I watched him as he slept peacefully, parang baby.
"I love you," I whispered to him again and gently kissed his hair.
I sighed. Hindi ko alam kung sapat ba ang mga salitang 'yon, kasi sa totoo lang, hindi ko alam kung may sapat bang salita para magamit ko sa pagsabi ng nararamdaman ko sa kanya.
I was so in denial back then...I couldn't admit the fact that he's my ideal man way back in senior high school. But now, damn...my feelings for him were overflowing.
Back then, I thought that his life was perfect. I thought everything was easy for him dahil lagi siyang nakangiti, mayaman ang pamilya nila, matalino siya, maganda ang reputasyon, at maraming kaibigan. But when I get to know him ay doon ko napagtanto na mali talaga ako...na hindi tama na husgahan ang isang tao base sa panlabas na kaanyuan at sa paraan ng pamumuhay.
Because that might just be a...mask.
Priam's heart was broken, too. But he's also good at making himself appear okay all the time...like nothing's bothering him at all.
Pareho kami sa puntong 'yon. Maybe that's also why we find comfort with each other.
I leaned closer and caressed his face. His eyes opened and he smiled.
"I love you, too."
Tsk. Gising na pala.
"Your dad called while you're sleeping." I pointed his phone from the side table.
"Oh, he did? Bakit daw?" tanong niya habang kinukusot ang mata niya. Cute.
"Dinner daw bukas."
He sighed and sat. "Hindi ka makakasama kaya hindi ako pupunta."
"Okay lang naman. Sige na, pagbigyan mo na ang daddy mo."
I watched as his expression turned sour. His father and him reconciled two years ago, Priam kept on repeating that he wouldn't ever understand his father, but he eventually forgave him. Hindi man bumalik sa dati, at least they're casual now.
"Pupunta naman si Phia, hindi ka na magiging awkward doon."
He groaned as he tried to loosen his tie. Ngumisi ako't lumapit sa kanya para tulungan siyang tanggalin 'yon.
"Okay, love. You won."
Ngumiti ako at hinalikan siya. Agad naman siyang tumugon at hinawakan ang batok ko para laliman ang halik. His tongue found its way inside my mouth and played with me. Halos maubusan na ako ng hininga no'ng huminto siya.
I stared at him as I again felt my wild heartbeat. He then smiled and crouched for another long kiss.
Making out is not new to us anymore...but he's always so gentle...and we've never gone there...
Hindi rin naman siya nag-iinsist. He's so patient that he wants me to heal first before I give myself to him.
My man is like that. He always respects me...and he never forced me.
I smiled through our kisses and pulled him closer to me. Pinadausdos ko ang kamay ko sa butones ng button down shirt niya at isa-isa 'yong kinalas, which revealed his lean body.
He groaned as I held his chest, bumaba ang maiingat niyang halik niya sa leeg ko kung kaya't napatingala ako dahil sa kiliting dulot nun sa akin.
Tumigil siya at muli akong tiningnan sa mata. Ngumiti ako at inabot ang labi niya at hinalikan ng marahan...na nahaluan na ng pananabik makalipas ang ilang segundo.
I heard him curse under his breath and I just chuckled. My man's trying to control himself again.
Bumaba ang kamay ko sa slacks niya at agad kong naramdaman ang umbok niya. Damn, he's also turned on like me.
I looked at him with my drunk sleep eyes before taking his shirt off of him, now leaving him topless. Hinaplos ko ang katawan niya at marahang pinatakan ng halik ang leeg at dibdib niya.
"Fuck," he cursed which just intensified what I am feeling.
Napatingin ako sa sariling damit at unti-unting kinalas ang butones ng suot kong cropped top.
Hindi pa yata nakakalipas ang limang segundo ay naramdaman ko na ang kamay niyang pinipigilan ako sa gagawin.
"Nisha...no."
I sighed and held his hand. I know he's worried and he respects me so much...but I want to do it now already.
Ngumiti ako at pinisil ang kamay niya. "Handa na ako."
He furrowed his brows and took a deep breath. "Are you sure?"
Pinatakan ko siya ng isang marahang halik bago sinagot. "Siguradong-sigurado."
He sighed and kissed me hard on my lips.
"Mahal na mahal kita, Nisha." He whispered in between our kisses.
Hinubad ko ang cropped top ko and I was left with my brassiere. Priam's kisses went down my neck and I craned it to give him further access.
I moaned when I felt his hand caressing my mounds against the thin piece of clothing I am wearing.
Napapikit ako nang maramdaman ang labi niya sa dibdib ko.
Damn, it wasn't the first time someone kissed me there but now, it felt so different, it's like electricity is running through my body. I feel so excited.
"Priam." Daing ko nang maramdamang nahubad na niya ang bra ko.
"You okay? Itigil ko ba?" He worriedly asked at agad naman akong umiling.
Napaliyad ako nang maramdaman ang mainit niyang bibig sa tuktok ng dibdib ko. He gently sucked it and fuck...just fuck!
He repeatedly did that while massaging my other breast. I bit my lower lip as I closed my eyes because of the overwhelming feeling.
Bumaba ang halik niya hanggang sa butones ng pantalon. He then looked at me like he's asking for my permission, tumango ako at ngumiti sa kanya.
"Go on, own me! I'm yours, Priam."
Napatigil siya at tuminging muli sa mga mata ko.
"Ako rin, sayong-sayo lang."
He gently removed my pants after that. I felt him teasing me against my remaining piece of clothing at napapikit ako nang marealize na basang-basa na 'yon.
"Priam." I moaned his name when I felt him remove my underwear in a gentle manner.
Fuck, kahit pala sa kama, ang ingat-ingat pa rin niya. Damn, my man. When will you stop making me fall so hard?!
I moaned loudly when I felt his finger on my soaking entrance. He teased my clit at pagkatapos no'n ay isang daliri ang naramdaman ko. Napaigtad ako dahil sa sensasyon dala nun.
I watched him as he labeled his hand on my entrance. May ideya ako sa gusto niyang gawin but damn...
He smiled at me and raised a brow. "May I, love?"
"Go ahead," I weakly said at agad naman akong napamura nang maramdaman ang labi at dila niya roon.
I moaned so loud every time he flicked his tongue inside of me. I gripped the bed sheets so tight at pakiramdam ko ay nahuhubaran ko na ang kama sa ginagawa ko.
I was still in daze when I saw him in front of me, fully naked. Nahugot ko ang aking hininga nang makita ang kahabaan niya. It was my first time seeing his thing and damn, he's so huge.
He pushed my legs apart and positioned himself in front of me. Habang ginagawa niya 'yon ay bigla ko namang naalala...na unang beses niya pala 'to. I am no virgin but this whole thing feels so different and exciting...like it's my real first time.
"Nisha, are you sure about this?" he worriedly asked.
I tearfully smiled at him. "I want to do it with you now."
I couldn't give him my virginity, pero ang pagmamahal ko at ang buhay ko...buong-buo ko iyong ibibigay sa kanya.
My tears fell as he finally entered me. It's not because I was hurt...it's because I'm happy.
Honestly, I didn't know that it would be this blissful doing it with him. But now, as I watch him move over me, filling me with his thing...I felt something stirred inside of me...it felt so different from all the men I've done this thing with.
"Mahal na mahal kita," he repeatedly said that.
Inabot ko ang mukha niya at masuyo siyang hinalikan habang patuloy siyang gumagalaw.
Mahal na mahal ko rin siya, sobra pa sa sobra.
I closed my eyes as I felt the pleasure building up at makalipas ang ilang segundo ay nanghihina siyang bumagsak sa taas ko. He kissed me on my forehead and smiled.
"Pakakasalan kita."
Ngumiti ako pabalik at hinalikan siya sa labi. "Pakakasalan din kita."
We hugged each other as we watched the city lights from the balcony of his condo. The cold November touched my skin at dahil doon ay mas lalo niyang hinigpitan ang kanyang yakap.
We just finished making love at nagdesisyon munang magkwentuhan sa labas habang tinatanaw ang mga ilaw sa ibaba.
He's just wearing boxers while I'm wrapped with the comforter.
He smiled and fixed my hair.
"Phia told me that you had a picture with me back in senior high school. Stalker ba kita no'n?"
Nanlaki naman ang mata niya sa tanong ko.
"W-What? I mean...yes but...hindi ako...hindi ako ang kumuha."
I want to laugh because of his reaction pero gusto ko muna siyang pagtripan.
"And you showed it to your mom and dad? Wow."
Halata na ang takot sa mukha niya pagkatapos kong sabihin 'yon kung kaya't hindi ko na napigilan ang sarili at natawa nalang...at nakitawa rin siya.
"So your mom knew about me?" I asked.
His expression softened. "Yes, and she likes you."
Napatigil naman ako. She likes me?
He smiled at parang nabasa na naman niya ang ekspresyon ko.
"Yeah, she likes you. Lagi kitang kinukwento sa kanya at lagi ka rin niyang tinatanong sa akin. She always reminded me to respect you. And actually...during the three Christmas seasons before she died, she bought gifts for you. Pero hindi ko magawang ibigay sayo...kasi wala akong lakas ng loob."
His eyes glistened and I felt that mine did the same. I couldn't believe what he just said but I know...he's not making up a story.
"You have a good mom." komento.
I sighed. Pareho kami at pareho rin silang namaalam ng maaga.
"She's your mom too, love."
I smiled and looked at the sky.
If she's watching us now, I hope she knows that she raised a great man. A man that I'm so thankful for having...the man I didn't imagine to fall in love with.
I looked at him with all my heart and crouched for a loving kiss.
I remember the first time I saw him.
There was a boy looking at me with his gentle eyes while I was introducing myself in front of the class. Maraming nakatingin sa akin but the way he stared at me felt so different...it sent shivers to my spine and I felt my heartbeat racing. Ever since then, I decided not to go near him...because everytime I go near him...it feels weird...it's different.
But now, as I look into his eyes...I could already ponder why we had such a...bizarre connection.