[Extrageneous: Belonging to another kind]
Shine and Wally found them soon after, having been a couple minutes from finding Mystique themselves.
Rogue then caught up.
"You guys found her.... Oh...my... What happened...?"
"Shock," Logan said.
"From...what?" Rogue said.
Shine put a hand to Mystique's forehead, and her eyes gleamed. "It's a combination.... Raven has been in distress for some time, silently.... I could sense it, but getting injured and then the tension of the last 3 days must have made it worse. Couple that with the medication and being out here for hours and dehydrated... We should hurry--she could get a temperature at this rate."
"She's more likely to get too cold," Logan said. "If ya can do that summonin' thing, Likstar, I'd get a blanket."
Shine did so.
"How did no one notice?" Rogue was mad because she was scared.
"I never knew she'd gone," Kurt said. "I left... How does this alvays happen?"
"Kurt, it is not your fault," Shine said. "She was stupid to sneak out, but I think I know why... It's not you, all right? ...Logan, she'll be all right as long as we hurry, right?"
"Probably. She's not that easy to kill," Logan said. "But a portal would help."
"Oh...no," Shine said. "A portal should never be used on someone who's already weak physically, unless you have no choice. It could kill her. Or make her much worse."
"I'll fly her, then," Rogue said. "It's fastest." She took her and flew away.
"This whole day has been a lot handle..." Morph sighed.
"Why'd she come out here?" Logan grumbled.
Shine hugged her sides. "I should have known all this would upset her too much... I should have just made sure she went back in her room."
"Shine, it's not your fault she snuck out," Wally said. "She can easily do that, even with us."
"Makes me wonder why she hasn't more often," Morph said.
"Because she's got nowhere else to go," Shine snapped, worry making her terse. "Duh!"
"Shine, he's not trying to be like that," Wally said.
Shine leaned on him. "Yeah...I'm sorry, Morph.... That was wrong."
"Oh...no problem," Morph said.
"Ya really do like 'er." Logan shook his head at Shine. "I just don't get it."
"Shine sees the best in people," Kurt said. "Ve all should try."
"No," Shine said quietly. "I see myself in her... We all could, really...but I know...just a little too personally...what it feels like. Ah...but I can't tell Rogue; it would crush her."
"She'll get it," Wally said, "sooner or later... You're doing all you can, Shine... Mystique's gotta want help, remember that."
"But sometimes we have to try even when they don't want it," Shine said. "Because people do not always know what they want."
Logan and Morph exchanged a look.
"You know...I think, for a second, she did though," Morph said.
"Why is she so afraid of me?" Kurt said.
"I don't think that was fear of you, Preacher," Logan said. "Hard to tell, but it seemed more like she was afraid of somethin' else... You were just caught up in it... She was still in some kind of trance. Who knows? People imagine weird things when their minds aren't workin'."
"Yeah, like turning into gorillas," Wally said.
"Please...don't bring up that," Shine said. "I still...ugh." She made a face.
* * *
"I'd like to go 5 hours without something going wrong," Scott said, "someone going missing, or anything else!"
"At least they found her," Jean said.
"Yeah, but...this is exhausting," Scott said.
"You're not even the one dealing with it," Wally said, a bit salty. "We are, so just relax, dude. Go to bed if you want."
"Sure," Scott said flatly. "I wish we'd never captured that nuisance! Should have let those other scoundrels keep her."
"Scott!" Jean cried. "Don't you know what they were going to do? I could sense it... It was not good."
Scott didn't get it.
"Just the same," he said, "you can never trust someone who can shape-shift like that and will lie to your face and use people."
Morph looked over at him silently.
Scott never noticed. He just sighed and went off.
"He did not mean it that way." Jean patted Morph's shoulder. "He's tired. He's not thinking about his words carefully. We trust you, of course." She went off.
"You know," Wally said, "just once, I'd like to see her actually not defend him for saying something he shouldn't have said... You okay, buddy?"
"I..." Morph put his hands together. "You know, Mystique likes to throw it in my face that this team will never trust me again... I hated it. But what if she's just saying the obvious? What if it's true?"
"In her world, I guess," Wally said. "But don't let that cynicism get to you. She's a bitter woman."
"Not that different from us," Morph said. "Maybe Shine was right all along about that."
"Shine usually is," Wally admitted. "And maybe we're all alike in a way, but you can still fight that feeling, that attitude. You don't have to think that way."
Morph sighed.
"On the bright side," Wally said, "nice to see you've finally warmed up to her a little... I mean...not that she's exactly easy to like...but I notice a distinct lack of hostility lately."
"I'm starting to think being unkind to people just to make yourself feel better is a pathetic waste of time," Morph said. "Don't know what even got into me... Maybe that Dark Self is still in there a little."
"Yeah, or you're just human like the rest of us and sometimes petty," Wally said.
"So how do you kick that?" Morph asked.
"As far as I know...practice?" Wally shrugged. "And...well, it's not like we don't think of it sometimes, just don't give in to it. A good thing I do is I try to think of how I'd feel if I were them. It's surprisingly hard to do that, but if you do, it's way more difficult to be mean to people."
"That's really simple," Morph said. "Sounds like a kindergarten lesson...but it's just that hard to do it."
"Maybe her being stuck here was a good thing," Wally mused. "It's definitely making us all think about how self righteous we can be..."
Morph didn't notice Wally ever being self righteous at all. It was about as unlikely as Shine being dissuaded from her goals. Wally might be a softer-tempered person, but he was just as steadily good, in Morph's view.
They both made it seem so easy.
Though at the moment, Shine felt it was anything but. She'd had one too many surprises today.
Storm was trying to help her calm down while she just stress-cried.
"You try and try," Shine said piteously, "but you just never know... I thought my heart was going to stop..."
"But Mystique was foolish to go off alone," Storm said. "It had nothing to do with you."
"Oh...I know...but I forgot about her," Shine said.
"You really like her, don't you?" Storm said.
"Why do you all keep saying that?" Shine said. "What does liking have to do with it? She's all right, but that's not the point. I'd feel just as bad anyway."
"I understand that," Storm said, "but you're acting like this is so personal. I've hardly ever seen you like this."
Shine's eyes clouded over.
"Ah..." she said. "I suppose...it did remind me... This situation always does."
"Remind you of what?" Storm asked. She remembered now--Shine and Wally had once acted a bit odd about things like this...like there was something they had not shared.
Shine sat up. "I wonder if it ever goes away..." she mused quietly. "Every world...every mission...at some point, I think about it...and I feel it..."
"What is it?" Storm asked.
Shine sighed. "Thinking about the one time I lost a student...and a friend... She was both." She hugged her sides. "Most of the time, I'm bold, you know...and I don't mind if people take risks...freely...but when it feels like a situation that could have been prevented, and that they walked into not fully prepared...I feel like it's...that situation...all over again... Ah, I'm sure the X-men would know what that feels like. Heroes always do."
"I can imagine it," Storm said. "I had not thought you had such a story... You seem so happy."
"I am," Shine said. "It does not make me unhappy, Storm... It was not my fault.... Wally told me that so many times... I finally started to believe it... I just hate to be reminded that not everything will be in our control... I can accept that." She sighed again. "But I never like it. It still scares me... We're supposed to accept God's will... That's hard, sometimes."
Storm was silent for a moment, then she said, "I see we have more in common still... I was feeling just the same about Rogue...but you see, she is back. You must try to have faith for the people that you care about, Shine... Surely God cares about them as much as you do, and if His work is not done with them, they would not die. Is that not what you believe?"
"I don't know if that's entirely accurate," Shine said. "I mean...I don't know that God always wants people to die...only that He can prevent it. So much death seems senseless, though. It's obvious, I think... In a way, we're not meant to understand it... Perhaps if we could, it'd make us heartless." She tilted her head. "People are bad enough when they think they know why, like Job's comforters. Death is a mystery for a reason, I think... But I guess...you're also right... God would not let anyone die before their time...and I do not know what that time is. So it's up to Him."
Storm was pleasantly surprised she'd managed to get anything right. She still felt very new to these ideas.
"I should not have questioned Him," she said, "I mean...regarding Rogue... It seems the whole thing was in His hand after all."
"Oh...it's okay to have questions." Shine sat back, now clearer. "God doesn't mind questions...just blame. Read Job 39-41 some time. It's a risk to ever act as if God is unfair... Even if it seems unfair to us...fair is based on our idea of what we should and shouldn't do...but God is not the same as us. He makes decisions that we cannot make... I don't know all the answers, Storm...I just know that, no one who's really trusted God in their lives has ever, that I know of, died really feeling it was unfair.... Even the one I knew...that wasn't her feeling, it was mine. We're so quick to assume...but who says the ones who die would even change it if they could? The other side of death might look so different to them." She shrugged.
"I must admit...I do not see why children have to die, though," Storm said.
"Me neither," Shine said. "That is an answer I do not always have...but God knows best. I do not know if we can blame Him then either... There is so much about how this world works that is beyond us. I know this much: If there were another way to do things that was better, God would do it. We don't see all the puzzle pieces ourselves. God is good--I have evidence of that...so if this is how He runs the world...with all its messes, it must be the best possible outcome, considering that people are not perfect... But this sort of theology is a lot for beginners... It's better to know God personally first, before you tackle the mysteries of the universe...ones no one may ever understand...except in bits and pieces..."
She leaned back. "I feel better now though... I was scared...but...there is no reason to be scared. It's not up to me... There's that expectation thing again. Another thing my dad used to say was that we could be responsible for people's eternal damnation if we didn't share the good news with them...but I'm not so sure that's even a biblical teaching. People sin on their own. Our not telling them won't make them sin...just deny them a shot at salvation...but God reveals Himself to everyone...if they really seek Him." She stared at the ceiling. "Sometimes I wonder just how much of the things I think I need to do are even based on the truth."
"I'm sure you're sincere," Storm said. "And...if error is inevitable, then wouldn't you yourself say all you can do is your best?"
"Yeah...I would say that," Shine said. "But you see, it's easier to tell you that than to follow it myself. In The Bard's words, 'I can easier teach 20 what it were good to be done, than be one of the 20 to follow mine own instruction', and 'it is a good divine that follows his own instruction.'... I sound like Hank."
"You kind of do...but I suppose you share your love for Shakespeare," Storm said.
"I think I should turn in too." Shine got up. "Too much excitement in one day... But thank you, Storm... I needed to hear this. I hope Wally is taking it all well too."
Wally was fine, actually. And surprised when Shine didn't really want to talk more about it. She just said that Storm had probably given her the best advice, and she should just follow it and stop thinking about it.
"I think the X-men might be starting to be good for you," Wally said, "not just the other way around... Eh, me too, even. Morph is pretty cool."
"You do have lot in common." Shine lay down, eyes closed.
"What, because we're both the goofy ones?" Wally said.
"Or the ones who don't judge the rest of their friends and are able to get along even with grumpy-puss Wolverine or Batman," Shine said.
"You have the most oddly endearing ways of complimenting me, I have to say," Wally said. "Like, I wouldn't think that would sound good if it was someone else, but you sell it."
"Wally, seriously, if you're going to tease me about how I phrase compliments, I can just go to sleep," Shine said.
Wally planted a kiss on her forehead. "Sorry...I'll be nice, honest."
Shine had to laugh.
* * *
Mystique was out for many hours, but after Hank had kept a watch on her for a bit, he said she wouldn't be seriously ill from her actions as long as she didn't strain herself further till she'd recovered more.
She got a slight temperature from the exposure, but it passed within the night.
Of course she was moved to the medical room for the time being, so when she came to, she didn't know where she was and had a mini panic attack.
"It's all right," Kurt said. He was waiting with her. "It's just the infirmary."
Mystique looked around...then she sighed. "I...don't really remember...but I suppose I got caught... Well...so much for freedom."
"Vhat vere you even doing?!" Kurt said, a little angry. "You could have killed yourself. I know you hate it here, but is that a reason to throw your life avay?!"
Mystique winced...then burst into tears.
Kurt was shocked. "I...I'm sorry, I should not have snapped."
Mystique shook her head. "I'm...sorry..." she said in a stricken tone. "I can't help it... Don't you think I wish I could? But it's just my nature... I told you before... I'm trapped in more ways than one."
"Mother, there is no reason to distress yourself." Kurt tried to put a hand on hers, but she yanked it away.
"Don't pity me, Kurt," she said. "Your pity is like heavy stones... You should hate me."
"But I can't do that," Kurt said. "It vould be untrue to Gott, if not myself...and I cannot help but pity you--you seem so miserable."
"I'm used to that," Mystique said. "You know, before you came along, I didn't care if I was or not!" She made a fist on the sheets. "I knew I wasn't a good person, but it didn't matter! I could just survive...and not think about it...but you and Likstar...you both always make me feel just how much of a wretch I really am... I can't hide from you."
"This is not our intention," Kurt said.
"If it was, it would not work," Mystique said sharply. "I know what you intend...but that is the problem... I could never have that kind of goodwill toward you, and you know it."
"But...once, you did," Kurt said. He sat down closer. "Just tell me...why did you save me?"
Mystique was dumbstruck for a few moments.
They could hear a clock ticking in the hallway.
At last, she looked down. "I don't really know. Maybe for one minute I thought I could do something that was not selfish. It does not make up for anything...I knew that... Nothing can ever do that... I couldn't even try if I wanted to... It's too late...but I figured, out of the two of us, you did not deserve to die...and not by Creed... The whole thing was my fault... I left him...with Sabretooth." She shuddered. "He hates me for a good reason."
"I don't think you can blame yourself for Sabretooth's crimes," Kurt said. "Though, abandoning Creed must have hurt him, but he hates his father far more than you... He does not even know you."
"Why should he?" Mystique said. "The way he turned out...it's probably what I deserve. I knew it...but I was willing to push the consequences off on you... I guess when it came down to it...I wasn't quite as committed to that as I thought... Perhaps if you had been angry..." She shook her head. "Grayton is what I expected... That's all he may ever be...but you were not. I didn't know how to handle it...then or now." She bit her lip. "That is the reason I do not talk to you. You should resent me for that."
"Actually, I am relieved to hear that the reason is not one that vould shame me," Kurt said. "But it's so unnecessary. I do not care if ve are useless or not--that is not the point...and my brother...he needs Gott's help as much as I do. Ve should not judge him so harshly... I have some idea of what Sabretooth did to him. I saw for myself... I think he drove him crazy... But even Sabretooth, he vas mistreated by his father and others. Miss Shine told me... And the cycle continues."
He looked up. "Don't you see, mother? That is what ve humans do to each other. Ve pass cruelty along, one to another, generation after generation. The Bible even talks about it. That is why those of us who find the truth must choose to stop that cycle, or it vould never end. Someone has to spread love instead. So I choose that...Shine too. Her story is like mine. And Vally, he is a very kind person. And the X-men...they are trying to do what's right. But you shouldn't feel like that makes you inferior to us... Somewhere along the line, ve have all just seen the light...but that moment happens at different times for all of us... Why, Logan must be nearly 200 years old, and he is still learning. Surely, then, there's hope for you."
Mystique would never understand Kurt, she thought to herself.
After a long pause, Kurt spoke again. "I'm not asking that ve be close... I'm sure...that vould be difficult...but can't ve be...on better terms? Not this...whatever this is...hanging over us all the time?"
Mystique was silent for a long time.
At last she said, "Even if I wanted it...I don't think I could... The truth is, I don't know how. All I ever have done is lie and pretend and betray by turns."
"Surely you must have had a time where you vere just...a person," Kurt said.
Mystique closed her eyes. "Too long ago to remember if I did... You were better off without me, Kurt. That has always been true."
"Vell, perhaps you are right," Kurt said, to her surprise. "Perhaps, as someone pointed out to me recently, that is what drove me to my faith...and I must be grateful for that. I vouldn't trade that, even for a normal childhood... Isn't that strange? I'd never choose what happened to me on purpose, but I vouldn't change it... It is my story...but, now that you have admitted to this...what does it matter? I do not need a perfect mother or a perfect family. I have what I have. I vould just like to have it...not perhaps like other people do, but...whatever it is supposed to be... Perhaps there is still something in it. Aren't ve here for a reason? Vould you open you heart just a little to that?"
But Mystique was afraid to do just that.
"I think that is a waste of time, Kurt," she said.
Kurt was hurt, naturally.
"I...suppose..." he said. "I...see why you say that..."
Mystique only then realized how cruel it was.
Guilt pricked her again... She really couldn't stop, could she?
She almost said nothing...just let it lie like she usually did, not caring to correct it...
But then something made that seem unbearable this time around, and she made herself speak.
"It's not you," she said slowly. "I just think that I can't start to think that way now...and if...in the long run, you ended up being wrong about that, it would be much worse than just leaving it alone."
"I'd still take that risk," Kurt said. "But you vant to protect yourself."
It was too true.
"You have never learned to let anyone else try to protect you," Kurt said, with his odd insigthfulness. "Anyone who tries, you fight... I see now...Shine, even Morph, and Mr. Vest...and me, it is like you do not understand it at all... I feel sorry for you, for this, because I think it means people have not ever tried to protect you in the past."
Mystique was taken back to her childhood when he said that...but that was a door she didn't want to open.
She flinched. "Well...it's not important."
Kurt seemed at peace now. "I vas fortunate to have so many people who did look out for me...and even Herr Logan and Rogue coming to my aid. It vas a great joy to have people who vould stand up for me...and my brothers also... I vill pray you vill be able to know how it feels."
"You really shouldn't be spending your sympathy on me," Mystique said.
"I think I should decide that," Kurt said. "And the Lord instructs us to pray for many people."
Mystique wanted to bang her head on the wall... Kurt was never going to quit...
She might as well just accept that.
"How's it goin' in here, Slick?" Rogue poked her head in.
"She is avake," Kurt said.
Mystique didn't want to talk to Rogue...but she wasn't getting a choice. Rogue came in and stood at the foot of the bed.
"Well, I hope you're happy," she said indignantly. "You done caused us a ton o' trouble, Momma. What were you thinkin'?! That was the plumb craziest thing to do, even for you."
"Sister..." Kurt said.
"Don't you defend her," Rogue said.
Mystique would have found this funny if Rogue was 5 years younger and it had been over one of of their missions.
As it was...it was just awkward.
Since she was getting no answer, Rogue's ire died down a little.
"Well..." she said more naturally, "just don't do it again. Next time the bear can just eat ya. Logan said there was a bear, anyway... Was there?"
Mystique sort of remembered now. "I think so."
"I didn't even know we had any around here," Rogue mused. "Learn somethin' new every day."
"I have only seen bears at the circus," Kurt said, "trained ones... I hear they are very dangerous in the vild."
"Eh, not if you're smart. Just don't hang out near one with cubs--or the cubs," Rogue said, "and you'll be fine. I'm just pullin' your leg about them eatin' you. Bears wouldn't eat people normally."
"Oh, that's gut to know," Kurt said.
Mystique lay back down... Her head was spinning anyway.
"Ve should let her rest," Kurt said kindly.
"Sure," Rogue said.
They left.
* * *
[You know...technically, since Mystique can be anyone...can't any song or artist fit her? Shapeshifting in a creative author's dream mutation.]
A bit later, Hank let Mystique go out to return to her other room... Shine also appeared to scold her for going off--at least that might have been what she'd done, but Mystique was so docile about it, for her, that she didn't have the heart.
"What made you do it?" she asked instead.
Mystique lacked energy to fight her...so the story came tumbling out.
Shine, as usual, was patient and understanding to where Mystique wanted to smack her...but perhaps also she was sort of counting on it by now.
"That book really does get into your head, doesn't it?" was Shine's first actual comment.
Mystique rolled her eyes...which made her dizzy.
"You know what I think it is?" Shine said sagely. "All this time, being forced to be around people you wanted to avoid...it's bound to make things clearer. For me, it was absence from the situation, but for you, it's the opposite, because absence is what you rely on not to think... Well, you know, I think you're lucky. Not one person in a thousand gets a chance like this."
"Lucky," Mystique said tightly. "Sure."
"Someday you'll see it," Shine said. "Anyway, if I gave you an easy time, would it make you feel any better? One of us might as well see some sliver lining in this...but you know, Raven, I am sympathetic too... This is not fun. Rogue's dilemma affected everyone, but us especially... Can you take my word for it that it will get easier if you just stop making it harder on purpose?"
"And what if I didn't want that?" Mystique said. "I wanted to go... I almost think I'd prefer being dead to this...better off for everyone."
"Don't you ever say that again!" Shine was truly angry for a moment. "Shame on you!"
She scared Mystique with that outburst.
"Such thoughts are useless," Shine said. "And dangerous. We are here for a reason, and while we're alive, we have a chance to live the way we are supposed to, the way we were designed to, even if it is for one minute... Please, do not give in to depression, Raven. I'd take your anger over that...but depression is anger turned inward, they say. If you're turning all this rage on yourself, it is still rage. You must learn to get rid of it. This is the end of not forgiving yourself. Kurt was right."
"I never used to talk about these things," Mystique said. "And now it's all I seem to talk about with you people... I don't like it."
"Yes, a real life is hard, isn't it?" Shine said, with savage mockery but not cruel.
Mystique blinked at her for a moment.
"Congratulations," Shine said. "Perhaps this is why living in lies is easier. No real problems without real feelings. But this is what's real, Raven. This is the real life you have, outside the fake ones. If you always wanted a life of your own...well, that it is not so happy, do not blame us or God. It was your own making. You'll have to face this problem if you want it to get better. The running thing won't change it...and you'll never find your old ways satisfying anymore. You'll know it's just a charade, even to yourself, now. I have seen it happen before. Once we taste what's real, we can't go back. It's like once you try the real, homemade lemonade, the taste of that horrid Kool-Aid mix stuff is just like sugar water." She made a gagging face.
[Suck it, Kool-Aid. Dole is better--not sponsored, just saying. But homemade is best of all, and, yes, I make my own. Suck it, plebs.]
Mystique wasn't amused. She was too depressed for that.
Shine tilted her head. "It will get better, you know," she said, more gently. "I promise, it does get better. The beginning is the worst part. Come on...Mystique, do you really want to just go back to that? One bad idea to the next, never real, never genuine...? I know it's like poison to you to have anything close to a healthy lifestyle, but could it really be worse than the rest of your life being this uncertain crap shoot of pretending?... At some point, we must realize the hell we've come out of is worse than the hell of trying to leave it. At least that hell is more like purgatory... The past is never going to change, but the future is always changing... I know that."
She patted her head, to Mystique's annoyance--she wasn't a kid!
"Think about it. The only person who'd stop you now is you," she said. "Don't do that to yourself. If you make one more selfish decision, make that one. I'm begging you. Trust me...the humiliation passes pretty quickly once you embrace it... It's the fighting it that makes it hurt." She walked out of the room.
Mystique sighed.
* * *
"You're definitely her daughter," Shine said to Rogue in passing as she got a snack out of the kitchen.
Rogue looked at her weird. "Huh?"
"I swear it's like blood ties really don't matter," Shine said. "I mean...literally, both running... Seriously, did you ever talk about it?"
"No," Rogue said, a little hotly. "Stop makin' jokes like that!"
"Rogue, Sweetie--" Shine grabbed a cookie. "--if I was joking, you'd have every right to be angry at me...but I'm being completely serious, and that's telling." She walked out of the room again.
Gambit looked up from the book he was reading. "I don't think she's gonna let dis die so easy. Guess she can be petty after all."
"Why do ya sound happy about that?" Rogue narrowed her eyes.
Gambit turned a page. "Who happy about it? It jus' interestin'."
"What'll be interestin' is if she keeps comparin' us, I'll fix her," Rogue said.
"You couldn't if you wanted to," Jubilee commented. She was eating also. "Anyway, I thought you were going to be all nice to Shine now. Didn't you feel bad or something?"
"Why don't ya mind your own durn business," Rogue said.
"Whatever." Jubilee shrugged.