"I didn't want to wake up. I was having a much better time asleep. And that's really sad. It was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from a nightmare you're so relieved. I woke up into a nightmare." ~ Ned Vizzini
Overview
Two days after Melanie had awakened in hospital to the devastating news that she'd lost her child, she was discharged and free to leave the city that had ruined her life. And self-belief.
She half-heartedly dressed in the clothes from her go-bag Beth had brought from the hotel; the clothes she wore being sadly baggy due to their maternity largeness and the absence of her prominent bump. Now, her stomach was bloated, but no longer holding the baby she'd grown to adore.
After their breakdown together; Spencer and Melanie hadn't really said much to each other at all. He'd held her hand and she'd watch him sleep but that didn't mean she'd felt calm enough to sleep herself.
She couldn't believe that she didn't immediately realise the inherent absence of her baby inside of her when she'd initially awoken.
Spencer had tried to tell her that it was impossible for her to realise such a thing when she'd been writhing in pain when she'd initially awoken, but she'd silenced him with the fact that he wasn't there when she'd awoken; so how did he know she was in pain?
That was the last thing they'd said to each other.
The jet was silent as Beth, Aaron and Spencer slept and Melanie stared out of the window; wrapped in her own and Spencer's hoodie. She longed to rewind a few days, just so she could treasure the life growing inside of her one last time.
*
When they landed, Beth and Aaron had no idea of what to do.
Should they take the grieving couple home and look after them themselves?
Or should they drop them off at their apartment to grieve together and maybe even communicate in one way or another.
"I think it's best to let them deal with this in their own way, Beth." Aaron said carefully, sweeping his eyes to the couple as they put their bags in the trunk of one of the SUVs.
"You mean we just drop them off at the side of the road, forget this ever happened and move on with our own lives?" She asked, astonished.
"No, I don't mean that at all. They've been surrounded by people since this happened. They need to be alone to sort themselves out... on their own." Beth sighed, clearly uncomfortable with this idea but nevertheless nodded her head.
Aaron gave her a reassuring smile, knowing that this wasn't easy but appreciating her support all the same.
The journey was short and silent; both Melanie and Spencer gazing out their back windows thoughtfully with glazed eyes.
Aaron didn't know what to say, and Beth didn't think it was appropriate to break such a thoughtful silence.
"If you need anything," She said with a hand on Melanie's face, another on her shoulder. "You just call me okay, I'll be there in a heartbeat."
"Okay." She said in a quiet voice. the mere sound of it tugged on Beth's heartstrings.
She leaned forward and gave Melanie a comforting hug, her nails digging into Beth's back as she desperately clung to the motherly woman keeping her safe.
"Thank you." Spencer said in a timid voice as he and Melanie made their way to the front door.
Beth watched them from the sidewalk, watching tearfully as they entered the apartment block sadly; their faces pale and distraught.
Aaron wound an arm around Beth's shoulder comfortingly and she leaned into him, tears pooling in her eyes as she emotionally said,
"What're we going to do Aaron?"
"Be there for them." Is all he said.
The Daughter
Spencer unlocked the front door and let us both inside the cool apartment.
It was like stepping inside a time machine, taking us back to a whole other life.
I say this because there was a flat-pack box containing a baby crib laid out on the floor next to the bookcase; boxes of packed furniture and objects from the bedroom which we'd cleared out to make room for the baby things scattered around the living room; a box of neutral hand-me-downs from JJ and Will sat on the sofa; and a flat-pack box containing a baby changing unit sat against the sofa.
The life we had when we'd bought these things and worked in this way seemed completely different to the one we were in now.
We'd left Virginia and gone to Texas completely different people to the people we were when we came back. And that was scary. How could two days change your life so drastically?
I closed the door behind me and swept past Spencer into the kitchen to have some water before remembering I didn't need to care about what I ate or drank anymore.
I turned on the pot and went back into the living room to find Spencer stood staring at all of the things around the room, frozen to the spot where I'd left him.
I opened my mouth to break the sad and tense silence but was interrupted with a knock on the door.
Spencer was still frozen and so with a groan, I pulled the door open to find the neighbour holding a large white box.
"Hey there Melanie, I saw that you and Spencer were back and thought I'd pop in to give you this. You weren't home so I took it in for you." He said with a happy smile, gesturing to the box in his hand.
On the side, there was a picture of a baby bottle steriliser.
Tears filled my eyes and my voice got stuck in my throat.
"I uh..." The neighbour clearly didn't know what to say as I stood staring at the box tearfully. As if on cue he seemed to realise how loose my clothes were fitting and the inherent absence of my once round baby bump.
"Melanie I uh... I don't know what to say. I'm so sorry that this is such a bad time... Do you uh... Want me to-" He didn't get finishing his sentence as Spencer came up behind me and closed the door.
I felt as though I couldn't move; as if my entire being was solely to stand there, silently staring tearfully.
Spencer guided me by my shoulders into the bedroom and forced me to sit down on the bed, standing there awkwardly watching as I tilted to the side and lay down, curling in on myself.
I didn't care if he stood staring, watching; or if he got on the bed beside me; or if he left the room. I wasn't aware nor did I care about anything around me.
I was frozen again, and I couldn't figure out how to thaw.
The Doctor
For three days Melanie and I barely spoke.
We let our phones go to voicemail; ignored the knocks on the door from our friends and family and neighbours; only opening the door to the delivery men who'd arrived to take back the baby furniture we'd so happily purchased mere weeks ago.
Everything seemed surreal and we felt trapped. Well, I did anyway.
I barely ate, living off of coffee similar to Melanie. I could barely even think of her name without choking on a fit of involuntary sobs. The tears had stopped at least, but that didn't keep the emotion from suffocating me.
We generally kept to ourselves. I stayed on the couch, waking up when the sky was still dark to the sound of Melanie sobbing or myself choking on the sweaty tears from my own nightmares.
It was easier to stay awake.
As for Melanie she never came out of the bedroom. I'd take her coffee or she'd slip out to the bathroom but she never left the bedroom for anything else.
A whole week after the miscarriage, we ran out of coffee.
I peered out the tiny gap in the curtain, knowing I'd have to leave the apartment at some point, just reluctant as to when.
Nevertheless, I threw a coat on over my pyjamas and ventured out to the shop across the road, paying a small fortune for a bag of coffee and some milk.
Thankfully there was no Hotch or Morgan staking out the apartment, no triggers on the front door alerting Garcia to my departure.
Therefore, I made it out and in, in mere minutes, back in the comforts of the apartment five whole minutes after I'd left.
I made a fresh pot of coffee and settled back on the armchair, allowing the remainder of the day to slip away blissfully ignorantly.
I wasn't entirely aware of the time, or the darkness engulfing me, not until Melanie came out of the bedroom.
Her footsteps were staggered, her breathing heavy, short and grunting giggles under her breath as she approached me.
When she wound her arms around my neck, it felt as though my heart stuttered to a weary stop. I didn't need to look at her to know her eyes were bloodshot, I could smell the wine from here.
"Where'd you get the wine from?" I asked in a horrible voice, thick from four days of dormancy.
"Does it matter?" She slurred and then giggled, dropping herself over the arm of the chair into my lap.
"Melanie what're you doing?" I asked uncomfortably as she straddled my lap and reached down between our legs to my pyjama pants.
"We lost one baby, who's to say we'd lose another?" She smirked and then hiccuped.
I lifted my eyes to hers and sure as fate they were bloodshot, the whites turned yellow, the skin puffy red with dark circles underneath.
"No Melanie," I said bluntly, setting my empty coffee cup on the floor next to the chair.
"We didn't lose anything. You did." I forced her from my lap and got to my feet, storming inside the bathroom, slamming the door behind me.
The Daughter
The following morning I awoke shrivelled up on the armchair and I frowned in confusion as I failed to gather a recollection of how I'd managed to get into that position the previous night.
I groaned and rubbed my eye, listening as Spencer moved around in the kitchen, the sound of the washing machine whirring in the background before he crossed through the living room to the bathroom.
Peering over the back of the armchair I sat up and listened as I heard him turning on the taps in the bath. Frowning further I realised my head was aching due to the sun streaming inside the living room; the curtains opened wide.
I glanced briefly around the room, shielding my eyes and trying hard not to wince as Spencer moved from the bathroom to the bedroom.
He'd moved all of the boxes now and there were no dirty coffee-mugs piled on the table either. He'd tided up.
And was that...?
As I sniffed deeper I gagged at the strong stench of bleach, disinfectant and air-spray.
He'd actually cleaned the whole apartment.
I slowly got up from the chair; my joints popping and my back aching along with my head. I couldn't even inhale without choking on the stench of my wine-soaked breath and pores.
I stank.
I strolled to the bedroom where Spencer had the empty wine-bottles in a trash-bag by the door along with all the used tissues that had piled up over the past few days.
I watched as he brought clean work clothes out of the wardrobe and sat them down on the freshly made bed.
The curtains were wide opened and the smell of bleach and disinfectant was strong in here too.
I hadn't puked or anything so I wondered why he'd felt the need to be so pernickety in here too.
He didn't even acknowledge my presence despite the fact he'd clearly heard me stagger into the doorway, wincing at the brightness in here too.
"What're you doing?" I asked as he gathered his work clothes together.
"What does it look like I'm doing?" He asked in a sharp tone without missing a single beat.
"Getting ready for work." I said shortly.
"That's exactly what I'm doing." He said; looking me dead in the eye before brushing past me roughly.
I followed him all the way to the bathroom where he shut the door in my face.
I stood there for a while; unsure of what to do or say or even feel.
I began pacing the living room; going round in circles.
He was going to work?
Did that mean I should do that too?
Was he ready yet?
Was I ready yet?
No. Hell no.
I'd lost a baby eight days ago, I wasn't ready to go back to work. Where more monsters lay in wait to kill babies and mothers and pregnant women. No.
I'd been raped by a monster. My baby had been taken from me by a monster.
I wasn't about to give any more monsters the chance to ruin me.
By the time I'd decided that no, I wasn't ready for work quite yet, I entered the kitchen and poured myself a strong cup of coffee, wincing at the strength but pouring it down my throat regardless.
I took a couple of aspirin and busied myself with folding the washing and washing my face and tying back my hair.
But all of these actions were just stalls.
As soon as I'd finished one task I'd found myself in front of the bathroom door; my hand half-raised to knock and enter.
All I wanted was to know that what Spencer had said last night hadn't been the truth. Surely he hadn't meant what he'd said.
We'd both lost our child; it wasn't just me. That baby was his too. We were both grieving, not just me.
I paced the hall with tears rolling down my cheeks, thoughts whirring in my mind, listening to the sounds of him washing in the bathroom.
The whole place stunk of cleanliness but he couldn't wash this away. He couldn't sterilise the house and take away the memory of our pregnancy and our baby with it. That's not how it worked.
That wasn't working.
The feeling of carrying our baby inside of me; the foods sh- he craved; the way he made me puke every morning; those were memories still so fresh in my mind; as if I were still carrying him inside of me.
Spencer couldn't just forget about it.
He couldn't.
I needed him; I needed him here with me. Helping me forget too.
As soon as I registered this thought I was inside of the bathroom.
"Melanie!" His shocked voice broke out, the water splashing inside the tub as he moved in surprise.
"Spencer I need you." I choked.
"What?!" He said in surprise; his face freshly shaven; his hair dripping wet to his shoulders.
"I need you Spencer," I said in a strained voice.
"I know that you hate me and you blame me and that's fine because I know it was my fault. I lost our baby and there's nothing I can do to bring him back, but I can't move on without you.
"You're cleaning the house and bathing and going to work but what about me? I'm still stuck here with the memory of our baby living inside of me so... so... so strong it's... it's fucking suffocating me Spencer and I need you."
He looked up at me with tearful eyes as a sob racked my chest; my tears dripping off my chin; my chest rising and falling rapidly.
"I... I need you." I choked quietly when my breathing had relaxed.
"I need you too." He said in a quiet voice and I looked down at my hands, the bitten nails raking against my shaking palms.
More than anything in the world I wanted to feel his arms around me; feel his breath on my cheek and his lips on my forehead. I just needed to know he was here with me.
So I suppose you could say that's how I went from standing by the tub scratching my palms nervously, to climbing into the bathtub fully-clothed on top of a naked Spencer.
There was nothing sexual or sensual about it. It was actually a very emotional, very sad situation.
Because more than anything I wanted him to hold me. And more than anything I knew he wanted me to go.
The water almost spilt over the edge as he protested and asked me what I was doing. I ignored him as I slid onto his body, wrapping my arms under his own and pressing my face against his chest.
"Melanie I... I have to get ready for work." He said, his voice and breath hitching in his throat.
"Just... Just gimme a minute." I insisted; squeezing my eyes closed.
"I really have to get ready Melanie." He tried again.
I breathed him in one last time; the smell of coffee on his breath, the smell of mint from his body-wash and shampoo. He smelled so good as I nodded and pulled my arms back, allowing him to slip out from the tub.
I didn't watch as he wrapped a towel around his waist; gathered his clothes and left.
I just lay there. In the tub. Soaking in my pyjamas, not really caring about anything.
The Leader
"Good morning am I speaking to Supervisory Special Agent Aaron Hotchner?"
"Yes, I am SSA Hotchner. What can I do for you?" I answered my office-phone with a thoughtful expression.
"I'm Director William Folkner from the New York Office. Is it correct that SSA Melanie Hotchner is your daughter?"
My stomach flipped. This was about Melanie?
"That is correct, sir. Is something the matter?"
"Quite the opposite Agent. I've been trying to contact Agent Hotchner for several weeks now, but I don't appear to be having any luck. I'm aware that Agent Hotchner is your daughter and works alongside you in the BAU."
"That's correct sir. I apologise, these past few weeks haven't been easy for Melanie or myself and our team."
"I'm sorry to hear that, Agent. Is there any way I could contact Agent Hotchner? Only I have a private offer for her."
"Unfortunately sir that's not going to be possible. There have been unfortunate circumstances this past week that have meant my daughter has had to take some personal time off. She's unreachable for the foreseeable future. If there's any offer you'd like to make her; as her boss and father I'd be more than happy to pass it along and discuss it with her."
There was no way Melanie was about to be made an offer and didn't know about it. She worked in the New York office for years before joining Interpol and then returning to the Bureau.
She had contacts and connections and there was absolutely no way she wasn't prepared for this offer. Whatever it was.
"Well Agent, I'm trialling a Behavioural Analysis Unit right here in the New York office and I've been made aware from Director Gordon of Quantico that your daughter, Agent Melanie Hotchner, is the right person to front it."
"You're wanting Melanie to front a New York BAU?" I asked in surprise.
"That's correct Agent, your daughter is one of the best, as I'm sure you're aware. She's remarkably good at her job considering her age and I'm extremely keen to draft her here."
"Is this an opportunity, sir, or is this an order?"
"Well, Agent I would like to discuss it with Agent Hotchner beforehand. But I'd like to see this as an opportunity before it can become an order." In other words, it would very soon become an order if Melanie didn't respond.
There were two knocks on my door before Prentiss entered with a grave expression, her thumb pointing down into the bullpen behind her.
"Hotch Spencer's just come back in. To work." Immediately my expression changed and I inclined my head slightly.
"I understand sir, this is an excellent opportunity and I'll be sure to discuss it with Agent Hotchner at the soonest convenience and have her return your calls. Thank you." I ended the call and quickly got to my feet.
"Is everything okay?" Prentiss asked, seeing my grave and anxious expression.
I paused in the doorway of my office; the weight of this entire situation baring down upon me as I watched the team welcome back Spencer who looked well. Considering.
"Melanie's been offered to front the New York BAU." Prentiss' expression completely changed from one of worry to one of surprise in a matter of seconds.
"That's fantastic," She grinned before her expression fell. "Wait a minute, does that mean she'll be leaving?" I sighed and looked down at my cell-phone; a picture of Melanie, Jack and I set as my lock screen.
"I don't know..." I said sadly.
"Hotch this is a great opportunity. We wouldn't want her to miss out. After everything that's happened... Maybe this could be her big break." I sighed and shook my head.
"I know but I'll be losing her all over again. Her miscarriage has already torn us apart enough, I don't want to lose her entirely."
Prentiss reached out and settled a caring hand on my shoulder, smiling sympathetically at me.
"Whatever she decides, we're all here for you, Hotch. And Melanie." I nodded my head, giving her a brief smile.
"Thank you. That means a lot."
"Now c'mon, let's go say hello to your soon-to-be-son-in-law." I chuckled under my breath but it felt forced. Oddly.
"Spencer, what're you doing back so soon?" I questioned as I approached the team alongside Prentiss.
"I think it's about time I got back to it, don't you think?" He said coldly, looking me dead in the eye. Immediately the atmosphere dropped significantly in temperature.
"Uh no, actually," I said defensively. "I don't think it's about time at all. It's only been a week."
"Eight days," He corrected; interrupting me.
"It's been eight days. And I think that's a perfectly reasonable amount of time to grieve somebody you never even met."
We stared at each other angrily; my heart thudding and my hand twitching oddly to the gun in my belt. I wanted to shoot Spencer Reid right in the face for those shockingly cold words.
"Reid..." Morgan said, evidently trying to defuse the situation.
"And what about Melanie?" I snapped the second Spencer looked to Morgan.
"Where's she? Is she ready to be back at work after eight days of grieving the baby she never got the chance to hold let alone meet?"
Slowly Spencer turned his eyes back to me and I gauged his reaction, the coldness in his eyes, the lack of connection or emotion.
"Stop profiling me Hotch," Spencer sighed in a bored voice. "Melanie is at the apartment. And she's fine," I marginally narrowed my eyes, knowing that I'd never stop profiling Spencer.
"Do we have a case?" He snapped at Garcia as her cell-phone bleeped.
Her mouth was already open and when I turned to her she immediately blinked down at her phone.
"Actually... Yeah." She mumbled.
*
"Dave," Rossi turned to me just before leaving the conference room. "I think I'm going to sit this one out," I said thoughtfully; failing to recall a single detail from the briefing Garcia had just given us.
"I'm worried about Melanie," Rossi's eyebrows furrowed. "The Director of the New York office called me this morning and said he's been trying to contact Melanie for weeks now. He wants her to lead the BAU he's starting there."
"He wants her to be Chief?" I nodded my head. "And you think this is a good chance for her to get away and sort herself out?"
"No, I don't," I disagreed.
"I think this is an excellent opportunity, just not at the right time. She needs to give him an answer before he demands her there and she ruins herself by doing it too soon. Spencer's back at work too early and he will slip up. Melanie's home alone and I know something's wrong. She's strong Dave but she's not strong enough to recover from a miscarriage alone." He inclined his head in a nod and sighed as he placed a hand on my shoulder.
"You go be a dad, Aaron," He said in a caring tone. "Melanie needs you more than we do."
*
"You're back early." Beth smiled as I entered the house.
"I'm only home to get changed and then I'm going to see Melanie." I explained.
"Melanie?" She echoed. "D'you want me to come too?" I shook my head and loosened my tie as I made my way upstairs with Beth at my back.
"I think it's important I go see her alone. Spencer's back at work."
"HE'S WHAT?!"
"Yes," I pushed inside the bedroom and crossed to the closet. "He's hostile and detached and cold and angry. God knows what condition Melanie's in if that's what he's been like to live with."
"We all react to things differently though Aaron." She said softly.
"And I appreciate that," I nodded, changing out of my shirt into a t-shirt. "But he was out of line with me this morning. I can't bear to imagine what things he's said to my daughter," I shook my head.
"But I imagine he was far nicer to me," I sighed and pulled on jeans.
"I'm worried about her, Beth. I just want to make sure she's okay. Once I've established that, I'll leave her alone. I just have to be sure."
"There's something you're not telling me..." She said, watching as I habitually placed my gun inside my belt.
I straightened up and sighed before explaining every detail of the phone-call from the Director this morning.
"No," Beth gasped. "No Aaron we can't let her go. She needs us. She needs to be here." I nodded my head.
"And I completely agree," I explained, pulling on sneakers and a jacket. "And that's why she has to know so she can call the Director herself and give him her answer. I can't do it, but she needs to, otherwise, he'll order her there. We can't lose her, Beth."
She was nodding her head worriedly with wide and tearful eyes.
"Well," She said in a thick voice before coughing and approaching me. "You go do what you have to."
*
When I got to the apartment block I parked in the bay right next to Melanie's car where Spencer's had sat mere days ago when Beth and I had brought them home.
Sighing worriedly I climbed out and walked to the front door, slipping in as a neighbour left the building. I climbed the stairs and stopped at the front door, taking a deep breath before knocking.
"Melanie, it's me, dad," I called after she didn't answer. "Sweetheart," I called. "I just want to make sure you're okay," I knocked again but there still wasn't any answer. "Melanie sweetheart open the door, please?!"
Sighing I took a step back to walk away before pondering something in my head.
Shivering and throwing my morals aside I stepped forward again and tried the handle.
Surprisingly enough the door opened under my touch and I took a step inside; a wall of disinfectant and bleach hitting me right in the face as soon as I entered.
"Melanie?!" I called out. "It's only me," I called, closing the door behind me and hearing absolutely nothing in reply.
"It's just dad," I called, peering inside the kitchen to find it spick-and-span.
"Melanie sweetheart?" I called, a rotten feeling building inside my stomach as I walked down the hall to the bedroom; seeing the freshly-made bed and knowing she wasn't in it.
A feeling of dread overwhelmed me as I found the bedroom completely tidy and Melanie-free.
"Melanie?" I called outside the bathroom, knocking on the door thus making it open slightly under my rough touch. "Melanie?" I tried again, pushing it open further and stepping inside.
When there was no reply I pushed the door open completely and turned towards the bath behind the door; seeing my daughter fully-clothed and pale with a bloody hand draped over the tub; dripping blood into a pool on the floor.
"MELANIE!" I cried out in desperation, dialling for an ambulance and dropping to my knees beside the tub, reaching in instinctively and pulling her out of the water slightly into my arms.
"Melanie wake up sweetheart wake up!" I sobbed desperately as she mumbled and moaned in my arms; her whole body ice-cold to touch.
I knew that Spencer shouldn't have left her.
I knew it'd been too soon.
The Hero
We were at the station when he called. We were in Philadelphia and I knew it was bad when his number came up on my cell. I'd been expecting Garcia, but when Hotch called; I knew it had to be urgent.
"Hey Hotch we're just at Philly PD-"
"Where is he?"
"What?"
"Where is Spencer, put him on the phone RIGHT NOW!" His voice barked to me and I jerked the phone away from my ear instinctively, my eyes casting to Reid automatically who was looking away from me bashfully into his coffee cup.
"He's right here, man, hold up..." I turned to glare at Reid as I extended the phone.
"What have you done?" I asked as he glanced the phone.
"N-nothing I don't know what you're talking about." He practically spat.
"You haven't been answering Hotch's calls." I explained, thrusting the phone at him.
We all stood watching, my hands on my hips as Reid nervously licked his lips and put the phone to his ear.
"H-hello?" He stuttered nervously before jerking the phone slightly as Hotch yelled.
Standing next to Reid, I could hear every word.
"You son of a bitch!" Hotch's voice yelled. "You shouldn't have left her! THis is your fault do you hear me! Your fault she's in here!"
I looked at Rossi desperately, but he looked just as confused as me, Reid, and the rest of the team. Hotch was yelling so loudly, we could all hear what was being said.
"Has something happened?" Reid asked timidly, looking up at me bashfully, taking a step back obviously attempting to run away but I leaned forward and caught his arm, shaking my head.
Hotch never yelled. He wasn't the yelling type. He was pissed, really mad pissed, like an-enraged-furious-I'm-going-to-slaughter-you're-entire-family-Unsub mad pissed.
"You're damn right something's happened you bastard. She tried to kill herself after you left her you stupid son of a bitch!"
"What?!" Reid blurted and I looked at Rossi in a panic.
"Do you want me to send you a picture? Melanie, your fiancé, the mother of the child you both lost last-fucking-week, has tried to kill herself by slitting her own fucking wrists."
JJ and Prentiss frantically looked at each other, and for the first time in a long time, I thought I was going to throw up.
"She w-w-what?"
"She's in the hospital right fucking now. They're trying to reconstruct her veins. I swear, when you get back I'm going to fucking kill you Spencer you selfish bastard. This is because of you leaving her-" Spencer hung up the phone and turned to the evidence board behind him.
"So we know he doesn't have a victim preference or-"
"Reid what the Hell man?!" I blurted, interrupting him angrily. "We all heard every word, Melanie's in hospital?"
"...Specific type. And we know it's not sexually or racially motivated-"
"JUST STOP FOR A MINUTE!" I yelled; silencing the entire station and turning Reid roughly with my hands.
"Man you gotta stop!" I demanded. "Your fiancé is currently in hospital because," I dropped my volume respectfully.
"She tried to kill herself," Reid refused to even look at me. "She tried to kill herself man," I repeated to no reaction. "She could've died. She could be dead. Vein reconstruction is risky man."
"It's not my fault," He shrugged. "I didn't put the blade in her hand." I frowned in confusion and pulled back slightly.
"Blade?" I echoed. "What d'you mean blade? How'd you know she done it with a blade? Why not a knife?"
"I-I-I mean it c-could've been anything I-I-I-"
"Oh my god," I shook my head in awe, tears sparking my eyes. "You knew she was gonna do something. You..." I shook my head.
"You son-of-a-bitch." I pulled my arm back and punched Reid hard in the face, Prentiss leaping forward and grabbing me by my arms, pulling me back. "If she dies because of you, you bastard you'll never live it down."
The Leader
I sat by her side with Beth again; watching the monitors bleeping away, scared to touch her hand in case we messed with the healing wounds on her wrists.
It was clear she hadn't eaten since the miscarriage. She was near-skeletal and basically grey. She was jaundice too the doctor said.
The team didn't come off the case. I ordered them not to but apparently, they were a wreck and Reid was the only one actually working.
I hoped he'd never return.
Mel was in theatre for eight hours and asleep for a further thirty. It was evident she hadn't been sleeping either as the doctor insisted after twelve hours she should have awoken. But she was healthy enough considering; she was just sleeping.
She mumbled and winced and whined and cried in her sleep but I ignored the words she said; I couldn't bring myself to listen and hear the devastation in my daughter's voice.
She'd tried to take her own life.
That wasn't something a father could easily forget.
That wasn't something a father ever forgot.
The Daughter
"I'm sorry Melly... I'm so sorry... Please forgive me," His voice was broken; shredded in fact. He sounded so heartbroken and distraught; so close but yet so far.
Was it real?
"I never meant for any of this to happen... I was supposed to protect you... Even if that meant from yourself... I'm so sorry Melly baby I'm so sorry..." He was crying; his warm tears all over my skin.
But... where?
"Oh God I can't do this," He whimpered. "I can't do this Melly I'm so sorry... I-I-I'm not as strong as you are, I-I don't know how to cope with this, I don't know what to do,"
He wasn't as strong as me? I'd taken my own life, hadn't I? In what way was that strong? In what way was that coping?
"Just know that I'm sorry... I never meant to hurt you... I love you, Melly... I always will love you. Even if it doesn't seem like it I will-"
"What the Hell are you doing here?!" My dad's voice was angry and loud. I shrunk away from it; whimpering. I didn't like it when he was angry.
"Get the Hell out before I throw you out myself, don't you dare sit there and act like you care. You have no right to be by her side! It's your fault she's in here!" He yelled and suddenly the warmth and protection I'd felt were gone.
I hadn't realised it before, but the inherent absence then overwhelmed me. And I felt broken again.
Suddenly alarms started screaming and my dad's curses and threats stopped mid-way.
Doctors began shouting commands.
What was happening?
*
It was like I was asleep... because then I was awake.
"D-d-dad?" I mumbled, seeing his worried face staring off sleepily into the distance.
"Melanie?!" He choked, turning to me and seeing my worried eyes.
"Oh thank God!" He leaned forward and hugged me tightly. "I was so worried." He said emotionally in a quiet and low voice; his hand pressed to my face.
"I'm so sorry dad," My voice broke and tears fell from my eyes.
"Shh shh shh darling it's okay," He smiled, shaking his head despite the fact tears pooled in his own eyes as he wiped mine away. "You're still here, with me, that's all that matters."
"Where's Spencer?" I whispered after a brief pause.
Suddenly his whole demeanour changed and my brow furrowed. Had something happened to him?
"Dad?" I whispered when he didn't answer.
"He's on a case. He's not here." He said coldly.
"Did he... Did he c-come see me?" I choked; unsure if I wanted the answer or not.
"Shh shh, sweetheart you need your rest. This hasn't been easy for you." He, therefore, didn't need to answer my question because I already had my answer.
"How long have I been in here?" I asked as he sat back down on his seat, his hands on my elbow awkwardly.
"It's been... Four days now."
"Four days?" He nodded his head and I sighed, tilting my head back to look up at the ceiling.
It was then that I realised how much my body ached. I just wanted to sleep.
And then, I did.
"We are only as strong as we are united, as weak as we are divided." ~ A. Dumbledore.