/A/N/ Consequences chapter will be a little late this week because I have alot of school projects going on and didn't really have time to write it.
This started off as a single paragraph for my homework. But I couldn't hold back the urge and wrote this entire thing in 1 hour.
Inspired by "don't forgive, don't forget" by marslikesyellow on ao3
The endless white snow.
The crackling campfire that threatened to die out any moment.
The dozens of Voltaris gathered together, smuggling against each other for warmth.
The looming figure overlooking the camp, hands clenching Voltar, body tense, red eyes out for any sign of danger.
Not again... Senn grumbled. Nonetheless, he did the same as he always did, walking through the camp, but no one looked at him. He was but a ghost in a distant memory.
Ingressus' memory.
Senn watched their every move, trying to catch anything new. He wasn't sure why he did at this point. He had been seeing this day in his dreams for so long, he probably already knew every single detail in this scene. He knew all their names, he knew all their stories and he knew all their pain. All he had to do was stand there as everything played out.
A child giddily ran past him, a bright smile on his face. Senn's eyes followed Ingressus as he dashed up to the hill to join the figure atop the hill - Dominus Voltaris. The Voltaris master relaxed upon seeing his son, who crashed into his arms, pulling him into a tight hug. Senn felt a tug in his chest, and looked away. He couldn't take it. He couldn't bear seeing the father and son bonding so happily.
Without knowing it was the last day they would ever be together.
Senn stood there, and waited. And waited. And waited.
Until the footsteps came.
He closed his eyes. He couldn't watch.
The songs of war cut through the peaceful air, weapons clashing, war cries filling the air. Senn had tried covering his ears before. It didn't work. So he bit his lip as he listened to the sound of blades cutting through skin and screams of agony that would suddenly be cut off.
' Take Voltar and run! With this, you are now the master of the Voltaris clan...'
He heard the slash of a sword. Another body fall limp. An Aggressium Song. And finally the splash of water.
It was always then he would open his eyes. Something in him wondered if that moment alone was what made him stay every time instead of trying to wake up. In front of him stood Thalleous Sendaris, face and greatsword stained with blood - blood of the Voltaris he had so mercilessly killed.
Senn slowly walked up in front of the champion, taking in all his features. His Sendaris blue markings, his shorter horns, the cuts all over his body, but most of all, his hollow eyes. Those eyes always haunted Senn. How Thalleous could look so emotionless after slaughtering dozens, not even a hint of remorse.
Those eyes...
He wasn't sure whether he hated them or Tygren's twisted ones more.
~*~
When Ria woke up, she immediately noticed the lack of warmth beside her. She sat up, looking at the other side of the bed - empty. Again.
She glanced over to the end of the room. Voltar was gone, but Thalleous' sword remained untouched in the same position. Senn had never touched it since the Second Great War - a decade ago. Ria always wondered why as she helped clean the dust off it. She guessed it was because he missed their hero too much, but something in her knew it wasn't so simple. He had been fine wielding it during the war. Why now would she catch him staring at it absentmindedly everyday? Why now would there always be an uncanny look in his eyes - not sadness, not grief, but conflict, like there was a war in his mind - whenever Thalleous was mentioned, one worse than the Deathsinger or Tidesinger?
She had tried asking him, but he refused to open up about it. Ever since he became the Voltaris master, Senn had built up a wall between him and everyone, including her, especially her, and no matter how hard she tried to take them down, he wouldn't let her. Ria didn't understand. He knew he could rely on her. She would always be there for him, even if it meant her death. So why, why wasn't he letting her in? Why did he choose to push her away? Why did it feel as if the distance between them kept growing even after they had confessed that their feelings for each other were more than just best friends?
She had let it go on for a month, but when she had had enough, she confronted him. Yet it had solved absolutely nothing. Instead, Senn buried himself in his work even more - to avoid her. If it wasn't for Grek talking to him after dropping by with Grim to check on them one day, only to see how strained their relationship was getting, she was sure that it would have continued for far longer. After years, she soon gave up trying. Thalleous would be a name they never spoke whenever he was around.
Recently though, Ria kept waking up to find that Senn was gone. Not for work, even the other Voltaris wouldn't have seen him except for Alyssa. That hyperactive child was always awake earlier than she should be. All the times she claimed to have seen him, he was always headed north. And then he would always return when the moon was high in the sky, looking as if his soul had left his body.
North... Close enough to go and return by midnight... Ria's first thought had been Kaltaria or Mendoria, so after this had occurred one too many times, she had gone to the neighbouring villages in hopes of finding out what he was doing. But she never found him. She then tried Sendaria, even if she was doubtful Timber could go that fast, reaching there by evening to not find her partner and returning to New Voltaria, defeated, the next morning to see Senn with the same lost and tired look as he did his duties as the clan master.
Now, she only had one more idea. And she didn't like it.
~*~
Senn walked past the gravestones lit up with markings of the Voltaris that died in the Second Great War. He didn't know most of them while they were alive, only recognising a select few from the short time he was imprisoned in Hailstone. However, all of their markings had been engraved into his mind when he lit them with Voltar. The staff had felt so heavy in his hands that day.
He paused as he spotted two with markings that matched his own. He only ever met Deltheus twice, Almrak once, and he would never see either of his brothers again. All they imparted to him were Deltheus' spiteful words, Almrak's encouraging ones, and the knowledge of his heritage.
They were all in the furthest end of the graveyard - separated from the other clans. Senn had bitten his lip when the other masters made the decision with the excuse of "They grew with resentment for the other clans, it's best to leave them on their own". He had wanted to argue back "They wished for the day they could live peacefully among the other clans, and now you don't even see it fit to bury them together?" but he was already glad they were allowed in this graveyard at all. He was already glad that they weren't pointing his weapons at him threatening to end his life because of his clan colours. So he stayed silent and accepted. It was better than nothing. At least he wouldn't have to bury them all in New Voltaria. Seeing Ingressus' gravestone everyday was already too much for him to handle.
Senn looked up, his eyes immediately catching sight of another familiar pattern. He clenched his hands into fists at the sight of those jagged markings. How reluctant he was to light the grave of the one who took everything from him, but Tygren was a Voltaris, whether he hated him or not, and he was the master of the clan.
Seeing Tygren's markings reminded him of why he came here in the first place. Senn walked away from the Voltaris section, entering the main cavern, which instead of red everywhere, was diverse in colours - blue, pink, green, yellow... He scanned them one by one, mostly the blue ones, in search of the gravestone he was looking for.
And when he did, Senn stopped. He stared down at the blue markings he had grown up admiring, grown up loving, grown up seeing as the ray of hope in his monotone world of nothing but being trapped in his room and treated as an outcast.
' Thalleous...'
The name felt so weird rolling off his tongue. Maybe because he was a Voltaris. Thalleous had hated the Voltaris with every fibre of his being, made it his purpose to destroy them. To be standing in front of his grave in the colours of the clan he despised so much felt... wrong...
Then again, Thalleous hadn't killed him when he found him. In fact, Thalleous gave him a home, showered him with love like a father would... but at times, Senn would wonder whether those frequent visits were because he cared or because he was afraid of what Senn would become.
Senn really didn't know what to think about the Sendaris champion. On one side, the hero he had always looked up to, the one he had always aspired to be... on the other a cold murderer of thousands and the one who shaped his miserable fate of never fitting in.
Senn stood there, unmoving as he stared at the markings, ignoring as the other Ardoni around cast him glances - a Voltaris before Thalleous Sendaris' grave? It must be a sick joke - and completely buried in his conflicted thoughts and feelings that were suffocating him. He didn't know when he fell to his knees as he recalled all the moments he shared with Thalleous, memories he used to smile upon remembering, yet now questioned if all of the champion's actions were out of love or fear.
He hated Tygren. If Senn were given the chance, he would have killed that psychopath himself. But the more he thought, the more he wondered: What was the difference between the two of them? Both were killers that held no regard to the lives they took. All he could think was that Tygren had a reason to do the things he did - revenge. Thalleous did not. He killed just because. And that didn't make Senn feel any better.
Senn was so occupied with his own mind that he didn't even realise as a hand was put on his shoulder. Only when he heard a soft voice tenderly calling out his name, was he snapped back to reality. He turned around, eyes widening, ' Ria... what are you doing here?'
' I should be asking you the same question,' she remarked, kneeling down next to him as she gazed at the markings on the gravestone.
' You hate it here.'
' I do.' Despite visiting the graveyard at least once every year to pay respects to her family, she despised every second of being there. The markings of her father, brothers and sisters that shone on the stones only added salt to the wound, reminding her of what she had lost, what she had been powerless to save.
' Then why?'
' I was looking for you.'
' I'm fine.'
' You're crying,' Ria reached out her hand to wipe away tears Senn wasn't even aware had fallen down his cheeks. She gave him a smile, yet it looked so forced and barely assuring. ' You know you can tell me anything, Senn.'
I can't. There's so many things I can't tell you. Especially this.
Ria sighed as soon as she saw the all familiar unsettled look in his eyes, knowing it was when she should keep quiet and give Senn his space.
The silence between them stretched for what felt like hours. Senn drowning in his thoughts, Ria occasionally glancing in his direction with concern. Was this what he did everytime? Just kneel here and cry the whole day? Not knowing what else to do, she looped her arms around him. Senn flinched at the touch, but didn't struggle as she pulled him closer to lean on her. She hoped that he could see that he could share whatever burden he was carrying, that she would always be there for him to rely on.
' Wh-what... do you think of him?'
' Hmm?'
' Thalleous.'
Ria clicked her tongue, looking up thoughtfully. It wasn't a question she was asked everyday, and it felt odd coming from Senn of all people. He should know what she felt about Thalleous. They had grown up sharing the same thoughts towards the older Sendaris. But he had asked, so she would answer, or at least try, ' He's... I think he's a hero...' she started.
I think so too. Or at least I did.
'... things would've been harder without his efforts...'
Would they? The Voltaris would've gotten their hands on the Prime Songs and have no need to ally with the Nether, I wouldn't be the last Voltaris by blood standing alive.
' ... I want to be everything he ever was...'
A cold blooded murderer? Did you feel remorse whenever you killed a Voltaris so mercilessly? Did you regret it as soon as I told you of their hardships?
' Senn?' Ria stopped as soon as he stood up without warning. The Voltaris said nothing and started walking away. Ria gave Thalleous' grave one last glance before giving chase, ' Senn!' She finally caught up to him, grabbing his shoulder to get him to stop.
Senn jerked away from the touch, slapping her hand. As she gawked at the sudden reaction, Senn had a fearful look on his face, as if immediately regretting it, but it was soon masked by a stern expression, one he would always wear around other Voltaris, ' Go back.'
' Not until I find out what's bothering you,' Ria said stubbornly. She had been patient with him for a decade, but not anymore. She couldn't watch as the one she loved lifted up the mountain of burdens all by himself, she couldn't do nothing as the walls between them were built higher and higher until it was impossible to climb or smash down without hurting at least one of them.
' I can't tell you.'
' What's holding you back?'
' You'll hate me.'
Ria was taken aback by that answer. How could I possibly hate you? I love you with all my heart... why would you think I would hate you? She picked up the scattered pieces of the puzzle, trying to piece them together, until one pair clicked together. Thalleous... ' It's something about Thalleous isn't it?'
Senn broke eye contact, looking at the ground. So it was. ' What do you know?'
' I can't tell you.'
' Senn... I could never hate you...'
Really? Even back in Northwind when I abandoned you to go with my brother? Even when you just learnt I belonged to the very clan you had been trying so hard to get rid of? Even when you woke up from unconsciousness to see my markings red and Voltar on my back?
' But... if you won't tell me... that's fine...'
What?
' I love you... and... I can't watch you go on like this... but if you aren't willing to tell me... there's no point if it won't help you... just remember that... I'm always here for you, Senn...'
...
' He killed them...'
Senn hadn't even realised the words had left his mouth until he saw the confused look on Ria's face. All the pressure that had been crushing him for the last ten years just seemed to... lighten.
So he continued.
' Ingressus ended up in Nestoria because of Thalleous.'
Upon hearing that, Ria understood a little better. Senn had reluctantly shared with her the history between the Deathsinger and Tidesinger... he just never shared how he ended up there in the first place. But he still wasn't giving her the full picture. There were still some pieces missing.
' How...?'
' ... he was a champion...'
Champion? Why did that sound so familiar?
She suddenly remembered a piece of information she had learnt in her stay at the Walls of Time. Champions... Prime Songs... tournaments...
Hunt Voltaris.
That part of Ardoni's history had been buried with time. Probably because it was something they didn't take much pride in. Because what would the other specieses think, knowing they killed their own kind every season?
Oh... Oh...
' Ingressus fell into the sea when Thalleous was trying to kill him...'
' Not just Ingressus' camp... he... he did it so many times...' Senn broke down, ' I... I love him, I really do... but... I don't know... I feel like I hate him too... I hate him for being such a monster, I hate him for being the reason the two Great Wars started in the first place, I hate him for hiding the truth, I hate him for taking me away from my family... I... I hate myself for thinking all this...'
Ria didn't say anything. And every second of her silence was a stab in Senn's heart. She hates me... she hates me now... After all, Thalleous was her hero, and he had just admitted that he resented him. He stopped his ranting, not wanting to anger her any further, and just stood there, mentally preparing himself for her to yell at him.
But the yelling never came.
Ria just took a step forward. Oh... she's going to kill me herself... Senn thought bitterly. He stayed frozen in place. Because something at the back of his mind told him he deserved it.
Yet she didn't make a move. She just looked down guiltily. ' I'm sorry...'
Why are you apologising?
' It's okay if you hate him...'
No, it's not okay, at all.
' I'll still love you...'
' Stop,' Ria paused as Senn muttered. He held his breath for a moment before continuing, ' You should be mad...'
' I can't be. Not with you. Not when you have a reason to think you're right.'
' I want to be wrong... I don't want to believe the one I grew up admiring was... a heartless monster... I don't want to believe it...' Senn admitted, ' But I can't see him the same again... I can't love him like I used to, I can't miss him like I used to... sometimes I... sometimes I hate him so much I wish I could've killed him instead of Tygren...'
Ria was shocked to hear the last part. He was always disturbed whenever they mentioned Thalleous, but she had never realised how deep the hatred was rooted within him, that it was this bad. She internally scolded herself for overlooking something as serious as this, for giving up so soon. She should've been there for him.
' And then... when I reach that thought... I always think... it's something Thalleous would've thought... and probably Tygren as well... everytime I look at that greatsword, I... the wielder in my mind keeps flickering between them... I don't know if it's because Tygren used it after killing him or... because I can't tell the difference between them... even in my nightmares of Sendaria burning... I always see Thalleous, not Tygren... and I wonder if Thalleous hadn't relocated the Prime Song... would everyone still be alive? Would the Voltaris have survived? Would Ingressus... Achillean... Galleous... would they all still...?' At this point, Senn couldn't stop, and just blurted out all the thoughts that had been weighing on his mind for a decade. All of a sudden, he didn't care if every word would push Ria further and further away, he just wanted them out.
And Senn went on... he went on until the sun was about to set in the horizon, until he could no longer find his voice, until he had no more tears left to cry. Ria was silent. But she stayed. She listened.
As soon as Senn stopped, he crashed into her, he was so, so afraid that it would be the last time she would ever be willing to hold him again. Ria returned the hug. She felt her heart ache as Senn whimpered in her arms. Not knowing what else to do, she lightly kissed his forehead, whispering softly, ' I love you.'
I don't hate you. I could never hate you. I'll always be here for you.
It was that day, the walls between them were finally taken down.