A/N: I DONT OWN THESE CHARACTERS
y'all. I was not expecting to get comments and votes on the first chapter within 30 minutes of publishing it. Thank you so much.
Low key just decided to make this because I wanted to read it but there wasn't one of the characters reacting to the shows. Everyone wanted them to react to Infinity War and Endgame. Which I get, but I want the new stuff now.
Haha, anyway enjoy.
TITLE SEQUENCE
Wanda and Vision looked at each other,
"What's going on?" Wanda asked
"Why is it in black and white?" Peter cocked his head
Tony narrowed his eyes, "You two get married?"
"She married a robot?" Bucky wondered allowed
"Android actually." Vision corrected
Pietro looked back and forth between the screen and his sister, "I'm very confused."
CUT TO: INT. KITCHEN, DAY
Wanda is telekinetically cleaning dishes. She floats some plates onto a shelf and wipes a cup down with a dish rag. Vision enters, reading a newspaper. Wanda doesn't notice and hits him in the head with a plate, which shatters onto the floor.
"Is this set in the 50's?" Yelena smiled
Alexei nodded, "Seems like it."
"Your powers look different," Pietro noted, "no weird red stuff"
VISION: My wife and her flying saucers.
"Is this a sitcom?" Peter asked
Tony looked at him, "What?"
"The laugh track."
Tony looked back at the screen, "Oh. Yea that's weird."
WANDA: My husband and his indestructible head.
Agatha smiled at this, as if laughing at a joke she'd made
Strange narrowed his eyes. During the arguments a few minutes before he'd elected to not mention the fact that he'd come from after Thanos. While the rest of the group appears to have arrived from before.
VISION: Aren't we a fine pair?
He walks over and kisses her. She magically repairs the plate and walks over to the fridge while talking.
WANDA: What do you say to silver dollar pancake, crispy hash browns, bacon, eggs, freshly squeezed orange juice, and black coffee?
Vision cocked his head, "I don't eat."
VISION: I say, "Oh, I don't eat food."
Kate snickered to herself
Wanda opens the fridge.
WANA: Well, that explains the empty refrigerator.
She closes the fridge. Something off-screen catches Vision's eye.
VISION: Wanda?
WANDA: Hmm?
VISION: Is there something special about today?
WANDA: Well, I know the apron is a bit much, dear, but I am doing my best to blend in.
"Why?" Pietro shook his head, "We never cared about that much before."
VISION: No, no, there on the calendar. Someone's drawn a little heart right above today's date.
She turns to the calendar.
WANDA: Oh, yes, the heart.
The camera zooms in on the heart.
WANDA: Well, don't tell me you have forgotten, Vis.
"I'm incapable of forgetting anything."
Vision stated
VISION: Forgotten? Oh, Wanda. I'm incapable of forgetfulness. I remember everything. That's not an exaggeration. In fact, I'm incapable of exaggeration.
Now Shuri joined Kate in laughing
WANDA: Well, then tell me what's so important about today's date.
He says nothing for a moment.
VISION: What was the question again? Oh, well, perhaps you've forgotten, yourself.
WANDA: Me? Heavens, no. I've been so looking forward to it.
"Yep. Sitcom." Peter affirmed
VISION: As have I. Today, we are celebrating...
He looks expectantly at her.
WANDA: You bet we are. It's the first time we...
VISION: Mhm.
WANDA: ...have ever celebrated this occasion before.
"Wedding aniversary?" Melina provided.
"Why didn't we ever celebrate our anniversary?" Alexei asked
"Because our marriage was fake."
Steve, Bucky, Clint and the others sitting around them glanced at Alexi and Melina who didn't seem concerned with the glances. There was a silent agreement that what ever was going on with the people Natasha was with, it could wait until they figured out what was going on on the screen.
VISION: It's a special day.
WANDA: Perhaps an evening.
VISION: Of great significance.
WANDA: To us both.
VISION: Naturally.
WANDA: Obviously.
VISION: Exactly.
They kiss.
Pietro made a face
VISION: Well done, us. Alright. Well, that's me off to work, then.
He grabs his briefcase.
WANDA: Oh, don't forget.
He grabs his hat off of a hook.
VISION: I haven't.
She gestures to her own face. He looks in a mirror.
VISION: Oh!
He chuckles and shakes his head, taking on a human appearance. He blows her a kiss, which she catches.
"You can do that?" Tony looked at Vision
Vision looked down at his body. After a few moments his android body melted away into a human appearance, "I suppose I can."
VISION: Have a good day, dear!
He leaves. She returns to the calendar and stares at it for a moment. There's a knock at the front door. She goes to open the door. Agnes enters, holding a house plant.
"It's you!" Peter pointed at Agatha, whose mouth hung open.
"I'm in this?" She asked
Yelena turned to look at her, "I guess that answers why your here."
"Why are you here?" Kate asked Yelena, "No
Disrespect, I just have never seen you before."
Yelena pointed at Natasha, "She's my sister"
AGNES: Oh! Hello, dear. I'm Agnes, your neighbor to the right. My right, not yours. Forgive me for not stopping by sooner to welcome you to the block. My mother-in-law was in town, so I wasn't.
Agnes hands Wanda the house plant and invites herself in.
AGNES: So, what's your name? Where are you from? And, most importantly, how's your bridge game, hon?
"Your quite intrusive." Natasha glanced back at Agatha
Agatha shrugged, "I have a strong personality"
Wanda closes the door.
WANDA: I'm Wanda.
She extends her hand.
AGNES: Wanda. Charmed.
They shake hands.
AGNES: Golly, you settled in fast! Did you use a moving company?
WANDA: I sure did.
She sets the house plant down.
WANDA: Those boxes don't move themselves.
AGNES: So, what's a single gal like you doing rattling around this big house?
WANDA: Oh, no, I'm not single.
AGNES: Oh, I don't see a ring.
WANDA: Well, I assure you I'm married. To a man. A human one, and tall. As a matter of fact, he'll be home later tonight for a special occasion. Just the two of us.
"Really smooth." Shuri laughed
AGNES: Oh, is it somebody's birthday?
WANDA: Not a birthday.
AGNES: Well, today isn't a holiday, is it?
WANDA: No, it's not a holiday.
AGNES: An anniversary, then?
WANDA: Y... Yes! Yes, it's our anniversary!
Wanda sits next to Agnes on the couch.
AGNES: Oh, how marvelous! How many years?
WANDA: Well, it feels like we've always been together.
"This raises more questions!" Peter threw his hands up in the air
"Kid," Tony looked over at him, "chill."
AGNES: Lucky gal. The only way Ralph would remember our anniversary is if there was a beer named June 2nd.
They both laugh.
"Oh great 50's humor, when no one was allowed to like their spouse." Shuri rolled her eyes
Tchala rolled his eyes at her
AGNES: So, what do you have planned?
WANDA: How do you mean?
AGNES: For your special night. A young thing like you doesn't have to do much, but it's still fun to set the scene. Say, I was just reading a crackerjack magazine article called, "How To Treat Your Husband To Keep Your Husband." And let me tell you, what Ralph could really use is, "How To Goose Your Wife So You Don't Lose Your Wife." Hang on, I'll go grab it and we can start planning. Oh, this is gonna be a gas!
Agnes leaves.
CUT TO: INT. COMPUTATIONAL SERVICES INC., DAY
Cut to an establishing shot of Vision's workplace. Cut inside. Vision sits at his desk in a cluster of other desks where his coworkers sit, including Norm next to him. Norm has music playing on a radio. Vision speeds through computations with inhuman speeds. He grabs a stack of papers and brings them to Norm.
Pietro laughed "Great job hiding the fact that your a robot."
"Android actually" Vision corrected
VISION: Here are those computational forms that you requested, Norm. There you go.
NORM: Gee willikers, that was fast! Hey, the music isn't bothering you, is it, pal?
VISION: In terms of distraction from work, or the largely nonsensical nature of the lyrics?
NORM: The first one.
VISION: An, no, thank you, Norm.
Vision looks around for a moment. Norm gets up.
NORM: Hey, is there something I can help you with, buddy?
VISION: Yes, as a matter of fact, there is. Would you be so good as to tell me what it is we do here exactly? Do we make something?
"Do you guys know anything about your lives?" Kate asked
NORM: No.
VISION: Right. Do we buy or sell something?
NORM: No and no.
VISION: Then what is the purpose of this company?
NORM: All I know is, since you've gotten here, productivity has gone up three hundred percent.
VISION: Yes, but what is it we're producing?
NORM: Computational forms. And no one can process the data quite like you do, pal. You're like a walking computer!
VISION: What? I most certainly am not! I'm a regular carbon-based employee made entirely of organic matter much like yourself, Norm.
"Really, really smooth." Shuri smiled
"Sister, please." Tchala whispered
NORM: Hey, what's got your feathers all ruffled?
VISION: Yes, I'm sorry, I'm a tad on edge. You see, it appears there's something special about today, special to Wanda, that's my wife, and, gee. I can't for the life of me recall what it is.
A door nearby opens.
VISION: Oh!
Vision and Norm rush back to their desks. Mr. Hart and another man exit from Hart's office.
MR. HART: Good to see you.
The other man leaves. Mr. Hart approaches Vision's desk.
MR. HART: Vision.
VISION: Yes.
MR. HART: Wife and I are looking forward to this evening.
VISION: Mr. Hart, of course! Dinner with Mr. Hart and his dear lady wife, Mrs. Hart.
"Why wouldn't you just write Mr. Hart?" Carol asked
"It's a sitcom." Peter shrugged, "It doesn't have to make sense."
"I like sitcoms." Wanda frowned
"I didn't say they were bad!" Peter back petaled, "just that they don't follow logic all the time."
MR. HART: That's what I just said. What's wrong with you, son? You got a screw loose?
VISION: Oh, no, sir. Screws all tightened, sir.
MR. HART: Yes, I should hope so. Employee dinners are a rite of passage for the new hires.
VISION: Ah.
MR. HART: Jones over there failed miserably.
Cut to Jones entering with a box of his belongings.
MR. HART: Isn't that right, Jones?
"That doesn't seem fair." Tchala pursed his lips
"It was the 50s." Yelena sighed, "Nothing was fair."
JONES: The wife thought five courses would be sufficient.
MR. HART: And there was that paltry excuse for entertainment.
JONES: A string quartet?
MR. HART: And then you had that embarrassing display of beatnik enthusiasm.
JONES: I wore a turtleneck.
"Poor Jones." Kate shook her head
MR. HART: Yes, best of luck out there in the unemployment line, Jones.
Jones leaves the office. Vision sits back at his desk.
MR. HART: You know, I owe my success to being a keen judge of character. No skeletons in your closet, eh, Vision?
VISION: I don't have a skeleton, sir.
"Really, smooth." Shuri crossed her arms.
MR. HART: Glad to hear it. Your future in this company depends on it.
Mr. Hart returns to his office. Vision looks nervous.
"It's a 50s sitcom. You'll be fine." Peter huffed
"I didn't realize you didn't like sitcoms." Tony rose an eyebrow.
"I just don't like lazy storytelling"
CUT TO: INT. LIVING ROOM, DAY
Cut to a shot of Wanda and Vision's home.
AGNES: And you don't have a song?
Cut inside. Wanda and Agnes are on the couch looking at magazines.
AGNES: Nothing special you played at your wedding?
WANDA: No, nothing special.
AGNES: I'll just loan you some records, then. So, we've got music covered, decor, wardrobe... Oh! What about seduction techniques?
"Oh no." Kate smiled, piecing together where this was going.
WANDA: Oh, I have those.
AGNES: Of course you do.
WANDA: Just out of curiosity, what does it say?
AGNES: That you should stumble when you walk into a room so he can catch you. It's romantic.
WANDA: Any other tricks?
AGNES: You could point out that the death rate of single men is twice that of married men.
WANDA: Now that's romantic.
There were a few always laughs, more out of feeling like they should than thinking it was funny.
They both laugh. The phone rings. Wanda gets up to answer.
WANDA: Vision residence.
"Is Vision their first name or last name?" Kate asked
Clint turned around, "What?"
Trying to stay cool and not freak out that her hero was taking to her, Kate repeated, "Is Vision their last name or his first name?"
"Last name." Clint shrugged
"Then what do they think his first name is?" Yelena joined in.
The three of them glanced over to Vision then back to each other
Natasha slapped Clint and Yelena's arms, "If you three want to continue talking one of you two needs to switch with me so I can watch with out you talking over me."
The shot cuts back and forth during the conversation as Wanda and Vision talk.
VISION: Wanda, darling.
WANDA: Vision, sweetheart.
VISION: Listen, about tonight-
WANDA: Don't worry, dear. I have everything under control.
VISION: Oh, well, that is a relief. I mean, I must confess, I'm really rather nervous.
WANDA: Nervous? Whatever for?
VISION: Well, you know, darling, I still get a little tongue-tied.
WANDA: Vis, after all this time?
"How long is all this time though?" Monica asked
Pietro nodded, "Yea when does this happen. Or does it actually happen? And where's your accent."
"I, I just realized it was missing." Wanda gawked at the screen
VISION: There's an awful lot riding on this one, Wanda. If tonight doesn't go just so, I think this could be the end.
WANDA: Well, it's just one night. There's no need to get dramatic.
VISION: Look, I think the best course of action is to impress the wife.
WANDA: And I think the best course of action is to impress the husband.
"I'm not really enjoying what your side of this conversation is about." Pietro cringed
"What's wrong?" Monica asked
Pietro looked back at her, "It's my sister." He deadpanned before turning back around.
She gives Agnes a thumbs up, who gives her one right back.
VISION: Well, wonderful. Glad to know we're both on the same page. Until tonight, then, my darling.
WANDA: Until tonight.
She hangs up.
CUT TO: COMMERCIAL BREAK
"We get commercials too?" Kate groaned
A toaster pops on a counter. A man walks into frame and a series of knick-knacks can be seen hung on the wall behind him.
MAN: Is your husband tired of you burning his toast?
"Ugh." Carol rolled her eyes
The man walks to the side, where a woman stands next to a different toaster.
MAN: Try our new and improved ToastMate 2000. It's the go-to for clever housewives.
"Lame." Yelena huffed
WOMAN: Say, this machine has some shine.
MAN: You said it. Set the dial and get the taste back into your toast.
The woman puts two pieces of bread in the ToastMate 2000. She presses a button on the front and it begins toasting. The camera zooms in on the toaster.
MAN: Top and bottom heating elements can handle anything-
As he mentions dishes, they appear on screen.
MAN: -from meatloaf, to cherry pie, to open-faces cheese sandwiches.
"The light turned red!" Peter jumped out of his seat
While Tony pulled Peter back down the others started pointed and nodding
"That's interesting." Agatha whispered narrowing her eyes
The toaster begins ticking. Cut back to it. The beeping gets faster for a few moments before popping.
"That, that was interesting." Kate glanced around the room
Pietro shivered, "It reminded me of-"
"Me too." Wanda nodded
Vision looked between the two of them, "Of what?"
Wanda waved the question off, of to the side Strange narrowed his eyes at the screen, trying to make sense of what was happening
MAN: The all new ToastMate 2000 by Stark Industries.
Tony stiffened, "What?"
"Now it really reminds of it." Pietro grimaced
The woman takes the toast out. Cut to different shot of a ToastMate 2000 with text on screen.
MAN: Forget the past. This is your future.
CUT TO: INT. LIVING ROOM, EVENING
Cut to an establishing shot of Wanda and Vision's home. Cut inside. Vision enters, followed by Mr. and Mrs. Hart. Candles are set all around the room. Smooth music plays.
"Oh boy." Kate shrunk down in her seat, preparing for the second hand embarrassment
(A/N: aka me every time I watch this scene)
VISION: Here we are.
MRS. HART: Oh. How very atmospheric.
MR. HART: What's going on here, Vision? You blow a fuse?
VISION: Pardon me while I just go and fetch the lady of the house.
He enters the kitchen. As soon as he's gone, Wanda enters from another room. Thinking it's Vision, she walks up behind Mr. Hart and covers his eyes.
"Oh no!" Wanda burrowed her head in her hands
WANDA: Guess who?
Vision comes back in and turns the lights on.
VISION: Wanda!
WANDA: Vision?
She gasps and takes her hands away.
MR. HART: What is the meaning of this?
VISION: (Stammering) Well, what is the meaning of this? Oh, the meaning of it! You want to know the meaning of it, and the meaning of it is that this is the traditional Sokovian greeting of hospitality.
"Huh?" Pietro cocked an eyebrow
Wanda walks over to him, nodding. He performs a similar action Wanda, covering her eyes.
VISION: Guess who?
WANDA: Oh, is that my host behind me?
VISION: It certainly is.
She turns around and they shake hands.
WANDA: Lovely to make your acquaintance.
VISION: Yes. See, I forgot to tell you my wife is from Europe.
MRS. HART: Oh, how exotic!
"Exotic?" Wanda poked her head out of her hands
MR. HART: We don't break bread with Bolsheviks.
The Russians in the room shared a look
MRS. HART: Oh, hush, Arthur. Have you no culture at all? And that dress!
VISION: Yes, it's, it's so... Sokovian, is what it is! Yes.
"Now that was actually a little smooth." Shuri gave a small clap
"Sister!" Tchala groaned
WANDA: Can I just see you in the kitchen for a moment, sweetheart?
VISION: Oh, yes.
She grabs his hand and pulls him into the kitchen. He blows out some candles as they walk.
WANDA: Who are those people?
VISION: What are you wearing?
WANDA: Why are they here?
VISION: What are you wearing?
"Really not the time." Tony it his hand over his mouth to hide the laughing
WANDA: Well, it's our anniversary!
VISION: Our anniversary of what?
WANDA: Well, if you don't know, I'm not going to tell you!
VISION: That, that man through there is my boss, Mr. Hart! And his dear lady wife, Mrs. Hart! The heart on the calendar was an abbreviation!
WANDA: You move at the speed of sound and I can make a pen float through the air. Who needs to abbreviate?
"My point." Carol waved her hand in the air
VISION: Darling, listen. It's all romantic to do the candles, the music, that stunning outfit... I don't want to be unappreciative, but right now-
WANDA: Your boss and his wife are expecting a home-cooked meal.
"Bingo!" Natasha snapped
VISION: Exactly.
WANDA: Any chance they'd settle for a single chocolate-covered strawberry split three ways?
"Doubt it" Alexei chuckled
She looks at a chocolate-covered strawberry on the kitchen table.
VISION: Uh...
WANDA: I might have a better idea.
She snaps her fingers and a new dress appears on her.
"You can just do that?" Monica gaped
"Uh. I guess?" Wanda started at her on screen counter part, "I've never tried."
Cut back into the living room some time later. Mrs. Hart, Mr. Hart, and Vision are sitting on the couch.
MR. HART: So I said, "If we orient the forms horizontally rather than vertically, we can use twice the paper, we can bill twice the cost.
Vision laughs.
VISION: You truly are a pioneer. But the larger purpose of the forms is...?
MR. HART: Well, it's to analyze our input and our output.
Alexei frowned, "Huh?"
VISION: Huh.
MR. HART: You're awfully dense, aren't you, Vision.
"I am not 'dense'!" Alexei huffed
Melina patted his arm, "Sure your not!"
Back in the kitchen, Wanda lets Agnes in through the back door.
WANDA: Oh, Agnes! You're a life-saver.
Agnes enters with various ingredients.
AGNES: Oh, what kind of housewife would I be if I didn't have a gourmet meal for four just lying about the place.
Wanda helps Agnes unload some of the ingredients.
AGNES: Not that Ralph ever wants to eat anything but baked beans, which explains a lot about his personal appeal, mind you.
Agnes drops a large pot.
AGNES: Oh, my!
In the other room, Vision shoots up. Mrs. Hart follows.
MRS. HART: Do you think Wanda needs help in the kitchen? We haven't any tidbits or tartlets out here, nary a pig in a blanket.
VISION: No, that's so kind of you Mrs. Hart, but I'm sure she's absolutely fine in there.
Wanda hears Vision.
WANDA: Oh, thank you, Agnes. I think I've got it covered from here.
AGNES: Oh, are you sure, dear? Many hands make light work, and many mouths make good gossip.
Kate laughed, "Your fun!"
"Why thank you!" Agatha smiled
WANDA: You're so naughty!
Wanda begins pushing Agnes towards the back door. Agnes reaches for the oven.
AGNES: Oh, shall I just preheat the over then, dear?
WANDA: That won't be necessary.
AGNES: Oh, all right, then.
Wanda again pushes Anges towards the door and opens it, but Agnes swivels around and walks back to the kitchen. Wanda ropes her around the kitchen as she talks.
AGNES: Well, I know you're in a pinch so this menu can be done in a snap. Lobster Thermidor with mini mincemeat turnovers to start. Chicken à la King with twice cooked new potatoes for your second course, and Steak Diane and mint jellies for your main. Do you set your own jellies, dear?
"So much food." Wanda rubbed her head.
"More than we ever saw." Pietro nodded
WANDA: Yes.
AGNES: Good girl.
Wanda pushes her to the door again.
AGNES: Recipe cards are on the counter there. Bon appétit!
Agnes finally leaves. Wanda uses her powers to open every cabinet and floats cooking tools all over the kitchen. The noise causes Mrs. Hart to jump up from the couch.
MRS. HART: You men stay put. I sense a domestic emergency, so-
"Oh please." Shuri rolled her eyes
VISION: Mrs. Hart, please don't. You can't, you... Please...
She goes to open windows to the kitchen. As she swings them open, he begins singing.
VISION: Yeah, take out the papers and the trash.
"You have many talents Vision," Tony started laughing again, "singing isn't one of them."
Mrs. Hart turns around and doesn't notice Wanda's powers in use.
VISION: Or you won't get no spending cash.
Wanda gives him a confused look.
VISION: If you don't scrub the kitchen floor.
Mrs. Hart begins to dance along.
VISION: You ain't gonna rock and roll no more. Yakety yak, don't talk back.
While the Harts are distracted, Wanda closes the windows to the kitchen.
VISION: Well, why don't we have a nice sing-a-long, all together then, shall we?
He picks up a small guitar. In the kitchen, Wanda attempts to use her powers to quickly cook a chicken, but accidentally burns it.
WANDA: Oh, no, too much!
"I have better control than this!" Wanda huffed
She tries again and ends up with a basket of eggs.
WANDA: Oh, no, not enough!
"Wanda you could solve world hunger like that." Peter noted
Back in the living room, Vision and Mrs. Hart are excitedly singing along while Mr. Hart looks annoyed.
VISION: Old MacDonald had a farm.
MRS. HART: E-I-E-I-O.
Kate and Peter joined in, "E-I-E-I-O!"
VISION: And on that farm he had a...
They look expectantly and Mr. Hart, who says nothing.
VISION: ...pig.
VISION AND MRS. HART: E-I-E-I-O.
Yelena jumped in for the second verse, "E-I-E-I-O!"
VISION: With a-
MRS. HART: Oink, oink.
VISION: -here, and a -
MRS. HART: Oink, oink.
VISION: -there.
MRS. HART: Here an oink, there an oink-
VISION: Everywhere an oink, oink.
Bye the end of it Shuri had caught on and joined in as well
Back in the kitchen, the singing is still somewhat audible. Wanda looks stressed, trying to juggle multiple steps at once.
"I could do this!" Wanda threw her hands up
WANDA: Oh, what was I supposed to do next? Oh, what was the main course again?
She walks to a group of flying recipe cards.
WANDA: It was... Steak.... No, Steak...
Cut back to the living room.
WANDA: Diane!
VISION: Yes? Oh, I think that must be my wife summoning me.
"What?" Peter cocked his head again
MR. HART: She calls you "Diane?"
VISION: Yes, it's her pet name for me. I'm just coming... Fred. Excuse me a moment.
"Not as smooth." Shuri tsked
He gets up from the couch. In the kitchen, Wanda is placing some lobsters in a pot. Vision enters and startles her.
WANDA: Oh, no!
She throws the lobsters out the window.
"So much food waste" Peter shook his head
VISION: How can I be of assistance?
WANDA: Well, the chicken is no longer a chicken and the lobsters just flew the coop, so the steak is the last man standing. It says here I can cut down the prep time with a meat tenderizer.
VISION: Excellent plan. Where's the tenderizer?
WANDA: I'm looking at him.
"You are a machine." Tony nodded
She hands Vision a large mallet.
VISION: Ah.
Mrs. Hart suddenly opens up the window to the living room.
MRS. HART: Hoo-hoo in there.
WANDA: Hoo-hoo back to you!
Kate and Yelena snickered
Natasha looked at them, "It wasn't that funny."
Yelena shrugged, "It was dumb."
Wanda closes the window again and turns to Vision.
WANDA: Finish the meat, find the lobsters. I'll be right back.
She tosses her apron to Vision and runs to the living room.
WANDA: I hope you're hungry!
MR. HART: Starved is more like it.
MRS. HART: My head is starting to feel woozy.
Vision slams the mallet down, making a loud noise.
WANDA: Were either of you aware that married men are killing single men at an alarming rate?
"What?" Pietro looked at his sister
MR. HART: What are you going on about?
There's another loud thud from the kitchen.
MR. HART: And what's going on in there?
Mr. Hart begins walking to the kitchen.
WANDA: Whoo-hoo!
Wanda pretends to fall backwards and he catches her. There's a knock at the door.
"Who would be knocking now?" Kate huffed
"Probably Agnes." Clint shrugged in Agnes's direction
WANDA: Who could that be?
Vision enters from the kitchen.
VISION: Coming!
Wanda and Vision both get to the front door. Agnes is standing there holding a pineapple.
"Called it!" Clint snapped
AGNES: Oh, you didn't answer the back door. For your upside-down cake!
She hands Wanda the pineapple. Agnes notices Vision.
AGNES: Oh, hi! I-
Wanda closes the door on her.
MR. HART: Who was that?
Wanda and Vision speak over each other.
WANDA: A salesman.
VISION: Telegram. A man selling telegrams.
WANDA: Wouldn't you know it, good news is more expensive.
Peter snorted
VISION: (To Wanda) I couldn't find the lobsters, and did you want the meat tender or pulverized?
WANDA: Oh, dear.
She heads back to the kitchen.
VISION: Well, I think tonight's going swimmingly. Anyone for Parcheesi?
MRS. HART: My, my head is spinning.
VISION: Oh, Mrs. Hart.
She sits on the couch.
MR. HART: Did you hear that? My wife's head is spinning. Generally speaking I don't like her head to do that.
"Chill man!" Kate huffed
In the kitchen, Wanda picks up a whisker.
WANDA: Time to improvise.
"Weren't you doing that already?" Tony fiddled with his watch
MR. HART: You know, I'm beginning to think you're not management material, Vision.
As he talks, Wanda sets the table.
MR. HART: You know, I had high hopes for you. But from what I've seen here tonight you can barely keep it together. I mean, look around. There's all this chaos going on in your household. Now, what are we gonna eat?
WANDA: Dinner is served.
They all look over at the table.
VISION: Ah.
MR. HART: Breakfast for dinner? How
very, uh...
MRS. HART: European.
"European?" Alexei looked at the Americans, "I like the breakfast for dinner!"
"Look at your stomach!" Yelena smiled, "no ones surprised!"
VISION: Oh, let's have a toast!
They all approach the table.
VISION: To my lovely and talented wife.
WANDA: To our esteemed guests.
VISION: Yes, cin cin.
They all pick up glasses and clink them together.
WANDA: Cheers.
They all take sips.
"Wait, Vision can't eat!" Bruce sat up, "What's he going to do when they start eating?"
"That is a good observation Dr. Banner." Vision nodded, "I do hope I am not forced to eat. I fear the results would be unsavory."
WANDA: Well, please, eat before it gets cold.
VISION: Oh, Mrs. Hart, allow me.
Vision pulls out the chair for Mrs. Hart. Wanda and Mr. Hart both sit as well.
MRS. HART: So, where did you two move from?
Vision sits down.
MRS. HART: What brought you here? How long have you been married? And why don't you have any children yet?
"And you all think I'm pushy?" Agatha smiled
Wanda stares off into the distance.
VISION: I think what my wife means to say is that we moved from, um...
WANDA: Yes, we moved from...
VISION: And we were married...
"Come on, your a robot. Come up with something!" Loki waved his hand
"Android, actually." Vision corrected. Thought this time he was much more interested in what was happening in the big screen.
WANDA: Yes, yes, we were married in...
MR. HART: Well? Moved from where? Married when?
MRS. HART: Now, patience, Arthur. They're setting up their story. Let them tell it.
WANDA: We... Our story...
MR. HART: Yes, what exactly is your story?
"Come on man." Kate rolled her eyes, "They can't come up with a lie with you pushing them like this."
MRS. HART: Oh, just leave the poor kids alone.
MR. HART: No, really, I mean, I think it's a perfectly simple question. Honestly. Why did you come here? Why?
Peter be game to squirm in his seat. Something deep inside him was making him jumpy. Something bad was about to happen.
Neither responds. Mr. Hart slams his hand on the table.
MR. HART: Damn it, why? Why did y-
He begins choking on some food.
"He, he didn't take a bite." Thor looked around the room.
"Then why is he choking?" Melina narrowed her eyes
"I wonder." Strange muttered
MRS. HART: Oh, Arthur, stop it. Stop it. Stop it.
His choking becomes worse. Wanda and Vision stare.
MRS. HART: Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.
"He's choking, I don't think he can." Tony weakly attempted a joke.
She begins to look at Wanda.
"Wanda," Steve looked over at the real Wanda, "why is she looking at you!"
"I, I don't know!" Wandas hands were shaking.
MRS. HART: Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.
Mr. Hart falls to the ground.
MRS. HART: Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.
"Someone do something!" Natasha yelled
Wanda and Vision look at each other.
MRS. HART: Stop it.
WANDA: Vision, help him.
"Finally!" Clint breathed a sigh of relief
Vision gets up and kneels next to Mr. Hart. He phases his hand into Mr. Hart's throat and pulls out the food. Mr. Hart coughs and breathes.
"Um, there wasn't any strawberries on their plate. How did that end up in his throat!" Peter pointed at the strawberry
Behind Peter, Strange looked at the front of the room where Wanda was sitting.
Agatha leaned forward in interest. Fury clocked it but said nothing.
VISION: Let me help you up. Give me your hand.
Vision helps him up. Mrs. Hart smiles.
VISION: Alright, steady on, sir.
Wanda gets up. Mr. Hart pants, then looks at his watch.
MR. HART: Well, would you look at the time.
"Is he just going to act like nothing happens?" Monica gawked at the screen
MRS. HART: Yes, we'd better be going.
"Her too?" Monica ran her hands through her hair
She gets up.
WANDA: Well, are you both alright?
MRS. HART: We had such a lovely time.
Wanda turns to Vision. Mrs. Hart comes up behind her and covers her eyes with her hands.
MRS. HART: This guest is leaving your home.
Wanda chuckles and turns around. Mrs. Hart shakes her hand.
WANDA: Yes, thank you for coming.
MR. HART: You made me proud tonight, son. First thing Monday morning, you and me are gonna have a little chat.
"But the night was a disaster!" Loki crossed his arms
They shake hands.
MR. HART: We'll see about that promotion.
VISION: Yes, sir! Thank you sir.
Wanda gets the door for the Harts.
MR. HART: Thank you.
As they leave, Wanda notices one of the lobsters has been attached to the door. Mrs. Hart looks at it for a moment.
"How did it get all the way out there!" Bucky titled his head
MRS. HART: Oh, what a charming door knocker. Good night!
Mrs. Hart leaves. Wanda closes the door. They both sigh in relief. Vision returns to his robot form.
"Is everyone going to act like nothing happened?" Monica rubbed her temples
WANDA: We are an unusual couple, you know.
VISION: Oh, I don't think that was ever in question.
They sit on the couch together.
WANDA: What I mean is, we don't have an anniversary.
"Why not though?" Yelena waved her hand
VISION: Huh.
WANDA: Or a song. Or even wedding rings.
VISION: Well, we could remedy that. Today could be our anniversary.
WANDA: Of what? Surviving our first dinner party?
VISION: Precisely. And our song could be...?
WANDA: Yakety Yak, naturally.
VISION: Naturally.
"I have to be honest, you guys are cute."
Kate smiled
Wanda and Vision spun around, "What?" Wanda asked
Kate shrugged
WANDA: And the rings?
VISION: Well, couldn't you make some for us?
He holds up his hand. She holds up hers. She flicks her other wrist and rings appear on their fingers.
"See?" Kate waved at the screen, "that's cute."
VISION: I do. Do you?
WANDA: Yes. I do.
VISION: And they lived happily ever after.
They kiss. They stare into the camera and their faces are bordered by a hexagon which slowly zooms in on them. They smile as their names come up on either side of them. Credits roll. The camera zooms out, revealing the episode to be playing on an old-looking television.
"Why are we in the TV?" Wanda asked
Wires and other more modern-looking monitors surround it. The camera pulls back further and reveals someone taking notes. They close their notebook and put down their pen.
"Who is that?" Thor asked
Fury shop his head, "I'm not sure. I don't like this though."
"What's that on the notebook?" Peter asked
"Looks like a Sword."
END CREDITS
The group splits off into individual conversations. They shared theories and ideas about what was happening.
A few minutes later, the screen lit back up for episode two.