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haa*
I sigh.
My butler glanced at me.
I guess it couldn't be help at this point, because after all, this is already my sixth time sighing like this.
It's not like I'm bored or anything.
It's just,
'i don't know what to do anymore...'
seem like I'm bored, isn't it?
no no no... really not...
i just don't know what to make out of all of this.
i already investigated everything urgently enough.
And find out mostly what I can... and now...
'what kind of thing that I can do with this shit life??'
I don't know anymore what can i do.
What is already set is not something that i can change.
Likewise, to answer my other question would take much time and effort. And It's not like i didn't do so at all... I did.
Every day i did... but, we got 24 hours a day.
You can't expect me to do that shit for the whole day right?
I'm tired too you know.
That's why,
'haa... now what?? just what else shit that i should do??'
Any suggestion? was not something that i could ask those puppet people (my subordinates).
'if i ask... they will turn crazy again...'
i already try to ask them about my curiosity at the earlier hours.
However, there's nothing much that i gain.
'so... here i am...'
outside my house, near the garden, inside the gazebo, during afternoon tea time.
I sit here sipping coffee and eating some snacks that my maid prepares.
Behind me, two knights were guarding me and near my right side was Mr. Might.
'i can't taste shit anymore...haa...'
crunch*
Thought me while still chewing on my food.
i already eat a lot to the point that i can't tell anymore whether this food is tasty or not.
But still, i did so because i can't find anything to do anymore.
slurp*
Next, i drink this coffee again.
It's already my third glass.
'aweeck*... it's bitter and bland...'
I don't really like bitter drinks but, most people of this world like to drink coffee like this,
Bland and bitter. No sugar.
'...though... they did prepare the sugar for me...'
My eyes glance towards the sugar on the table.
I wish to put it inside my drink so much but,
As i was always be forced to drink this everything my puppet mode is on, i become used to it.
'so... right now in my mind... to be honest... i just say this to complain...'
After all, whining about what can't be changed is my joy as a puppet.
'-so please, do bear with me oh dear audience...'
haa*
I sighed again.
This situation is really bad for my mental health.
Because i can only express myself inside my head, my thought keeps leaning towards that crazy mind theatrical shit.
Though nobody hears or see me like that, i felt ashamed.
insert crying expression inside my mind*
'hukhukhuk....somebody please save me!!'
Every day i think my mental bar keeps on falling and falling to shit.
I might become insane!!
insert me biting off a handkerchief*
"i wish to die"
mutter me unconsciously.
My surrounding people flinched to that unexpected remark.
i ignore them all.
As long as they didn't ask me beforehand, there's no use for me to speak to them first. I don't want everything to reset again after all.
'haa.. but still... i can still converse to them as long as there's no question escape from my mouth...'
however,
Just what should i say?
'haa... whatever... just say whatever is fine, right?? as long as i can stop this damn moment...'
or so i thought as i keep contemplating on what more to speak.
My mouth opens up and close a few times before finally, i found myself saying something.
"I want to die..."
I taste the water,
I wish to see their reaction more.
Just now the reaction is from my muttering, so, what if I say this loud and clear?
Just what will they do?
Glance me to my side while still sipping my coffee.
"Milord..."
My butler moves closer to me as he calls me.
I turn my head towards him while putting down my cup.
clack*
the sound of my cup hit the table.
my butler lips part away again.
"Please excuse my interruption.."
He bows to me for pardon as he suddenly interrupts me just now.
I wave my hand dismissing his unnecessary polite behavior.
"keep going..."
i allow him to speak more.
'just what would you say?'
my inside smirk to hear his next words.
Might continue,
"yes, milord...."
"...."
"Just why would you want to die, milord?"
Might ask as he no longer bows towards me.
I watch him with a slight smirk.
'i did it...'
I manage to make him ask me.
And now, it's my turn to speak.
"everyone would be happy if a villain like me die..."
Says me, pointing my index finger towards myself.
Stunned*
All my subordinates around me were stunned to hear my statement.
I watch each of them.
Their eyes show fear and sweat started forming on their forehead.
Although perhaps for them it's all true, it still shocking to hear it from the owner itself.
That's why they can't help but show me such reaction.
haha*
I chuckle quietly seeing them.
'how honest...'
Their reaction didn't show any spec of lies.
It was such an honest reaction ever,
however, it was still bitter to see it myself.
'i guess... i can only blame myself for all of this...;
resign me.
My chuckle already stop a second ago and my stare turns toward Might who's showing the least reaction.
'he's trying hard...'
trying so hard to not offend me.
But it's fine.
At this point, there's nothing that will hurt me more.
"milord... how will we live without you??"
My thought pause to that retortion.
i observe Might.
His expression was serious like he was hurt.
My facial frown seeing it.
'how would you live?? without me??'
My mind questioned it.
'right...'
That's was a type of question that i never thought about.
All i ever think about was myself.
I never think about what would happen to others.
For me, they are all just a puppet.
Puppet without a true emotion or human traits.
So why would i care about them?
Why would i need to think about what would happen to them someday?
For sure, for a puppet like them, that 'something' out there would already set them their specific fate.
And for me too, i would already have my own fate.
It just, our differentiation is, I have self-awareness unlike them.
And for me who had it, whatever fate waiting for me at the end of this life,
'either way.... my life will be miserable...'
It's better if i didn't know anything like them,
but now that i know about how shitty my life is,
what else can i do except accept it?
because after all, though i had awareness, the fact that I'm just a puppet is still the same.
I can't change that.
I can't do anything.
I can just watch my life crumble and at the end perhaps, like any other puppet or doll in this world...
I will be thrown away or destroyed forever.
And that's... was the end that perhaps... i need to see it with my own self-awareness and emotion... unlike those other puppets.
'haa... how depressing...'
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To be continued.