A/N: I didn't expect that I'll be returning to the world of DEAD RECKONING once again. This is an honest statement; since this is an UNINTENTIONAL chapter. But due to a rather public demand, here we are with "ALL OVER AGAIN". First of all, this is not a continuation of the story since, as I've always said, the story for Goyo and the Reader ends with DR already. And bonus chapters will be in between and the like. So, guess what is another publicly demanded story to be written? Continue to find out more!
Before proceeding with the actual story, let me explain the title. It is just a coincidence that it had been "that"; since it is actually a line from a beautiful song. You can listen to it as it became the inspiration for this chapter: AGAIN by Dominique Simon. Because there are lines on this chapter that is the lyrics from her song. :) <3
Once again, thank you for reading DR! For those who've been with DR since the start and for those who've unearthed this rambling of a story during my ups and downs with flying, thank you from the bottom of my heart. Happy third anniversary as well for my first solo flight, and forgive me for shamelessly posting a key moment below. (This day is still the most important, happiest and proudest chapter of my life as a pilot, and DR, sorry, is secondary for today. But DR helped me grow as a writer, too. And also, at the time of this chapter's update—around 0900H—was also the time that I've completed my first solo flight.)
By the way, this is also the longest chapter I've ever written for Dead Reckoning. :>
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DEDICATED TO ALL OF YOU!
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SUMMARY: It had been months since the deafening silence had settled at Dagupan, and Goyo became known to be courting the beautiful maiden Remedios. That was supposed to be the fairytale story between the main characters of the play. But what had led for Goyo to be the star-crossed lover of another, which just begun with a dance? Was that really the starting point?
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Everyday feels like a whole new way
To feel the way I miss you
The feeling's strange gotta start all over again
With this never ending feeling of regret
Goyo is confident of his skills with leadership, strategies and warfare; this is something that he is proud of for him to achieve such distinction and title as one of the youngest generals of the Philippine Revolutionary Army. Rebelling had been a part of his bloodline, as well as being charming. Especially in regards to women.
Everywhere he goes, the young ladies fan over him like crazy. There are some who keep themselves demure but the spark on their eyes and the interest in their flirty voices are enough to prove that they've fallen with his charms.
However, there's a certain Pendejo who seems to allude all of it. And that makes him irritated, and becomes some sort of unspoken and undecided mission to make her see him.
But as the years passed, battle after battle, he seems to meet his match through her. That in times that she'll be gone, he'll be quite too paranoid of not seeing her. And in times that she'll be within his circle, he'll still be too concerned about her well-being... and who she'll be with.
The puppy that clings on her arms and lap right now seems to enjoy her company. And as Goyo listens to what she is saying about a "world" that he predicts could only exist inside her head as a dream or be the real thing, he can't help deducing that he had been worried about some nonsense.
For this Pendejo, despite being surrounded by countless people, still speaks as if she is all alone. The very reason, that in a middle of a party, he finds her here all alone. As if she wants to disappear.
Well, could he let her?
Hope the feeling's mutual
Hope you lie in bed at night
Thinkin' bout us
And how we'd hold each other
He didn't know where and when it begin, and as the moment stands, he also didn't know where and when it will end. As of now, he finds himself in such a stalemate—a loop—of emotions that he is both embarrassed and scared to admit. Not only for the world to know, but also for him to assure himself of.
Love had always been a trivial thing for him.
True, he has countless strings of lovers. None of them, he knows, hadn't been like this. Those are the times that are way too casual just because he is charismatic, and the ladies fan over such charming personality—if ever not a prince charming, but a knight in shining armor astride his magnificent white stallion.
However, Goyo also knows that this swirling feelings within him, whenever it involves this respective Pendejo, is something he understands should not be buried deep for his alone. He knows, at least, that anyone with better eyes will know that, perhaps, what he knows of the matters of the heart is just the surface. And now that someone is there to join hands with him in exploring its depths, he is just gathering all his courage to dare the dive.
With one look in your eyes I'd fall
All over
Again
Again
"Gusto mo bang bumalik?" He can't help not to stop himself from asking. He can't help to stop himself from looking at her, too.
She is wearing the blue ensemble that he chose himself. It costs him his money just to find the perfect seamstress for the dress, and also to hasten the poor artisan for an already commissioned hairclip that will match her attire. He didn't mind all of the money and efforts that he had spent to make her a beauty than a Pendejo. But, right at this moment, his train of thoughts are still elsewhere.
Kahit anong pilit mo na hindi siya magmukhang Pendejo, Pendejo pa rin talaga, he ponders.
But the heaviness of their conversation, expecting to be lulled from reality, cut through him like a sharp knife when she nods at his inquiry.
Of course, there's a distant place that she will consider to be home. For him who had been far away from Bulacan for a long time, still considers it as his home; but he isn't like a child who'll cry and long for it every second. Don't get him wrong: He wants the war to end and settle there. However, as matters stand, he still finds console and relief just being with his troops, and, even though he will not admit it, with Pendejo; because sometimes, home is not literally a place, but a person.
This feelin' is alien to me
Gotta keep, gotta keep praying
That I'll get the peace of mind that I'm craving
And end this never ending feeling of regret
Goyo forces himself to smile, continuing with his teasing of her. "Sa totoo lang, nagtataka ako sa mundo mo. Minsan, napapaisip ako... na gusto kong makita 'yong klase ng mundo kung saan ang isang pendejo na kagaya mo ay nakakapamuhay ng maayos."
"Hmph! Tigilan mo nga iyan! Masasabi ko lang sa iyo na mas madaming lalaki ang gaya mo sa mundo ko," she answers harshly in defense.
He gasps sharply; her words hurting him deeply that a person as him, who've been denying again and again to have idiotic feeings for this Pendejo, is not unique. That there are others who are trying to court Pendejo.
"Babaero," she adds.
He stares back, blinking once in quite a surprise that that is the type of man she mentions to be prominent from where she comes from... and not a long line of potential suitors. "Teka nga lang. Anong sinasabi mong babaero diyan? Hindi ako babaero, ano?"
She snickers before turning to the puppy and lifts it to his direction, "Pero kumpara sa iyo na ayaw sa aso, madami ang may alaga ng aso." Her smile brightens, turning this bickering of a tease against him. "Simula ngayon, ang pangalan niya ay 'Goyo'."
Hope the feeling's mutual
Hope you lie in bed at night
Thinkin' bout us
And how we'd hold each other
When he first met Pendejo, he can swear that he hated her guts. On how weak and incapable she is with everything. But now, it is all different. And he first thought that it is because she had changed for him to like or that his perception of an ideal woman did. However, he realizes now that it is neither. That what actually had changed is time.
Time didn't make him the young general he is now. Time didn't make him follow the President on this road. Time didn't make him what Manuel accused him of as a henchman.
The same way that time didn't make Pendejo less stupid, less childish, and less of herself.
Time just flows passed them; and it is that alone that lead them here. Whatever choices that are made up to this point are no different from who they are. Some things just... blossom.
With one look in your eyes I'd fall
All over
Again
Again
Goyo stares down at the puppy and gulps in hard with a strained smile. "Bakit mo ipapangalan ang aso sa akin, ha?"
"Bakit? Anong masama? At hindi ba totoo?" Pendejo turns to the puppy, cooing and laughing as if she had been holding a baby instead. A flash of an uncertain and untold future makes him be cautious of how deep this growing infatuation of his towards her is starting to be. "Ano, Goyo?"
He is a man, of course; and he understands those manly desires and urges. He heard his soldiers talk about it; and he didn't need to search for more when even Julian and their closest friends also discuss matters as it is. He might even say that despite his connections with young ladies, he hadn't thought of getting way overboard and considers such moments as fleeing with no strong emotions. But now, he is guilty of even imagining a slight chance of vision with such a pendejo for a woman.
"Dahil ba..." He sighs heavily as he brushes his hair with his fingers, trying to calm himself down. "...sa mga kinakausap ko na mga babae?"
Pendejo didn't answer at once at that and just stare down at the puppy. "Kung talagang liniligawan mo si Remedios, dapat sa kanya ka lang nakatingin. Kung may ibang babae tapos nandoon siya, sa kanya lang dapat ang atensyon mo. Ganoon. Huwag mong hayaang may ibang isipin ang ibang babae dahil talagang magmumukha ka lamang na babaero." Her voice is slowly trailing to almost a whisper as she adds, turning then to look at the dark horizon of the sea, "Isipin mo na lamang kung anong mararamdaman ni Remedios kapag nalaman niya na ikaw ang namili ng damit ko tapos sinabihan mo pa sila Isidro na bantayan ako."
I'm holding onto a lost cause
Making you so much more than you are
Putting all my happiness on one thing
I've got to stop this feeling
Ganoon ba ang iniisip niya? Na sa pakikipag-usap at pakikipagkita ko kay Remedios ay liniligawan ko ang binibini?
Goyo, true, has a fair share with women; but he is starting to stress over such that what other ladies thought of his actions matters. All of this had been foreign. Completely. But that make him think if everything going on is for the best... and is it only him who is hurting?
"Aba..." With a smug look, protective of his pride, he remarks, "Ginawa ko lang naman iyon dahil gusto ni Kuya na makadalo ka sa pista, tapos hindi siya marunong mamili ng nararapat na damit. Tapos, 'yong kala Isidro, hindi ko inaakala na talagang may magtatangkang alukin ka ng sayaw."
He is lying.
Julian is eager to pick a dress for Pendejo, and Julian, being who he is, knows how to poke his younger brother's sensitive and jealous heart. His brother asks for his help for such a task that after a series of dresses that he denotes to be an attire that will be a laughingstock of everyone (though Goyo actually thinks that Pendejo will basically not be able to hide her beauty whatever she wears), finally concedes and chooses what he believes to be the best fit. A blue dress; just like everything that Goyo likes—the sky, the sea, the image of the Virgin, and the color's meaningful relation with peace, tranquility, pure and noble.
And he knows that, if he himself, a man who had tried to deny his feelings for years, had caught her attention, there is no doubt that many will, too. In a party where everyone is dressed on their bests, and for him who continues to keep his heart close, there will surely be too many who'll be interested of her. He never worries of her failing or make a mistake in the presence of others... it is just that he wants to assure his own prideful heart.
"Hmph!" She pouts. "Magpaliwanag ka na lamang kay Goyo."
Hope the feeling's matual
Hope you lie in bed at night
Thinkin' bout us
And how we'd hold each other
It is true that Pendejo makes him question too many things about himself; most of it had been his choices, but never his emotions. But he is truly captivated by such bright light that she radiates, and he feels more like the darkness that tries to corrupt the night but will shy away in fear of the warmth.
"Hay naku," Goyo sighs another time. He cautiously reaches a hand to touch the puppy; but, before he can even make contact, it jumps away from Pendejo's arms and runs off.
She breathes out heavily. "Tapos ngayon tinakot mo pa si Goyo lalo."
He pulls his hand away and bites his lower lip in defeat, staring at the distant horizon this time. "Baka ayaw niya lang sa akin."
Tahol, Goyo. Tahol.
Manuel Bernal's last words echo inside his head another time.
He closes his shaking hands into tight fists at once.
"Pero, sa lahat-lahat," she begins a few seconds later. "Salamat pa rin."
"Huh?" The tremor dissipates all of a sudden, pulling him back to reality of where he is and who he is with right now. He turns his attention to her, thankful of her presence before the shadows creep to swallow him whole again.
Pendejo shyly looks down on her dress, brushing the expensive fabric. "Dahil talagang maganda ang pinili mong damit kahit hindi naman mukhang bagay sa akin. Tapos, kung hindi dahil kay Isidro, baka kung ano na ang tinangka no'ng lalaki na iyon."
Goyo isn't able to hide his amusement—on how charmed he was of a pendejo as her—so he chuckles as he stands, all the while brushing the sand from his apparel. After all his efforts, and despite her vocal appreciation, he is in search of another that he gracefully bows at her and offers a hand. "Matatanggap ko lamang ang salamat mo kung pahihintulutan mo akong isayaw ka."
With one look in your eyes I'd fall
All over
Again
Asking her for a dance isn't an impulse idea. Not a payment that he knows she'll easily accept and tolerate. He always has the intention, but never had the right opportunity and reason to do so.
After all, dancing can be equivalent to interest and courtship. Most sensitive and intimate discussions are converse through such short moment; straight to the point discussions that can have double meanings but can bear fruit with how the other reacts.
The dance with Remedios earlier is of courtesy, nothing more. To be honest, the young woman had been patient and understanding. It had been him who, despite his flowery words, continue shifting his eyes to somewhere—someone—else. It's as if his words are being delivered to the person at the other side of the room, dancing as well after being saved as he had ordered to.
Pendejo scoffs, "Mag-isa ka."
"Nakasayaw mo nga si Isidro kanina. At mas magaling ako magturo kaysa sa kanya, ano." He becomes much more insistent this time. "Dali na."
"Ayaw ko nga. Ang kulit ha."
"Bakit ayaw mo? Imposible na walang dahilan."
"Ayaw kong mapatungan ang masaya mong gabi na nagawa mong maisayaw si Remedios. At sapat na ang isang tugtugin kanina para sa akin upang makasayaw."
His brows furrow at the mention of their individual situations from earlier. "Anong kinalaman na naman ni Binibining Nable-Jose tungkol dito? Sinabi na nga na hindi ko matatanggap ang pasasalamat mo kung hindi ka papayag na maisayaw kita." An idea crosses his mind again, eager to tease her. "Kung hindi... 'wag kang magagalit sa kung anong ipapagawa ko sa iyo."
She presses her lips to a straight line, awaiting judgment as she looks up at him.
"Ngayon ay kinukuha ko na ang pinahiram namin na damit sa iyo," he states with a smug look on his face.
Pendejo flushes red like a tomato. Very visible with how the moonlight illuminates her features softly.
He will continue asking himself what he had seen out of her, but there is no longer any point questioning that he is starting to explore the depth of his own emotions. And her next actions surprise him, as always.
Not removing her gaze from his own, as if she had already processed what he is asking of her, she stands on her own and kicks off her matching blue footwear to the sea. If not gracefully done, but in a truly pendejo way.
Goyo watches the water that kisses the shore takes away the pair of shoes. He is honestly surprised that he didn't come running to retrieve those. "Alam mo ba kung magkano ang mga iyon?"
"At alam mo ba na masakit sa paa na sumayaw habang suot-suot ang mga iyon?" she retorts back.
Hope the feeling's mutual
Hope you lie in bed at night
Thinkin' bout us
And how we'd hold each other
She had always been fearless, reckless and independent. No law or word can bind her to the earth. And those are just few comments about her that continue to make Goyo, a young and celebrated general as himself, speechless and dumbfound. And captivated.
Young women flock around him, yes. Aside for her. Though she is just like them who tries to befriend him at the start, and he just suddenly opened and warmed up with her as time passed.
His troops try to perform, despite being under pressure, based on his standards, true. Aside for her. Though she is clumsy, most of her praiseworthy actions are when her adrenaline is alive.
In short, he had always watch her. He sees her watching and listening to him. And just as he is drawn to her, he can't help but mirror her, too. That before he knows it, he is also watching and listening to her.
With one look in your eyes I'd fall
All over
Again
Goyo places his hands by his hips. "Hindi mo naman kailangan na itapon ang mga iyon sa dagat basta-basta lamang. Alam mo naman na medyo mabato ang daan patungo sa ating tinutuluyan mula rito."
"Sino ba itong nagyaya na isayaw ako, tapos hindi magawang panindigan na masakit sa paa ang mga iyon?" She pouts and waves a hand for him to draw closer. "'Lika na rito. Sinasabi ko lamang sa iyo na 'wag kang umasa na magaling akong sumayaw. Hindi ako si Remedios."
He sighs heavily and takes a step forward and position their hands to where they are supposed to be. When he places a hand on her back, he hears her sucking a breath as their bodies press against one another. He slowly looks down at her, suddenly realizing at once how small and fragile she is being caged this way with his body; and gulps in hard to suppress such thoughts. "Malilintikan ka sa akin kapag tinapakan mo ako sa paa."
She looks up at him with a deadpan face and intentionally steps on his foot.
"Tsk... Kakasabi lang..."
Pendejo grins and steps on his other foot as she grasps for him much tightly. She didn't let go, nor him, and balances herself on his feet. "Sinadya ko na gawin para wala ka na masabi pa."
Doing so lead for Goyo to also tighten his hold of hers, and now, all that separates their flushed skins from making contact had been their clothes. Both of them seems aware of it, but neither bring up a word about it. And slowly, with the waves becoming some sort of a melody, he initiates the first step of a sway and whispers, "Pagkatapos ko pakintabing mabuti ang mga sapatos ko... tatapakan mo lang."
She giggles. "Madali lang pakintabin ang mga iyan ulit. Nadumihan na lang din naman ulit noong mabasa kanina ng tubig-dagat kaya ginamit ko na rin ang oportunidad na iyon." She smiles contently and suggests, "Ako na lang ang maglilinis at magpapakintab ulit ng mga sapatos mo. Iyon na lang ang parusa ko sa pagtapak sa iyong mga maluwalhating paa."
He raises an eyebrow at her words.
Kung alam mo lang kung ano—sino—ang mas nakakabighaning tawaging 'maluwalhati'...
Goyo scoffs. "Kung ganoon, pinapalagpas ko na ang pagtapak mo sa aking mga paa. At sa pagtapon mo sa binili kong mga pangyapak para sa iyo, dahil nararapat lamang na itapon ang mga iyon kung nagbibigay pasakit ang mga iyon kaysa maging komportable ka. At dahil naging sobra-sobra na rin ang pagpuri mo sa akin, hindi ko hahayaang masaktan pa lalo ang iyong mga paa pabalik sa ating tinutuluyan."
Pendejo chuckles. She allows herself to be swayed and danced throughout the night, and be enveloped with his warmth and scent. "Maraming salamat, Heneral Goyo."
Hope the feeling's mutual
Hope you lie in bed at night
Thinkin' bout us
And how we'd hold each other
Pendejo... (Y/N), hindi ko alam kung kailan ikaw ang naging pamantayan ko pagdating sa lahat ng bagay.
They say that people are helpless and hopeless in love. And Goyo is no different.
"Goyo," he hears her murmur as their dance slowly comes to a halt, and she stares at him intently. "Kung nakikita mo lamang ang nakikita ko ngayon sa iyo..."
He laughs a little and releases her hand, pressing then his own against her cheek as he leans closer to her. "'Wag ka mag-alala. Sapat at masaya na ako sa nakikita ko ngayon."
With one look in your eyes I'd fall
All over...
Truly, love makes people see the world in its beauty. Lovers are content and happy with simply seeing one another; no longer in need of explanation for how deep their love runs.
However, for Goyo and his Pendejo, it is only a what if. Because after she expresses her gratitude to him, silence had enveloped them. No other words are spoken between them; except for the underlying emotions that both of their gazes are screaming at one another.
If you can see what I see of you right now...
I am happy with my view.
Perhaps in another life. In another time. In another chance.
All over again.