29. For The Best
Liam.
I stood in the hospital room with my baby, feeling more guilt then ever before. The only sound in the room was the beeping of her heart-monitor. I could faintly hear the radio, which was playing in the room next door, where a man slept who had a heart attack this morning. I met him earlier when I accidently went into the wrong room.
Madison lay peacefully in the crinkly white sheets, quietly sleeping. An IV was inserted in her right hand, along with a big silver clip on her tiny index finger and a little neon yellow hospital bracelet on her wrist. I've had Madison for one day and I've already managed to almost kill her.
On her forehead, she had three little pink stitches from where she hit her head on my floor. Madison was sleeping when she got the stitches, so I made the choice to give her pink ones. Most of her clothes are pink, so her stitches will go with everything. I called Danielle the moment we arrived at the hospital, and she's on her way now. I have no doubt in my mind that Danielle is going to try and take Madison back. I also have no doubt in my mind that she will win, and she will take Madison back. And maybe it's for the best. I just wanted a chance to be a father.
I am an irresponsible man. I can't even deny it. I'm a busy guy, I party, do concerts, get drunk, I got Danielle pregnant twice, hopped between Danielle, Sophia and Olivia... I'm pretty sure everyone would be better off without me. I brushed the hair out of Madison's eyes, and sat down in the chair beside her bed.
Slowly her eyelids flickered open, revealing her big brown eyes. "Daddy," She whispered, voice scratchy. "Hi baby," I greeted, smiling down at her. "Will you sing for me?" She asked, gulping. "Alright," I agreed, tired. I don't know what I should sing. I don't really know any kid-ish songs besides twinkle twinkle little star, which seems a little too young for Madison to want to hear. Sighing, I decided on Hallelujah.
"I've heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
It goes like this
The fourth, the fifth
The minor fall, the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah," I stopped and took a pause as Madison began closing her eyes again.
"Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah." I turned around, and saw Danielle cautiously stepping into the room with Max and Megan at her side. I turned back to Madison and continued the song.
"Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty in the moonlight overthrew you
She tied you to a kitchen chair
She broke your throne, and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah," Danielle, Max and Madison all sat down on the fold-out sofa behind me.
"Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah."
"Baby I have been here before
I know this room, I've walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew you.
I've seen your flag on the marble arch
Love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah," I sang. "Liam," Said Danielle, "Can we please talk?"
"Let me finish," I replied harshly, immediately feeling bad.
"Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah,"
"There was a time when you let me know
What's really going on below
But now you never show it to me, do you?
And remember when I moved in you
The holy dove was moving too
And every breath we drew was Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Maybe there's a God above
But all I've ever learned from love
Was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you
It's not a cry you can hear at night
It's not somebody who has seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
You say I took the name in vain
I don't even know the name
But if I did, well, really, what's it to you?
There's a blaze of light in every word
It doesn't matter which you heard
The holy or the broken Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
I did my best, it wasn't much
I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch
I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you
And even though it all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah." I finally finished.
"Thank-you." Madison whispered, eyes still closed.
"Liam," Said Danielle, standing up and approaching me. She put her hands on my shoulders. "I'm taking Madison back. The judge already agreed. Its been less then 24 hours and you're already an unfit father. I'm sorry." Even though I'd known this was coming, it still came as a shock. I immediately felt the tears well up into my eyes and my chest constrict, as if a belt was wrapped around me and tightened as much as possible.
"Danielle, I'm sorry, I love you. I know I've made so many mistakes, uncountable mistakes, but I didn't remember she was allergic, I just wanted to make her a smoothie, little girls love smoothies and they need nutricion, Danielle, please give me another chance I swear this won't happen again," I pleaded.
"You're right, it won't happen again. Because you're not getting another chance."
*
I drove down the road, not able to control my emotions anymore. I wanted to be a good father. I wanted a life with Danielle and Max and Madison and Megan, who I'll never get the chance to know. I don't want Sophia, or Olivia, I just want my family. My girl and my babies. They're my people. I always used to be able to turn to Danielle, for literally anything.
Advice on styles, a funny joke on a bad day, a good kiss when I was feeling like shit. I know not a single person out there probably gives a single shit about me anymore. I've ruined my life. I've messed everything up. I wish I could make a formal apology to everyone who had to witness me as a father. I'm horrible. I'm absolutely horrible.
I don't even know where I'm driving, I just don't want to be anywhere near London. I need a break. I need to calm down. But how can I calm down in a time like this?
The moment I found out Danielle had Max I wanted to be in his life. Then when there was Madison, I was even more excited. Two kids. Lovely. Two lovely little children for Danielle and I to raise into lovely young people. Both those children were my babies, biologically or not. Somewhere along the way I managed to mess everything up.
Oh yes, it was the day after I proposed to Danielle and then Simon told me I had to go back to Soph. Then when we came home, I had to yell and Danielle to get her to agree to have a wedding between February and September, because Simon was going to make me leave Danielle in September.
Then he made me take Sophia to the Brit Awards instead of Danielle, so I had to get Perrie and Violet to distract Dani for the night which ended up backfiring majorly.
Then Danielle found out she was pregnant again. With Megan. I felt so much joy in was unbearable. I wanted to sing to the skies, I was so thrilled. But Danielle told me she was going to abort Megan. I snapped and told her that if she aborted the baby that we would be over forever.
And I blew it. Then when she had the baby, I didn't believe her because I'm an asshole sent from hell. It's not my fault she told me she was aborting the baby, I didn't know.
I tried to control my shaky and uneven breathes as I drove out of town. The leaves were orange and yellow and red, and the sky was grey. Typical fall weather. Though gloomy, it was beautiful. I stared at the beauty. I would love to take my family out here for a picnic. Its lovely and fun, and we could bring cocoa.
But they're not my family. They don't want to be my family. They don't love me. I just wish I could apologize to them for everything I put them through.
I reached over to my right to cup holder, and took out my clear plastic water-bottle. I lifted it to my mouth, and used my teeth to unscrew the cap. I spit the cap to the ground and took some sips of the cold water. I put it back in the black foamy holder, and peeked down at the ground for the cap. When my eyes found it, I took my eyes away from the road to pick it up. I bent down, and felt around for it.
I felt it between my fingers, and sat back up. I looked away from the road once more to put the cap back on the water bottle.
I looked back at the road. Just in time to see a black pick-up truck come straight for me. I immediately swerved, realizing I was in the wrong lane. But it was too late. The truck smashed into the front of my car, and that's the last thing I remember before blacking out.
Been so busy lately.
Took up snowboarding!
Went for the 2nd time ever on Friday, and wiped out, spraining my knee pretty badly. They had to call an ambulance and they gave me giggle-gas to numb the pain and it hurt so freaking badly. Now I have crutches -.- Worst part, is that the guy I like works at the ski hill and had to witness me crying and laughing like crazy on the giggle gas #fail
Love u all tho
QOTD: Liam ok?
-A xoxo