Logan and I were friends before we started dating, or something like that. Since I'm not exactly a social butterfly and many of Kaia's attempts to help me gain new friends ended in vain, I was surprised myself how easily Logan managed to carve himself into my life. It happened somewhere along junior year, when Kaia took extra music and arts classes, while I found myself alone and slightly frustrated in science and literature.
It was in literature class, that I first came to notice Logan Hayman – and the fact I didn't notice him before wasn't exactly my fault, since Logan doesn't take as much classes as your average student to focus on his skate boarding. Which is somehow not only allowed but also encouraged.
One day, Logan stumbled into the room way later than the rest, hair messy, skateboard under one arm and backpack hanging low from his shoulder. I sat in the last row, close to the window, probably thinking about lunch, when Logan said something to our teacher, and both laughed. It was his laugh that made me look up. When Logan laughs, the corners of his mouth curl all the way up and his eyes crinkle until his face is all scrunched up and wrinkled. Logan's laugh is contagious, bright and warm and happy, and I felt both parts affected and envious.
People usually fight over the last rows, but for literature it was the exact opposite, so Logan had to sit in the back with me. He didn't seem bothered by it, nor by the fact we were practically strangers and oh, this weird girl is staring at me. Instead, Logan started this completely normal and appropriate conversation about the play we were reading and how he's sure people already hated it back when it was first released. Logan didn't even care my contribution to this conversation was practically zero, as I kept on doodling in my notebook and stealing secret glances at him.
This is one of Logan's strengths, but also his weakness – he can't read people well and is therefore immune to what they think and general social clues. He didn't care I was all cold and distant and asked me all about my opinions on the class, on the play, on skateboarding.
He also didn't care when he crushed my heart into pieces.
I was never extremely close to Logan, never to the point that I completely trusted him like I trust Kaia. Still, it felt nice, calling popular Logan Hayman my friend. We talked in classes, and when we met in the hallways, and even spent lunch together every now and then. Kaia somehow suspected I was crushing on Logan all along, but I never realized it myself – until Logan kissed me.
Logan kissed me on the last day of junior year, right after classes ended, as we left school together. He asked me to hang out, get ice cream and celebrate the fact summer break's starting, and in the end, I got not only the ice cream but also Logan Hayman as my boyfriend.
And just like that, like a sudden fairy tale, my fairy tale, I ended up spending my whole summer break with Logan Hayman. It mainly consisted of me going to parks to watch him skate, buying him cold drinks and bringing him my mum's pancakes. And Logan was always all bright smiles and happiness when I showed up, throwing his arms around me, lifting me up and twirling me around. Logan didn't care if ten, twenty, hundreds of people were around us, he kissed me whenever he felt like it.
Logan joined Kaia and I for trips to the mall, Logan waited for me outside my house to go and grab lunch, Logan dropped by to introduce himself to my mum. Logan was pure sunshine, warm and bright, with his messy blonde hair, sun kissed skin and laid-back personality. Logan was so different compared to myself it felt almost unreal, and while he showered me with affection, I didn't even tell him I liked him until we broke up.
It's just now that I realize how paradox it all was – while Logan was all affectionate, he also didn't take this, whatever it was, serious, while I, all cool and unaffected, started to depend on him more and more.
And right now, as he's standing in front of me, skateboard under one arm just as usual, it hurts all over again. For some reason, Logan decided to wait for me. He looks small in his dark blue hoodie, hair even messier than usual and there's a conflicted expression on his face.
"June," he says and swallows, running a hand through his hair, "Can we – talk?"
I notice Logan looks miserable and it annoys me to no ends. What's there for him to feel miserable about? The fact he's oh so happy in his new relationship? The fact I'm handling the break-up like an idiot while he's never been better?
"Do you need more flyers?" I say, "I've got loads, apparently we've ordered way too many."
"This is not about the flyers," Logan states the obvious, "Look June, I feel like things are really messed up between us right now."
What a nice way to summarize all the shit he made me go through.
"But this is never how I wanted it to be," Logan continues pleadingly, "I mean, things ended bad. I know that. But I was honest when I said I want us to be friends and now we don't and I hate it."
I say nothing.
"June, please. I feel like we got a little carried away over summer, but can't we just go back to how things were before?"
"What," I say, "the hell are you talking about?"
Logan stops his ranting and blinks at me. "– yes?"
"Carried away?"
"Carried away," Logan nods and feels like he's finally able to deliver his point in this pretty one sided conversation, "It's my fault – whenever I feel close to a girl, I can't really stop myself. I felt like kissing you was the next logical step. And I really liked it, but it was just – that."
I stare at the flyers in my hand. Maybe, if I slap Logan hard enough with them, I can slap a little brain inside his head. They're the good kind, of high-quality paper, they must hurt a lot.
"– but anyway, there's no reason for us to be like this," Logan comes back to what's apparently his actual point, "Just because I'm dating someone new doesn't mean we can't be friends anymore, right?"
I just stare at him.
"June?" Logan asks and now looks a little worried, "Um? What do you think?"
"About what?"
"Us being friends again?" Logan prompts.
"Yeah?"
"Do you want to...?"
I don't know what to say. Mainly, because I'm still speechless from the audacity. How Logan managed to friendzone and downplay our whole relationship in a few sentences and now acts like I'm in the wrong for refusing to be friends again. Gaslighting a voice says in the back of my head that sounds suspiciously like Kaia.
"Say Logan – was our thing over summer really just kissing and nothing more to you?" I ask.
"I mean, was it to you?" Logan retreats, "I feel like I initiated like, everything."
"So? That's just how I am. I still liked you."
Logan blinks rapidly and his jaw drops. "Wait – like me? You really like me?"
"Liked," I say quickly, "Past tense. Not anymore, but during summer, I did."
It's the first time I tell him, obviously, since he looks close to a heart attack. I feel exposed and it's awful.
"But," Logan shakes his head in disbelief, "You were so cool about everything! I came and hugged you, kissed you and stuff, but you never initiated anything yourself. I always thought you don't like me like that, just the kisses and uh, physical stuff –"
"Why would I only like the physical stuff?" I snap, "I don't even like to hug people. You know this! I didn't kiss you first, but I kissed you back. Because I liked you."
Then, I add a quick. "You're not a good kisser anyway." It's a lie.
Logan is still shaking his head. He starts to look like he's losing his mind.
"Yeah, I am losing my mind! Because this is all news to me!"
Logan runs his hands through his hair, once, twice, and curses.
"Is this what's going on? Are you trying to drive me insane? Join the club to show me what I'm missing out on, flirting with this idiot –"
My fingers twitch. I really want to slap him.
"I can't believe you," Logan says finally and now his face looks somewhat pitiful, "I'm sorry I didn't understand what you're going through. But June – I'm dating someone new. I'm can't –"
"Oh my god," I feel like screaming, "The club has nothing to do with you. I liked you. Not anymore. As I said."
Logan makes a sad face at me. "If you say so."
If I say so? Whose opinion matters then, if not mine?
I feel so angry, because Logan now thinks I still like him, and I feel even angrier since this is slightly, just a tiny little bit true. And may be the reason my heart still hurts whenever I'm around him. I swallow down the lump forming in my throat.
"I'm done with you, Logan," I say and can't even look at him, "And this stupid talk. So go and hand out your flyers somewhere else but please leave me alone. Thank you."
Logan sighs and tries to speak up again, but I'm done. I feel like we're running in circles, I feel like Logan doesn't even want to listen to me. And I don't want to listen to him anymore. I flip my hair over my shoulder, the best I can manage without getting it in my face, and turn around.
Walking as fast as I can and also as far as I can away from Logan, I strut through multiple hallways, losing two flyers by basically assaulting two freshmen, before I finally end up at the same hallway with Liling and Duncan. They're perfect examples on how to hand out flyers – Liling – and how not to – Duncan. Liling looks adorable, long dark hair held back with a headband and dressed in a cream sweater dress. She smiles, chats with everyone, from overly excited freshmen to overly annoyed seniors, and manages to hand out basically all of her flyers. Meanwhile, Duncan leans against the wall in a huge, wrinkled shirt and basketball shorts, flyers in one hand and phone in the other, and stares after some pretty sophomore girls.
"Duncan," Liling is still all bright smiles but with an obvious hard edge to her voice, "Can you please do your job?"
"And my job is?" Duncan yawns and folds a flyer to a paper plane, lazily throwing it in Liling' direction, "I'm part of the tech crew."
"You're part of the event council!" Liling snaps, before turning to smile at some passing freshmen, "Hey guys, join us at the green & gold cleaning event!"
I smile to myself and turn around, only to find myself chest to chest with Matthew.
"Oh, hi," he says and blinks.
"Hi," I instinctively cross my arms.
Even in my shoes he's still a couple of inches taller than me and I have to look up to him. It annoys me to no ends. Matthew tries a crooked smile and I stare back blankly. Well. If this isn't awkward at all.
I take a step back, to bring a little distance between us, but I'm so distracted I stumble over my feet and almost fall. I want to die.
"Easy there."
Matthew reaches out and wraps a hand around my waist to steady me, which isn't helping. Now I'm basically pressed against his chest and if it was awkward before, this is taking it to a whole new level.
"Uh, hi again," Matthew says, sheepish smile on his face while he holds me close.
"Yeah, well," I feel my face flushing all the way up to the roots of my hair, "Thank you."
I stare up at him and if I didn't know it any better, I'd say he's a little embarrassed himself. Still, he doesn't let go of me, and his tight hold onto my waist is unnerving.
"Okay, well –"
I awkwardly clear my throat and it's only then that I notice Liling and Duncan watching us. They both have wide grins on their faces and Duncan wriggles his eyebrows. I quickly take a step back and cross my arms.
"Thanks again for the help."
Matthew smiles. "No problem, really."
Liling and Duncan snicker in the background.
I glare at them. "Well, are you guys done with your flyers?"
"I am," Liling raises her empty hands, "Duncan handed out at most five."
"Bullshit. It was at least ten."
"Oh and guess what, you still have over fifty left!"
"Yeah, so? It's not my fault they gave us like a hundred flyers each! We don't even have that many students!"
"Oh please, our school has more than a hundred students. Are you dumb?"
Matthew and I exchange a glance.
"Yeah, don't want to get involved in that," Matthew says dryly, "Hey, do you want to get lunch? We can talk about the presentation."
I smile and grab my bag.
"Sure, let's go."
We actually end up eating at the clubroom. There's no one there besides Johnny, who's completely immersed in his homework. Matthew pulls me towards the back of the room, because according to him, the bean bags are the bomb.
I snuggle myself in a cozy, red bean bag, balancing my lunchbox on my knees. Matthew brought two slices of salami pizza from the cafeteria and I hold them for him as he slumps down on the blue bean bag.
"So?" he looks at me.
I raise an approving thumbs up. "Comfy."
"Yeah, right?" Matthew grins to himself.
I hand him back his pizza and try to not leave any crumbs over my bean bag as I rip my sandwich into small pieces.
"So, presentation," I say and start chewing on my sandwich, "Where should we start?"
"Honestly, I think summarizing a few pages in our schoolbook and Wikipedia articles is all it needs, so let's just start with that."
I pout. "Makes you wonder why Mr. Callahan thinks I'm incapable of doing it on my own."
"I think it's not the presentation, but his questions afterwards where he's going to end us."
"Oh God, you're probably right."
Matthew laughs and tilts his head. "You're not that good in science, right?"
"I'm not bad," I say and feel slightly offended, "Sure, I guess I'm not that great either."
"Good, then I'll take care of the questions, problem solved," Matthew says with a shrug.
"Are you sure?" I ask, "I mean, it's extra work. I think I can handle a few questions myself."
"It's no problem, really", Matthew says, as if he enjoys extra schoolwork any day of the year.
Which I'm sure is not true. I watch Matthew turn the pages of his science book and wonder about the reasons he's so nice to me. Maybe he's simply nice to everyone. Maybe he's afraid of me because I often make a face Kaia calls cold and unapproachable. Or maybe he's extra nice to me because he likes – yeah no. I snort and shake my head.
"June?" Matthew raises an eyebrow.
"Hmm?" I look up and remember where I am, "Oh, sorry, I – choked on my sandwich. Yeah."
Matthew looks up from his schoolbook and grins at me.
"Distracted?"
I notice he's doodling a small stick figure comic on the side of the page.
"Kinda," I admit and stare at down at the group of stick figures adorning Matthew's book, before I clear my throat, "So – catalysts. I'm sorry, but I have no idea what that is. Can you explain it like I'm five?"
And while Matthewexplains to me how exactly a catalyst works, I admire his hand gestures, theway his eyes crinkle at the sides and the fact I start to feel so comfortable aroundhim. It's definitely a nice feeling.